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Original poster

My partner has all the money whilst I struggle

542 replies

twix23 · 18/02/2023 10:10

Hi so little context, my fiancé and I have 1 child and another on the way, and I have an older daughter from a previous relationship. I got my credit into a bad way when I was single mum for 7 years so I've spent the last 5 years since being with him paying off my debt and trying to get my credit score better so we can buy a bigger house together, as currently he solely owns the house we are in. We both work full time but earns 2-3 times more than I do, so he covers mortgage bills etc, puts money into house savings, whilst I cover the food shops, clothes and bits for the kids, n paying my debt off. I also am primary caregiver for our toddlers as I can WFH, sort childcare and do all the cooking and housework, so I work bloody hard lol.
Last month he paid off the remainder of my bad debt as we want to apply for mortgage in 6 months. It was £600 so I set up a standing order to him for £200 a month for next 3 months. I've still got 2 instalments to go. He announced last night he's had a really good profit share at work, and although wouldn't tell me exact figure, said he'd have about 3k to put into the house savings and still have a nice chunk left over to treat himself as he's worked hard. I asked if because of this he could give me a payment break just for March seeing as it's not like he needs my £200, but I do because I'm trying to pay off a credit card (not bad debt but would like to mostly cleared) and it's my eldests birthday and she's also just been enrolled into gymnastics, so it's gonna be an expensive month and a struggle for me. He said no. It's my debt I owe it so I need to pay it. I'm pregnant so my emotions are high rn anyway but when he went upstairs I just cried and cried. I know I'm going to really struggle now, whilst packages will be turning up every day for him splurging on himself. It just feels wrong? I understand it's my debt n he was amazing to clear it but I'm not refusing to pay it, just a month off. Who's being unreasonable here? He makes out I should be so grateful and I AM, but it's hard struggling and having no money to even get my hair done or buy much needed maternity clothes for myself, n then seeing him buy himself all the luxuries (he got himself a £200 pair of sunglasses last month ffs). Also the reason we don't have a joint account atm is because of my credit score, it would bring his down too. He said this will change when we do buy together but then expects me to pay 50% of the mortgage and bills. Just an outsider's perspective on this would be helpful I guess, I feel really down and I can't even afford to take my toddler out today.

OP posts:
Whiskeypowers · 18/02/2023 10:11

You’re in a very vulnerable position and he knows it

StephanieSuperpowers · 18/02/2023 10:12

Don't buy a house with this man.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 18/02/2023 10:13

Do NOT buy a house with him, infact I would consider leaving.

Franklin2000 · 18/02/2023 10:13

You shouldn’t be paying 50% of the mortgage and bills if you’re earning less than him

BaroldFromEastenders · 18/02/2023 10:13

Sounds like he’s financially abusive and controlling. A real partner wouldn’t be holding your debt over you like that

Overthinkingnotdrinking · 18/02/2023 10:15

Rethink your future. He’s not a partner, he’s selfish

America12 · 18/02/2023 10:16

Please don't buy a house with him.
I just wouldn't pay this months £200. Or pay half , realistically what's he going to do ?
Also how will it work re bills when you're on maternity leave ?
You are being financially abused sorry.

FawnFrenchieMum · 18/02/2023 10:16

Do not buy a house with this man. He is financially controlling and abusive! Who watches their partner struggle to this effect?! Maternity clothes for example, surely it’s his baby too? Why is that just your responsibility?

Dotcheck · 18/02/2023 10:16

Don’t marry him, and for heavens sake stop having children with him. And don’t buy a house with him. He would be happy for you to suffer financially to pay for half the mortgage? What about when you’re on maternity pay? Will you have to pay half then? How will it work, will you have to incur debt for this?

I bloody hate men like this- tight with money, and don’t value the contribution made by women who do all the cooking, cleaning and carrying children.

2Old2BABPpresenter · 18/02/2023 10:16

Run now, it took me over 4 years to get away from my financially abusive ex. Do not buy a house with this man.

GrazingSheep · 18/02/2023 10:17

He sounds awful.

OhThatChicken · 18/02/2023 10:18

When are you getting married? Don't buy anything with him until you are.

(Although I'd be thinking very carefully and having serious conversations about your shared money before you get married anyway)

piglet81 · 18/02/2023 10:19

www.womensaid.org.uk/

This sounds like financial abuse and I would think very carefully about whether you actually want to be tied to this man any more than you already are.

Rodneyisaplonker · 18/02/2023 10:19

Franklin2000 · 18/02/2023 10:13

You shouldn’t be paying 50% of the mortgage and bills if you’re earning less than him

She’s not. What you on about. She pays the food. He pays all other bills inc mortgage. And he’s paid off a lot of her debt. She pays 200 quid a month!

actually I’m with him, in this instance op, no I’d make you pay the 200.

GoodChat · 18/02/2023 10:21

Give him £100 a month for 4 months instead of £200 for 2.

As476 · 18/02/2023 10:22

Not completely relevant but if it’s a big company he works for, my DP came home and said the same last night. Only £800 will be in cash, the rest will be given in shares which can’t be cashed out for so many years. I’m happy for you to PM me to confirm the company!

Personally I would explain what incoming and outgoing money you both have and try to find a way to make it more equal for both of you with spending money. If he can’t agree to something like that, I wouldn’t be buying a house with him, or staying with him at all.

Rodneyisaplonker · 18/02/2023 10:22

GoodChat · 18/02/2023 10:21

Give him £100 a month for 4 months instead of £200 for 2.

Genuinely shocked, if the genders were reversed and the woman was paying everting other than 200 quid a month to live, and paying off her partners debts, and then wanted a month off as she got a bonus,people would be shouting cock lodger and make him pay,

RedPandaFluff · 18/02/2023 10:23

Oh my goodness @OP this sounds awful. At best your DP is selfish and unkind. Is this really the kind of man you want to be with? You will have two children together and he has a step-DC, you're supposed to be a family and look after each other.

This won't get any better. I know you're in a very vulnerable position right now but start thinking about your future longer-term.

musingsinmidlife · 18/02/2023 10:23

It sounds like he wants to see if you can be financially responsible. He is paying the majority of costs and he has paid off your debt. He wants to see if you have changed and if you can be financially responsible or not. Assuming you set up a debt repayment plan that made sense to you, not being able to now make payments is a sign of money mismanagement.

I would never buy a house with you. Being able to manage money in responsible ways is critical. If you can't meet your financial obligations, it will always fall back on him. When you are an adult with kids - that comes with financial responsibilities that both parents should be taking on. The idea that men should pay for everything and are financially responsible for their families and that any man who doesn't pay for everything and absolve women of any and all financial obligations is an abusive and controlling asshole is just sexism and very old traditional gender roles. Just like men should be expected to share childcare and domestic duties - that isn't women's work, women should expect to pay their share for themselves and their children and all the expenses that come with life.

Rodneyisaplonker · 18/02/2023 10:24

I think folks are misreading this.

Karwomannghia · 18/02/2023 10:25

He should just pay off your debt, it’s not like you’ve got uncontrollable spending. You’re a family ffs. He should share everything. What a controlling arsehole.

GoodChat · 18/02/2023 10:25

Absolutely agree @Rodneyisaplonker.
She shouldn't have agreed to pay £200 a month if she couldn't afford that.

I don't see that he's been abusive here.

Comedycook · 18/02/2023 10:27

Oh my gosh, this is horrendous. What a awful man.

Original poster
twix23 · 18/02/2023 10:27

musingsinmidlife · 18/02/2023 10:23

It sounds like he wants to see if you can be financially responsible. He is paying the majority of costs and he has paid off your debt. He wants to see if you have changed and if you can be financially responsible or not. Assuming you set up a debt repayment plan that made sense to you, not being able to now make payments is a sign of money mismanagement.

I would never buy a house with you. Being able to manage money in responsible ways is critical. If you can't meet your financial obligations, it will always fall back on him. When you are an adult with kids - that comes with financial responsibilities that both parents should be taking on. The idea that men should pay for everything and are financially responsible for their families and that any man who doesn't pay for everything and absolve women of any and all financial obligations is an abusive and controlling asshole is just sexism and very old traditional gender roles. Just like men should be expected to share childcare and domestic duties - that isn't women's work, women should expect to pay their share for themselves and their children and all the expenses that come with life.

I'm not unable to manage my money, but get paid a set amount each month and don't have much left over after my debt, my car, phone bill, kids after school stuff n food. N because it's my daughters birthday and the gymnastics enrolment, it's just going to be a tighter month for me, that's all! And it doesn't seem fair for me to be counting pennies whilst he gets to buy himself fancy new stuff? That's all.

OP posts:
StephanieSuperpowers · 18/02/2023 10:28

I just dislike the fact that he can choose whether to make her life easier or harder. He's choosing harder, not because it's necessary but because he wants to.

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