My partner has all the money whilst I struggle

[twix23]

Hi so little context, my fiancé and I have 1 child and another on the way, and I have an older daughter from a previous relationship. I got my credit into a bad way when I was single mum for 7 years so I've spent the last 5 years since being with him paying off my debt and trying to get my credit score better so we can buy a bigger house together, as currently he solely owns the house we are in. We both work full time but earns 2-3 times more than I do, so he covers mortgage bills etc, puts money into house savings, whilst I cover the food shops, clothes and bits for the kids, n paying my debt off. I also am primary caregiver for our toddlers as I can WFH, sort childcare and do all the cooking and housework, so I work bloody hard lol.
Last month he paid off the remainder of my bad debt as we want to apply for mortgage in 6 months. It was £600 so I set up a standing order to him for £200 a month for next 3 months. I've still got 2 instalments to go. He announced last night he's had a really good profit share at work, and although wouldn't tell me exact figure, said he'd have about 3k to put into the house savings and still have a nice chunk left over to treat himself as he's worked hard. I asked if because of this he could give me a payment break just for March seeing as it's not like he needs my £200, but I do because I'm trying to pay off a credit card (not bad debt but would like to mostly cleared) and it's my eldests birthday and she's also just been enrolled into gymnastics, so it's gonna be an expensive month and a struggle for me. He said no. It's my debt I owe it so I need to pay it. I'm pregnant so my emotions are high rn anyway but when he went upstairs I just cried and cried. I know I'm going to really struggle now, whilst packages will be turning up every day for him splurging on himself. It just feels wrong? I understand it's my debt n he was amazing to clear it but I'm not refusing to pay it, just a month off. Who's being unreasonable here? He makes out I should be so grateful and I AM, but it's hard struggling and having no money to even get my hair done or buy much needed maternity clothes for myself, n then seeing him buy himself all the luxuries (he got himself a £200 pair of sunglasses last month ffs). Also the reason we don't have a joint account atm is because of my credit score, it would bring his down too. He said this will change when we do buy together but then expects me to pay 50% of the mortgage and bills. Just an outsider's perspective on this would be helpful I guess, I feel really down and I can't even afford to take my toddler out today.

So you’re a couple engaged couple earning £90K a year, you sit in the top 10% of all household incomes in the country, and between you’s You both cannot manage your money. You are unable to budget and live within your means, and he has dug you out of that hole, so you feel like you live within your means because of his income.

On the flip side of that he cannot control his spending, has never needed to on account of his salary, but has not learned that he is in a relationship now and his income and your income are the family’s money if you want to live like grown ups, and that whilst one person should manage the finances, both partners have a say, and both have to play by the same rules.

He does not trust you. You do not trust him. You’re meant to be going through life as a team.

So...

I assume you don’t have joint accounts? That’s okay. Neither do we.

Where are the ‘family savings’ that you referred to? Are they in a joint account? Spread between ISAs or LISAs in both of your names? Or are they in accounts only he has access to?

Do you have FU Money? Do you have an emergency fund that only you can access that is there for if things go wrong?

I think everyone should have FU Money. I have a few thousand pounds sitting in my account just in case? It’s there so DH doesn’t feel that I don’t have the option to leave, and he knows that if he was hit by a bus tomorrow I have enough to take care of DD until I can access his account and estate.

Have you thought about giving up work completely and becoming a Stay at home mum? No childcare costs. No need for a second car. etc.

I don't think this is as black and white as some posters are making it.

Before OP met her partner she was unable to live within her means and running up debt.

Now she is in a position to pay off the debt because he is covering all the bills whilst she only pays for "the food shops, clothes and bits for the kids (one of whom isn't his)". She's said she is on 25K. Food shops, clothes and bits for the kids should leave her plenty over - I'm not surprised her partner has questioned why she needs more money.

Also look at what she needs the extra money for - paying off debt that she ran up before she met up, and stuff for her oldest child (who isn't his).
They aren't married. He has no debt and 1 fewer child to support. Of course he has more disposable income than she does!

I know lots of posters always jump to financial abuse, but really not seeing any here. I think her partner has been pretty generous.

It's your debt I can see why he is keen for you to pay it back as agreed to be honest. It sounds like you have breathing room as he covers the majority of the bills, which let's be honest likely cost 3 x what food and clothes are a month? You say you're engaged do you think he has any intention of doing so? He would be crazy to realistically and I wouldn't count on ever having a joint income or assets and plan accordingly. Whether that's morally right or wrong is sadly irrelevant really, you are in a very vulnerable positio

Jeez. Another woman not married to her financially controlling partner, despite having his children.
When will women learn?

Have you stayed with him simply for the money and a home?

I don't have any good feeling about your relationship.

Arguing over money at this stage- 5 years in- is not a way to live.

You are in a very vulnerable position. No savings, history of debt, 2 children and a baby on the way, and not an equal partner in buying a house.

Why is the house not in your name as well? Is that due to credit debt or because he's never changed the ownership?

@ElliF

Have you thought about giving up work completely and becoming a Stay at home mum? No childcare costs. No need for a second car. etc.

This is terrible advice. This helps no one in this situation. Just because it's your life and you're happy in it, does not make it the solution for everyone.

Have you been saving up for the house purchase as well OP from your salary? Will you be contributing to the down payment?

Living with him and having him pay all the major household bills for all of you (including a child that isn't his) is what has allowed you to pay your debt off and live the life you want. It is only fair that he does expect you will contribute towards housing and bills once the debt is gone.

You owe him- he hasn’t paid off your debt as such. You’re still paying it off- juts to him, with I assume better terms?

He is not an equal partner.
When DH and I were first together I was the main earner and I paid for lots of things over and above what he could afford. Because I had more I put in more. Post kids I have had a career change and a work/life change. He has accelerated his career and is the main earner. We share all the money.

both salaries into one account. Then we move a lot over into-
bills (inc mortgage)
holiday savings
children’s accounts
other savings
we each then put the same amount into our own personal accounts for “fun”. I have paid for a spa weekend and the chelsea flower show out of this account. He’s paid for a ski weekend from his. We also pay for things like gym memberships or new clothes from this money.

when he gets his not insignificant bonus he does buy himself something a bit flash. Last year it was new ski boots and skis. This year it will be the latest AirPods. The. The rest of the the bonus goes on the mortgage and family holidays and pension.

my salary if you were to drill into it would cover the groceries, council tax and kids activities, insurance payments. That’s about it!

We share! We are a team. Married for 17 years and together for 20. It works for us.

Why would it be in her name? They aren't married and she has contributed nothing towards the house that he purchased and paid all related costs for ever since.

@redskydelight

I completely agree.

The fact that she’s struggling to afford her child’s birthday when she earns £25k a year and has no mortgage or household bills to pay says everything.

I can’t believe posters are telling her to leave when there is no way she’d be able to financially cope on her own and she is in such a privileged position.

So are you saying that only married people can share house ownership?
They are engaged, for a start.
Some men would actually like their fiancees to feel secure.

She is paying for everything else that they need as a family.
If she wasn't, he'd have less money for himself.

Is he actually ever going to marry you? He would be crazy to and I wouldn't count on him ever doing so to be honest! Sorry if that sounds harsh but although rubbing it in your face about the bonus perhaps wasn't very sensitive, he absotlely pays more than his share to allow you to get back on track from your debts and doesn't sound unreasonable.

OP, my husband had debt. We worked together to pay it off for years. Then I got a promotion. It was so good for both of us because I could use the extra money to clear all the debt and free us up to have more spare cash together.
It's financial abuse.

@Cocobutt You are ignoring the debt she was paying back. I don't know how much it was- she's not said- but it sounds as if that is a large outgoing.

I don’t see how your credit score would bring his down. It doesn’t work like that…..

your credit score is your own. You just wouldn’t be able to get a mortgage. That’s it.

@twix23 How much debt did you have?
How much were you paying off a month out of your earnings?

Tell your midwife that he is financially abusing you and have her refer you to support to help you to leave. oh god no, don't do this. If you run upstairs crying because you can't afford to pay for food, clothing, gymnastics classes and a very small debt on you income, plus what you get in Child Benefits and CMS then something is very wrong.

Your partner sounds like a bully. He is using your one past mistake over your head. Is your partner not paying half your your child's gymnastics and birthday present? Does he buy the children clothing or does that all have to come out of your smaller salary? I'd stop having babies with him. I would not be moving into a bigger house with him either. Why do you do all housework and childcare? I'm certain you can do better than this bully OP. Would you want your dd living with a man like this when she grows up?

I would think you an equal fool if your put your boyfriend who made 25K but didn't have pennies to rub together after buying food and paying a cell phone bill on your housing deed. Even though you had previously bought the house and have paid all mortgage and related expenses ever since.

Would you really tell your daughter to give her house to her boyfriend even though he hasn't given a red cent towards it and can't manage his own money?

Fools and their money are soon parted.

I had debt when I met my boyfriend, he paid for everything else so I could pay my debt off.

He did that even before we were married.

Sorry op your partner doesn't sound very nice

It does if you have shared accounts or debts.

Have you listed the outgoings and who pays for what now?
Who plays childcare, kids clothes etc

You need facts and include everything - clubs, shoes toiletries, food, trips, haircuts, everyrhing

Sooo... he's been paying off your debt, paying for utilities, mortgage, housing you and a child that's not his, and all you've been contributing is food?

So if you leave now, you're actually free of debt, been living rent free, and had your kid taken care of??? Oh the horrible financial abuse! He wants you to be responsible with your money, and sure, it's a little patronising/condescending, but fair!

And half in the future?... people are jumping on how that's not fair, how he should be paying the lion's share... my wife earns twice what I do and I out in what I can afford into the mortgage and she matches it. That's 50%! I consider that fair! I don't ask her to put in more... she has EARNED that education and high salary and she should reap the benefits.

For a minute if these roles were reversed - and it was a woman who’d got a bonus from her career - who had a husband, for whom she had removed prior debt with the understanding of monthly repayments, a husband with poor credit with whom she was unwilling to associate financially - and the husband came on here and said “not fair she gets to buy her new shoes from her bonus” - what would MN have said?

He's not her boyfriend. They are engaged.
The rest of your rant is fiction.

Where has she mentioned a mobile phone?

He is living in his house without paying for food, or other day to day expenses.