My partner has all the money whilst I struggle

[twix23]

Hi so little context, my fiancé and I have 1 child and another on the way, and I have an older daughter from a previous relationship. I got my credit into a bad way when I was single mum for 7 years so I've spent the last 5 years since being with him paying off my debt and trying to get my credit score better so we can buy a bigger house together, as currently he solely owns the house we are in. We both work full time but earns 2-3 times more than I do, so he covers mortgage bills etc, puts money into house savings, whilst I cover the food shops, clothes and bits for the kids, n paying my debt off. I also am primary caregiver for our toddlers as I can WFH, sort childcare and do all the cooking and housework, so I work bloody hard lol.
Last month he paid off the remainder of my bad debt as we want to apply for mortgage in 6 months. It was £600 so I set up a standing order to him for £200 a month for next 3 months. I've still got 2 instalments to go. He announced last night he's had a really good profit share at work, and although wouldn't tell me exact figure, said he'd have about 3k to put into the house savings and still have a nice chunk left over to treat himself as he's worked hard. I asked if because of this he could give me a payment break just for March seeing as it's not like he needs my £200, but I do because I'm trying to pay off a credit card (not bad debt but would like to mostly cleared) and it's my eldests birthday and she's also just been enrolled into gymnastics, so it's gonna be an expensive month and a struggle for me. He said no. It's my debt I owe it so I need to pay it. I'm pregnant so my emotions are high rn anyway but when he went upstairs I just cried and cried. I know I'm going to really struggle now, whilst packages will be turning up every day for him splurging on himself. It just feels wrong? I understand it's my debt n he was amazing to clear it but I'm not refusing to pay it, just a month off. Who's being unreasonable here? He makes out I should be so grateful and I AM, but it's hard struggling and having no money to even get my hair done or buy much needed maternity clothes for myself, n then seeing him buy himself all the luxuries (he got himself a £200 pair of sunglasses last month ffs). Also the reason we don't have a joint account atm is because of my credit score, it would bring his down too. He said this will change when we do buy together but then expects me to pay 50% of the mortgage and bills. Just an outsider's perspective on this would be helpful I guess, I feel really down and I can't even afford to take my toddler out today.

Yep

No we don't know for sure. What we do know is:

• he doesn't ever contribute if they eat out

• the OP pays for all food
• clothing their child is OPs responsibility
• he's too tight to have a childminder, which means the OP has to work evenings as well, even though she's pregnant, and does all chores. His schedule is uninterrupted. They could easily afford childcare given his spending on himself (sunglasses costing hundreds etc)
• the OP does all cooking
• the OP does all chores

I'm not sure what part of his behaviour makes it sound as if he takes an equal part in organising or funding family Christmas.

Op can you afford to put you child into nursery to free up your evenings ? How much would your half be ? Is that affordable for you ?

Just leave, go on benefits, get a house, leave him out of it. what future can you see with him? In fact, what is the point of him. Tell him youre thinking of leaving as you'll be better off financially. See what he says.

Old thread

Reading this made me feel quite sad, you’re pregnant with his child and vulnerable what kind of man does that! Let him know how you feel if you feel safe to do so otherwise you may need to consider your future with someone who can be that heartless.

What on Earth are you on about?

£25k + £65k isn’t exactly stinking rich and I don’t think the OP was trying to flaunt that!!

First of all, he paid off your debt.

Secondly, it's his money to do what he wishes unless, of course, he expects you to pay towards his little presents - if that were the case, then that is being unfair.

Thirdly, he wants to see how responsible you are before you buy a house together: that's just being careful, not hideous or a coercive/controlling asshole.

Is your Debt Management Plan with a reputable agency like StepChange, Refresh Debt Advice or MoneyHelper? Are you able to re-negotiate a new monthly repayment plan with them? DMPs, unlike IVAs and DROs, are not legally binding so they can be changed easier. If the DMP company will not agree on your decision and reason, time to look elsewhere for another DMP company who will work with you and act in your best interests.

The cynic in me says stay quiet. Pay off your debt - he paid it off for you, you owe it and thats that. Marry him. Then fuck off a year later and claim marital assets. However I don't believe for a moment he'll marry you anyway so it's all a moot point isn't it. His life sounds absolutely fine the way it is. Also, he's tight. There's no way he's going to change a lifestyle that works very well for him. Despite the 'independent' talk that flies around MN, children before marriage isn't the best for a woman. As we often see.

Why are people so quick to call abuse? This is not abusive. They're not married, he doesn't owe her half of everything. He's providing for their child as he should and he's making it possible for OP to provide for her child with someone else by allowing her considerable room in her finances to pay off debt that had nothing to do with him. Currently he pays all the bills and rent and she pays food, if the OP lived alone and 'ran' as many of you say she should she would be far far worse off financially.
Sorry OP but as frustrating as it is not to be able to afford luxuries like getting your hair done, you will once you clear your debt so work on that and then the luxuries come back to you. FWIW I can't afford to get my hair done and I don't have any debt and I work full time and have young kids too, it's not a basic human right. He earns more than you and has no debt of his own to manage so why shouldn't he treat himself to things he wants?
You have absolutely everything you need which he is helping to ensure you have (as he should) and it's only the things you want that you are moaning about but you're trying to blame him for this without acknowledging that this is your debt and your responsibility. Clear the debt and then enjoy the money you then get to spend on luxuries and be grateful that you have a partner that has allowed you enough room in your finances to do that.

Doesn't sound like a family set up.

Can't believe what I've just read OP, your initial Post, not the responses.

You're not in a partnership, this guy doesn't love you.

If I were you I'd be looking to leave him.

He sounds very selfish, a man that loves and cares about you wouldn’t like to see you struggle. He doesn’t see you both as a team and likes to have financial control over you. You deserve better!

OH, MY GOD! THis man is a total pig - misogynistic and chauvinistic as hell! He doesn't want you to be independent and confident, so he treats you like a second class person. Awful..

In part, I agree, BUT as they are not married, who said he can control her money?! That's the whole point. She should be able to have some of her own money with which to have her hair done.

Anybody, be it married, engaged or just a co-dependent should not have their money controlled by the other person. That is not a stable, healthy relationship. That is coercive and controlling behaviour. If you can, contact the local council to ask for help about financial abuse. They should be able to assist in some way by pointing you to the right person, group or place. Once an assessment is completed, they can advise on what to do next.

FWIW, I was in a similar situation 15 years ago. He wanted me to work all the hours god sent and demanded me to give him my money - not necessarily for our joint debts (tied up in an IVA at the time), but for his camping gear, car, clothes, shoes, etc. That was abuse. I had to pretend that I earnt slightly less each month, but I was really putting it away in my own account for mine and my younger daughter's sakes. He hated me buying any new clothes for myself, so I had to ensure that he didn't see any bags of shopping from places like Next, etc. He was ok if I bought him something also with our joint account money. Equally, I had to give any of my Christmas and Birthday monies to my mum to look after. She quickly cottoned on to what was happening, but I was too ashamed and embarrassed to admit it first hand.

People are quick to call it abuse because, staggeringly, it is - 75% of the time. Financial, emotional and psychological abuse can be hidden better than bruises and kick marks.

Remember that.

Zombie!😁