My partner has all the money whilst I struggle

[twix23]

Hi so little context, my fiancé and I have 1 child and another on the way, and I have an older daughter from a previous relationship. I got my credit into a bad way when I was single mum for 7 years so I've spent the last 5 years since being with him paying off my debt and trying to get my credit score better so we can buy a bigger house together, as currently he solely owns the house we are in. We both work full time but earns 2-3 times more than I do, so he covers mortgage bills etc, puts money into house savings, whilst I cover the food shops, clothes and bits for the kids, n paying my debt off. I also am primary caregiver for our toddlers as I can WFH, sort childcare and do all the cooking and housework, so I work bloody hard lol.
Last month he paid off the remainder of my bad debt as we want to apply for mortgage in 6 months. It was £600 so I set up a standing order to him for £200 a month for next 3 months. I've still got 2 instalments to go. He announced last night he's had a really good profit share at work, and although wouldn't tell me exact figure, said he'd have about 3k to put into the house savings and still have a nice chunk left over to treat himself as he's worked hard. I asked if because of this he could give me a payment break just for March seeing as it's not like he needs my £200, but I do because I'm trying to pay off a credit card (not bad debt but would like to mostly cleared) and it's my eldests birthday and she's also just been enrolled into gymnastics, so it's gonna be an expensive month and a struggle for me. He said no. It's my debt I owe it so I need to pay it. I'm pregnant so my emotions are high rn anyway but when he went upstairs I just cried and cried. I know I'm going to really struggle now, whilst packages will be turning up every day for him splurging on himself. It just feels wrong? I understand it's my debt n he was amazing to clear it but I'm not refusing to pay it, just a month off. Who's being unreasonable here? He makes out I should be so grateful and I AM, but it's hard struggling and having no money to even get my hair done or buy much needed maternity clothes for myself, n then seeing him buy himself all the luxuries (he got himself a £200 pair of sunglasses last month ffs). Also the reason we don't have a joint account atm is because of my credit score, it would bring his down too. He said this will change when we do buy together but then expects me to pay 50% of the mortgage and bills. Just an outsider's perspective on this would be helpful I guess, I feel really down and I can't even afford to take my toddler out today.

I’ve always been the higher earner and shared everything. Also paid off previous debt for dh. If you’re a family you’re in it together. If you want to live on your own and keep your own money, don’t have a family.

agree, he has been incredibly generous. She’s got it good. This man pays for everything, has paid a lot to her debt on top of it. All he asks is she pays 200 a month . And as he has a bonus she doesn’t want to pay even that.

How much is he paying a month, and how much are you paying? Food, kids clothes etc is expensive.
You are also the main childcarer for his baby, that is worth something in itself.
His savings for the house are his savings, not yours, as you're not married.
Tbh he sounds financially abusive, but concrete figures would be helpful in us deciding.

If that £200 is for your eldests birthday and gymnastics and he can afford to wait then he should wait. It's not like he needs it by what you've said.

It's either share completely or you should split by proportion of what you earn. No partner should expect you to pay the same as them if they earn a lot more. Food shopping and 'bits for the kids' is not cheap, it's the current cost we struggle with the most.

As would I. All day long. Absolutely I’d make my husband pay 200 a month if I paid everting else and paid for a lot of his debt.

@Rodneyisaplonker but the man isn't paying for everything, OP said she pays for all the food shops, kids clothes and other things for the children. It sounds like she works pretty hard in the home too, as well as WFH. I don't think she's a female cocklodger because she's contributing to the household.

I also feel he may have paid her debt off not out of kindness but to meet his own objectives of buying a bigger house. Further, to expect OP to pay half of the mortgage and bills when they do get a bigger house is very unfair if he earns 2-3 times more than her.

Why did you get pregnant when your finances are in this state?

Or because he's tired of her taking advantage of his earnings? She gets into debt - he pays it off and asks her to pay it back in instalments interest free which she agrees to until she learns he has a bonus this month.

She also has credit card debt and wants to use the money she owes him to pay that off - so basically he's just paying all her debt for her and gaining nothing.

What did I just read!!!!!!!!
Do not buy a house with this person.
You may not be married yet but you have 1 child together and 1 on the way you have both committed to each other. Your finances should be joined at this point as soon as a child or in this case two (I'm aware you have another child so he can argue to the moon that he doesn't have to pay for her) but at the very least he should be treating you all as a family. Why have children with you and watch you struggle is some abusive controlling behaviour.
A littler perspective for you, my husband and I have all our money into a joint account and the money is seen as 'ours', yes we ask each other in regards to big purchases but that's not for permission that's to ask another viewpoint on said purchase and we would do that even if we had separate purchases.

Separate accounts

She’s said when they buy he expects her to go 50/50 with the mortgage and bills even though she earns less and seems to do pretty much everything else around the house!!

Get rid

Erm, he has not been amazing paying off your debt because he still wants you to pay him back. What kind of person lets their pregnant partner struggle with no maternity clothes, buys luxury items whilst there is no money to take their toddler out? Not a good one that’s for sure. I appreciate it must be very difficult whilst being pregnant with a toddler but I would be asking if I really wanted to be with this person.

Invoice him for childcare.. Consider finding alternative accommodation.. He won't change.

I think he's actually trying to help you. You got into a load of debt, which he paid off and you agreed to pay him back, which you're now trying to postpone. He's put a lot of his bonus into house joint savings and is saving a bit back to treat himself. You are trying to drag him down not the other way around.
You don't need money to take a toddler out- go for a walk to the park, feed the ducks, take a picnic or a football. Stop playing the victim and educate yourself financially.

He has been more than generous helping you to pay of your debt. You are giving the impression that your are not good at budgeting. Sorry if that isn't the case. Your contribution to household expenses doesnt seem to be very big. No utility bills, no mortgage no rates. Only food and a few extras.

If the genders were reversed??? You mean if he were also working from home to do childcare at the same time and doing most of the parenting of their children? If he were on parental leave having just given birth to their baby and still expected to find the money to pay his share? If he had limited his career with breaks for having their babies and if he did most of the care of said babies?
the genders don’t always reverse. The
above has never happened and never will. Any man who earns more but expects his wife to pay half the mortgage no matter what she earns while she does most of the looking after their children is probably abusive and absolutley definitely an asshole who doesn’t deserve her or their children.

Is he intending to keep the house he already has when he buys or sell and put the equity in a new place? Has he mentioned protecting his deposit?

I'd be wary of buying a house with someone like this in your position, you will be very vulnerable with 3 young children.

Do you have a joint budget? Do you both know that expenses and costs the other is taking on? Even if your finances have some separation, you can jointly plan out the family finances to see what is working and what isn't. If you are budgeting short every month, you are going to get into more debt.

When you set up the repayment plan, how did you expect to pay the month with the birthday and the gymnastics? What happened to your budget that you didn't have the money?

Fair is an interesting word. Your financial histories and money management are not the same. Did you get together with him for the money and lifestyle you though he would provide and now you are resentful that he didn't give that to you?

Money is a huge point of contention in marriages. Expectations, traditional gender values, budgeting, etc are all important conversations. Many people do keep separate accounts, others do a joint family account. Many people have been in relationships with someone with poor money management and with a lot of financial disparity and it causes issues.

You need to sit down and have a bigger conversation about the overall budget and financial planning for your family.

Why will he expect you to pay 50% of mortgage and bills when you earn less? You work f/t, but do all the childcare and housework - this is desperately unfair.

It doesn’t sound like you can afford to move or for nice extras like gymnastics at this point. Birthdays don’t need to cost that much.

Does your older DC’s dad pay child support? Do you get child benefit for the two DC? What discussions did you have about finances when you planned this current pregnancy?

He sees you as two separate people, presumably because you’re not married and he’s worried about your past debts and spending issues. You see yourselves as one unit where finances should be shared and his earnings should support your family.

You need to be practical and talk to him. Crying is understandable as you’re upset about not being able to meet these new costs but it’s not going to improve your communication or give you any clarity.

It’s worrying that he is so set on you paying your way that he can’t be generous in giving you a bit of leeway on a particularly expensive month. It doesn’t seem much like a partnership to me.

In two months you’ll both be on a debt free equal footing. Renegotiate your contributions proportionally, taking into account what childcare would cost if you weren’t at home. Don’t buy anything with him unless you are married and sure that he’ll be fair.
As it stands, you aren’t married and he’ll own that house himself. You won’t get a claim to it or the deposit if you only pay for food and he pays the mortgage etc.

@Codlingmoths

I don't think you can reverse genders in this case as she's had two pregnancies and one mat leave - men don't generally do that so the positions aren't comparable.

Having children does absolutely impact the earning potential of women and that should be factored into household budgeting.

She can't even afford clothes for herself though meanwhile he's buying £200 pair of sunglasses. She does all the childcare for their children... op id be sending him an invoice for the childcare.

What kind of partner let's their heavily pregnant partner suffer without proper clothing to pay back money they don't really need?

Don’t marry this man, and don’t buy a house with him.