My partner has all the money whilst I struggle

[twix23]

Hi so little context, my fiancé and I have 1 child and another on the way, and I have an older daughter from a previous relationship. I got my credit into a bad way when I was single mum for 7 years so I've spent the last 5 years since being with him paying off my debt and trying to get my credit score better so we can buy a bigger house together, as currently he solely owns the house we are in. We both work full time but earns 2-3 times more than I do, so he covers mortgage bills etc, puts money into house savings, whilst I cover the food shops, clothes and bits for the kids, n paying my debt off. I also am primary caregiver for our toddlers as I can WFH, sort childcare and do all the cooking and housework, so I work bloody hard lol.
Last month he paid off the remainder of my bad debt as we want to apply for mortgage in 6 months. It was £600 so I set up a standing order to him for £200 a month for next 3 months. I've still got 2 instalments to go. He announced last night he's had a really good profit share at work, and although wouldn't tell me exact figure, said he'd have about 3k to put into the house savings and still have a nice chunk left over to treat himself as he's worked hard. I asked if because of this he could give me a payment break just for March seeing as it's not like he needs my £200, but I do because I'm trying to pay off a credit card (not bad debt but would like to mostly cleared) and it's my eldests birthday and she's also just been enrolled into gymnastics, so it's gonna be an expensive month and a struggle for me. He said no. It's my debt I owe it so I need to pay it. I'm pregnant so my emotions are high rn anyway but when he went upstairs I just cried and cried. I know I'm going to really struggle now, whilst packages will be turning up every day for him splurging on himself. It just feels wrong? I understand it's my debt n he was amazing to clear it but I'm not refusing to pay it, just a month off. Who's being unreasonable here? He makes out I should be so grateful and I AM, but it's hard struggling and having no money to even get my hair done or buy much needed maternity clothes for myself, n then seeing him buy himself all the luxuries (he got himself a £200 pair of sunglasses last month ffs). Also the reason we don't have a joint account atm is because of my credit score, it would bring his down too. He said this will change when we do buy together but then expects me to pay 50% of the mortgage and bills. Just an outsider's perspective on this would be helpful I guess, I feel really down and I can't even afford to take my toddler out today.

She's said he earns 2-3x more - that could be as little as £30k. Everyone always assumes massive numbers.

If gender were reversed the OP would be called a Cocklodger.

I agree and glad that other posters are not just jumping to it must be financial abuse because he is a man.

I also find it convenient that as soon as he gets extra money from work and wants to put extra in the new house fund, that OP suddenly remembers she’s got an expensive month next month.

I haven't 'suddenly' remembered, it was a month I was worrying about and thought maybe he'd give me a month leeway so I don't have to worry/stress!

for the future, I don’t think it’s right for you to pay 50% of everything. As he earns x3. This may be a deal breaker for either of you.

She doesn’t pay anywhere near 50%

He pays all of the bills including the mortgage and she pays for food and bits for the kids.

I think 50% would be the most fair way.
He’d still be paying more as he’s earning more.

He wants me to pay 50% once we've moved and both be on the mortgage. For context I earn £25k and he earns £65k.

I haven't 'suddenly' remembered, it was a month I was worrying about and thought maybe he'd give me a month leeway so I don't have to worry/stress!

You knew her birthday was coming up so why not ask to pay £20 less a month, starting from 6 months ago.

She is yours and her dad’s responsibility and I don’t think he should be made to feel guilty because you want him to essentially pay for her birthday and gymnastics.

Do you get maintenance from her dad?
Why can’t this be used?

I don’t think it should be a 50% of everything even if she earns 10 and he earns 30…. Just as i don’t think it should be 50% if she earns 50 and he earns 100-150. there’s no mention of pensions, etc.

Her mention of £200 sunglasses is noise and reeks of jealousy or at the least different priorities. So what if he spent some money on sunglasses. im sure she buys a nice to have sometimes. Maybe not this month, or since she got herself into debt.

But for the future, net and disposable income is the measure, ideally they should look at what they both have as net and disposable income routinely excluding bonus etc, and there should be a bit of equalization on family outgoings so she can have some nice to haves. he’s not a meal ticket, but she should also not be left with £5 a week spending money.

You are either a partnership, and a family, or you're not. You already have one child together and you've decided to have another child and get married. So I assume (hope) you are both committed to each other and your shared children. In that case the two of you need to organise your finances much more fairly. You don't necessarily need to have a joint account but you need to start considering things as joint resources and joint expenditure, whether his or yours.

We both work full time but earns 2-3 times more than I do, so he covers mortgage bills etc, puts money into house savings, whilst I cover the food shops, clothes and bits for the kids, n paying my debt off. I also am primary caregiver for our toddlers as I can WFH, sort childcare and do all the cooking and housework, so I work bloody hard lol.

Firstly it's not fair that you do all the housework and take all the responsibility for the children despite both working full time. Secondly if he earns 2-3 times more than you he should be paying 2-3 times what you pay towards household expenses. When you add it all up (mortgage, bills, food, clothes and other things for the children, car, debt repayments, etc etc) what are his monthly outgoings and what are yours? What about a monthly personal allowance towards things like clothes, haircut, etc? If you are left without any money at all to spend on the things you need, while he's buying himself £200 sunglasses and putting money in savings, that's clearly not fair.

If and when you marry him you will be entitled to a share of his assets (the house he owns, his pension, savings etc) but based on his behaviour so far he doesn't seem at all willing to share. Are you completely sure he wants to marry you?

He expects her to pay 50% of the mortgage on the house he wants to buy in the future.
He should be contributing towards his child’s needs, and that includes child care if needed.
Op, don’t buy a house with him.

You earn £25k a year, have no mortgage to pay and you can’t afford your child’s birthday or gymnastic lessons? 😮

Sorry OP but it sounds like you are awful with money.

Rodney chose an appropriate user name.

My partner paid this bad debt last month not 6 months ago. Before that I was paying £200 as an agreement with the debt company.
No I don't get/need maintenance as now my DD is older and her dad lives in the next road we do 50/50 custody.

Just reading the thread and got to this comment. The whole gender reversed thing fucking infuriates me and makes you look so stupid I'm cringing for you. If the roles were reversed you can be damned sure that the cocklodger wouldn't be doing all childcare and house related stuff. So stop fucking using it as a gotcha. IT ISN'T. It never is! Jesus I'm struggling on here recently. The stupidity is getting too much for me.

Your last line appears to contradict the rest of your post - do you mean 50% of salary each into joint bills (in which case he'd pay more as he's earning more) or 50% of joint bills (they'd pay the same).

Either way, until he does 50% of housework and childcare for joint children, fairness can't be decided just on financial contribution.

I can see both sides. It seems hurtful that he's treating himself while you barely scrape by - your standards of living are so different! But in the other hand he's housing you and a child who isn't his "for free" and this has enabled you to get out of debt.

Regarding your daughter's birthday expenses you should be asking her father to take responsibility for half those costs not your boyfriend.

I don't understand why posters are saying don't marry him. It would seem to be in your interests to do so as he owns property and you don't. Not so much in his interests though!

I think once you clear the debt and can buy a house together you can look at redrawing things. But I think it will be unfair for you to shoulder 50% of the mortgage and bills. Firstly because you earn less so proportionately would be fair. Secondly because you're making an additional unpaid contribution in the form of childcare, cooking and housework (I bet he doesn't fancy doing 50% of that) and thirdly you'll have reduced your earning power through two maternity leaves for your two jointly produced children.

If he earned £30k to her £15k it makes it worse for him to want £200 a month. It also makes buying £200 sunglasses a financially irresponsible decision whilst saving for a house.

I was thinking minimum wage maybe living wage when I posted. As op said she works full time.

Either way OP is getting the shitty end of the stick.

I cannot conceive of people in a loving long-term relationship having these kind of conversations. Maybe I'm old fashioned but DH and I have always had joint finances and there is no counting if whose money is whose. He earns more because I work part time but I am not restricted to my own earnings. Any large purchases we would discuss. Otherwise we trust each other to manage our money for the good of the family.

I would see this as very controlling behaviour on his part.

You are lucky and should be grateful that he's helped you out with your substantial debts and I bet he's already paid off most of it over the 5 years since you met him. I sincerely hope that the savings are in his name only. In your situation no way would I be enabling you to be even more irresponsible with money. You need some discipline around finances, your attitude is immature and it would be a huge red flag for me if I were him.

No, he should pay 72% (of all household expenses) and you should pay 28%. That's proportionate to your salaries.

His net salary is about £3710/month and yours is about £1660/month (I've assumed a 5% pension contribution but of course it might be different). Let's say your combined outgoings are £3000/month. If you split them 50/50 he'd have £2210 left and you'd have £160. That's hardly fair, is it?! It's an appalling way to treat the mother of his children and the woman he supposed to love.

I'm against the majority here. You work full time but your only contribution financially he expects is food shopping and clothing? He pays the mortgage, gas, electricity, council tax. I think you're on a cushy number here op, especially since he is putting the equity into the new house.
It's unrealistic to expect you to be able to contribute 50% of the bills once you have a home together, assuming you don't have the same earnings potential as he does due to child care responsibilities. Both putting in a fair amount taking into account spending money and wages would be much fairer.
I don't think this is a LTfinanciallyabusiveB situation, I think its a get your affairs straight in a fair way situation.

Yep.

I think it's difficult to be clear that there is fault only on one side here.

OP has to pay food and kids purchases, while her higher earning partner covers all other household bills (so mortgage, utilities, council tax etc). That might be a fair split, it might not, depending on how much OP and partner are earning (I'm not asking OP to disclose that, but if OP is on £20-30k, that is very different from her earning £10-12k pa.

Secondly, regarding the debt. From what OP says, she still has debt (credit card bill) - which she doesn't describe as "bad debt". I presume this means that the "bad debt" that the partner lent her the money to pay off was defaulted debt, in order to ensure that she had no defaults when/if they buy a house. Credit card debt is definitely not good debt - it usually has a high rate of interest.

With regard to the daughter's gymnastics - is there any reason why starting gymnastics couldn't wait 3 months, when OP will have an extra £200pm freed up? Leaving aside the issue of whether it's ok to lend your partner money rather then give them money, as different people might feel differently, I don't think it's unreasonable for the partner to be irritated that you made a promise to pay a sum of money, yet by the second instalment you are asking for a deferral for payment due to 2 events (birthday and gymnastics) that could have easily been planned or foreseen? Wouldn't it have been better to offer 6 payments of £100 pm that you could afford, rather then promise and not deliver?

When/if you buy a house, can you actually afford to pay 50% of mortgage/bills? How does this work when you are on mat leave, or if you return to work LTFT? Is this actually a reasonable plan? If you are paying for all the kids stuff, that's going to increase your outgoings - have you budgeted for that?

It's possible partner may be an abusive arse, it's possible that OP may be very bad at managing money, there may be fault on both sides, we can't tell.

@jemimapuddlepluck

I hate it too.

If genders were reversed and he had been pregnant with her children twice, been on Mat leave and had done almost all the childcare... we wouldn't be calling him anything at all because it doesn't happen.

No way would I want to get into a long term relationship with someone, own a house together, etc unless they were prepared to honour their debts. The alternative is theft.

Turn away from your phone and look around you. If you are sat posting shit like this on the Internet then you very obviously live a sad and lonely life. Sort it. Instead of posting shit like this. I would hate to be as unhappy as you.