My partner has all the money whilst I struggle

[twix23]

Hi so little context, my fiancé and I have 1 child and another on the way, and I have an older daughter from a previous relationship. I got my credit into a bad way when I was single mum for 7 years so I've spent the last 5 years since being with him paying off my debt and trying to get my credit score better so we can buy a bigger house together, as currently he solely owns the house we are in. We both work full time but earns 2-3 times more than I do, so he covers mortgage bills etc, puts money into house savings, whilst I cover the food shops, clothes and bits for the kids, n paying my debt off. I also am primary caregiver for our toddlers as I can WFH, sort childcare and do all the cooking and housework, so I work bloody hard lol.
Last month he paid off the remainder of my bad debt as we want to apply for mortgage in 6 months. It was £600 so I set up a standing order to him for £200 a month for next 3 months. I've still got 2 instalments to go. He announced last night he's had a really good profit share at work, and although wouldn't tell me exact figure, said he'd have about 3k to put into the house savings and still have a nice chunk left over to treat himself as he's worked hard. I asked if because of this he could give me a payment break just for March seeing as it's not like he needs my £200, but I do because I'm trying to pay off a credit card (not bad debt but would like to mostly cleared) and it's my eldests birthday and she's also just been enrolled into gymnastics, so it's gonna be an expensive month and a struggle for me. He said no. It's my debt I owe it so I need to pay it. I'm pregnant so my emotions are high rn anyway but when he went upstairs I just cried and cried. I know I'm going to really struggle now, whilst packages will be turning up every day for him splurging on himself. It just feels wrong? I understand it's my debt n he was amazing to clear it but I'm not refusing to pay it, just a month off. Who's being unreasonable here? He makes out I should be so grateful and I AM, but it's hard struggling and having no money to even get my hair done or buy much needed maternity clothes for myself, n then seeing him buy himself all the luxuries (he got himself a £200 pair of sunglasses last month ffs). Also the reason we don't have a joint account atm is because of my credit score, it would bring his down too. He said this will change when we do buy together but then expects me to pay 50% of the mortgage and bills. Just an outsider's perspective on this would be helpful I guess, I feel really down and I can't even afford to take my toddler out today.

Thank god me and my husband are old school, he would give me the world. I deal with all the finances, have done for 27 years.

I'm noticing this crap a lot on posts, men having the upper hand with the finances. Never let that happen under any circumstances.

What would happen if you became ill and couldn't contribute, your life would be absolute hell.

Would he throw you out or leave you, it sound very likely he would.

It's not love he is showing you, its contempt. Think very carful what your are about to commit to.

What a ridiculous comment lol why would I come here anonymously to flaunt how much we earn?! What 🤣 I'm beyond confused by how you came to this conclusion but I wish you well all the same.

@twix23 I think people are just trying to point out that the fact you say you are struggling on £25k a year with no mortgage / rent or primary bills is a sign that your spending and budgeting needs looking at. This combined with racking up credit card debt on a card that was only meant to help you establish credit while getting out of old debt and not wanting to pay back your debts on time to your partner illustrate an approach to money and finances that will potentially lead to major problems down the road with your partner
I agree.

She's had a £9000 pay rise and that's still all swallowed into a sea of stuff, clothes, subscriptions and meals out.

She says herself up thread she COULD afford the gymnastics but she would have to budget. That's literally what most of us do every month! She would just rather not have to budget and still be able to spend, which is exactly the attitude to finances that gets people into debt.

Her and her partner are on totally different pages financially and when finances are a major reason for relationships breaking up, it's potentially a huge issue waiting to happen. He might be an arsehole, but he might also be understandably getting frustrated with the OP's attitude to money.

An independent man .... who covers the vast majority of living costs for a family of four.

And he did direct the majority of his bonus to a family expense.

So amused by this thread, with all OP's updates. Yes, people budget, especially when they are paying off debt.
A lot of the expenses you've listed are just red herring, i.e. no real expenses because you can easily eliminate or cut them down. Many people would be wishing to have your "problem", 25K salary and no mortgage or major bills to pay.

OP has deliberately used an emotive title for her post.

if she'd framed it as "I have debt from before I met my partner, and a child from a previous relationship. We also have 1 shared child and I'm pregnant. Is it fair that I have to budget carefully and have less money to spend on myself than DP?" then it might have clarified the actual issue.

The answers to this thread can basically be categorised as

1. Financial abuse. LTB. Which appear on virtually any thread about a man, almost regardless of subject topic.
2. He's being unfair - you're a family and all family assets should be pooled
3. He's being fair - he's covering all the major bills and you can't expect to have as much money as him if you're paying off debt and are responsible for an extra child.

Opinions on whether (2) or (3) seem fairly evenly split and I don't think either is wrong if that's how you choose to manage your family finances.

Exactly.

I'm not even sure if she does have less disposable income than him in general except for the surprise bonus most of which he's putting towards the house deposit though.

He probably has twice the take home pay but pays the mortgage and the bills and is saving for their house deposit. The only real major essential bill she has is the food shopping in addition to helping her parents a bit now her debt is almost paid off. I suspect most of the time they probably have a similar amounts of disposable income which she uses for going out with her wide circle of friends, buying them presents and enrolling her daughter into a variety clubs, going out for meals etc.

This is fine except she feels like she's struggling (because next month she'll have to budget) and he thinks she's ungrateful for the amount of support he's providing. They need a joint budget that they agree on and also an approach to bonus money.

Well, of course he isn’t going to pay anything towards your eldest. She already has a dad, it’s up to you two to sort out who pays for what for her. If her dad is useless at contributing then unfortunately you can’t afford to send her to 3 clubs so that needs reduced down to two or one.

You don’t need multiple tv subscriptions. Pick the one you use the most and bin off the rest.

Paying for your parents fuel is much cheaper than paid childcare so you’ve already got a bargain on that one.

Car/insurance/fuel- unless you’re already driving an economical affordable car then you need to look at changing.

Days out for the kids- until your CC and all debt (ie what you owe to DP is cleared), it’ll just have to be free days out or very cheap options. Plenty of things you can do for minimal £ that are still fun.

If you go out for lunch and dinner then it needs to be split equally. If that can’t happen then cut out going for lunch and dinner until your debt is gone. Eating out is a luxury.

Kids clothes- you don’t need to buy clothes every month. Go to the supermarket and get affordable basics. Asda, Tesco etc have nice offerings for not much £.

You can’t afford to be buying presents every month. Unless it’s Christmas, your children/partner or a milestone birthday, knock it on the head.

Your priority should be paying off all your debt. Until that’s done, you need to cut back on everything. It might be a shitty few months without fun activities but it needs to be done. Once the debt is cleared then you can bring back a few things.

You’re trying to pay for a lifestyle you can’t afford. You need to sort your finances out.

What will you do if your relationship doesn’t work out? Because then you’ll have 3 kids to pay for, nowhere to live and not have a hope of being able to afford somewhere considering your outgoings you’ve listed above. How will you be able to afford rent/mortgage, bills, council tax, etc, on top of what you’ve mentioned above?

You're pissed off about £200 now but I’d be much more concerned about what the future could hold.

There's a lot more going on here than just purely money issues, which raise red flags over his behaviour to me.

Both partners work, but the OP is also seemingly the only one that cooks, cleans, tidies, and responsible for childcare.

If the partner wanted to use GP childcare to save money, that's fine, but then he needs to take equal (at least) responsibility for the consequences of that. It's not fair that the OP is having to make up her hours in the evening, and singlehandedly keeping the home going, whilst the partners life is unchanged. Why isn't he working in the evenings instead, but no it's the OP who needs to do yet more. It's even more unreasonable of him given that the OP is pregnant. Putting aside whether or not the OP has more disposable income then him, she's certainly not got as much free time.

I'm quite uncomfortable with the view that lots have here that his spending is the important mandatory spending (which it is) and hers the more flexible/frivolous stuff (which it is), and coming to the assumption that she being splurgy because she pays for those.

With their combined income, the subscriptions they have aren't unusual, and they are family things for all of them, it's just the way they are divided. For all we know, his mortgage (that everyone keeps going on about) could be smaller than their monthly food bill. It's entirely possible that the expenses are split according to their income, but just with the more discretionary stuff on the OPs side.

According to google, the average monthly mortgage payment is just under £800. Obviously there are bills on top. Food is probably around £500 a month. It probably is split 30:70 which is about right given their different incomes.

Again, presents. Yes, she 'should' cut down, but she's responsible for all present buying - it's not just for her family and friends, but their joint child and his family too.

This could just as easily be a couple where she pays the mortgage, amd maybe a couple of bits, and he pays for everything else, and the numbers would probably come out similar. But she's look frugal, and him splurgy, because the discressionary family stuff is paid for by him. Does it really make it indulgent for one person to pay for netflix when its a family decision to subscribe

Well, of course he isn’t going to pay anything towards your eldest. She already has a dad

Thats funny because Stemums are expected to suck up the childcare of his days and treat the kids to days out fairly buy one but all …. Double standards there

OP how much is spent on his family? Drop that!

I would also tell him that the next lunch and dinners are on him! Why isn’t he paying? Even half?

You sound delightful.. he earns 65k to her 25k .. and you think it's all ok .. he sounds mean and controlling.. bet your Exactly the same

You mean the £3000 he put into his own savings accounts. I doubt this “house savings account” is in joint names.

He sees op as a cash cow who will subsidise 50% of his mortgage payments whilst giving him the facade of the family man.

Whilst op you might have got into debt and been a bit stupid with money I think that you are probably a different person to the person you were and are probably better with money.
The issue is you aren’t living within your means and your partner isn’t either.

You are doing a lot of the household and childcare for free and impacting your arming ability and your partner is not paying anything towards that cost.

I think a long hard look at what money you jointly have coming in. What are all your joint outgoings and from there equal spending money and savings onto joint account.

How on earth are you meant to have 50% of all the bills and only earn 1/4 of the joint income.

What happens if you don’t have the money.

The fact you can’t afford to pay him the £200 this month and he won’t delay it. Does this mean he is trying to drive you into getting a bad credit rating again and in 6 months he will buy the house solely in his name because of your bad credit rating.

I wouldn’t pay him this month. He should be the last person to pay as he won’t put a 1 on your credit file.

"I wouldn’t pay him this month. He should be the last person to pay as he won’t put a 1 on your credit file."

That would be a dangerous move as if OP
And DP split, her finances will be significantly worse and as they aren't married maintenance will be CMS only.

@Kennykenkencat why shouldn't she pay him what she said she would? She's not experienced a change of circumstances or an emergency. She just no longer feels like having to budget because she found out he's got a bonus.

I agree they definitely need to sort out how they are splitting things and get on the same page. Frankly though, anyone who is a saver and cautious with money is going to find it hard to share finances with someone that takes a different approach.

Sensible post.

He's being unfair - you're a family and all family assets should be pooled

He's being fair - he's covering all the major bills and you can't expect to have as much money as him if you're paying off debt and are responsible for an extra child.

Opinions on whether (2) or (3) seem fairly evenly split and I don't think either is wrong if that's how you choose to manage your family finances.

Agreed, I'm in camp 3, with a hint of a 4th one which is:
(4) Some people pool and other have separate accounts and there's nothing wrong with either of those approaches, but both approaches rely on the couple being on the same page financially, so even if I'm in favour of joint finances I'd advise anyone to run for the hills if their partner had the OP's attitude to finances.

The root problem is that she isn’t improving her budgeting though. And no-one is ‘begrudging’ the DD a gym class, but rather pointing out that she hasn’t budgeted for it, has overspent at Christmas, despite being able to plan in advance, and has asked for a payment holiday on the money she owes DP, after only one payment !!

Maybe if he contributed to his own child's Christmas presents, and didn't also get his partner to buy presents for his family, oh and all the Christmas foods shopping, then maybe she wouldn't have overspent...

What he earns isn’t the point though is it? What you see as mean and controlling, others see as DP trying to instil some financial responsibility in the OP before he becomes financially linked with her and his own credit rating is affected.

He pays the mortgage and household bills and is making savings from which the OP will benefit.. She pays for food, clothes and incidentals for the children and paid for what she described as ‘the family’ christmas presents - didn’t specify whose family so maybe this needs to be clarified. On 25k with no living expenses I would have thought she could manage to do this without having to ask for a payment holiday after one instalment. He’s offering the OP a sound financial future and to be honest from what’s been said in her posts I think he’s the one who should be running for the hills.

Well we don't know that he didn't buy for his own family (OP only mentions her own plus friends). Or how much was spent on Christmas food (which doesn't have to be particularly more than usual).

Or, if OP had asked him to pick up some of the extra Christmas costs and what he said.

Actually we know very little indeed about their normal outgoings, but most posters are picking their response based on their own agenda.

OP didn't need to overspend at Christmas. She chose to.