My partner has all the money whilst I struggle

[twix23]

Hi so little context, my fiancé and I have 1 child and another on the way, and I have an older daughter from a previous relationship. I got my credit into a bad way when I was single mum for 7 years so I've spent the last 5 years since being with him paying off my debt and trying to get my credit score better so we can buy a bigger house together, as currently he solely owns the house we are in. We both work full time but earns 2-3 times more than I do, so he covers mortgage bills etc, puts money into house savings, whilst I cover the food shops, clothes and bits for the kids, n paying my debt off. I also am primary caregiver for our toddlers as I can WFH, sort childcare and do all the cooking and housework, so I work bloody hard lol.
Last month he paid off the remainder of my bad debt as we want to apply for mortgage in 6 months. It was £600 so I set up a standing order to him for £200 a month for next 3 months. I've still got 2 instalments to go. He announced last night he's had a really good profit share at work, and although wouldn't tell me exact figure, said he'd have about 3k to put into the house savings and still have a nice chunk left over to treat himself as he's worked hard. I asked if because of this he could give me a payment break just for March seeing as it's not like he needs my £200, but I do because I'm trying to pay off a credit card (not bad debt but would like to mostly cleared) and it's my eldests birthday and she's also just been enrolled into gymnastics, so it's gonna be an expensive month and a struggle for me. He said no. It's my debt I owe it so I need to pay it. I'm pregnant so my emotions are high rn anyway but when he went upstairs I just cried and cried. I know I'm going to really struggle now, whilst packages will be turning up every day for him splurging on himself. It just feels wrong? I understand it's my debt n he was amazing to clear it but I'm not refusing to pay it, just a month off. Who's being unreasonable here? He makes out I should be so grateful and I AM, but it's hard struggling and having no money to even get my hair done or buy much needed maternity clothes for myself, n then seeing him buy himself all the luxuries (he got himself a £200 pair of sunglasses last month ffs). Also the reason we don't have a joint account atm is because of my credit score, it would bring his down too. He said this will change when we do buy together but then expects me to pay 50% of the mortgage and bills. Just an outsider's perspective on this would be helpful I guess, I feel really down and I can't even afford to take my toddler out today.

I would tell him you will be putting the toddler and baby in a nursery and he will need to pay 50%, so that you can increase your income.

He needs to start viewing you all as a family.

What does he think marriage is? (Is your wedding actually planned?).

What marriage is is a legal and financial contract of partnership that makes income and assets the property of that partnership, rather than the individuals.

Talk to him about team work: you do having his kids and childcare, he focuses more on work. You are equal even if you take different roles within the team / partnership.

You cannot possibly take on all the childcare and pay 50% of mortgage.

I would work really hard on this conversation with him.

You will be a lot worse off as a single parent of 3, and as you are unmarried you will have no claim at all on the house. Married, and / or on the deeds and mortgage, you will have. So worth the discussion, IMO.

I'm confused about your finances.

If you earn £25k - and he pays all the major living expenses- where does your money go? It couldn't all be on grocery shopping and clothes?

How did you get into debt? Were you buying necessities as a single mum or things you didn't need?

No, i couldnt be with someone so ungenerous, My husband would never look at his money as his money, everything is shared and we get to buy whatever we want if we have enough for it. I would LTB but thats just me, I cant deal with tight people

This.

You need to stop paying for specific things each and get a joint household budget (bills, spending on kids etc) and pay for everything in proportion to your take home pay. You need to split spending on your eldest with your ex.

I’m the higher earner in my relationship. We add up all the bills and split it 60/40. Then we have a joint card for family/kids spending and split that 60/40. The 60/40 ratio changes depending on our jobs and take home pay situation (so I paid less while on maternity leave etc).

How are you on £25,000 a year and unable to pay for your child's gymnastics lessons?

So you're not married. That has huge consequences financially, particularly if house buying. You can't afford 50% mortgage. You could pay less and own less of a share. Assume he's putting deposit down.
I have the same split. DH earns more and pays bills/mortgage etc. I pay food and kids things needed. I don't pay towards mortgage.

This sounds really awful OP. If I was in a loving, healthy relationship and came into some unexpected money, my first thought would be that I'd like to do something nice for my DP or my family. I think that's a fairly normal reaction if you're in a relationship with a decent human.

The fact that his first thought was how to spend it on himself is worrying!

These 'family savings' he has...presumably it's an account in his name? I definitely wouldn't buy a house with him as you have very little protection.

This is the crux of the matter. I certianly
wouldnt buy a house with you OP.

going Forward you should be paying a proportion of the outgoings and so should he. His is higher because of his salary and you will both need to sit down and work this out.

ot could be a 70/30 split. Or it could be you don’t pay mortgage but you pay for other things. But it’s fair and proportional to your salaries.

OP, it sounds to me like the underlying theme of your relationship is that you should be grateful to him. That is just not healthy. You really need to leave, this dynamic is unhealthy and won't change. He wont see it from your point of view. If you can't leave then you just need to find the strength and crack on.

You don't sound as if you are living like a couple, who are engaged.
You are like two lodgers sharing a house each with your own money, other than him helping to pay off your debts. I am puzzled why he didn't just pay all of the £600 as I'm sure from what you say, he could have.

He keeps his bonus a secret and he won't contribute to your older DDs birthday gifts. Yet if you marry, she'd be his step daughter.

Sorry based on net monthly income (rather than gross annual salary) his contribution should be 69% and yours should be 31%.

I disagree with most people here. He is not responsible for your debt. You are. You need to talk about how you will split the mortgage but I don't think he is financially abusive. Also he is not responsible for anything to do with your child from a previous relationship that's the father's job.

I don’t get how he’s acting like he’s done you a favour by paying the debt off, he’s not paid it off, you’ve just changed who you owe it to.

Just reading the thread and got to this comment. The whole gender reversed thing fucking infuriates me and makes you look so stupid I'm cringing for you. If the roles were reversed you can be damned sure that the cocklodger wouldn't be doing all childcare and house related stuff. So stop fucking using it as a gotcha. IT ISN'T. It never is! Jesus I'm struggling on here recently. The stupidity is getting too much for me.

@jemimapuddlepluck

If a woman came on here saying she pays all of the mortgage and bills and her boyfriend who works PT and is SAHP (and therefore does all of the childcare and housework) and earns £25k, wants her to give him extra money/take less money off of him this month so he can pay for his child’s birthday that he shares with his ex - every single person would be calling him every name under the sun.

No one should be struggling on £25k a year when they don’t pay any mortgage or utility bills, regardless of sex.

The eldest DD is her and her ex’s responsibility.

It is not fair that her partner should keep bailing her out because she’s so bad with money.

She buys food for a family of 4, their clothes, and everything else for the children, and has been paying off her debts,

I earn 3x as much as my partner, maybe slightly more. If I want to go on a 5 star holiday I don’t make him pay half of it. He’d be happy on a 3 star holiday, and so would I, but if I wanted to push the boat out I wouldn’t expect him to pay half as we’re not even remotely comparable income wise. Someone mentioned above that you both have totally different standards of living and that’s where I feel the issue is. You’re partners, you’re a team, or you should be. One of you shouldn’t be struggling along while the other buys designer sunglasses. You’re also an adult and it’s not his place to teach you a lesson. Clear your debt with him, get that out of the way. I suggest when you get a mortgage, if he insists it’s a 50\50 split, get one that you can afford. Do not get pulled into a mortgage based on his income. If he wants a higher one, tell him you can’t do it on a 50/50 split, you simply don’t have that income. Then I strongly suggest a separate account, for you. Not for bills, kids, etc. Keep it for a rainy day, even if it’s just £10 a week. If you ever need to leave etc, your nest egg will be waiting.

It's all very well saying she has £25K- what about net income?
What about her debt? We don't know how much she has been paying. It could be £1K a month- she's not said.

I agree with this

Genuine question: if you left him would you actually end up better off? So your salary + universal credit + cms from your daughter's dad + 2 x cms from dad if younger two? I'm not saying do that but it might be a helpful way of showing him why his suggestion of 50/50 going forwards is unfair. (The flipside of course is that in that scenario you don't end up owning a share of a property. )

He earns 65k and you earn 25k? Who does housework and childcare? Is it split equally?

I do everything with regards to housework and childcare. He goes to work and pays the bills.

Tell your midwife that he is financially abusing you and have her refer you to support to help you to leave.

This stuff never gets better. Just worse. They get away with something awful and that just encourages them to dig deeper and do something worse.

OP, he’s not your cash machine. You’re not married, this isn’t family money. It’s his money, why should he pay your debt? It’s not his fault you don’t earn much and he’s already supporting you. Equally, stop doing all the child care and cleaning etc, if you’re doing that whilst you’re meant to be working from home, you’ll never proceed in your career so that you can earn more. On top of that, just as it’s fair that you pay your way, it’s only fair he pulls his weight domestically.