My partner has all the money whilst I struggle

[twix23]

Hi so little context, my fiancé and I have 1 child and another on the way, and I have an older daughter from a previous relationship. I got my credit into a bad way when I was single mum for 7 years so I've spent the last 5 years since being with him paying off my debt and trying to get my credit score better so we can buy a bigger house together, as currently he solely owns the house we are in. We both work full time but earns 2-3 times more than I do, so he covers mortgage bills etc, puts money into house savings, whilst I cover the food shops, clothes and bits for the kids, n paying my debt off. I also am primary caregiver for our toddlers as I can WFH, sort childcare and do all the cooking and housework, so I work bloody hard lol.
Last month he paid off the remainder of my bad debt as we want to apply for mortgage in 6 months. It was £600 so I set up a standing order to him for £200 a month for next 3 months. I've still got 2 instalments to go. He announced last night he's had a really good profit share at work, and although wouldn't tell me exact figure, said he'd have about 3k to put into the house savings and still have a nice chunk left over to treat himself as he's worked hard. I asked if because of this he could give me a payment break just for March seeing as it's not like he needs my £200, but I do because I'm trying to pay off a credit card (not bad debt but would like to mostly cleared) and it's my eldests birthday and she's also just been enrolled into gymnastics, so it's gonna be an expensive month and a struggle for me. He said no. It's my debt I owe it so I need to pay it. I'm pregnant so my emotions are high rn anyway but when he went upstairs I just cried and cried. I know I'm going to really struggle now, whilst packages will be turning up every day for him splurging on himself. It just feels wrong? I understand it's my debt n he was amazing to clear it but I'm not refusing to pay it, just a month off. Who's being unreasonable here? He makes out I should be so grateful and I AM, but it's hard struggling and having no money to even get my hair done or buy much needed maternity clothes for myself, n then seeing him buy himself all the luxuries (he got himself a £200 pair of sunglasses last month ffs). Also the reason we don't have a joint account atm is because of my credit score, it would bring his down too. He said this will change when we do buy together but then expects me to pay 50% of the mortgage and bills. Just an outsider's perspective on this would be helpful I guess, I feel really down and I can't even afford to take my toddler out today.

Fuck that. You’re pregnant, he should be looking after you and avoiding stress not contributing to it. And any extra money should be both of yours as a family not his. I could say so much more about this but seriously don’t buy a house with him.

Like the £3000 extra he's putting into the savings?

@GoodChat they don’t share finances, that’s extremely clear. It seems extremely unlikely ‘savings’ means a joint account. Many a man has said I’m saving so much for us and our babies, then fucked off with all the extra money he’s earnt while being supported by his child’s mum looking after their baby. This man is more likely to not pay child maintenance than he is to regard his savings as both of theirs.

OP this sounds like it could be financial abuse. Womens aid have a section on this.

He needs your salary on the paperwork to buy a bigger house.

You are a partnership, one person shouldn't be struggling financially whilst the other spends like Imelda Marcos.

Great he's paid your debt off. Except he hasn't, you just owe the debt to him now, and instead of an affordable payment plan, he's being a loan shark.

What would happen if you didn't pay him 200 this month? Would he get angry? Silent treatment? Verbal abuse? Emotional abuse? Would you be safe? Would your children be safe?

As for a 50/50 split in bills in the new house. Again that is unrealistic, unfair and for you potentially dangerous. You wouldn't have a way to save and leave, he seems to want you skint, working full time, and doing all the housework and child rearing.

He has it made. Whilst you tie yourself in knots. Do not buy a house with him. Don't have any more children with him. Your instincts are telling you it's not right, because it isn't.

And @Rodneyisaplonker DFOD

I‘m not really sure what I think about this tbh. Your partner doesn’t come across great, but equally you have been financially irresponsible and got into debt and I do think you have to take some responsibility for the fact you decided to keep having babies without getting yourself sorted financially and making sure you were preferably married or had a fair and stable financial arrangement with your boyfriend.

You do have some choice and some agency over your own life and from what you’ve said it doesn’t sound like you’ve made great choices.

She’s being paying it off for 5yrs and is on the last little bits. Unless she has some spending issues then he’s just an ass. He earns 2-3 times what she does.
You are together 5yrs op and about to have your 2nd child together. I think in the early days it was fine to expect you to pay your debts. But now he’s asking you to pay half the mortgage etc because now your debts are paid he wants to make sure you still have no spare money. Maternity clothes are an essential and it’s his child, he should be paying for them. Why can’t he pay for the birthday and gymnastics if it’s the principal that you pay your debt? Charge him for childcare also, and/or make sure he does 50% of all childcare and housework etc.
Personally I think you should leave and claim child maintenance!

You are in a relationship with your own financial director, he has a FWB.

Considering they're buying a house in 6 months and the OP is still paying off debt I'd say there's a 99% chance they're house savings.

This isn't a partnership. He shouldn't watch you suffer whilst buying lavish gifts . He knows you're in a vulnerable position . He doesn't seem to respect or care for you much.

Wow fuck that guy.

Do you actually have a wedding date set or is he stringing you along on that as well?

Stop being his maid. Why doesn't he do any housework or childcare?

Did that sound really clever and funny in your head?

Fair is an interesting word. Your financial histories and money management are not the same.
Agree with this.

He sounds like he could be an arse, but they've entered the relationship in very different financial situations and by all accounts very different outlooks on money. That alone would make me want to seriously reconsidering marrying him.

It doesn't sound like they're financially compatible and the arrival of a new baby could well exacerbate existing financial tensions.

@musingsinmidlife has made some reasonable points particularly in the age we live in now.

I think you should have a rethink and take some responsibility for your own actions and how you wish to plan better for yourself going forward.

You cannot rely on anyone else 100% like this, especially when you have your own non-shared children in the mix. Housing costs on their own are significant and you have that all paid for.

Do you get any maintenance from your eldest kids dad to assist with her extra curricular expenses?

@musingsinmidlife has a point even if it is difficult for you to hear it - knuckle down and pay your debt which is now almost finished and start planning with a fresh approach in the future. You can do it and best wishes.

Must be reading this differently to others. Until this point he's been covering the lions share of the bills. You need an honest conversation about finances before you continue along your relationship journey, something you should have had prior to having children. You earn less so I detect jealousy from you but he's putting his extra money into the house fund, in fact the only thing you mention he's bought himself is sunglasses.

Do you get maintenance for your older child? That is potentially an issue too I'm guessing?

Sit down and get a budget sorted, all the expenses written down, the savings for the house and then each of your base incomes (including child benefits and maintenance if applicable) then work out what is fair as far as contributions are concerned, I pay 1/3 as an example, I earn a lot less but why should my dp subsidise me any more! In your case ensure all activities by your joint child are in the spread sheets, but you first dc, unless your dp has expressed otherwise is your responsibility

op id be sending him an invoice for the childcare

And you think he’ll respond to that how? It’s one of those bizarre things people always say on here. If he then sends her an invoice for housing her, the shared child and the one that isn’t his, plus all their other big bills, is that fair?

You're in a financially abusive relationship.

He only loaned you the money (paid the £600 to clear your debt) for his own benefit. You see that, right?

You're not in this together.

You are working and doing all the slogging at home with his home and his child and child-to-be AND watching him buy himself loads of treats for himself whilst demanding you empty your account to give him cash now he doesn't need.

And going forward, he expects you to pay 50% of the expenses going forward while he makes 2 - 3x as much as you AND you do all his childcare and home stuff to boot. After carrying his children and needing time out for that.

FFS. He's a monster.

You’d be better off leaving him and apply for CMS. I very much doubt he’ll marry you if he’s that much of a stickler on finances.

Well are you receiving CMS from your eldests dad?

Because if not he's effectively paying to house a child that isn't his? You aren't paying towards housing and living - let's be honest here "food shops and bits for the kids" is the lowest bills you likely have as a household

Also it's your debt

So actually I think you are being a bit unreasonable sorry OP - if he wasn't paying the majority of the housing and living costs you'd still be in debt and if you weren't with him you'd need to house yourself and your eldest?

I completely agree with this.

If gender were reversed the OP would be called a Cocklodger.

Bloody hell. He's horrible isn't he? This is one of the saddest things I've read on here.

You are pregnant with his child, he is engaged to marry you and yet he would rather see you struggle financially and suffer the stress of being in debt than pay off a measly few hundred quid so he can "treat himself"?

He doesn't think much of you does he?

For context - when I gave up work to have our first child with (then bf) dh, he paid off my £10k of debt - because he could and he wanted me to be debt free and go happily into motherhood with our first child without any stress. Because he's a good man.

I don't understand how the OP is struggling. A full time salary and only food and a few extras to pay for. Where is the money going. Thats the question. Not all this hand wringing about unfairness.

I’m sure most MNers would say he’s financially abusive but I completely disagree.

No way would I pay off my partners debts.
He got into debt and it’s up to him to sort it out.

If I posted that my DH had just taken a loan out to pay for a car for himself and expects me to pay half of the loan off, everyone would be saying he’s taking the mick.

It sounds like he’s paying for a lot more than you are - mortgage, bills, £3k house payments etc all which benefit you.

If you were a single parent you would be paying all of these things yourself and be much worse off.

I don’t think it’s fair if one person is struggling and can’t ask for money from their partner or a payment break and I get why you are upset about this as it’s only 1 month.

The bills should be split as a percentage eg 50% of both wages go into a joint account and all of the bills paid from this.

He earns more than you do he’s going to have more money spare but he’s also going to be contributing a hell of a lot more too, meaning you have more spare money than if you were single.
Just because the cash isn’t in your hands, doesn’t mean that he’s not being fair with his money.

Honestly, you shouldn’t be struggling when the majority of your bills are covered and so it sounds like you aren’t good with money which is maybe why he’s so adamant that you stick to the repayment plan.

Umm. I think it’s balanced fairly well right now. he pays bills and mortgage. You buy food. he’s lent you an amount and you presumably agreed to pay it back at a set rate.

for the future, I don’t think it’s right for you to pay 50% of everything. As he earns x3. This may be a deal breaker for either of you.

@twix23
You have much bigger problems than owing him £200 a month - it's your debt but he's manipulating you.

He knows your in a vunerable position

Why have yet another cold with him??
That's just ridiculous.

Do not marry him or buy a house your already tied to him with having a toddler and 1 on the way - I'd leave to be honest he's a bully

op id be sending him an invoice for the childcare

Well Perhaps he should invoice her for housing and living costs for a child that isn't his 🤔