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Original poster

Friend wants me to loan her my inheritance - WWYD?

495 replies

TeaForTara · 07/08/2020 16:27

Just typed this out and it's long - sorry. In a nutshell, I am due to inherit some money, friend has asked me to give her a loan, I am reluctant. Am I just being mean and, if not, how do I say no nicely?

My friend has been through a tough time (divorce etc) but has always been terrible with money. She is hugely in debt - partly because of having to buy XH out of the house but also because of poor priorities like holidays, expensive gifts for DC, out most nights of the week (before lockdown and started again since it ended.) Has had about 4 cars since I got mine.

I am going to receive an inheritance shortly. Not boasting, but I don't need the money right now - I will be investing it for my retirement fund. She thinks I'm very lucky and in a way I am, but In the past I have scrimped and saved to get to this position - I spent years with no holidays, limited socialising, driving old bangers, second hand furniture, charity shop clothes etc.

She is asking if I can lend her some of my inheritance to help her out. I am reluctant. I'm sure I wouldn't get it back as there would always be another crisis. That's not really the issue, though - i would be glad to help her out if I felt that she was doing everything possible to live within her means, but it will stick in my craw if I lend her money and she uses it to take the DC on holiday or similar. Am I just being mean?

How do I say no tactfully? I have offered to help her go through her finances and work out a budget but she declined (fair enough, I wouldn't want people poking through my finances, but then I'm not asking them for a loan.) She's been to Step Change or one of the other help places in the past and had a CVA. Not sure if that's ongoing. I've tried to talk about living within your means but it's just water off a duck's back.

OP posts:
mintyt · 08/08/2020 10:21

If you have a sizeable inheritance, and she's a good friend and you really like her would you think about giving her an amount but in your head it's a gift, but in here's it's a loan. If she pays you back all well and good and if she doesn't you expected that anyway. You could say when you have been lent money in the past it always came with strings, and so does this, your to be responsible with it

Redlocks28 · 08/08/2020 10:30

How would you feel if you gave her money and she bought a holiday/meals out/gifts for her kids?

Mistigri · 08/08/2020 10:44

If she was a real friend she would not have asked and put you in a difficult position. What friend goes to someone recently bereaved and asks for a loan from their inheritance?

Totally this. I have lent large sums of money (several thousand) to friends in need on several occasions in the past. But it was always me making the offer and it was only accepted reluctantly after being offered several times.

I always go into this sort of arrangement with my eyes open - there's a risk that it turns out to be a gift not a loan, and you have to be prepared to take that risk. (I've always been repaid as it happens - because I have lent to genuine friends not grabby people).

The only other thing to say is that what matters is whether YOU want to lend the money. Personally I try not to get into value judgements about whether the person has been "sensible" with their money in the past or not.

purplecorkheart · 08/08/2020 10:51

She's the first one to put her hand in her pocket to buy a round.

That is easy to do when you are using someone else's money.

puzzledpiece · 08/08/2020 11:26

A unanimous NO

LemonadeFromLemons · 08/08/2020 11:58

There are three potential scenarios here:

  1. you don’t lend friend the money and she decides she no longer wants to be friend (in which case I’d wonder why financial support from you was tied into her idea of your friendship)
  2. you lend your friend the money and you have to pester her to pay it back. Which from her previous money management sounds highly likely. You begin to resent the friendship and you no longer want to be her friend.
  3. You lend her the money and she pays you back eventually. In the meantime you get to worry about whether you’ll get it back the whole time you are lending it.
redcarbluecar · 08/08/2020 12:02

Just say an unequivocal no - "I won't be lending you any money". If I was the other friend in this situation, that's what I'd need to hear. If you want to make a small gift to her instead, that's up to you.

MitziK · 08/08/2020 12:11

@TeaForTara

OK I have all the answers I need; thank you all very much. I'm going to go with something like SummerInSun's suggestion.

I don't like you all thinking she's a money-grabbing, scheming CF. She's really not. Like I said, she'll be the first to put her hand in her pocket and buy a round. Most of the reason that she goes out so much is that she is achingly lonely since the divorce and hates being home alone if the kids aren't there.

Don't you mean 'She'll be the first to put her hand into my pocket and buy a round'?
Binglebong · 08/08/2020 12:22

She knows I had a holiday to Argentina last year etc. so she can figure out that I'm comfortably off without my having to say anything at all.

She has also had expensive holidays and she is not comfortably off. Outward appearance means little - if she mentions it say it was a great holiday but you will be a long time paying it off.

DoorstoManual · 08/08/2020 12:26

I lent a friend money, I offered she didn't ask.

She paid me back in three large tranches, I worried all the time about not being paid back, not because of the money we could afford to lose it, I didn't want to lose the friendship, which is as solid and strong as ever.

I would never do it again.

chipolte · 08/08/2020 12:35

OP, I find it depressing that you feel guilty about not giving a large sum of money to someone just because they ask and expect it, and feel you can only say no with good justification for doing so.

That money was left to you, it’s your future security. Just say no, end of discussion.

uniglowooljumper · 08/08/2020 13:52

If she was a real friend she would not have asked and put you in a difficult position. What friend goes to someone recently bereaved and asks for a loan from their inheritance?

This. I have friends who are quite rich, one whose father is approaching billionaire status and she herself has an incredible job and earns mega. I would NEVER dream of asking either one for a loan and always make sure I pay my way or just say, 'Thanks for the invite but I'm going to have to pass.'

If I give money to someone it's theirs to do what they will with it, but if I found out they handed it over to someone who still hasn't learned to be responsible with money then that would be the last time I did so.

That money was left for you, not to throw out the window on your friend, because that is exactly what will happen to it.

So she goes bankrupt? It happens all the time. It's often not the insolvent's fault. So? It's not your job to stop that and you can't and won't.

Don't be a fool.

LunaLula83 · 08/08/2020 13:59

Why on earth did you tell her?. Stop being a doormat. A simple no is all that's needed.

pasteldechocolateconchispa · 08/08/2020 14:02

It the person was still alive you wouldn’t have it that’s the way I always look it. So continue as you are and put it away for your future without a second thought. You know you aren’t getting it back and what a bloody cheek, ask her would she have asked the deceased for a loan if they were still here? bet she bloody well wouldn’t. What is it about someone dying makes everyone grabby?

Original poster
TeaForTara · 08/08/2020 15:27

I wasn't going to post any more here but I still think people are judging her too harshly. She doesn't have frequent expensive holidays, she has the occasional cheap holiday (usually only once a year.) She doesn't have a big salary by Mumsnet standards but it's respectable for this part of the country. She has to pay the mortgage on her own and raise the kids on that.

OP posts:
labyrinthloafer · 08/08/2020 15:32

@TeaForTara

I wasn't going to post any more here but I still think people are judging her too harshly. She doesn't have frequent expensive holidays, she has the occasional cheap holiday (usually only once a year.) She doesn't have a big salary by Mumsnet standards but it's respectable for this part of the country. She has to pay the mortgage on her own and raise the kids on that.
You sound like a good friend op.
ButterMeCrumpets · 08/08/2020 15:33

I wasn't going to post any more here but I still think people are judging her too harshly.

I think people are judging her because there is no way they would ever ask a friend for their inheritance. I certainly wouldn't ask.

Rainbowshine · 08/08/2020 15:34

Her financial situation is not your responsibility, fault or problem to fix.

Rainbowshine · 08/08/2020 15:40

@TeaForTara your situation reminded me of a previous thread, it’s a lengthy one but worth reading through the replies.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3957264-WIBU-to-say-no-to-bailing-BIL-out

Original poster
TeaForTara · 08/08/2020 15:54

OK so just for clarity:

I am NOT going to lend her any of my inheritance.

I am not going to mention it to her. If she brings it up again (she didn't the last time I saw her) I'll say that it's all going straight in to my pension fund without hitting my bank account so I won't have direct access to it. It's possible that she just mentioned it on the spur of the moment as the idea popped into her head and has regretted it since, so maybe we'll just both pretend it never happened.

I will see if I can find some other way to help her out i.e. maybe pay for something specific directly.

I agree with PP who have said that giving her a loan, in her circumstances, is only delaying the inevitable and allowing her to continue to stick her head in the sand for a while longer rather than face up to it. In the long run it won't help her because a one-off sum wouldn't solve the underlying problem. This helps salve my conscience because I can tell myself that refusing the loan is actually for her own good.

Thank you to everyone who has reassured me that I'm not just being mean, but doing the right thing.

OP posts:
StyleandBeautyfail · 08/08/2020 15:56

but also because of poor priorities like holidays, expensive gifts for DC, out most nights of the week (before lockdown and started again since it ended.) Has had about 4 cars since I got mine

Op this is what you posted in your opening post.
4 cars since you got yours, holidays and nights out plus expensive gifts.
You are trying to justify your behaviour when you need to take a huge step back and stop getting involved in your friends finances and thinking that its normal.
For context when DH and I got together it was 4.5 years as a couple before we joined forces financially and got a joint account.
No way would either of us asked each other for a loan out of inheritance money whilst eating out, buying gifts and changing cars 4 times.

Rainbowshine · 08/08/2020 15:57

@TeaForTara that’s a great update. I think you might help yourself to have a ready made phrase or reply in case she does mention it again.

StyleandBeautyfail · 08/08/2020 15:57

Xpost!
Well done OP !

pasteldechocolateconchispa · 08/08/2020 16:10

Be grateful someone thought enough of you to leave you inheritance

HeronLanyon · 08/08/2020 16:34
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