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Original poster

Friend wants me to loan her my inheritance - WWYD?

495 replies

TeaForTara · 07/08/2020 16:27

Just typed this out and it's long - sorry. In a nutshell, I am due to inherit some money, friend has asked me to give her a loan, I am reluctant. Am I just being mean and, if not, how do I say no nicely?

My friend has been through a tough time (divorce etc) but has always been terrible with money. She is hugely in debt - partly because of having to buy XH out of the house but also because of poor priorities like holidays, expensive gifts for DC, out most nights of the week (before lockdown and started again since it ended.) Has had about 4 cars since I got mine.

I am going to receive an inheritance shortly. Not boasting, but I don't need the money right now - I will be investing it for my retirement fund. She thinks I'm very lucky and in a way I am, but In the past I have scrimped and saved to get to this position - I spent years with no holidays, limited socialising, driving old bangers, second hand furniture, charity shop clothes etc.

She is asking if I can lend her some of my inheritance to help her out. I am reluctant. I'm sure I wouldn't get it back as there would always be another crisis. That's not really the issue, though - i would be glad to help her out if I felt that she was doing everything possible to live within her means, but it will stick in my craw if I lend her money and she uses it to take the DC on holiday or similar. Am I just being mean?

How do I say no tactfully? I have offered to help her go through her finances and work out a budget but she declined (fair enough, I wouldn't want people poking through my finances, but then I'm not asking them for a loan.) She's been to Step Change or one of the other help places in the past and had a CVA. Not sure if that's ongoing. I've tried to talk about living within your means but it's just water off a duck's back.

OP posts:

IamMaz · 10/08/2020 10:15

NO NO NO NO NO NO - JUST NO!!!!!!!

She is trying to take advantage of you for her own selfish means.

marton4710 · 10/08/2020 11:13

You must not do this. You could say the money is tied up in a trust or something similar. You are obviously a kind hearted person and want to help your friend. If however you do decide to lend her any amount be sure you get a signed legal document. It may cost you about $250/300 but well worth it if you have problems in getting it back.

ivykaty44 · 10/08/2020 22:33

If she asks again - and don’t you bring it up.

Oh I’ve had some financial advise and the money is tied up for now

It’s true mumsnet have told you financially if you loan her money you won’t see it again

It’s tied up tight in your bank account

If she comments on this

Say

Jyst like you didn’t want me helping you with a budget as money is private I feel the same

nubeejinnings · 10/08/2020 22:38

I was in a similar position years ago. In the end I said that I had no direct access to the money and had to go via a trust which had certain clauses in relation to how the money was used.

YourWinter · 10/08/2020 23:31

No, absolutely not. She will want more, and more, and if you've helped her once it's a lot harder to say no.

My late mother had a neighbour, a single mother, older woman who thought the pregnancy would get her married lover to leave his wife. He didn't. She was a highly intelligent woman who knew exactly how to elicit sympathy from my mother. That poor little boy, no money from his father again, can't pay the gas bill... or buy him new shoes... or fix the car... notes put through the door, please, can you help me again, just £100 will be so wonderful, I'd really appreciate it... and next time, just £150, I'll pay it back as soon as I'm able to...

She must have had thousands out of my mother. Slimy, sickly sweet, clever woman knew how to manipulate an old lady and my mother wouldn't refuse help to anyone. When mum died, funnily enough the neighbour never asked my brother to bail her out. I hope karma catches up with the awful woman while she's young enough to realise how despicably she behaved.

Neither a borrower nor a lender be. That's what banks are for. Let your friend get them to pay for her holidays, let the appropriate authorities help her to deal with her debt. Step well away, say no and mean it. You don't have to tell her why, it's none of her business what you do with your money, don't even discuss it, just say it's not her concern and you're simply not discussing this very private matter now or ever. If it ends your friendship it wasn't worth having in the first place.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 11/08/2020 09:44

Op your friend is not struggling just irresponsible with money...i think the person who died will be spinning in their grave if you give out this money....grow a backbone and say no to this freeloader.

kevinbacone · 11/08/2020 09:47

Just say no as you have other plans for the money.

BlueCookieMonster · 11/08/2020 09:52

I would never in a million years lend this person money!

norcam29 · 11/08/2020 10:55

definitely don't lend the money. As you say it yourself you wont get the money back. Make some excuse like you need it to pay your mortgage or something else. Its your money & you need it ,impress that & say you wont have it for a while anyway.

ICouldHaveCheckedFirst · 12/08/2020 16:20

No, you can't lend it out, as it's required for something.

For you to live on in the YOUR future.

Frankly, it's none of her business. You'd never see a penny of it back, so if you really want to, make her a one-off gift, or buy her something as a gift so that she doesn't see the cash.

Original poster

TeaForTara · 18/08/2020 03:21

Update: I saw her over the weekend. She didn’t mention the loan. I hope it was just something she blurted out as the thought entered her head and has since thought better of.

She decided she was hungry and would order a takeaway. She had food at home but didn’t fancy cooking. I suggested she’d be better off saving the money but her response was that the price of one takeaway won’t make a dent in her debts. I said all the little things do add up, surprisingly so when you work it out, and mentioned the moneysavingexpert forum. She wasn’t interested and ordered the takeaway. I didn’t pay for it and I’m going to stop trying to help as it probably comes across as me trying to tell her how to live her life, plus it makes me frustrated. I’ll stick to sympathetic but non-committal responses in future even if she asks me for advice, because she doesn’t really want it.

OP posts:

Legoandloldolls · 18/08/2020 03:30

Dont do it. One of my mates was in geniune hardship so I lent her a few hundred. She bought clothes, took her bf out for meals etc etc all before paying me back after a year. Seeing her place me last on her list of priorities really hurt. She then came into 100k and list of all that in a year.

Mo ey is bottomless pit to some and however much they have, they will spend it. I dont even lend to my dh now as he is just as clueless if not worse

Pixxie7 · 18/08/2020 03:53

Tell her you value your friendship too much and are concerned that getting into any financial relationship could ruin that. You don’t have to justify your reasons.

MrDarcysMa · 18/08/2020 06:20

Absolutely not, can't believe the neck on her!
Say no and do not apologise - you're not doing anything wrong.

MzHz · 18/08/2020 08:49

Well done @TeaForTara, you managed that super well and actually if she DOES have the front to ask, you’ll find it easy to say no. She isn’t interested in fixing this, she’s literally making all the wrong choices in full knowledge so any money you give her will just vanish in to an abyss and won’t even help her because she’s in such a mess.

In the event of her raising it again, keep it to as few words as possible and say, no, that’s not something I’m prepared to do.

Do you think she was angling for you to pay for her takeaway?

chickenyhead · 18/08/2020 08:53

just say our friendship means too much for me to risk losing it over finances.

Original poster

TeaForTara · 18/08/2020 11:39

@MzHz

Well done *@TeaForTara*, you managed that super well and actually if she DOES have the front to ask, you’ll find it easy to say no. She isn’t interested in fixing this, she’s literally making all the wrong choices in full knowledge so any money you give her will just vanish in to an abyss and won’t even help her because she’s in such a mess.

In the event of her raising it again, keep it to as few words as possible and say, no, that’s not something I’m prepared to do.

Do you think she was angling for you to pay for her takeaway?

Thanks.

No, she wasn't angling for me to pay for the takeaway but up thread I said I wasn't going to lend her the money but would look for other ways to help her out instead. This wasn't it.

OP posts:

MzHz · 18/08/2020 11:58

@TeaForTara thing is love, you HAVE tried to help her but she doesn’t want your help because that means she can’t carry on living as she pleases.

Ultimately you have no need to Help her, she’s the only one who can help herself but doesn’t want to.

Please don’t feel guilty about the consequences that others have as a direct result of their freely made choices.

Nothing of her situation is down to bad luck or malicious behaviour, she is literally her own worst enemy

Pepperwand · 18/08/2020 12:48

I think in situations like this a friend even asking for money can damage the friendship. If you loaned it and didn't get it back that would ruin your relationship. So either way the friendship is damaged, at least if you say no you've still got the money!

Geauxtigers · 27/08/2020 12:56

Please. Please. Please. Under no circumstances give her any of your money. Whoever gave you this inheritance wanted you to have it, not bail out a friend who can't manage her finances. Let's me honest, this isn't a loan, you've said yourself that you wouldn't think you would ever see it again so essentially she's just asking for a handout because you have come into some money and don't need it right away as you have budgeted well and been sensible with your spending.
I would say sorry but it was instructed (in the will/by the person who left it) to be used for my future/pension pot/children and I wouldn't feel comfortable going against their wishes. If you wanted to call her bluff then say you would think about lending her some but only if you went to a lawyer and drew up an official lending agreement and repayment schedule with interest added. You will be losing money if you lend it to her as in a bank or in stocks and shares you would be adding to the value of the inheritance. She clearly doesn't understand how money works, even though you've tried to help. Please don't give her a penny of what is rightfully yours.

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