Friend wants me to loan her my inheritance - WWYD?

[TeaForTara]

Just typed this out and it's long - sorry. In a nutshell, I am due to inherit some money, friend has asked me to give her a loan, I am reluctant. Am I just being mean and, if not, how do I say no nicely?

My friend has been through a tough time (divorce etc) but has always been terrible with money. She is hugely in debt - partly because of having to buy XH out of the house but also because of poor priorities like holidays, expensive gifts for DC, out most nights of the week (before lockdown and started again since it ended.) Has had about 4 cars since I got mine.

I am going to receive an inheritance shortly. Not boasting, but I don't need the money right now - I will be investing it for my retirement fund. She thinks I'm very lucky and in a way I am, but In the past I have scrimped and saved to get to this position - I spent years with no holidays, limited socialising, driving old bangers, second hand furniture, charity shop clothes etc.

She is asking if I can lend her some of my inheritance to help her out. I am reluctant. I'm sure I wouldn't get it back as there would always be another crisis. That's not really the issue, though - i would be glad to help her out if I felt that she was doing everything possible to live within her means, but it will stick in my craw if I lend her money and she uses it to take the DC on holiday or similar. Am I just being mean?

How do I say no tactfully? I have offered to help her go through her finances and work out a budget but she declined (fair enough, I wouldn't want people poking through my finances, but then I'm not asking them for a loan.) She's been to Step Change or one of the other help places in the past and had a CVA. Not sure if that's ongoing. I've tried to talk about living within your means but it's just water off a duck's back.

Please don’t do this.

Just say that it’s tied up in investment.

I’m my circle of friends we barely discuss money in depth - this needs to be your new norm. Stop talking about your money in detail and just be vague vague vague vaaaaaaague!

Op this happened to me except it was after a devastating break up. Ex fiancé and I sold our joint house. A very good friend and my sister both asked for a loan. The friend ( who i loaned a lot more to )never paid me back, moved away and went incognito.
If you can't afford to lose it don't loan it

No no no no no and hell no. Unless you don't need the money and are happy to wave goodbye to it. Either way, it'll affect the friendship. Just...no.

I read 1st paragraph only. No need to read more. Do not lend money unless you a) are happy to watch the borrower literally take a match to it and b) accept you might never get it back.

As I said earlier, pay for a few bills and supermarket delivery to help out if that's what you want to do.

But a loan or cash NO, NEVER. sorry for shouting.

Still wonder how friend knows about the inheritance. Straight in there wasn't she? Neck like a jockey's blx there, and no shame whatsoever.

I think I would say something along the lines of IF possible
"Great Aunty was so happy that she could leave me some money. She wanted me to put it away for my old age so that's what I'll be doing

But seriously don't get into it.

Just adding my voice to the "Hell, NO!" camp.

I refused to lend my sister money last year- I know what she's like with money. And once it was gone, they would next year be back in the same position asking for more.

If you lend to her, you are unlikely to get the money back given her spendthrift ways. There will always be an excuse for a repayment being late, and eventually she'll manufacture a gigantic argument and cut you off completely. I know too many instances of this happening, don't let yourself be another.

With the way the world is right now, excuse me, but f**k no. You need every security net you’ve got.
I would never ask this of a friend. What a position to put you in.

Tell her you've invested it into your pension pot, for when you retire. So it's not deemed as acessible.

There are those who perceive themselves as victims and continually find themselves in some financial pickle or other, and there are those who are not and have organised their lives.

Giving a loan is like giving a few bottles of gin to an alcoholic.

Salty, I thinks that's a bit sweeping, and I would never see a friend go hungry or owt especially in these difficult times. But in my experience the people who come asking are ones who have made poor decisions previously and are used to an easy solution. So I'd pay a gas bill or buy a grocery shop if I could manage it but never ever ever lend cash beyond the odd 20 Quid.

Why on earth would you give your inheritance to someone who spends their decent salary on expensive holidays and going out, rather than them paying their bills.

I wouldn't mention it again in the hope that they have the decency not to bring it up again.

Why do you need to be tactful?? Just say NO, lending money to friends is never a good idea!

Absolutely not, if she isn't good with money and is in debt. You can't reasonably expect her to repay the money. Put the money in savings until you know what to do with it. Lending to friends is stressful and tbh not a good idea

TeaForTara
It sounds like you have got what you need from this thread, but I'd just like to say that you seem like a really good person and friend.

You need to say no, she needs help to manage her money

No, no, no don't do it.

No! And dont worry about how it comes across - she certainly hasn't been coy about being a cheeky fucker!

If she was a real friend she would not have asked and put you in a difficult position. What friend goes to someone recently bereaved and asks for a loan from their inheritance?

No way would I loan her money. You can say you have not yet decided what to do with it but you think it would be better for your relationship to not lend her money. She sounds like she is living outside her means so if you do it once she will ask you again and again. Get some investment advice and tell her she needs to get out of her financial difficulties herself. What a cheek.

"I'm sorry, I already have plans for that money"

I had a small bequest from an uncle and the estate took about a year to finalise before the solicitors were able to disburse the funds. They had to advertise in the papers in case there were more heirs etc. So you could easily spin it out for a year of more of "legal business" before you know the terms of the bequest which may then tie up the money or dictate how it must be invested.

I would not mention the bequest again to your friend. If she brings it up you can airily say something on the lines of the above and use that as a conversation closer.

Although you shouldn't have to explain yourself, I'd be tempted to say "I'm sorry but no, as ..... (whoever left the money) was adamant that it should be used to help me in my retirement (or something similar).

Just don't give her any money. She's not helping herself and it's not your responsibility!

So she won't ask her DC for rent or food money as she doesn't want to upset them. So basically she's asking you to subsidise her and her DC! Bloody cheek!!!

How she reacts when you tell her 'no' will also tell you more about her character.

You are a very loyal friend, it's obvious by your posts, and if it comes up again you have nothing to feel guilty about in saying no. I'd also say desperate times make people do desperate things and not be too hard on her about asking. Maybe you could try and encourage her to find cheap ways to have fun that don't involve bars and cafes. Go walking with her, get her way from the materialism a moment. Give her affection, security and a shoulder to cry on and remind her that's what her children need too.