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WIBU to say no to bailing BIL out?

(579 Posts)
YeahWhatevver Fri 03-Jul-20 13:31:26

Really struggling to work out what to do.

DH and BIL are relatively close. BIL has never been great with money, definitely lives for the moment. Has in the past had quite a bit of credit card debt and has previously struggled with managing his money. He has (had) a decent job BIL and SIL both work, though SIL is 2 days a week. They have 2 kids.

DH and BIL inherited just under 90k each about 2.5 years ago from their Mother's estate. Nothing was ever discussed about what they were planning to do with it, we put a lot of it into the mortgage or set it aside to put into the mortgage when our fixed term ends (want to a out early repayment fees) and have put some aside for our kids (first cars/bit ot money for college)

Looks like BIL spent most of his - none of our business it's his to use as he wants.

BIL is looking like he'll imminently lose his job. And called up DH asking of he has any of mum's inheritance left as he's in a bit of a spot a figure of £25k seems to have been banded about. Annoyingly DH said yes, we've got quite a bit in savings, so BIL knows we could if we wanted to

DH has previously "loaned" BIL money for it to never be returned fully.

Our family and BIL's family have similar incomes. So it's not like DH has got lucky while BIL has been dealt a bad hand in life.
BIL has a lot bigger house, 2 nice cars lots of personal finance

I can tell DH is protective of his brother and wants to help but I really want to just say no. We've made plans around this money, made sacrifices to be in the financial position we are now and I don't see why we should squander those plans to bail out someone who has failed to take responsibility for themselves.

Problem is, I can see this creating a huge rift.

WIBU to speak to BIL and say no?

OP’s posts: |
YeahWhatevver Fri 03-Jul-20 13:33:13

Just to clarify before the "it's not your money it's DH's money" comments come.

DH and I have had completely shared finances for 20 years. There is no his money and my money, it's the family's money regardless of its source.

OP’s posts: |
Dozer Fri 03-Jul-20 13:33:58

Your DH was VU to say yes to BiL.

YANBU at all to not want to do this!

Would assume that any money ‘lent’ to BiL, even with a formal, written agreement, will never be repaid.

Any ‘rift’ would be down to BiL’s response, and he’d be U to get pissy! He had his share.

LillianBland Fri 03-Jul-20 13:38:22

You’re bio will not leave it at 25, he will be back for more and your husband is a silly prat for giving it to him. I’d be furious if my husband had made a decision like that, behind my back. Why does he need that amount?

whereistherum Fri 03-Jul-20 13:38:32

I would say no, for that amount of money. I would be asking DH if you can afford to lose that amount of money, you already know BIL is not trustworthy.

However if he really wants to do it, I would be setting up a formal agreement, getting it in writing with how much he is going to pay back a month starting from x date.

legal knowledge from judge rinder

LillianBland Fri 03-Jul-20 13:38:58


mbosnz Fri 03-Jul-20 13:39:25

£25K is ridiculous. And completely unacceptable with shared finances for one person to unilaterally make such a decision.

I'd be saying, 'sorry, no DH and BIL, that's not happening. We've helped you out in times past, and you've not completely repaid in those times, and we simply can't be expected to write off £25k.'

Alternatively, I'd be making very sure everything was recorded in writing, including a detailed repayment plan, with it being very clear that if repayment was defaulted, legal proceedings would be commenced.

CuriousaboutSamphire Fri 03-Jul-20 13:40:01

Do you have kids?

Ask your DH why his brother is more entitled to dip into his finances than his kids are?

Ask him why you, not him, YOU, made those financial sacrifices fro your future just have the cash given away to his DB.

My DH has a stock response for his DB/DS when they ask for cash

"Yes! OK! Of course I will give you those hours I worked on the side of a motorway at 4am, in January."

StudyBuddy Fri 03-Jul-20 13:40:21

If it's joint money then DH is unreasonable for giving it out without your consent and you're unreasonable for saying no without agreement from DH. You both need to agree - you don't get to unilaterally decide and nor does he.

Gobbycop Fri 03-Jul-20 13:40:23

You're not being unreasonable, you're a team.

Yes the money has been given to your husband but any stupid decision could impact you and the kids.

The bil is a big boy, not your husband or your problem if he's spunked his 90k

mbosnz Fri 03-Jul-20 13:40:32

And if a rift with BIL is bad, a rift with one's wife is worse.

Dozer Fri 03-Jul-20 13:40:35

YOU shouldn’t speak to his brother, DH should.

wineandroses1 Fri 03-Jul-20 13:41:53

If all money is shared money then your DH had no right to agree to give it to his brother. And from what you've said it will definitely be "give" not "loan". Speak to DH again and say you do not agree with giving BIL the money and if he wants to go ahead then you would be looking to separate your finances. 25k is a massive amount of money to hand over to someone who has already shown you how difficult it will be to get any/some of it back.

gutentag1 Fri 03-Jul-20 13:43:05

No, I would definitely not allow this. He sounds like a CF.

Tattoocrazymum Fri 03-Jul-20 13:43:52

Im with you on this, shocking your DH has agreed to lend him that sum of money

LemonBreeland Fri 03-Jul-20 13:44:32

Does your DH realise he would be handing that money over and never seeing it again? Ask him if BIL deserves that money more than you and your DC? That is really what is happening here. He is putting his brother before his family at home.

TeaAndHobnob Fri 03-Jul-20 13:45:01

25k! What on earth for?

That's money that should be for your children, not your feckless BIL. You'll never see it again. And then you will feel really resentful and the resentment will affect your relationship anyway, so you may as well say no and still have the 25k.

A few grand I might consider, if you could afford it easily and wouldn't need it paid back. But a sum of that sort no way. That's a house deposit or university for one of your children. That is serious debt and anyone with that kind of debt is not going to change their ways. You hand that money over and he will be back for more.

user1487194234 Fri 03-Jul-20 13:45:25

IMO you would be very unreasonable to contact your BIL direct

Shortfeet Fri 03-Jul-20 13:45:47

I think your dh is in the wrong for agreeing to bail out bil.

However , I do think it changes things that a large sum of money came from their mother , (and I hear what you say about family money. ) So I can see why he would .

JontyDoggle37 Fri 03-Jul-20 13:46:46

Nope. Nope. And nope. He made his bed, time to learn about consequences. You’ll never get that back.

Shortfeet Fri 03-Jul-20 13:46:50

From @CuriousaboutSamphire

My DH has a stock response for his DB/DS when they ask for cash

"Yes! OK! Of course I will give you those hours I worked on the side of a motorway at 4am, in January."


altiara Fri 03-Jul-20 13:46:57

How much money did he borrow before?
YANBU, there’s no way I’d prioritise BIL in these circumstances.

Eddielzzard Fri 03-Jul-20 13:47:06

You need to discuss this between you and decide. Your DH was totally out of order to decide this massive sum without you. How did this discussion go? 'Err, YeahWhatevver, I've decided to give BIL 25K. How was your day?'

I think a lot depends on your relationship with each other and how he felt he could be so high handed, and how you'll be able to repair the damage: either to your relationships should you give BIL the money, and your relationships should you not.

Iwalkinmyclothing Fri 03-Jul-20 13:48:10

I would be so annoyed. We also have entirely shared finances, but even if we did not, I would be asking why my DH felt he should prioritise his brother over his children.

LatteLover12 Fri 03-Jul-20 13:48:26

Absolutely no way would I lend him a penny!

You'll never see that money again OP and that would certainly cause a rift wouldn't it? The resentment would be all consuming if it was me.

£25k is a lot of money, there's no way I could just give it away to someone who's already burned through £90k 🤯

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