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Original poster

Friend wants me to loan her my inheritance - WWYD?

495 replies

TeaForTara · 07/08/2020 16:27

Just typed this out and it's long - sorry. In a nutshell, I am due to inherit some money, friend has asked me to give her a loan, I am reluctant. Am I just being mean and, if not, how do I say no nicely?

My friend has been through a tough time (divorce etc) but has always been terrible with money. She is hugely in debt - partly because of having to buy XH out of the house but also because of poor priorities like holidays, expensive gifts for DC, out most nights of the week (before lockdown and started again since it ended.) Has had about 4 cars since I got mine.

I am going to receive an inheritance shortly. Not boasting, but I don't need the money right now - I will be investing it for my retirement fund. She thinks I'm very lucky and in a way I am, but In the past I have scrimped and saved to get to this position - I spent years with no holidays, limited socialising, driving old bangers, second hand furniture, charity shop clothes etc.

She is asking if I can lend her some of my inheritance to help her out. I am reluctant. I'm sure I wouldn't get it back as there would always be another crisis. That's not really the issue, though - i would be glad to help her out if I felt that she was doing everything possible to live within her means, but it will stick in my craw if I lend her money and she uses it to take the DC on holiday or similar. Am I just being mean?

How do I say no tactfully? I have offered to help her go through her finances and work out a budget but she declined (fair enough, I wouldn't want people poking through my finances, but then I'm not asking them for a loan.) She's been to Step Change or one of the other help places in the past and had a CVA. Not sure if that's ongoing. I've tried to talk about living within your means but it's just water off a duck's back.

OP posts:
Trenisenne · 08/08/2020 21:28

I'd just pass her an envelope with 50 quid in and say - here's the loan you asked for.

Celestine70 · 08/08/2020 22:23

Say no, you know she will waste it. You won't get it back. I would only consider it if I could afford to gift it AND it was used to directly pay debts.

Suleika · 08/08/2020 22:25

Definitely don't lend to her - I made this mistake once myself and ending up losing the friendship because I felt exploited and resented it. If you need to give a reason - which you don't - make it something non negotiable: an unexpected tax bill/pension fund has plummeted/several people have asked so I'm choosing to say no to all of them...End of.

keffie12 · 08/08/2020 22:34

Just say no! You may lose what you consider to be a friend. She isn't a friend. A friend would never put you in this position.

You will lose her friendship when she doesn't pay it back and you will have lost part of your inheritance

You are not responsible for her poor life choices. Dont enable her. Your not doing her any favours.

She needs to grow up and take responsibility. No real friend would put you in this position

murakamilove · 08/08/2020 22:36

NO

Blueink · 08/08/2020 22:53

Either give her some money as a gift or say no. From your post it seems you want to say no. It doesn’t seem like a true friendship on either side so nothing to lose.

Juliehooligan · 08/08/2020 23:24

Definitely say no, which ever way you do this, you will lose a friend anyway, it’s sad to see, but it sounds like you are a cash cow to her as she has already asked for a loan before the money has even come to you.

Justrestingmyeyes1 · 08/08/2020 23:27

No is a full sentence

Zoejj77 · 08/08/2020 23:32

Based on what you’ve said I wouldn’t loan her anything. If I felt like giving her some money I would do that, knowing it was a gift never to be returned.

longtompot · 08/08/2020 23:49

Re your last post. I think that's a good idea, and one I was going to suggest. If her boiler or car etc does blow up, then I'd help her with that, but not give her x amount of your inheritance.
I bet she does regret bringing it up. She may have said it in a jokey way. It's hard to know whether giving someone who is bad with money or has had a bad time due to someone else (in this case her ex) will actually help them, or just prolong the inevitable.

Jeeperscreepers69 · 09/08/2020 07:06

Words of wisdom from my mother... Friends and money lending dont go together.
Tell her you have promised to gift it to elderly parents maybe or such like?

Happygirl79 · 09/08/2020 07:58

Just say no.
You don't have to explain anything to her

Fudgemonkeys · 09/08/2020 10:24

Say no unless you are happy to loan it. If you do, set up a formal loan agreement, signed and witnessed. Would you be able to get the funds back if she defaulted, her house for example. The old saying never a borrower or lender be.

Boysgrownbutstillathome · 09/08/2020 12:19

Tactfully decline and refer her to Christians Against Poverty
capuk.org/

MzHz · 09/08/2020 12:34

You’re a kind soul @TeaForTara, we can see how hard this decision has been formulou, but you’re right.

Even if sleep were to write her a cheque to wipe all her debts and give her a couple of grand safety net, unless she RADICALLY changed her mindset, she’d be back in exactly the same pile of shit she’s currently in soon enough

Her issue is that she’s got a gaping hole where her self worth is and she’s filling it with stuff to make herself feel good about it. She needs to make decisions like NOT changing a car for at least 4 years, not automatically upgrading her phone, stop competing for attention with her ex and letting the kids take the piss, by showing others how she needs to be respected because she’s actually a kind hearted and generous person. She can’t afford it o be this generous

You can’t help her and giving her money for any reason won’t help her. I seriously hope she won’t have the balls to chase you up on this, and if I were you I wouldn’t come up with elaborate excuses, I’d say no, that’s not possible and leave it at that.

MzHz · 09/08/2020 12:35

The more you talk in saying no to someone, the more they’re going to know that you’re making an excuse. So keep anything brief and use as few words as possible

Carolbetty · 09/08/2020 14:36

Nope. Don't do it unless you're prepared to lose the money.
You won't get it back.

daisychain01 · 09/08/2020 15:59

Why did you need to tell her? It would have saved you a huge amount of angst and souls searching if you had kept to yourself the knowledge that you had come into an inheritance. It isn't a talking matter, and I can't see what you stood to gain from telling someone you already know has a poor track record in finances..

I recently inherited and I am not telling anyone. Similar to winning the lottery, it massively changes people's attitude to you. The circumstances under which the money has come to me, are personal and only my DM and DH know, no other reason that I can't stand the thought that it raises unrealistic expectations, the minute people know, they'll be thinking (even if not saying) "I wonder how much it is, who will get some of the money" etc etc. There seems to be some God given rule that says the inheritor is immediately going to start dishing out money that is invariably a person's life work.

Petlover9 · 09/08/2020 16:25

@ClamDango. I would have said exactly what you did. I hope OP listens.. No excuses, just justified white lies

user1490954378 · 09/08/2020 17:12

No freaking way.

user1494050295 · 09/08/2020 17:16

You can only give £3k before eyebrows are raised by hmrc

chatterbugmegastar · 09/08/2020 17:19

The fact that you are concerned about her reaction to a no , means she's not a friend. She's a leech - say no and walk away

DreamTheMoors · 10/08/2020 08:23

......and, you’ve answered your own question, haven’t you?
Unless you want to gift it to her

bemusedmoose · 10/08/2020 08:35

no no and NO!! I'm sorry she has had a rough trot but absolutely not!

I've been at rock bottom - food bank visits thanks to the ex, but never asked for money from anyone! I've never been a big spender and always saved and he wiped out the lot and left me and the kids with no money and all his debts including a bunch of heavies banging on the door trying to find him. My mess - up to me to sort out. I certainly wouldnt ask a friend to bail me out.

You know what will happen - you will lend her the money, she'll blow it on something like a holiday or new clothes and then never pay you back claiming she cant afford to.

If you do decide to lend it to her - get a written contract as to repayments for when it all goes belly up - because it will.

You have been responsible all your life and you deserve to have that money for your future.

GuidoTheKillerPimp · 10/08/2020 09:40

A thousand times no. A friend of thirty years standing owes me three thousand pounds, loaned for various reasons when she was struggling. She then cut contact when I split from my ex: literally NC with no explanation. I’ve written it off now. Lent another friend some money when she split from her husband. She now denies knowing anything about it. There’s every chance you won’t get it back, and it will sour your friendship.

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