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Original poster

Friend wants me to loan her my inheritance - WWYD?

495 replies

TeaForTara · 07/08/2020 16:27

Just typed this out and it's long - sorry. In a nutshell, I am due to inherit some money, friend has asked me to give her a loan, I am reluctant. Am I just being mean and, if not, how do I say no nicely?

My friend has been through a tough time (divorce etc) but has always been terrible with money. She is hugely in debt - partly because of having to buy XH out of the house but also because of poor priorities like holidays, expensive gifts for DC, out most nights of the week (before lockdown and started again since it ended.) Has had about 4 cars since I got mine.

I am going to receive an inheritance shortly. Not boasting, but I don't need the money right now - I will be investing it for my retirement fund. She thinks I'm very lucky and in a way I am, but In the past I have scrimped and saved to get to this position - I spent years with no holidays, limited socialising, driving old bangers, second hand furniture, charity shop clothes etc.

She is asking if I can lend her some of my inheritance to help her out. I am reluctant. I'm sure I wouldn't get it back as there would always be another crisis. That's not really the issue, though - i would be glad to help her out if I felt that she was doing everything possible to live within her means, but it will stick in my craw if I lend her money and she uses it to take the DC on holiday or similar. Am I just being mean?

How do I say no tactfully? I have offered to help her go through her finances and work out a budget but she declined (fair enough, I wouldn't want people poking through my finances, but then I'm not asking them for a loan.) She's been to Step Change or one of the other help places in the past and had a CVA. Not sure if that's ongoing. I've tried to talk about living within your means but it's just water off a duck's back.

OP posts:
LookToTreblesGoingTreblesGone · 07/08/2020 16:34

DO NOT GIVE HER ANY MONEY!

You'll never get it back. Say no, and that it's earmarked for an investment and you won't be touching until you retire.

Hopingtobeamum · 07/08/2020 16:35

Just say no #zammo (for those that can remember that far back).

She's being a complete CF

forrestgreen · 07/08/2020 16:35

"I'm sorry I've got all the inheritance details and I'm forced to put it into retirement planning, I have no way to influence this"

No way would I lend to someone who was crap with money, tbh I'd struggle to want to lend it to anyone other than my children."

Original poster
TeaForTara · 07/08/2020 16:35

Oh I know I'll never get it back. It's more that I'd be happy to gift her some money if I thought she'd use it responsibly.

I just feel mean because she's struggling and I'm comfortable, and the marriage breakdown wasn't her fault.

She has quite a well-paid job, BTW.

OP posts:
MissMarplesHandbag · 07/08/2020 16:35

No, from what you’ve said you’d be mad to do this.
Just say you’re not in a position to do it. If she pushes you, say you’re not prepared to reveal more, but the fact remains you can’t lend her the money. And be firm.

ThousandsAreSailing · 07/08/2020 16:36

No way. You'll end up feeling resentful and fall out
Say sorry but it's all planned for

mamapearl · 07/08/2020 16:36

Say its tied in investments.

I wouldn't be friends with someone like that. I bet she drops you after you tell her no.

milveycrohn · 07/08/2020 16:36

I would say 'No'.
In fact, never lend anyone any money that you cannot afford to lose (if its not paid back)
You can always say it was less than thought, etc.
But there's no need to give an excuse. Just say No

HopeClearwater · 07/08/2020 16:36

It's a tough one

Mmm no it really isn’t.

Laugh and say oh dear me no, that’s for my retirement. Or just ‘no’ and move on.

Your friend is awful for even asking.

powkin · 07/08/2020 16:36

Yeah I don’t think there’s anything to say other than ‘no’. Any embellishment or reason will just hurt your friendship as you’ll essentially be saying she’s shit with money and she won’t give it back, which will offend her whilst being 100% true. You don’t need to give a reason, it’s your money, you DO need it - for your retirement - and as coronavirus has shown even people who feel their life is secure can have it turned around in an instant.
I’d offer to help her with her finances again but a firm no to offering money if you are uncomfortable. I always remember going to a bhuddism class and then talking about how if you give someone something it shouldn’t be with conditions, so I feel like unless you are 100% happy with whatever you give being a gift and to be used in any way they seem fit then you probably shouldn’t do it, it just leads to resentment.

Evilwasps · 07/08/2020 16:36

Just say no, it's for your retirement. You will not see the money again no matter what promises she makes. If you lose the friendship that's on her.

In future keep such things to yourself, there's nothing like money to show you who the users among your 'friends' are

TheClitterati · 07/08/2020 16:36

Say no with as much tact as she took to ask.

For goodness sake just say NO!!!! You will never see any money you give her again

forrestgreen · 07/08/2020 16:37

She has a well paid job and lots of holidays etc, she'll soon be able to afford whatever it is she needs to pay off. You're not her bank. If you can't afford it you can't have it.

VictoriaBun · 07/08/2020 16:37

" No I will be putting the money into short and medium term investments "

FinnyStory · 07/08/2020 16:37

Not a chance in hell I'd lend it. If you really want to help and are in a position to comfortably give it, I might do that but TBH to this friend, I probably wouldn't.

Crankley · 07/08/2020 16:37

There is no other answer than NO - no matter how you soften it, that's the bottom line.

If you need an excuse, tell her you have put it into bonds or something which ties it up for x no of months/years and you are unable to withdraw during that time.

If she knows she is going to have problems paying it back, she a CF for asking you and not much of a friend.

Better to lose a CF friend than all your money.

Original poster
TeaForTara · 07/08/2020 16:37

@Lockdownseperation

Say no, you already have plan for it. Does she know how much you are going to inherit?
She doesn't know how much but she knows it's sizeable.
OP posts:
LookToTreblesGoingTreblesGone · 07/08/2020 16:37

Don't feel mean. If she's in a well paid job then she can use that pay more wisely!

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/08/2020 16:37

No don’t lend her any money. She doesn’t sound responsible enough to repay you. The excuses of being forced to tie the cash up sound good..

Nquartz · 07/08/2020 16:38

@damnthatanxiety

OP, just say no. Just say that you have plans for the money yourself and so it is not available to be lent out to people. If she asks you what your plans are just look at her askance and say 'none of your fucking business' sort of in a jokey but not jokey way that makes it impossible for her to push for info.
This is great advice.

Please don't give her any money. It would be like giving an alcoholic a bottle of vodka, you'd be enabling her

Original poster
TeaForTara · 07/08/2020 16:38

@ClamDango

Whoever died had worked hard to earn the money you are due to inherit, they didnt do that so you could bail out your irresponsible friend. Just say no sorry, it's been delayed and you're not sure how long it will take so she needs to look at other alternatives.,
That's true, my relative wouldn't want me to use it that way.

I'd happily not have a penny of it to have my relative alive again, but sadly life ain't like that.

OP posts:
cantstopsinginglittlebabybum · 07/08/2020 16:39

Say the money is being used for something and leave it at that if you don't want to gift her it.

labyrinthloafer · 07/08/2020 16:39

Oh goodness no,just say I'm sorry I can't do that.

I can not believe they have asked. They really are a piss taker!

milienhaus · 07/08/2020 16:39

She’s not a good friend to put you in this position, say no.

AnneElliott · 07/08/2020 16:39

I agree with everyone else - do not lend her the money. Don't mention it to her again and if she asks you can tell her that private etc take so long and you're not sure when you'll see it.