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Original poster

Friend wants me to loan her my inheritance - WWYD?

495 replies

TeaForTara · 07/08/2020 16:27

Just typed this out and it's long - sorry. In a nutshell, I am due to inherit some money, friend has asked me to give her a loan, I am reluctant. Am I just being mean and, if not, how do I say no nicely?

My friend has been through a tough time (divorce etc) but has always been terrible with money. She is hugely in debt - partly because of having to buy XH out of the house but also because of poor priorities like holidays, expensive gifts for DC, out most nights of the week (before lockdown and started again since it ended.) Has had about 4 cars since I got mine.

I am going to receive an inheritance shortly. Not boasting, but I don't need the money right now - I will be investing it for my retirement fund. She thinks I'm very lucky and in a way I am, but In the past I have scrimped and saved to get to this position - I spent years with no holidays, limited socialising, driving old bangers, second hand furniture, charity shop clothes etc.

She is asking if I can lend her some of my inheritance to help her out. I am reluctant. I'm sure I wouldn't get it back as there would always be another crisis. That's not really the issue, though - i would be glad to help her out if I felt that she was doing everything possible to live within her means, but it will stick in my craw if I lend her money and she uses it to take the DC on holiday or similar. Am I just being mean?

How do I say no tactfully? I have offered to help her go through her finances and work out a budget but she declined (fair enough, I wouldn't want people poking through my finances, but then I'm not asking them for a loan.) She's been to Step Change or one of the other help places in the past and had a CVA. Not sure if that's ongoing. I've tried to talk about living within your means but it's just water off a duck's back.

OP posts:
TheEmpressOfUtterBastardry · 08/08/2020 18:29

Don't do it OP. Your friend should not have put you in the position of having to refuse, she is not treating you well IMO.

Trudij123 · 08/08/2020 18:33

Speaking as someone who leant their friend some money ( not nothing!) supposedly for six months and is still waiting for it over 18 months later, Id say don’t do it too.
Her circumstances changed enormously which is why I haven’t pushed harder to get it back, but at the end of the day her issues are now pushing me into trouble and that’s just not right.

Flipflopsaga · 08/08/2020 18:34

“No, I can’t do that” They may ask why. Just tell them “I never have and never will lend money to friends” If they ask why again, just say, “I said no, don’t ask again. Thank you”.

CodenameVillanelle · 08/08/2020 18:35

If it's a lot of money you'll be getting, like in the hundreds of thousands, then it would be really kind of you to give her a sum of money as a windfall, maybe £1000. Of course you have no obligation to but it would be kind. I'm sure your relative worked hard for it but I'm also sure that some of it was likely interest accrued through inflation (property?) which is unearned wealth that many of us can't ever benefit from, is chucking a drop of it in her direction would be a nice gesture.

Pipandmum · 08/08/2020 18:37

Only lend what you can lose. Say no.

2beautifulbabs · 08/08/2020 18:38

No chance I wouldn't be giving her any money OP that's cheeky I would never ask my dearest and closest friend for money it's beyond cheeky.

Please don't say yes as you will never ever see that money again and it will turn nasty.

hedgehogger1 · 08/08/2020 18:39

Say no. A real friend wouldn't put you in that position

SuckingDownDarjeeling · 08/08/2020 18:39

I’m glad your conscience feels better now and that you’ve reached a decision you’re happy with. I hope it goes well. I just wanted to add that often when I see dilemmas like this, after a while I realise that these problems are ingrained in our culture. There’s actually nothing wrong with openly saying ‘I sincerely would love to lend you money and help you out of this financial pit, but I’m worried because I’ve seen you do X and Y, that it wouldn’t really help you in the long run’. It would give you both an opportunity to talk honestly. She could realise that she’s running herself into the ground financially and finally open her eyes. She would know that you care about her and aren’t just being stingy. But because that level of honesty is taboo in this country, nobody would dare say things like that.

At the very least, I think you should consider laying all the cards on the table and talking it out with her. It’s much easier to bury your head in the sand when nobody is trying to pull you out. And also, by bringing it up instead of waiting for her to do it, she will see that you are thinking of her.

Whichever you decide though I hope it goes well Flowers

Callingallskeletons · 08/08/2020 18:40

God no don’t lend her a penny

Toomuchtrouble4me · 08/08/2020 18:42

Is she a good friend? A close friend? I’d just say “I’m not. I got table loaning
Money, I don’t want it to come between us when I want it back, but here’s a gift of x amount” if you want to gift her. If she’s not a close friend then just say, no, sorry, I’m investing it all.

tigger001 · 08/08/2020 18:52

You have to either gift it to get or say no.

Never lend what you can't afford (want) to loose.

Just say.byou are really sorry but it needs to go into your retirement fund, if she is a true friend she will stick around regardless, if not, there's your answer.

Miisty · 08/08/2020 18:55

Just say no you never know what is around the corner eg health etc .She will not change .Look after this hard earned saved cash for a later date

lowlandLucky · 08/08/2020 19:05

No no no

Freud2 · 08/08/2020 19:18

Absolutely don’t give her a penny. Not mixing business with friendship is a good rule. If you lend it to her you’ll feel, resentful and then that will spoil your relationship anyway. Please don’t feel guilty for not doing it.

Tartyflette · 08/08/2020 19:19

OP, you seem like a lovely person who wants to help a good friend who is struggling.
If it were me, and i could afford it, i would give a good friend some money as a gift, but not a huge amount, on the understanding that this was all i could afford and that neither of us would ever mention it again.
Sadly, even then it might taint the friendship.
It sounds as if she might have been in a desperate state to even mention it, particularly as it was only the once and the subject hasn't come up again.
She might also now regret that she asked, for the awkwardness it caused.

Sudoku88 · 08/08/2020 19:58

Absolutely NO. You will never see the money again. Simple as that, and I say this from experience. She is an absolute CF to even have the balls to ask.

The fact she has the cheek to ask means you should have the balls to say NO.

Do not give her a penny no matter what sob story she gives you as you will never see the money again.

Devdor · 08/08/2020 20:06

I lent a friend £1k - not a huge sum of money but this is back in the 80’s so would be worth considerably more now - never seen it or her since so if you do be prepared.

Iziz · 08/08/2020 20:08

You should have kept this private from her friends don’t need to know these things , and she really shouldn’t ask you it’s a big ask I would say no coz that money will be gone ,if she is a good friend she will stick around if not it’s better for you not to have a crabby friend .

Rhubardandcustard · 08/08/2020 20:16

You just say no - don’t worry about tact. If you give her this money you will have a very hard time getting it back. You’ve said it’s for your retirement - are you really willing to give it away? You don’t have to give her any reasons why just say no and say it’s allocated already, end of discussion.

Sudoku88 · 08/08/2020 20:18

Just read some more of your posts: You have absolutely nothing to feel mean about. You are now comfortable due to the sacrifices you’ve made over the years. She has clearly enjoyed life and chosen to spend her money.

She has a well paid job so there is no excuse to be in financial strait, even if she has got divorced. She clearly has not wished to manage her money well (frequent car changers, holidays etc).

I have always told my children that if they get in debt I will not bail them out financially (even though I’d be able to afford to do it) but I would give them all the support I could, eg: go through their finances with them, give financial advice etc. The reason being, if you bail people out financially, they’ll never learn their lesson and just get into further debt. Only when you have had to dig yourself out of your financial mess can you appreciate the importance of never putting yourself in that situation again.

This friend has never been financially prudent where as you have. Please do not feel guilty. Invest the inheritance in your pension.

riceuten · 08/08/2020 20:19

If you lend her the money, it will poison your friendship. If you don't lend her the money, it will poison your friendship. There's no easy way out of this. Other people have suggested, and I would reiterate that the best thing to do is to say you have plans. If you 100% knew you were guaranteed to get the money back in 3, 6 or 12 months time, you might consider it, but who's to say her financial situation will be any better. She would more likely come back for more money.

MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee · 08/08/2020 20:19

Yeh it’s a no to lending. If you want to help her out with something you’ll have to treat it as a gift mentally and assume you’re never getting it back

Sudoku88 · 08/08/2020 20:24

I also lent at very good friend 1K in the 90’s as I didn’t want to see him homeless ( at the time, I myself did not have much money but felt sorry for him and was worried he’d lose his accommodation) Never saw the money again. He himself was useless with money. We were very good friends and I did not put pressure in him to pay it back quickly, but basically I never heard from him again. He didn’t answer any of my calls and I certainly was not hounding him for the money back. I just never expected him to behave like that and since then I have made a point of never lending money.

zdjg · 08/08/2020 20:46

Personally if you're really close and it's not a big chunk of you're inheritance I'd just gift it to her!

Probably be told I'm a fool but I personally would love to be in a position to help a friend out.. definitely nicer to give than receive!

I know someone very close to me who helped a friend in a similar situation and it was paid back and saved massive heartache and embarrassment for the person needing the money.

Someone being poor with money isn't a bad trait as in they're a bad person... it can be an addiction like any other... or a way of trying to take control of a situation they can't control in any other way.

Good luck with your choice xx

Joeblack066 · 08/08/2020 21:23

Just say no. It is your money, not hers. I have always been poor (not due to extravagance, due to being a single mum of 4 with 1 feckless ex and one late feckless ex) and my best friend of 45 years has always been well off. We do not lend or borrow. Never have. I don’t begrudge her her position and she doesn’t pity me mine; friendship every bit as strong as it was when we were teens.
Me mam said “Neither a lender nor borrower be”, and she were right! 🙂