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Original poster

Friend wants me to loan her my inheritance - WWYD?

495 replies

TeaForTara · 07/08/2020 16:27

Just typed this out and it's long - sorry. In a nutshell, I am due to inherit some money, friend has asked me to give her a loan, I am reluctant. Am I just being mean and, if not, how do I say no nicely?

My friend has been through a tough time (divorce etc) but has always been terrible with money. She is hugely in debt - partly because of having to buy XH out of the house but also because of poor priorities like holidays, expensive gifts for DC, out most nights of the week (before lockdown and started again since it ended.) Has had about 4 cars since I got mine.

I am going to receive an inheritance shortly. Not boasting, but I don't need the money right now - I will be investing it for my retirement fund. She thinks I'm very lucky and in a way I am, but In the past I have scrimped and saved to get to this position - I spent years with no holidays, limited socialising, driving old bangers, second hand furniture, charity shop clothes etc.

She is asking if I can lend her some of my inheritance to help her out. I am reluctant. I'm sure I wouldn't get it back as there would always be another crisis. That's not really the issue, though - i would be glad to help her out if I felt that she was doing everything possible to live within her means, but it will stick in my craw if I lend her money and she uses it to take the DC on holiday or similar. Am I just being mean?

How do I say no tactfully? I have offered to help her go through her finances and work out a budget but she declined (fair enough, I wouldn't want people poking through my finances, but then I'm not asking them for a loan.) She's been to Step Change or one of the other help places in the past and had a CVA. Not sure if that's ongoing. I've tried to talk about living within your means but it's just water off a duck's back.

OP posts:
katy1213 · 08/08/2020 16:45

Just say NO. No explanations required.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/08/2020 16:49

I will see if I can find some other way to help her out i.e. maybe pay for something specific directly

I'd wait until there is a specific largish 'need' then I'd offer to help with the cost. She does need to learn to manage on her own two feet, her 'setbacks' (divorce, etc) not withstanding. We all need to live within our means and to scrape together some type of emergency fund, even if we can only manage to put by a small amount each month.

myfriendflicka9 · 08/08/2020 17:34

Do you have DCs? Tell her the money is being put in trust for them and you can’t really touch it.

SunshineCake · 08/08/2020 17:36

I am wondering why you told her about the money in the first place.

Jimdandy · 08/08/2020 17:43

Don’t do it!!

Nicest way to say no is:

I’m sorry, but I don’t lend or borrow money to or from anyone. I’ve been burned before and I find it makes things awkward and will lead to resentment if you can’t pay me back

Diva66 · 08/08/2020 17:44

Say no, it’s spoken for. You don’t have to tell her why. You’re not being unreasonable in the slightest.

kidsflownthenest · 08/08/2020 17:45

It doesn't matter how much you love your friend, your friendship will never be the same again if you lend her the money.Bad enough if she defaults but also consider how you'll feel if you see her being frivolous; it'd be hard not to judge. The fact you're asking for advice says it all...and also a great deal about what a nice person you are. Better to say no and move on.

Weejyb · 08/08/2020 17:46

Don't do it. I 'loaned' a friend a couple of grand and never saw it - or her - again.
I knew she was horrendously bad with money but she was having yet another life crisis, and I felt sorry for her.
I'm (largely) over it now but I felt incredibly stupid for a long time after. In mitigation I was recovering from major surgery at the time so was vulnerable. I've chalked it up to experience.

Ifeelsuchafool · 08/08/2020 17:48

No. Tell her it's mostly accounted for, pension etc. with just a little for a bit of a treat. Then soften the blow by gifting her 1 or 2 % of what she originally asked to "borrow", resignung yourself to the fact that she'll splurge it on something you regard as frivolous becase she's your friend and you feel sorry for her.

IrishNinja · 08/08/2020 18:00

As someone who is shit with money don't do it. She'll have good intentions but will probably fuck it up if she's anything like me. And she sounds like she is.

Starlightstarbright1 · 08/08/2020 18:04

@Ifeelsuchafool

No. Tell her it's mostly accounted for, pension etc. with just a little for a bit of a treat. Then soften the blow by gifting her 1 or 2 % of what she originally asked to "borrow", resignung yourself to the fact that she'll splurge it on something you regard as frivolous becase she's your friend and you feel sorry for her.
Why should she ?

I don’t get why you would give inheritance away .

I got a small inheritance and spent it on something memorable that can remind me of that person . Giving it away would have felt like a betrayal

ktp100 · 08/08/2020 18:07

You don't need to be tactful, you just need to say no. You're clearly not comfortable with the idea and are sure you wouldn't get it back so why would you be that stupid?!

Tell her the lot has gone into savings and that's that.

She doesn't want you knowing about her financial situation and she has absolutely no right to know about yours.

Just. Say. NO!

Standrewsschool · 08/08/2020 18:09

I agree, don’t give her any. I wouldn’t even pay for any one-offs as then she will treat you like a cash cow, £10 here, £50 there.

DagenhamRoundhouse · 08/08/2020 18:13

No no no no no no no !!!!

Taxanimal · 08/08/2020 18:13

You should only loan her if you’re prepared to never see the money again, because you won’t. I’d say no, firm but straight. You’ll probably lose her friendship either way.

CHML1976 · 08/08/2020 18:17

When I had money problems (out of my control) a friend that I had only know a few years gifted me £3k. She said she didn’t want it back. It was so kind of her. I came back into money 2 months ago and paid back everybody penny. At the end of lock down I was living off £20 pw with a young daughter but I sold my house and went into rented. I’m not sure how much you are getting but she should not have asked, when I was poor I needed food and clothes.
It sounds like you have gone above and beyond already. You won’t be helping her. But if you want to and have the money, treat her to a spa day or a weekend away with you or dinner or even a supermarket voucher (for food). Don’t just give her the money.

LightgreenBanana · 08/08/2020 18:17

mumsnet:

Just say NO!

Winederlust · 08/08/2020 18:19

I know you've said you're not going to loan/give her any money, but as you mentioned she may be in an IVA and/or contemplating bankruptcy i felt I should just add that this should also make you wary about what she wants the money for. If she's in a IVA then any lump sum you give her should by rights be paid into the IVA as a windfall. If that's why she wants the cash (to pay off the CVA agreement early for instance) then she should be clear about this (fwiw I would personally MAYBE consider helping a friend out in this situation). Likewise if she's considering bankruptcy then what she does with the money may well come back to bite her if she does subsequently end up bankrupt (eg spends it on frivolous crap rather than trying to sort out debts).
I guess what I'm saying is before you even consider lending money to anyone you need to be absolutely clear why they need it, how they're going to use it and be confident that they will actually use it for the intended reason.
In your circumstance I think you are 100% right to neither loan nor give her any money.

Patsypie · 08/08/2020 18:21

No! She's shit with money and has a decent job. Don't do it, you'll be treated like a personal cash machine.

Winederlust · 08/08/2020 18:21

*IVA not CVA Blush

TrixieMixie · 08/08/2020 18:23

Don’t lend her any money. Tell her it’s tied up in probate and trust etc.

MyWitzEnd · 08/08/2020 18:23

Laugh and make a joke of it - saying yeah right oh!

SomethingOnce · 08/08/2020 18:24

Haven’t read the thread, but why does this CF even know about the inheritance?!

It wouldn’t have been a good idea to enable her continuing problems with money, so good on you if you’ve decided against it.

omg35 · 08/08/2020 18:24

Never lend an amount that you can't afford to lose. You might not need it now but you likely will at retirement. I'd be embarrassed to even ask a friend this tbh

FelicisNox · 08/08/2020 18:28

Simply say:

I've given your request a lot of thought but unfortunately I will not be lending you money. I don't borrow or lend money when it comes to friends, it never ends well and I'm not prepared to risk our friendship as I value it too much."

If she is adamant that won't happen you just repeat firmly "I'm sorry but I won't be changing my mind, that money will be invested for my retirement as I've really had very little in the way of luxuries up until this point and I don't want to struggle going forward".

It's a shame she's had a hard time but her lifestyle choices are not your concern and if she continues to push you need to tell her that and be honest and say that due to her choices you do not believe you will see the money again and give examples of her poor money management.

You may lose her as a friend but if so you're losing nothing. This is the real world, not Sex and the City. You are not Charlotte and she is not Carrie.

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