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Original poster

Friend wants me to loan her my inheritance - WWYD?

495 replies

TeaForTara · 07/08/2020 16:27

Just typed this out and it's long - sorry. In a nutshell, I am due to inherit some money, friend has asked me to give her a loan, I am reluctant. Am I just being mean and, if not, how do I say no nicely?

My friend has been through a tough time (divorce etc) but has always been terrible with money. She is hugely in debt - partly because of having to buy XH out of the house but also because of poor priorities like holidays, expensive gifts for DC, out most nights of the week (before lockdown and started again since it ended.) Has had about 4 cars since I got mine.

I am going to receive an inheritance shortly. Not boasting, but I don't need the money right now - I will be investing it for my retirement fund. She thinks I'm very lucky and in a way I am, but In the past I have scrimped and saved to get to this position - I spent years with no holidays, limited socialising, driving old bangers, second hand furniture, charity shop clothes etc.

She is asking if I can lend her some of my inheritance to help her out. I am reluctant. I'm sure I wouldn't get it back as there would always be another crisis. That's not really the issue, though - i would be glad to help her out if I felt that she was doing everything possible to live within her means, but it will stick in my craw if I lend her money and she uses it to take the DC on holiday or similar. Am I just being mean?

How do I say no tactfully? I have offered to help her go through her finances and work out a budget but she declined (fair enough, I wouldn't want people poking through my finances, but then I'm not asking them for a loan.) She's been to Step Change or one of the other help places in the past and had a CVA. Not sure if that's ongoing. I've tried to talk about living within your means but it's just water off a duck's back.

OP posts:
LoeliaPonsonby · 07/08/2020 16:29

There is no tactful way to say no, but you need to say no and stick to it. You may lose the friendship.

If you do it, treat it as a gift. You’ll never see the money again.

Bedroomdilemma · 07/08/2020 16:29

That’s unbelievably cheeky of her, what does she say she wants it for? No way give her a loan!

KarenKarendson · 07/08/2020 16:30

Just say no. It's already accounted for. Bit bloomin' cheeky of her to ask.

Bedroomdilemma · 07/08/2020 16:30

Yes, she won’t give it back, and she’ll really resent you asking - I have experience of these types of people.

Holothane · 07/08/2020 16:31

Keep your money you won’t see it again if she won’t change her ways then why should you bail her out.

HerRoyalNotness · 07/08/2020 16:31

“No I’m not doing that”

helterskelter3 · 07/08/2020 16:31

Maybe say that it’s all being tied up in a bond and you can’t get access?

damnthatanxiety · 07/08/2020 16:32

OP, just say no. Just say that you have plans for the money yourself and so it is not available to be lent out to people. If she asks you what your plans are just look at her askance and say 'none of your fucking business' sort of in a jokey but not jokey way that makes it impossible for her to push for info.

crimsonlake · 07/08/2020 16:32

Please do not give her any money, it will not be a loan as you will never get it back. Be strong and simply say no.

JellyBellies · 07/08/2020 16:32

She is terrible with money. You will never get it back if you loan it.

Lockdownseperation · 07/08/2020 16:32

Say no, you already have plan for it. Does she know how much you are going to inherit?

Littlegoth · 07/08/2020 16:32

Another one for no way

Queenoftheashes · 07/08/2020 16:32

Ugh can you say the inheritance is in the form of shares or something that you can pretend you can’t access?

MaybeDoctor · 07/08/2020 16:32

Read any thread on pensions, then decide what to do!

JosephineDeBeauharnais · 07/08/2020 16:33

How much does she want and what proportion of your inheritance is it? If you want to gift her some money then do that, but don’t pretend it’s a loan because you both know you’re not getting it back. I’d say no, you have it earmarked for a long term investment.

LIZS · 07/08/2020 16:33

Unless you can afford to gift it say no. You will not be friends for long otherwise.

ClamDango · 07/08/2020 16:33

Whoever died had worked hard to earn the money you are due to inherit, they didnt do that so you could bail out your irresponsible friend. Just say no sorry, it's been delayed and you're not sure how long it will take so she needs to look at other alternatives.,

isthismylifenow · 07/08/2020 16:33

But it won't be a loan. As you seem pretty sure she won't pay it back.

It's a tough one OP. I don't think you should feel guilted into giving some to her.

Does she say what exactly she needs the loan for?

SephrinaX · 07/08/2020 16:33

Definitely don't lend it to her, say you're using it to buy a car or something and don't tell her how much you're getting either.

Abraid2 · 07/08/2020 16:33

Tell her your financial adviser has told your pension fund won’t support you in retirement and you need to put the money in there to invest for your future security.

Summerdayss21 · 07/08/2020 16:33

Absolutely not, you’ll never get it back and you will lose that friendship anyway. If she won’t be friends with you because you won’t lend her money then she’s not a true friend.

Better to lose a friend now than lose a friend plus your inheritance later.

Just say you have it earmarked for your pension end of. You shouldn’t have to explain what you’re doing with your own money.

Chungus · 07/08/2020 16:34

I'd just say politely that it's your retirement fund, you've only just got it and you wouldn't feel comfortable giving it out when it's your future security at stake.

If she presses you just tell her you're suprised she asked because it's really quite a socially innapropriate thing to do.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 07/08/2020 16:34

Just say it's not possible because you don't have any pension provision for your old age and it needs to go towards that.

DOINGOURBIT · 07/08/2020 16:34

Any discussion on how she intends to pay it back? No, just, no - it's cheeky to ask and a good friend wouldn't.

You deserve it in full. You haven't had as much as she has over the years, cutting cloth according to one's pattern is how it's described. Do you think whoever your inheritance has come from would want you to act as Ms Bountiful. I don't, they'd surely want you to benefit from it as much as you can. This would be a loan it's unlikely you'll see the return from.
Just avoid and say so - you've not had much thus far, you need to invest this properly

AliceinBunnyland · 07/08/2020 16:34

I'm wondering what you've said to her about your inheritance. Have you said what you have said to us "I don't need the money"? I'm also wondering how much she wants as compared to your inheritance but it only matters whether it's more than you want to give.

If you give it you will probably not get it back and you most likely will witness her being reckless with money. It was annoy you. Will your friendship survive that? If the answer is that it would annoy then I say you need to say no.

The reason I wonder what you told her is that you could say you have invested it or have decided to do a certain thing but that is difficult if you've told her something else. It would have been better that she did t know but she's cheeky to ask.