Friend wants me to loan her my inheritance - WWYD?

[TeaForTara]

Just typed this out and it's long - sorry. In a nutshell, I am due to inherit some money, friend has asked me to give her a loan, I am reluctant. Am I just being mean and, if not, how do I say no nicely?

My friend has been through a tough time (divorce etc) but has always been terrible with money. She is hugely in debt - partly because of having to buy XH out of the house but also because of poor priorities like holidays, expensive gifts for DC, out most nights of the week (before lockdown and started again since it ended.) Has had about 4 cars since I got mine.

I am going to receive an inheritance shortly. Not boasting, but I don't need the money right now - I will be investing it for my retirement fund. She thinks I'm very lucky and in a way I am, but In the past I have scrimped and saved to get to this position - I spent years with no holidays, limited socialising, driving old bangers, second hand furniture, charity shop clothes etc.

She is asking if I can lend her some of my inheritance to help her out. I am reluctant. I'm sure I wouldn't get it back as there would always be another crisis. That's not really the issue, though - i would be glad to help her out if I felt that she was doing everything possible to live within her means, but it will stick in my craw if I lend her money and she uses it to take the DC on holiday or similar. Am I just being mean?

How do I say no tactfully? I have offered to help her go through her finances and work out a budget but she declined (fair enough, I wouldn't want people poking through my finances, but then I'm not asking them for a loan.) She's been to Step Change or one of the other help places in the past and had a CVA. Not sure if that's ongoing. I've tried to talk about living within your means but it's just water off a duck's back.

CF of the highest order here! Just say No outright to her .If she asks why then just explain Nanny/DGP /whoever left you the cash wants it to benefit you! If she doesnt like it tough !

Just don’t do it. It’s going to be painful for you to say no.... but you must!

Friends and money never mix. Never.

You just have to say no.

I’m not going to go that. Very to happy to support you in your endeavours but I’m not lending you money.

Try your very best not to get drawn into a conversation about the why or about how you might not need the ££. It’s none of her business.

She has a fucking cheek to ask you for money. You're an utter fool to have even mentioned it. Don't give her a penny, she will waste it, a charity would make better use of it. Some friend. How dare she?!

PLEASE tell me you've told her NO. Fuck 'tact', she has zero and no respect for you, either.

'No, the money's tied up, I have none to spare.' The END. Text or message that, you don't have to do it face-to-face.

She has a very good job hmm? Don't suppose it involves convincing people to part with their money?

You know what to do, it's just hard doing it. Can you refer to a higher power (ie partner says no).

Just tell her you ready have plans for it and are sorry you cant help her. If you lend her it you will never see it again and loose a friend.

I would consider cutting her off for even asking something so utterly outrageous.

You would be barmy to lend or give her any money. She is not going to improve her attitude to unnecessary spending. You’d just be enabling her to carry on living way outside her means.

I’d tell her the inheritance has all gone straight into a pension fund that you can’t access. Tell her your pension arrangements were totally inadequate and you need to ensure you could manage financially for retirement.

This sounds harsh, but take it from someone who’s been there. We inherited 15k and were immediately asked to loan the whole lot to someone. We overpaid the mortgage straight away so we never had it sloshing around our bank account and couldn’t loan it. A friend’s mum was also asked to loan her inheritance as soon as she received it. It was 40k (this was 30 years ago) and friend’s mum never saw a fucking penny ever again and a massive rift was created.

Do not do it. And do not give a token like £500. It will go straight down the drain and more will be asked for. And she won’t even be grateful as £500 is not a lot compared to the balance.

This is why you don't talk about your money with anyone

I wish more people knew that getting asked for inheritance money is actually a ‘thing’.

absolutely no....

Whoever left you the money didn't leave it to her..

Just say sorry no and move on..

if she asks what and you want to reply you plan to invest it. You may well need it..

Absolutely not.

If she wants money she can go to a bank. And I say this as someone who has lent substantial sums to family members but I have always got it back when they said I would because they are not reckless with money. Your friend is terrible with money. I cannot believe she even asked you.

Just say no. You need it for your own family, you might move house, have an extension and so on. How much money does she want. Even If it's only a few hundred I still wouldn't because it will only cause friction if you see her wasting money. Don't do it. And good idea to say you're putting it towards a pension fund. She sounds awful, a real opportunist.

No, no, no, no, no!

You say she is terrible with money. You’ll never see it again.

There’s been too many threads on mn where people have loaned money to trusted friends and have never seen it again.

Her misfortunes are not your responsibilty.

If she asks again, say no (lie if you have to, ie. you have no access to it at present ), then emphasize that’s the end of the matter. Subject closed.

What shines through from your OP, is that she believes she has a right to your money.

She will therefore believe she is right not to repay it - and will hold you to ransom, demanding to know what you are going to do with it, before letting you know, directly or implicitly, that you are less deserving than she is, so do not merit or deserve repayment.

She has a notion of 'fairness' that casts you as lucky to be inheriting this money, while she is at least equally deserving but less lucky. She is seeking to even up this account.

Oh for goodness sake!

Absolutely shocking that she is asking you, when you are bereaved and haven't even got the money yet.

Just say "No, sorry, however much it is, and I don't even know yet, is headed straight for my pension as my relative wished. Sorry - too upsetting to discuss this further"

Obviously you can do what you wish with it after that, you are not beholden to tell her any of your business.

If it damages your friendship, nothing lost - it would certainly damage the friendship if she were to take your money, swan off on a massive holiday or buy yet another car (which she will) and not pay you back. If you say no you might lose the friendship.
If you say yes you WILL lose the friendship, and your money.

She really has no right to have asked you.

@helterskelter3

Maybe say that it’s all being tied up in a bond and you can’t get access?

I would do this, easier to say than a flat no.

"How do I say no tactfully?"
Under no circumstances should you be tactful with her!! She will take that as an invitation to whine, to wheedle, to 'negotiate'. Be blunt. Be rude. Actually rude. Tell her that there's no point in you lending her money as she'd just piss it up the wall then come back to you looking for more.

And frankly, it would not be kind to give her any money. At best you're just delaying the inevitable, at worst teaching her to sponge off others.

Curious to know how friend knows about your inheritance.

I also inherited from my Mum last year, bless her, but no one apart from immediate family who also had a share knows how much.

I would not give a loan, but if you feel inclined ask her to supply you with some bills that are critical and you will pay them for her. Say a max of 2k or whatever you are comfortable with. You will see then what the response is.

Veteran here of this pleading for money, never succumbed but offered to pay bills. Not a whisper anymore. Lesson learned the hard way.

Seems these people with skin like a rhinocerous just want cash to fritter away again. Don't do it OP, but offer a gesture if that's what you want to do.

Just say you've put it in a five or ten year fixed-term savings account and cannot access it for that period.

Just say: I'm sorry I would only loan out money I could afford to lose and I can't afford to lose any of this. I have already allocated it all for specific savings and expenditure.

It is not your job to bail her out. I know a couple of people who have loaned huge sums to 'friends'. Inevitably the 'friends' turn really nasty after not paying it back as though the person who loaned it is the bad guy. Don't fall for this. And of course, if she is a friend, she will stay a friend. If she's a user, she'll sulk and judge you every time you go on holiday or renovate your home.

Fuck no.

She's a cheeky bitch for even asking. If she was seriously struggling to feed and clothe her kids it would be different, but she sounds irresponsible and pisses money away.

There's another thread going at the moment about an OP who was lent money by a friend, the friend's asked for it back and is being called all sorts of awful names for doing this!

because of poor priorities
she will treat your money even more recklessly than she does her own money
it's big fat NO from me

Why on earth did you tell her you're inheriting a sizeable amount? That was your mistake and a stupid one at that. Keep your finances to yourself in future. Oh and tell her to piss off and make her own money instead of trying to grab yours.

@AliceinBunnyland

I'm wondering what you've said to her about your inheritance. Have you said what you have said to us "I don't need the money"? I'm also wondering how much she wants as compared to your inheritance but it only matters whether it's more than you want to give.

If you give it you will probably not get it back and you most likely will witness her being reckless with money. It was annoy you. Will your friendship survive that? If the answer is that it would annoy then I say you need to say no.

The reason I wonder what you told her is that you could say you have invested it or have decided to do a certain thing but that is difficult if you've told her something else. It would have been better that she did t know but she's cheeky to ask.

No, I haven't said "I don't need the money" to her but she knows I'm not skint. She hasn't said how much she wants, it was a much more vague "Could you help me out with a loan when you get your inheritance?"

My friend has been through a tough time ... but has always been terrible with money

Well that's a no brainer then isn't it? I agree with PPs that she was way out of line even to ask, but all you need is "no, that won't be possible"

If she's still rude enough to push and you want an excuse, tell you you've set up a meeting with a financial advisor but be vague about the date ... then after a couple of weeks say it's all been invested already