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Original poster

Friend wants me to loan her my inheritance - WWYD?

495 replies

TeaForTara · 07/08/2020 16:27

Just typed this out and it's long - sorry. In a nutshell, I am due to inherit some money, friend has asked me to give her a loan, I am reluctant. Am I just being mean and, if not, how do I say no nicely?

My friend has been through a tough time (divorce etc) but has always been terrible with money. She is hugely in debt - partly because of having to buy XH out of the house but also because of poor priorities like holidays, expensive gifts for DC, out most nights of the week (before lockdown and started again since it ended.) Has had about 4 cars since I got mine.

I am going to receive an inheritance shortly. Not boasting, but I don't need the money right now - I will be investing it for my retirement fund. She thinks I'm very lucky and in a way I am, but In the past I have scrimped and saved to get to this position - I spent years with no holidays, limited socialising, driving old bangers, second hand furniture, charity shop clothes etc.

She is asking if I can lend her some of my inheritance to help her out. I am reluctant. I'm sure I wouldn't get it back as there would always be another crisis. That's not really the issue, though - i would be glad to help her out if I felt that she was doing everything possible to live within her means, but it will stick in my craw if I lend her money and she uses it to take the DC on holiday or similar. Am I just being mean?

How do I say no tactfully? I have offered to help her go through her finances and work out a budget but she declined (fair enough, I wouldn't want people poking through my finances, but then I'm not asking them for a loan.) She's been to Step Change or one of the other help places in the past and had a CVA. Not sure if that's ongoing. I've tried to talk about living within your means but it's just water off a duck's back.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/08/2020 16:39

"Sorry, I don't lend money. I know it sounds harsh (it doesnt) but I don't want to get into a situation where the money becomes an issue between us"

Done.

AuntyPasta · 07/08/2020 16:40

“It’s going straight into investments for tax reasons.”

madcatladyforever · 07/08/2020 16:40

You don't need to be tactful with piss takers you just say no you've got that money earmarked for something else.
She would have no pangs of guilt whatsoever if she couldn't pay you back.

ChikiTIKI · 07/08/2020 16:40

How much does she want to borrow?

Just say you can't, you wouldn't feel right charging her interest but you would need to earn interest on it so it doesn't depreciate in value. And then there's the solicitors fees for writing up an loan agreement. Better she just borrows from the bank.

Iloveacurry · 07/08/2020 16:40

You’re not being mean. Just say no, you have plans for the money. She’s being cheeky to ask quite frankly. Sounds like you’ll never see the money again even if you did loan it to her.

BettyCrockaShit · 07/08/2020 16:40

My uncle did this to my mother when she received the (consierdable) lump sum through on her pension. Suddenly their family had financial issues that could only be resolved if she lent them many thousands of pounds. She did it, he stalled on repayments (she never received the full amount back, more like half) and their relationship today is non-existent.

Earned money or not, that inheritance is YOUR future. You do not owe it to her, and it sounds like she needs to learn some accountability for her own spending.

Chameleon2003 · 07/08/2020 16:41

We have lent money to friends in the past - a couple of thousand each time.

It made things awkward especially when they were spending on non essential items instead of paying us back.

I would never do it again and especially with an inheritance because I would consider what the person that had left it to me would think about it.

minimagician · 07/08/2020 16:41

Another Just Say No.

She knows you don't needs it now so has earmarked it for herself. This is extreme cheeky fucker territory.

If you want to lie tell her your financial advisor has already prepared for its allocation* and you don't actually have any free.

I would actually be willing to end a friendship over this if she pushed because it's hugely disrespectful to both you and the deceased for her to think she has any right to come anywhere near this money.

*Do you know what that actually means? Nope? Neither do I, I just made it up, but it sounds good. 😉

waltzingparrot · 07/08/2020 16:41

I have a friend who is not good with money. She once asked if she could borrow some money because she'd booked a holiday but didn't have any spending money to go with - who does that?

Never lend her money.

SummerInSun · 07/08/2020 16:41

How about "that money was left to me by X to provide security for my retirement and I am investing it for that, which is what I know X wanted me to do. I wouldn't feel comfortable doing anything else. Also, borrowing and lending money so often ruins a friendship and I would hate for that to happen to us."

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 07/08/2020 16:41

Thats a very cheeky thing to ask of someone and horrible position to put them in. You could waffle a vague excuse I guess or even a lie, but Id be distancing myself from a 'friend' who thought that was ok. Tbh a forthright 'no sorry I cant do that' would be best.

Ifionlyknewthenwhatiknownow3 · 07/08/2020 16:41

Please, do yourself a big favour and just say no. You have to think of yourself too, you need your own money. Of course you'll never see it again.
Could she possibly sell her house and buy a cheaper one?

OVienna · 07/08/2020 16:41

It sounds like you've told her quite a lot about the circumstances around it and also the amount. I hope it's less than it appears.

It also sounds like you're the sort of person that might feel guilty you can't do more for a friend; she may sense this too.

Ideally - you'd be saying, No firmly, and leaving it there. But it's annoying to have a pest around and she sounds like one.

IMO I think this is one of those situations where there is no real requirement to be 100% truthful. People who have the nerve to ask such cheeky questions tend not to be put off very easily; you need to say something that properly closes the door to any further enquiry even if it's not true.

I would tell her it's "tied up in probate" for an indefinite period. Hopefully, she'll forget about it. "Inheritance tax was more than we thought, sorry can't help."

MyOwnSummer · 07/08/2020 16:42

No no no no no no no no no no no no ......aaaaaaaand no some more!

Think that covers it. If you value the friendship, you just tell her that you need it for other things, and don't give detail. If she asks, dodge the question or say its a private family thing.

Honestly, I think you have a top grade CF on your hands here. It would never even cross my mind to ask a friend for money like this! If you're feeling bad enough to post here and ask, but still know what you know about her relationship with money, I'd bet that she has been working on manipulating you on this. Not actually much of a friend, is she?

Magicbabywaves · 07/08/2020 16:42

No. And she’s a dick to ask to be honest.

mosquitofeast · 07/08/2020 16:42

I agree with everyone else. Jut say no. If you feel the need to say more say you're putting to towards your retirement.

Rudolphian · 07/08/2020 16:42

Just say no I wouldn't even consider it.

tanstaafl · 07/08/2020 16:42

Tbh I almost stopped reading at ‘always been terrible with money’.
Saw words like Step Change then stopped.

This has to be a wind up ?. Surely no one with a ‘friend’ like that has to ask the internet for advice.

minimagician · 07/08/2020 16:43

Reposting because of the bold weirdness!

Another Just Say No.

She knows you don't needs it now so has earmarked it for herself. This is extreme cheeky fucker territory.

If you want to lie tell her your financial advisor has already prepared for its allocation and you don't actually have any free. (Do you know what that actually means? Nope? Neither do I, I just made it up, but it sounds good. 😉)

I would actually be willing to end a friendship over this if she pushed because it's hugely disrespectful to both you and the deceased for her to think she has any right to come anywhere near this money.

mosquitofeast · 07/08/2020 16:43

When you say "she is asking" what do you mean? she has texted or emailed? or she has asked verbally and you have not replied? or have your replied? how was it left?

wannabebump · 07/08/2020 16:43

Say no. She won't pay it back it back, then it'll get awkward and you'll lose money and your friend.

Her bad money sense is not your responsibility.

Unfortunately there's no nice way to say no, but it is 100% the right thing to do.

It's spoken for as you're putting aside/investing and that's all there is to it.

Be strong OP!x

Queenest · 07/08/2020 16:44

How about "that money was left to me by X to provide security for my retirement and I am investing it for that, which is what I know X wanted me to do. I wouldn't feel comfortable doing anything else. Also, borrowing and lending money so often ruins a friendship and I would hate for that to happen to us."
This^^

bodgeitandscarper · 07/08/2020 16:45

Definitely another no here, she needs to learn to.handle her own money sensibly, you gifting her money isn't helping her, but encoyraging her irresponsibility.

Friendsoftheearth · 07/08/2020 16:46

Absolutely not.
No way.

Do not do it.

BuffaloMozzerella · 07/08/2020 16:46

I would tell her it's going straight into your pension fund and that's it.

Or just say no sorry I'm not comfortable with doing that.

I can't believe people actually have their eye on someone else's inheritance!