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Original poster

Friend wants me to loan her my inheritance - WWYD?

495 replies

TeaForTara · 07/08/2020 16:27

Just typed this out and it's long - sorry. In a nutshell, I am due to inherit some money, friend has asked me to give her a loan, I am reluctant. Am I just being mean and, if not, how do I say no nicely?

My friend has been through a tough time (divorce etc) but has always been terrible with money. She is hugely in debt - partly because of having to buy XH out of the house but also because of poor priorities like holidays, expensive gifts for DC, out most nights of the week (before lockdown and started again since it ended.) Has had about 4 cars since I got mine.

I am going to receive an inheritance shortly. Not boasting, but I don't need the money right now - I will be investing it for my retirement fund. She thinks I'm very lucky and in a way I am, but In the past I have scrimped and saved to get to this position - I spent years with no holidays, limited socialising, driving old bangers, second hand furniture, charity shop clothes etc.

She is asking if I can lend her some of my inheritance to help her out. I am reluctant. I'm sure I wouldn't get it back as there would always be another crisis. That's not really the issue, though - i would be glad to help her out if I felt that she was doing everything possible to live within her means, but it will stick in my craw if I lend her money and she uses it to take the DC on holiday or similar. Am I just being mean?

How do I say no tactfully? I have offered to help her go through her finances and work out a budget but she declined (fair enough, I wouldn't want people poking through my finances, but then I'm not asking them for a loan.) She's been to Step Change or one of the other help places in the past and had a CVA. Not sure if that's ongoing. I've tried to talk about living within your means but it's just water off a duck's back.

OP posts:
TenShortStories · 07/08/2020 16:56

I wouldn't do it unless you're happy for it to be a gift. How to say no is the tricky bit. How has the conversation gone so far?

justasking111 · 07/08/2020 16:57

You will never see it again so it is a gift or you say NO.

time4anothername · 07/08/2020 16:57

say no. Tough Love.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/08/2020 16:57

It’s a shame she knows about it at all.

SockYarn · 07/08/2020 16:58

Agree with everyone else - this has disaster written all over it.

cakeandchampagne · 07/08/2020 16:58

No.

Giving/loaning her money won’t ever solve her problems with money.

DeRigueurMortis · 07/08/2020 16:58

I can't believe you're even contemplating this.

Divorce or no, she's got a good job you say yet won't live within her means.

She's a victim of her own materialism and "loaning" her more money won't help her.

Buy her a nice gift if you want but for goodness sake don't give her money.

If she asks again simply say you've already have plans for it and if she asks what they are simply say it's a private matter.

She doesn't want to you poking around in her finances (even to help her) and that's fair enough but by the same token you shouldn't have to explain/go into details with her about yours.

Redlocks28 · 07/08/2020 16:58

Why on earth are you contemplating giving someone money that you know you will never see again, who

because of poor priorities like holidays, expensive gifts for DC, out most nights of the week (before lockdown and started again since it ended.) Has had about 4 cars since I got mine.

You’d be absolutely bonkers.

Thehogfatherstolemycurry · 07/08/2020 16:59

Be like Zammo

Just say no 😂

WeAllHaveWings · 07/08/2020 16:59

You say no as tactfully as she probably asked.

She will either take, unreasonable, offence or now.

oakleaffy · 07/08/2020 17:00

OP please, please DON’T lend her any money.
A relative of ours was left an inheritance and a friend wanted to borrow a substantial amount, to put into a business on Eastern Europe.

Family member loaned it...
only got a tiny bit back... family member died, and this beast of a friend thought she was let off.

Please don’t do what our relation did.
Cheeky Frucker to even ask you!

Let her get a bank loan instead.

candycane222 · 07/08/2020 17:00

But she's not struggling because people aren't gifting her money, is she, given that she has a well paid job. She's struggling becuas she doesn't hang on to the money she has. So if you give her money, it will be wasted, and then she'll still be struggling, and you'll be annoyed at the waste.

Maybe if you want to help her family, you could quietly (don't tell her or them) set up a trust for her DCs, for them to have the money when they are 18/21/whenever - old enough so she can't guilt them into handing it over to her the way she's trying to do with you! Or even earmark it for fees for study or something.

Holyrivolli · 07/08/2020 17:00

Obvious answer is no but you seem to be struggling with that for some reason.

How much did you inherit and how much does she want to “borrow”?

lottiegarbanzo · 07/08/2020 17:00

Just say no. Money and friendship do not mix. You would lose one but most likely both.

Chickychickydodah · 07/08/2020 17:00

One word. NO !!

eggsandwich · 07/08/2020 17:01

We had something similar with some good friends of ours, they weren’t very good with money and were avid shopping channel shoppers.

One day we had a phone call asking to borrow quite a lot of money as they had got themselves into some serious debt and knew we were quite comfortable financially.

We said no as we weren’t in a position to lend them that amount of money as we were already helping a member of our family (a lie) but it ruined the relationship and the friendship faded eventually.

SeaEagleFeather · 07/08/2020 17:01

You won't be helping her by giving her the money (and it will be a gift). You won't help her. It's money that will go away in a puff of smoke leaving her wanting more.

I think giving her the money would be a mistaken decision for yourself too. You need to value your own and your family's interests first. Then help people who -genuinely- need it, not someone who could absorb a hundred thousand and not value it.

I have lent money in the past, knowing that it might not be paid back. Both times were to people in urgent need. One's paid it back, one hasn't, but because I know his situation it's not a blight on the friendship. But here, your friend is leeching off you and it doesn't do either of you any good.

TooManyDogsandChildren · 07/08/2020 17:01

This is why you never tell anyone (apart from your financial adviser) that you have come into money. None of their business and only causes problems.

DontBeShelfish · 07/08/2020 17:01

It's a no from me. The problem is that just by asking, she's probably tanked your friendship. If she knows the amount is sizeable then she sounds cheeky enough to be outraged by a refusal.

But if you lend it to her and she inevitably doesn't pay you back, then it's going to cause justifiable resentment on your part.

What a PP said really resonated with me. Your family member left that money to you hoping that it would secure your future. You'd be doing them a disservice to loan it to her.

Tell her your financial advisor has tied it up already. Or that it was a stipulation of the Will that certain things be done with it.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. Your friend is a CF.

SecretRedhead · 07/08/2020 17:01

poor priorities like holidays, expensive gifts for DC, out most nights of the week (before lockdown and started again since it ended.) Has had about 4 cars since I got mine.

No, no and no! The reason she's asking for money is because she chooses not to live within her means, which means you would not be loaning it to her because she'll never pay it back. She makes her choices, and those involve throwing money around like it grows on trees, putting herself in this position. Don't support her to continuing wasting money like this.

butterpuffed · 07/08/2020 17:02

Don't do it OP ..... the fact that she's knows it's an inheritance but has still asked would make me less inclined to think of her as a friend.

Lumene · 07/08/2020 17:02

NO, no, no. Do not lend under any circumstance.

You won’t be helping her as the root of her money woes is she needs to learn how to manage money.

You won’t get it back if you do lend it, and that’s the end of your friendship.

AgeLikeWine · 07/08/2020 17:02

I think you know that if you ‘lend’ this woman money, you will never see a single penny of it again. She isn’t asking you for a ‘loan‘, she is asking you for a gift.

Unfortunately, it is hard to see a future for this friendship. If you refuse to ‘lend’ her the money, she will be resentful. If you do ‘lend’ her the money, you will be resentful when she fails to repay you. Rock / hard place.

Snog · 07/08/2020 17:02

Tell her you are putting it into a pension so you need it yourself.

It's your money, friend does not get to tell you what to do with it!

oakleaffy · 07/08/2020 17:02

OP people tend to see inherited money as “ free money”- don’t do it.

If the friend was a “ good risk” a bank will lend her it...
I don’t think you’ll see any of it back if you go ahead.

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