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Original poster

Friend wants me to loan her my inheritance - WWYD?

495 replies

TeaForTara · 07/08/2020 16:27

Just typed this out and it's long - sorry. In a nutshell, I am due to inherit some money, friend has asked me to give her a loan, I am reluctant. Am I just being mean and, if not, how do I say no nicely?

My friend has been through a tough time (divorce etc) but has always been terrible with money. She is hugely in debt - partly because of having to buy XH out of the house but also because of poor priorities like holidays, expensive gifts for DC, out most nights of the week (before lockdown and started again since it ended.) Has had about 4 cars since I got mine.

I am going to receive an inheritance shortly. Not boasting, but I don't need the money right now - I will be investing it for my retirement fund. She thinks I'm very lucky and in a way I am, but In the past I have scrimped and saved to get to this position - I spent years with no holidays, limited socialising, driving old bangers, second hand furniture, charity shop clothes etc.

She is asking if I can lend her some of my inheritance to help her out. I am reluctant. I'm sure I wouldn't get it back as there would always be another crisis. That's not really the issue, though - i would be glad to help her out if I felt that she was doing everything possible to live within her means, but it will stick in my craw if I lend her money and she uses it to take the DC on holiday or similar. Am I just being mean?

How do I say no tactfully? I have offered to help her go through her finances and work out a budget but she declined (fair enough, I wouldn't want people poking through my finances, but then I'm not asking them for a loan.) She's been to Step Change or one of the other help places in the past and had a CVA. Not sure if that's ongoing. I've tried to talk about living within your means but it's just water off a duck's back.

OP posts:
Knotaknitter · 07/08/2020 16:46

In truth you can say "No - because I've seen too many friendships fail over money". That is as tactful as it needs to be. If you "lend" her the money it will end the friendship. She will continue to be terrible with money (your money) and you won't get it back. If you don't lend her the money it may end the friendship but then you'll still have the money.

Part of the reason for her struggling is her choices, holidays, cars, gifts. If she's spending like that now when she hasn't the money why would she change when she does have some money (your money)? She's made her choices and now she can deal with the consequences. She can live like you have done, with an older car and charity shop browsing. If she's not willing to cut back at all then why should you subsidise her lifestyle?

RemyHadley · 07/08/2020 16:46

No way. She’ll waste it. You’ll resent it. You’ll ask her to repay you and she’ll make excuses, resent you “nagging” about it, never actually repay, and your friendship won’t recover.

If you really want to help her out, offer as a loan to pay for one specific item that she needs - eg does she need a deposit to be able to rent somewhere new? Transfer that money directly to the estate agent.

I think you’ll have to be blunt with her. It’s your relative’s money. They worked hard for it and left it to you so you couod secure your future. Its not availabke to subsidise your friends.

BacklashStarts · 07/08/2020 16:47

Just tell her straight. You have put me in a really difficult position. I have plans for the money and relative left it for me, not for me to lend to you especially when we both know you can’t pay it back.

SonEtLumiere · 07/08/2020 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PickAChew · 07/08/2020 16:48

No. Just plain no.

rayoflightboy · 07/08/2020 16:48

Say no and never talk about money with her again.

She wont let you look through her accounts to help her,but shes her eye on your money.

Shes not worried about upsetting you,so you just think the same way.

Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons · 07/08/2020 16:48

If you can’t just say no (she’s really rude to ask) tell her it’s not a cash inheritance- it’s a tied up in investments/trusts

You’re already disapproving of her lifestyle choices; your friendship will NOT survive those poor choices being made with your money!

Pinklynx · 07/08/2020 16:48

Be very clear: I don't mix money and friendships. I value your friendship too much for that. And then just don't budge. There is literally no upside for you in this and plenty of potential pitfalls, i.e. losing your friend and the money.

minnieok · 07/08/2020 16:49

Just say no, you have already set up an investment with it

stellabelle · 07/08/2020 16:50

Your relative worked for that money - don't throw it away on this no hoper of a friend.

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 07/08/2020 16:50

Just echoing everyone who's advising you what you already know in your heart of hearts.

Don't lend her the money. It doesn't help people with her history of unreliability - and there's no guarantee that it wouldn't violate any CVA and cause problems.

StyleandBeautyfail · 07/08/2020 16:51

OP if you give her any money you will be an enabler.
You will be enabling her to carry on her charade of entitlement and poor decisions surrounding money.
Why do you feel sorry for someone who is the author of her own misfortune?
Her asking you crosses boundaries massively.
Please dont do this and examine why you feel this way.
Personally I would say no its tied up in a Trust for my retirement .
Otherwise she will never stop wheedling at you for money

BlessYourCottonSocks · 07/08/2020 16:51

@SummerInSun

How about "that money was left to me by X to provide security for my retirement and I am investing it for that, which is what I know X wanted me to do. I wouldn't feel comfortable doing anything else. Also, borrowing and lending money so often ruins a friendship and I would hate for that to happen to us."
This is perfect. It makes it very clear what the person who died expected you to do with it.

She would need to be appallingly rude to persist in asking for it when it is clear that this is NOT what your deceased relative wanted to happen.

merrymouse · 07/08/2020 16:51

No.

Neither you nor your friend know how your life will pan out between now and retirement. It is very wrong of her to apply pressure because you don't need the money now - You were never planning to spend the money now.

Hoptercopter · 07/08/2020 16:52

If I ever inherited any money I would not lend/ give it to anyone outside my immediate nuclear family - and even then it would depend on the situation.
As someone else has said, the person who left it to you wanted you to have it, so in a way it would be disrespectful to give it away to someone else when will probably never see it again.
It also seems like you are not comfortable with it as you have posted on here so my advice is don't do it.

tiredybear · 07/08/2020 16:53

I agree with others...and you have a clear cut answer to her. Your relative wouldn't want you to do this. They want you to have the money, that's why they left it to you. You are allowed to look after yourself.

Realistically, if you do gift her the money, it will build resentment and ruin the friendship anyway. Best to be clear and upfront and see where that takes the friendship.

Perching · 07/08/2020 16:53

NO WAY

She is no friend anyway asking you this, so if you lose the friendship over this you would have had a lucky escape!

Fluffycloudland77 · 07/08/2020 16:53

Before I finished the op I jabbed “Add message” so hard I hurt my finger.

I would say no. It is your money for your retirement. She’ll never pay it back & you’ll feel a fool.

JacobReesMogadishu · 07/08/2020 16:54

i HOPE YOU SAY NO.

If you do say no and lose the friendship then she wasn't a friend worth having. To be honest she's exceedingly cheeky asking. You'd be very unlikely to get the money back.

jessstan2 · 07/08/2020 16:54

I've been in your position, TeaforTara.

I would give her £500 to help her out but tell her you are not lending any money.

ivfdreaming · 07/08/2020 16:54

DO NOT LEND MONEY TO THIS WOMAN

You just say no! It's not hard and she's a cheeky cow to ask in the first place. You can kiss goodbye to ever seeing it again when (not if) she doesn't pay it back - then you'll lose her friendship anyway

CasuallyMasculine · 07/08/2020 16:55

So what are you going to do, OP?

There have been some very good suggestions on here that you could use.

wildcherries · 07/08/2020 16:55

There is literally no upside for you in this and plenty of potential pitfalls, i.e. losing your friend and the money.

Nailed it. Say no and then stick to it.

Procrastination4 · 07/08/2020 16:55

She has a very thick skin and a brass neck to ask you for a “loan”. You need to develop an equally thick skin and brass neck and say no. I cannot believe someone would put their friend in this position. If you lose the friendship, so be it. Friendships shouldn’t be bought. She’s unbelievable.

Lonoxo · 07/08/2020 16:55

I think there’s a world of difference between a friend being in financial difficulties due to bad luck e.g. losing their job and poor financial management. If your friend has a well paid job, there must be other sources of credit open to her. I would say no. If you lend her the money, you won’t see it again and it will make you mad if she goes on holiday etc whilst claiming she’s broke. Whatever you decide, sadly, I think this friendship is doomed. I would only ask a friend to borrow money if it was my last resort and even then I would feel embarrassed.