emmsys angels xxx support for mummies of lost angels xxx

[EisAHandbagaHolic]

hi ladies
well i think its about time we had somewhere where we can all come to reflect on our lost angels and help us to move on towards the future and support eachother through the bumps in the road in the meantime
love and hugs to you all
{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}
xx ei xx

Hi barbie1, saw you on the other thread -thanks for answering here too! I should be lying down but just feel so restless and depressed.

I'm worrying about everything. My hormone chain seems to have started up again since the ERPC - can that be possible, even with this infection? I did two home pts after the ERPC, one three days later and one seven days later. The first was still +ve, but the second was negative. Yay, I thought. And then on the 10th day after the ERPC I decided to do a test with a digital OPK out of pure curiosity and got an 'about to ovulate' result. Can this really be so?? TTC is out of the question thanks to the infection, obviously, but I'd really appreciate any insights...

Hey hello again, your opk might be right you know, because it would mean your af would show about 28 days after the op? sounds reasonable to me...i hope your body will settle/sort itself out soon, as for me i was never ever regular in the first place, i had the coil in for 3 years after coming of the pill after 4 years so in all i have no ideas about cycle length or when i ovulate etc, in fact its a miricle that i probably got preggers in the first place, hadnt had a af in in about 15 months! im sure once the other ladies get back they can help you out more, they are more informed than me...hope you manage to enjoy/relax for the rest of the weekend x

Hi everyone thankyou so much for your kind words and thoughts, it has helped me feel like im not quite so alone in the way i feel and also helped me realise that what im feeling is normal I read all your posts and my heart aches for all of you i know im not in a very positive place right now but the world just doesnt seem fair, i work for Child protective services and i cant help thinking there are so many ppl out there who dont deserve children yet so many ppl who would make wonderful parents and for some reason they cant. it really isnt fair. On a more positive note i got out of bed today and i even made breakfast for me and my partner..i feel strange about it almost like if i forget for a minute that it must mean i dont care which isnt true. does anyone else feel guilty about forgetting or laughing or having fun? I go back to work tomorrow and im not sure if im ready yet but i cant afford to stay home unfortunatly realitys of life have set in.
Thankyou Again everyone
Beth
xxxxx

Hi everyone doing ok today, bleeding still but does not seem to have got any heavier, still playing the waiting game. We are taking DD to the park today while the sun is out so it should be a nice afternoon, exactly what I need atm and stops me moping around the house.

Thanks for all the messages and thoughts from everyone I cannot stress how much they help. I don't know if it's the sun but we all seem a little more upbeat today. Maybe it's just wishful thinking.

Welcome vilagemum glad you found us, hope we can help you get through this awful time you are having. All of us on here have been where you are to feel free to vent all your anger and frustrations on here.

Hi ladies,
Just got back from church - we hadn't been for a few weeks so thought it was about time we showed our faces there. Am cooking some lunch and then going to take DD to the park on her bike and enjoy the dry weather.
Barbie Glad you're starting to feel better. I've also been having thoughts about what this loss means to me and I'm sure they will continue but we WILL get there....The butterflies are lovely and I would be scared of them if they weren't in this tent like thing.
VillageMum Welcome to this lovely, supportive thread. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss and very angry to hear about the treatement you've had. We had a similar problem - I was bleeding and in lots of pain but my GP refused to refer me...in the end we had to go private and it makes my blood boil when I hear of other neglectful stories. Please continue to write here. Am sending you lots of hugs and support and hoping the anti-b start working really soon. I'm really not sure about the OPKs or how LH surges are affected by m/c but I'm sure someone will be able to help. Lots and lots of love.
Bethany I'm sure we're all plagued by the same thoughts as you're having right now - I know I am. I hear so many stories of children not being wanted and it seems so unfair that we've lost our babies when we wanted them so much. Sending you lots of strength. Look after yourself.
mm Glad to hear that the bleeding hasn't got any worse. I've been trying to keep busy and I think it deffo helps. My fingers are still tightly crossed for you.

Hi to everyone else is lurking. Please keep posting xxx

Thanks so much for your kindness everyone, esp barbie1, mm, SparklyPseudonym.

The antibiotics are kicking in - after just 24 hours of taking them I've now stopped bleeding completely. Which makes me ask: WHY couldn't they just have been issued on day 1 of the problem starting? Why do the doctors feel that it's acceptable to take chances with women's fertility? - which is exactly what they're doing by leaving an infection in the womb untreated. It's not acceptable. I'm actually looking forward to squaring off with my consultant on Tuesday.

mm, my heart goes out to you. I think you are being exceptionally brave. I really hope that your scan next week shows that everything is within the normal range. x

Bethany, I felt just the same as you a week ago, immediately after I had the ERPC. I've spent a whole week sitting at the kitchen table, just grieving for 6 hours at a time between dropping ds off at school and picking him up again. A working day's grieving each time. But this week I also have to start getting on with my job again. The grief still comes back to bite me when I don't expect it, but I think it's only fair on yourself to let the better moments come too when they do. It's important that you give yourself permission to heal - take care of yourself, thinking of you. x

barbie1, thanks for your thoughts on the whole ovulation thing... I used to be very regular, so here's hoping. But I read somewhere that not being regular actually doesn't lessen your chances of conceiving, especially if you're still young (which I'm not. Decrepit! 39!!) I think you said you're only 28? Don't worry, you'll be able to have another ten sprogs if you want! x

hello everyone, its sunny here today and its brightened my mood, dh and i decided to have a no house day, ie not decorating, tidying or anything remotely related, so we are sat surrounded by sunday papers chilling out and taking it easy, bliss! Im back to work tomorrow, in some ways im dreading it, i will have to face everyone and im sure most people guessed before i left because of soon of the symptoms so that going to be hard but on the positive side it a step forward and the first day of a new and brighter future, i will miss you all though!

villagemum im so glad th bleeding has stopped, pleased dont let your consultant get of easy, its not fair to mess with peoples lives, im glad you found your way over here, its lovely isnt it? oh and 39 isnt old!!!!

bethany im glad you are feeling a little better, take it slowly, finally after 3 weeks im starting to get there so im sure you will too, chin up darling...

mm i hope you enjoyed the park, and are managing to hold everything together, im sorry you are still waiting but we are all thinking about you and sending big hugs...

sparlky I hope you enjoyed the park too! Im still not too sure about the butterflies i had a bad experience when i was younger and its totally put me off much to the amusment of everyone around me when i flap more than the bloody butterfly when i come to close, i honestly turn into a screaming banchee!!!

Hope everyone else is well today xx

Morning all,

Just a quick one from me.
Barbie Hope your first day back at work goes as well as it can. Take care.
Villagemum Glad to hear the bleeding has stopped. It's really annoying that doctors take such big chances isn't it .

Hello to everyone else.

hi ladies
villagemum so sorry about your experience i hope you find the support you need here
hi to everyone else i hope everyone has had a nice weekend its just a quick one from me to check in really
i have my consultants appointment at the recurrent MC clinic at 11 so im rather nervous to say the least[bites nails] what if he says theres something wrong?? what if he says theres no explaination for it?? i dont know what would be worse!! how strange is that!!
hope everyone else is doing well today
xx ei xx

hi ladies
ok im back from my appointment. i have been told i have a strain of antiphospholipid syndrome called lupus erythemothrombosis. i had to have a repeat blood test to confirm it but that seems to be the cause for my MCs. im not sure whether i feel happy that i have an answer or upset that i have a blood disorder that will make it hard for me carry any babies the consultant was lovely and very sympathetic and answered all of my questions though which was a nice change so what happens next is i have to get up the duff and then start on baby asprin and heparin injection combo alongside 2weekly appointments and scans to keep an eye on the progress of my preg and he also said that i was doing well starting to lose weight and to keep it up as it will help with being able to conceive so i will be keeping that up so that seems to be about the gist of it im feelin a bit weird about it all now and i now have to go to work and act cheerful im off tomorrow on a rest day so i will try and bottle up my weirdness til then
xx ei xx

Hi everyone

Barbie - good luck back at work today, hope it went well. The first day back really is the worst.

Eis - Hope today at the clinic went well. I had the initial blood tests done after my last mc thankfully all were clear. It is a strange situation on one hand you want everything to be ok and on the other you want a reason for what has happened, something they can fix so it doesn't happen again. Good luck but be prepared to wait a while on results mine took over 10 weeks to come back.

Villagemum - I was surprised reading your comment about me being brave, I really don't feel it atm. I think when you have to deal with these horrible circumstances and already have dd you just function in auto pilot, at least I think that's how I am getting thru this. Thanks for the comment it does make me feel better about myself. God I'm in tears here.

After composure - well I'm still bleeding, still not heavy but it feels the same as the last mc so I'm not feeling positive. Had a nice afternoon out with dh and dd, it's amazing what a bit of sunshine can do to lift your mood. Having a lazy day today while dd is at school.

Hi to everyone else. xx

EI - Crossed posts, at least now you can move on and get some treatment. I know someone who took the baby aspirin and heparin injections after 3 mc and now has a gorgeous baby boy. No it's not good that you have a blood disorder but now it is diagnosed all the treatment can kick in. Take a bit of time out to get your head round this and then have some fun ttc.

take care xx

Eis - a dear friend of mine has the same condition as you, had two mcs before they discovered it, then took the heparin injections during her third pg and now has a beautiful boy (now that I think of it he's aged 10 already! - and he has a younger brother aged 7 .) It's good news, don't worry, modern medicine can cope with this!

mm - what comes across so clearly from your posts is what a brilliant mum you are! I know what you mean about being on autopilot but I think you have a lot of strength in you too. Your dd is very lucky.

I've just come back from another morning in hospital. Had a scan and sure enough they've found retained tissue from my ERPC, which explains all the bleeding I've had. So I'm booked in again for tomorrow for another op. I feel dismayed about it all, but there was some satisfaction in being able to vent to the consultant about how angry I am the lack of communication and accountability generally in his team - I threatened to take it further, and that got the op moved forward! Dh came with me and sat there threateningly, taking notes, so that we had a written record. This time I know they'll take me seriously. What a pity though that we had to do this to get prompt treatment.

Off to pick ds up from school now - somehow normal life goes on. Thinking of you all. x

Villagemum - What a horrible time you have had/ are having. I really hope after your op this will be the end of the physical side and then you can begin to move on. Good for you for venting your anger against the consultant they deserve all they get after the treatment you have had. Lets hope they learn a lesson for others in the future.

Your comments to me are very touching and mean a lot at this time when all emotions are running very high. Thank you so much

mm, don't worry, you will get through this. The waiting and not knowing is terrible but it will end... one more day is nearly done now. I am thinking of you for Thursday and sending you hugs. Please let us know here what your midwife says as soon as you know. I wouldn't lose a moment's sleep over the folks at work and what they think though. This is a tough time for you and other people need to be respectful and give you space. I'm having to cancel meetings all over the place thanks to second ERPC tomorrow so I know how you feel. Take care. xx

villagemum hope all goes well tomorrow and then you can begin to get some closure on this whole horrible situation. I really think this must be awful for you the whole reason I had the ERPC after my last mc was for closure and look at what you are having to do again.

You are right that's another day almost finished. Believe it or not but I can actually handle the wait if there is a positive outcome however I just cannot see it and I feel as if we are just dragging out the inevitable.

Take care xx

mm - know what you mean - I had the first ERPC for closure too! But it hasn't worked out that way... just hoping for closure this time; I'd be happy with that, even if it comes later than I'd wanted. I will basically take any crumb that's positive right now.

You just can't know what your scan on Thursday will bring... I'm sure you're swinging between hope and sadness all the time. I think you're right to prepare yourself for all possible outcomes just so that you are ready. But maybe try not to come down too heavily in your own mind on the negative just yet - nothing's certain at this point, is it? Hang on in there, not much longer now. This is the hardest part; you will cope with whatever happens on Thursday when it happens. You are a great mum and a brave woman. xx

Gosh who invented full time work????? ive been back for 2 days and im bloody knackered!

villagemum im so sorry for what you are still going through hun, i hope this message finds you safe and well and finally looking forward to that little bit of closure, bigs hugs x

e lupus is much more common than you think, a friend of mine has it too and she has two lovely girls! im sorry you had to find out you have something but at the same time knowing will be better as you will get more help when you finally get pregnant and im sure with a little medical help you will have a bouncing baby soon !!!

mm how are you, i still have everything crossed for you, although its hard to walk with me legs crossed, lol!

hubby took the computer while i was trying to write! work yesterday wasnt as bad as i thought, i only cried 3 times! i had to call dh from the car to calm me down, the closer to work i got the more the tears flowed, it was strange to be out after nearly 2 weeks only seeing the dog and the husband and i suddenly felt overwelmed, made it into work and the first person i saw was a pregnant friend and i must admit it got to me. cue the first cry, the second was during the lunch break, everyone wanted to hear my story which i didnt want to share, after the 10th it happens for a reason i cried again! the last time was just before closing, i women came in with a new born and it made me realise what could of been...Today though i feel strong, everyones questions have stopped and i'm yesterdays news! although a few freaky things happened, of all the till points in store a lady came to me and brought a preg test, my first client was pregnant, and when i went to get the stock a pile of pregnancy magazines were sat on top I also had countless questions re baby products in store....maybe im just being sensitive but it was all very weird!

Phew long post but what im trying to say is that it wasnt too bad going back and im finally looking forward instead of back, i hope one day it will be this way for you all, big hugs xxxx

barbie1 - I was thinking about you earlier. The first day back is really horrible it feels like everyone is looking waiting for a reaction and at the same time all saying the wrong things. The only people I could relate to in any way had been thru it before themselves and knew exactly where I was mentally and physically. I was surprised how many others told me of their stories. So glad today you felt better and stronger, it's horrible to say but life does move on and you do have to go with it, there will be little things that will always take you back but they do gradually become less often. You sound like you have taken a big step today, way to go girl!!!!!

villagemum Hope today went well and you can begin to move on from this horrific time. Been thinking of you too today.

Not much change here from me, still bleeding, not any heavier but still there. Had to had my sick note in work today and quickly spoke to my manager to keep him up to date, was surprised how much telling him affected me, after all this is now the third time I have done this in less than a year. Really had to battle to keep the emotions in and I thought this time I was dealing with this well, obviously not as well as I thought.

Hope everyone else is doing well today, take care xxx

Welcome back barbie1 - so sorry to hear your first day back at work was difficult and really glad it's getting better now - people will soon stop asking you questions, as you say, and then you will have a chance to get back to normal again. And it will soon be the weekend, believe it or not! - or that's what I always like to start thinking from Wednesday onwards! xx

mm - just one more day to go till your scan, less than a day by the time you read this I hope. I am thinking of you. You were probably worried and tense when you had to speak to your manager yesterday on top of everything else, because the waiting is so hard... nearly over now. xx

I had the second ERPC yesterday and I was told it went fine. But I've had some more bad news. It seems the scan I had when my mmc was detected showed that I have something called a hydrosalpinx, or fluid-filled left fallopian tube. This can cause infertility - it's obviously not stopping me from conceiving, but it could be a cause of miscarriage by leaking toxic fluid into the womb that stops a baby's development. Now I wonder if this was the cause of the mmc I've just had. Can't even begin to think of TTC again until I see a gynae and know whether more surgery is necessary to drain the fallopian tube or even have it taken out completely. All I can think right now is - more surgery. And then what? I have a second scan on Friday. Feel really poorly and depressed. Please let me know how you all are, mm you're in my mind especially.

villagemum oh my gosh! im on the run here to get into work but i promise ill email you when i get home, you are having such a run of bad luck arent you honey? take care, speak later xxx

Goodmorning everyone else!

Oh villagemum when does this stop for you. I really hoped yesterday would be the closure you need, now you have even more to deal with and all at the worst possible time. I am lost for words at what you are having to take on atm. Hopefully on Friday you will get some more information on what's going to happen. I know it's hard but try not to get too down and at least it has now been found and they can treat it. Sorry that sounds really lame but the quicker issues like this are found and dealt with the better. My heart really goes out to you just now. Take care and my thoughts are with you.

As villagemum rightly said just one more day till the scan. Last night I didn't think I would make it to the scan, pains in my stomach for 2 hours before bed. Was absolutely convinced I would physically mc in the night, woke up in the night a few times to check but thankfully it didn't happen. Actually a little scared to go out today in case the floodgates do open. Sorry to sound so negative but I am sure we already know the outcome for tomorrow.

Hope everyone else is good today, take care xx

Hi barbie1 and mm, thanks for your messages, they really mean a lot to me. Believe it or not, but I now don't even know if this hydrosalpinx is real - my consultant was on the phone again this morning saying he wants to check for himself because he doesn't trust the sonographer who did the last scan - apparently these things can often be misdiagnosed!! But I will have to wait till Friday for him to do that. So must just get through today and tomorrow. I'm exhausted and am going to bed between now and doing the school run this afternoon... Meanwhile my work is falling to pieces. I'm on the point of pulling out of a big project because I just can't cope with the mental stress.

mm, I'm so sorry you're having to go through all of this. At least tomorrow will give you an answer. It sounds as if you are preparing yourself. Try to rest too if you can; thinking of you. Almost over now. x

villagemum is someone up there playing mind games with you, this has to be mental torture for you and dh. I don't know how you are getting thru this but do whatever you need to just now. As with work if you can get someone else to handle the project then do so, you won't be able to give 100% atm nor should you be expected to. Reduce any stress where possible. Getting some rest is a good idea and take any opportunity you can, you probably won't be sleeping very good at night anyway. You need to take time out to deal with what has happened/ is happening, mentally and emotionally you will be drained. Take care and I'm here if you need to talk. xxx