emmsys angels xxx support for mummies of lost angels xxx

[EisAHandbagaHolic]

hi ladies
well i think its about time we had somewhere where we can all come to reflect on our lost angels and help us to move on towards the future and support eachother through the bumps in the road in the meantime
love and hugs to you all
{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}
xx ei xx

Barbie You need to use these brackets [ ] not the curvy ones.

thanks x

back to the tattoo, i found this about the stars you were talking about.....It is believed to have deep and meaningful vibes. The tattoo was initially adorned by sailors and was interpreted to symbolize the Northern Star, which sailors use to help them navigate their way. So wearing a nautical star is thought of as a lucky charm or a guiding light.
Even more reason to get one if its a lucky charm! im trying to get dh to have a small one too as he works away at sea so its a double meaning! i will be brave...ill post my pic as soon as i do it

Thanks for all your kind words, it helps to know that you all know how I'm feeling. Teehee A sad day for you too by the sound of it
Sparkly Hope you're doing OK this evening.
Georgie Hope you enjoyed the film
Barbie Some background from me - I'm 36, DH and I have been married 8 years and we started trying for a baby in April 07. I was pg within 2 months of coming off the Pill but had a mmc in September last year which was picked up at my 12 week scan Had a natural mc a year ago today and fell pg again in February this year. Currently 33+4 and still can't quite believe it. It took DH and I a long time to enjoy this pg after what happened last year - I think we only relaxed after the 20 week scan. Mc affects all subsequent pgs unfortunately I am so glad I'd already found MN by the time I had my mc - the MC Avengers thread helped a lot. As did these lovely ladies

hi ladies
im a bit down tonight as af has started for me so onto cycle 11 for me now
ok il say a bit about me for you lot
im 26 ive been married to DH for 1 year together for 4.5 years. we have 1 DD who is 2.5 years old. we have been TTC for 11 cycles now i have had 3 MCs my first was in oct 2002, then more recently i had 1 in april 08 at 5+1 weeks and another in june 08 at 5 weeks i have had no luck since then getting even slightly preg and i am due to see a specialist in recurrent MC on 22nd sept. (which TBH i am growing more and more terrified about by the day hour minute)
i hope everyone is doing well this evening
sparkly well done hun for being so brave and please remember it is ok to cry/sob/scream/rage whatever you feel you need to do is ok i still have my moments where i need to get everythin out and have a huge sob/rage usually all over my poor unsuspecting DH
can i just ask a question that may be quite personal??
when people get their periods post MC regardless of how long afterwards do any of you get little impromptu flashbacks to the MC(s)?? i had a very strong flashback earlier tonight and had to breathe through it i felt as if i was suffocating with the thoughts/disappointment of it all im so sorry if that upsets anyone
xx ei xx

Hello, and thank you for the lovely welcomes...

cricri I really hope yesterday wasn't too difficult for you, I can't imagine what it'll be like a year down the line. You must've been very nervous at the beginning of this pregnancy, but thank goodness it's all gone well so far.

Sparkly I'm so sorry to read about what you have been through. You poor thing. I think the emotions you're feeling are completely normal, well at least I hope they are as I have been feeling like that too. I had very distrubing dreams after this last mc, I would wake up crying from them. I can completely relate to what you said about your DD and something happening to her. My DS became even more precious (if that's possible) and I was tortured by the idea of losing him too. It was like all my hopes and dreams were instantly pinned on him again, rather than being shared by two children. Does that make sense?

Georgie How was the film? I hope you had a lovely time...

Teehee Sorry to read about your mc's. Congratulations on being pg again - I have everything crossed for you that this one is a long and happy pregnancy

Barbie I love that meaning! I will definately have to get some done too. Are you going to get the negative ones Mollie posted about - they're lovely.

ei I'm so sorry to hear that AF has started. It's so difficult each time it happens isn't it. That's good news that you're going to see a specialist, but I can completely understand why you're scared. Have you already had tests done, or will you have them done after you've seen him/her? Re flashbacks, I've only had one period since my mc in May, so I can't really answer, but I know that anything can bring back the memories and the awful pain for me. One of them happens to be the Muller Little Stars ad on TV, which thank goodness isn't on that much any more - it's the one with all the pretty coloured ribbons and the voice of that lady who used to be in Eastenders. It made me cry when I was first pg in April as I was feeling so emotional and now it makes me cry for what I have lost, and brings all those feelings flooding back. Maybe it's our bodies just trying to deal with the enormity of what's happened - you can only cope with so much pain at a time before you go numb, so maybe it's trying to work it's way through a little bit at a time

Just a little bit about me, as I don't really know any of you (but am looking forward to getting to know you ). I'm 32, live in Belgium, and have been married for 3 years. Have been with DH 10 years at New Year. (Took a loooong time to persuade him to get his act together .) I had my first mc in April 06, it was an extremely early one - the only reason we knew was because I had an internal scan and saw the sac. We then fell pg the next month which resulted in ds (now almost 19 months). My next mc was in May this year at 8 weeks, and then I've just had another one at 12 weeks a couple of weeks ago. I desperately want another baby, and am trying to think positively about the future, but with 3 out of my 4 pregnancies ending in mc it terrifies me that it'll happen again

Hope you're all doing okay today x

EI I can understand your flashback thing, I suppose I'm "lucky" that I didn't bleed or have pain as both m/cs are missed ones, so that isn't a memory link for me. But the overall sadness when AF arrives that it is yet another cycle when we should be pg is huge! I woke up this morning feeling can't say why exactly, just a bit emotional, I knew that if anyone said the wrong thing then I would cry. It's not been a good week at work due to an iminent (sp) job change and office politics and I had more bad news this morning. I sloped off to my usualy crying spot of the toilet (classy bird) but decided that NO I was stronger than that I will not cry! Instead I found a quiet room and did my breathing techniques that my counselling gave me, it has worked and stopped me from being so over-emotional but still feel sad inside today I'm sure I'll be better later or tomorrow.
Anyway enough moaning from me, hope you guys are all OK

Well hello everyone

I thought it was about time I came to find you!

Ei you are a superstar for starting this thread, you should feel very proud of yourself when you read through and see how much support and help it has already provided to everyone, thank you! And now TEW has come to visit you, it's time for us to support you , so pull up a sofa! Thinking of you today, so glad it's not long til your appointment xx

Sparkly What a horrendous experience . I can totally sympathise on the speculum thing, I had the exact same experience, felt like the stupid doctor was trying to kebab me with it... Hope you're getting through the days as best you can. The way I coped early on the first time round was to try to organise as many nice things to do as possible, lunch with friends etc... Hope you had a lovely lunch yesterday. How is your friend doing?
Your dream about all the children playing together sounded beautiful. Do you think you saw all our babies? I find that strangely comforting, really hope it didn't freak you out too much.
Please try not to worry about something happening to your DD. I had the same thing after we lost Thomas, kept having what felt like really bad premonitions that something was going to happen to my DH, I could visualise it and everything... It was horrible. I've read Lesley Regan's book on mc recently and she talks about those feelings as a phase of the grieving process. Somehow having it 'recognised' in that way made me feel a little less scared. Hope it helps you too. xx

Hello MB'sMum and Barbie, so sorry to hear what you've both been through. MB'sMum I think I remember you from Knicker Checkers when I was lurking ther a few months ago. I didn't realise you'd had another mc, I'm so sorry . I remember looking at your pics nosey cow and thinking how incredibly cute your DS is

Cricri hope you found some peace yesterday. I saw something on the other thread which made me wonder if it was an anniversary for you. It sucks doesn't it? Saturday will be exacly one year since I first found out I was pg and exactly 5 months since Thomas was born . I think I might need to raise a glass to them both. Ei is so right, wherever we go, we carry our babies with us.

Ok. A little bit about me for those who don't already know. I'm 29, been with DH (37) for 7 years, married for nearly 3. I fell pg for the first time a year ago which was a bit of a surprise (please don?t hate me!) but that turned out to be a mmc ? had an early scan at about 7.5 weeks as we were impatient. It then took another 4 weeks for the medics to be sure there was no hope and I had an erpc on 2nd November. We then waited a month and tried again. I fell pg in January but had a very rough time throughout the pg with bleeding etc. Scans all seemed fine though and things were looking good. Sadly the blood tests I had with the 12 week scan showed my hormone levels were very low, which was confirmed by a second round of tests. I was then scanned weekly with the baby continuing to measure right for dates, but with the consultants ?increasingly pessimistic?, until an amnio at 15.5 confirmed a chromosome disorder which is ?incompatible with life? So our little boy was born at 17 weeks on 20th April and we called him Thomas. Now we?re waiting to be given the go ahead to try again, a process complicated by the fact that I found out last week after a smear test in July that I have some ?borderline changes? to the inside of my cervix, so it?s back to the waiting game for us.

Meanwhile, I have received an ENORMOUS amount of support from all the ladies here, and I truly don?t know what I would have done without them

Phew! Sorry for the long post!

Mollie I's so glad you're seeing your counsellor today, sounds like perfect timing . Thinking of you lovely lady. {{{hugs}}}

hi girls
im feeling a bit brighter now that i have skived off work today
mollie i think theres something in the air causing gloominess recently i hope your counselling session goes well and you feel better afterwards sorry you are having a hard time of it in work as if you need that stress aswell xx {{{{{hugs}}}}}
kate hope you are ok xx
a big hello to everyone here and i am so glad this thread is proving to be very therapeutic to everyone including me
xx ei xx

My word there is definately something in the air today. I felt really sad on the way to work this morning and even had some tears spring up on the bus - for goodness sake woman! I have no idea why. I was thinking about Ei actually and what she said about flashbacks

I'd never really thought about them as flashbacks and didn't get them with AF (just the sadness that Mollie talked of, but things did used to happen, I'd hear a song or maybe hear about someone having a m/c or when I went for my early scan this time around and the emotions I would feel would be so raw that it felt I had been transported back in time. And I guess sometimes, even on the bloody bus, you do return to those feelings. It's weird to come on here and in Emmsy's room and see that we are all having a been of a downer day. Maybe we are morphing into one!!

Anyway Ei I have lots of positives I've thought of for you. Do you want them or will it just make you want to smack me? (I used to hate being chivvyed out of my slump)

Hi ladies hope you don't mind if I join you all. A little bit of background had natural mc in Dec then a mmc at 12 weeks in May, baby stopped growing at 6 weeks. Pregnant again at the moment 8+4 but am fairly sure the same thing is happening again. Already had two scans last one on Fri which was inconclusive, the midwife couldn't see much and said I was difficult to scan, have to go back on Tues to find out for definite but all symptoms seem to have left and deep down I know what is coming.
Reading a lot of the previous posts ring so true, people don't know the feelings you have unless they have experience of mc. I so agree with Ei about the thread being therapeutic, it's both sad and comforting at the same time.

mm1509 hello and welcome, i hope you get some positive news on tues, i have everything crossed for you, big hugs, try to get some rest and take it easy (hard, i know!)
Glad im not the only one feeling sad today, i decided it was time to venture out of the house so dh and i took the dog to the coast, it was nice and sunny and a good time to reflect on the past few weeks, in fact i was feeling rather positive, only to lose it in the b&q carpark on the way home (hubby needed some diy stuff) i was walking around the store and felt a whoosh down below and suddenly i was soaking..thankfully it didnt take to long to get home but it brought it all back...it hit me there and then that the baby had gone, i hadnt really had much bleeding apart from the odd spotting and so it was hard finally facing up to it after seeing physcial evidence if you know what i mean, oh and another thing to make me sad, a close friend of dh said i wasnt taking mc seriously all because i dared to have a little giggle with dh! so no more giggles from me today im sorry to say xxx hello to everyone else today, hope you had a better day than me! x

Just a quick one to say hello to mm - sorry you've had to join us, but I hope you already know you've come to the right place for a hell of a lot of support and understanding. Have seen what you've been going through over on Knicker Checkers (I still lurk there occasionally, even though I have no business to ) I'm so sorry to hear it's being such a prolonged process. In some ways I found the waiting game the hardest part. You don't want to feel like you're giving up on your LO but the urge to try to shield yourself from yet more pain and disappointment is pretty strong. So I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I have some idea of what you're going through. But we'll all be here to hold your hand, both til Tuesday and beyond!

Ei so glad to hear you're feeling a bit better

Barbie I missed your post. Can't believe what your OH's friend said. What a ridiculous man. FWIW I think it's really important that you continue to have a giggle whenever you can. Send him round my way, I'll tell him a thing or two!! Hope you're ok. xx

Welcome MM so sorry you are here but you are in the best place. That limbo time is just horrible, how anyone can operate in any kind of normal way still amazes me.

I was sooo at the comment from your DH's friend. That is one of the worst and with me and the girls on here we have heard some insensitive stuff. How dare he? You have to have some release and there is nothing wrong with a giggle. In fact dark and bleak humour has got me through some truly horrible moments. Sometimes when I read posts on here they make me laugh and cry at the same time. People just have no understanding of grief and even less when it is connected to m/c.
Please feel free to rant, cry, be funny, mope and generally do what you want here - no-one will mind.

Barbie - I am sooo sorry - I directed my post at mm and not you. Sentiments were the same though - sorry again - not the first time I have done it and I am sticking with the baby brain excuse

thankyou, ive been feeling bad all day, how dare i laugh when i have lost something so precious, i have spent many hours on the sofa, thinking that maybe he was right...shouldnt i be crying? its only been a few days...then i started crying and didnt stop...i think maybe i have been covering my feelings, i feel i cant upset anyone by showing how i really feel ie my mum...she calls everyday to see how i am and i always laugh with her and tell her im fine, when really im not. I somehow feel the need to protect the ones i love. i guess as we are so far from home its easy to cover things up and i cant bear my mum being miles away and worrying herself crazy. In truth i know she knows, she had 2 mc herself i think sometimes its easier not to say things...sorry to rant on, its nice to write down feelings, so much easier than saying them!!!

MM hi and welcome xx so sorry for all you have been through and for what you feel you may be going through again we are here to hold your hand whatever the outcome of your scan on tueday xx
barbie so sorry for what happened in B+Q i had a similar experience with my 2nd MC as we were in the lake district when it happened luckliy i had a mattres strength pad on so not through the clothes embarrassment just an awful feeling of 'knowing' what was happening down there so sorry and also what a tosser you DHs friend is!! was it a man or a woman who made such an insensitive and ignorant commen t to you?? not that that matters much!! if you feel like laughing then laugh!! it is a rare things as a smile to reach the face of somone going through such an awful experience!! i meantioned to sparkly the other day that i find it easier to get my real feelings out when i am on my own and i tend to bottle things up in front of company so if you deal with your feelings in front of people by laughing and it helps you then frig them or kick him in the nuts next time he comments i.e no womb no opinion!!!
hi to everyone else
xx ei xx

Hi girls and thanks for the welcome, I already feel at home here if that's the right way to put it. Sorry we are all here but good to know we are not alone.

Barbie - Only you will know how you are feeling at that moment in time and don't feel there is a certain way you should act/ perform in front of others for their benefit. I understand totally what you say about covering up for the sake of family as that's what I did myself, more so for the sake of DD (age 4) than anyone else. You find your time and deal with it when ready and to hell with others opinions. To be honest after the last mmc no-one who didn't know could not have guessed what was going on with us, I just didn't want to be too down in front of DD so we carried on as "normal" but I was defintely more clingy with her. I just took time and dealt with it in my own way and time, still am I suppose. I guess my point is just do what feels right for you.

Kate - You know me well, I don't want to give up on this lo but I am to scared to allow myself to think positive. I also don't think this is in my mind and deep down cannot see a positive outcome on Tues, obviously hope I am wrong though.

Hi everyone Barbie suggested that i come here to find the kind of support that i need Im 23 and i found out about 4.5 weeks ago that i was pregnant then on tuesday (16/9/08) i started bleeding i went to the hospital because i didnt know what else to do after waiting for 4 hours to be seen they did an ultrasound to conferm that the pregnancy was "no longer viable" and sent me home, i couldnt get in contact with my partner till the afternoon and this happened at 9.30 am The thing that hurts about this so much is that I have PCOS nad i had honestly convinced myself that it was never going to happen after being through fertility treatments and a few rounds of IVF i was just emotionally drained (not to mention financially) then 18 mths later out of the blue this happens i felt like God had finally been listening to my prayers and i convinced myself it was going to be ok because surely if this could happen against all the odds it was ment to be? i was so happy when for the first time EVER i saw those two lines on the test and now its been taken away it just doesnt seem fair Im finding myself loosing faith in everything especially God..what kind of god would show someone something they have wanted forever and then take it away? It not right that i should have to say good bye to my baby before i even say hello.

oh bethany1985 im so sorry for everything that you have been through and are still going through its so friggin unfair welcome and i hope you find the support you need here xx we will hold your hand through it all if you need us to xx feel totally free to talk/cry/sob/rant/laugh your way through this as we will be there to listen xx
xx ei xx

Thankyou it actually helps a bit to read the threads and know that people actually really understand what im feeling, I havn't handled this well i have not been out of bed since i got back from the hospital and my partner thinks he is saying things that help and i know it has the best intentions but it doesnt help, he says things like "we can do it again" "if it happened once it can happen again" and the worst of all is he keeps telling me to trust in God's plan for me...what about my plan for me? I feel like a total failure at life i cant even perform the most basic human function and it makes me almost feel like what is the point of me being here? Im glad there is a place like this where i really feel like you guys understand when i say things that might seem crazy to other ppl. Im just so angry right now i have always believed in Karma and the universe looking after me and i have always believed in God i just dont understand what i could have done to deserve something like this? Im really angry really really angry. and i dont know if any of my friends could understand and i dont really think my partner does either he is being as supportive as he can but i still feel alone in it he is worried about me he has told me that he said he cares about how this affects me etc... but he hasnt once said anything about the baby not that he is sad or that he is angry he seems just to be fine with it, my head tells me of cause he is sad but he hasnt shown it.

Bethany - what you are saying about losing your faith rings so true to me. Since my last mc in May I have been so angry with God and have not been able to go to church since. I was gradually coming to terms with this and have had thoughts about returning to church and now it looks like I am miscarrying again. I feel what's the point all the prayers for what. In times like this I should be using my faith to gather strength not pulling away but right now it is so difficult to understand.

Quick update, was at work last night (nightshift) and started bleeding, very light but still bleeding also feeling quite crampy. Came home after I found this and will phone the EPU after I take DD to school this morning. I guess this confirms the fears I had, to be honest I have been waiting for this all week.

Oh mm I'm so sorry . What an awful lot for you to have to deal with, and then having to go through this too. It's just awful, and so, so sad.

Please let us know how you get on at the EPU. Is anybody going with you?

I am thinking of you x

Bethany I'm so sorry for you too. You're right, life isn't fair. You have every right to be angry, especially after the journey you've had. I'm so sorry that you had to go through all that only for it to end like this.

I don't think it's possible for our partners to really understand what we're going through. Yes, they can be supportive and be there for us, and yes, they've lost a baby too, but it's just not the same. I've heard quite a lot of people say that they think they're going through it on their own, and I feel like that too. Aside from the emotions, I think the grief for us is much more physical than it is for them. For me anyway, it literally does feel like my heart is breaking, it hurts so much. I've tried explaining that to dh, and he doesn't get it. The thing is that you're not on your own thank goodness, you have threads like this one, where as you say people really understand how you're feeling. For me anyway, I would have been lost without the support of my MN friends over the past six months.

Don't worry about not getting out of bed - you just do exactly as you want. You have to somehow find your way through this, and you must do whatever you need to do. I'm thinking of you too x