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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

emmsys angels xxx support for mummies of lost angels xxx

993 replies

EisAHandbagaHolic · 15/09/2008 22:26

hi ladies
well i think its about time we had somewhere where we can all come to reflect on our lost angels and help us to move on towards the future and support eachother through the bumps in the road in the meantime
love and hugs to you all
{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}
xx ei xx

OP posts:
scamperT · 05/11/2008 23:15

Evening girls, hope you are all wrapped up warm somewhere and taking care of yourselves.

lilac my DH has also suggested counselling. I had first mc in Feb, but got pg again quite quickly in May, so did not really have time for it all to sink in, but when we went for our 12 wk scan in July were told I had mmc around 6 weeks. Somehow the message reached my insides and I mc naturally over the next couple of days after the scan, but it was hideously painful, so in the immediate aftermath I was just relieved not to be in pain. Picked myself up, went back to work after 2 days and didn't even begin to deal with the sadness...just threw myself into ttc, bought all the books, learnt all about charting temps and cervical fluid etc etc...what DH calls my "steely determination" to be pg. Then over dinner a few weeks ago, he says "um, do you think maybe you should talk to someone about this...."

I haven't had any counselling so far but I think it is a good idea. Actually, MN has been a great start for me! At last, there are women who know exactly how I feel, and write about their lost angels as real people who they have lost...and I think acknowledging what we have lost is a big step on the road to living full and happy lives (one day!).

Since writing on MN I have found I am being more honest about how crap I feel with people in the outside world too. Had a long chat and a good cry on the phone to my mum this week, and it was such a relief to say no I am not fine, I am not coping very well, and I feel sad a lot of the time. Mum lost my little sister at 7 months, and even tho that was 26 years ago, she still remembers her.

curlywurlee hello, and I am sorry to read what you are going through. So much worse when it is all drawn out. Make sure you take all the time you need to be kind to yourself, physically and emotionally. I am sure it does get less painful with time, and meanwhile there's MN to pour your heart out to.

barbie I cannot believe your boss said that!! I hope you sneezed all over her and gave her your flu. BTW what are you doing back at work if you are ill?! Stuff her and her silly figures...take tomorrow off.

vickyjane I like your thought that our time will come, its always hard when girls close to us are pg and villagemum thank you for your hopes for this month! Right now I don't feel quite so desperate to conceive this month, but no doubt that will change in a few days! Have struck a deal with DH that the ov test kits and thermometer have been put away, and in return he guaruntees to do the necessary at least once every 2 days over what I think will be my fertile time! He has also just got back from a lads night, stone cold sober....I think someone has abducted the real DH and replaced him with a lookalike.

sabs how are you hon? As you will have gathered, we are ttc now but no luck so far.

ooh, nearly forgot I had my first acupuncture today, and I do feel nice and calm. Bad news is that she thinks I should avoid sugar to balance myself out, so no more cakes for a while, boo.

That's all for now on a momentous day in history - one thing to smile about anyway! xxx

mm1509 · 05/11/2008 23:33

scamper it might be an idea to speak to a cousellor, I have briefly but am starting to think about giving her another call, I am scared this takes over rl.

vm maybe we are picking fights as we are tntc, it has gave me something to think about. I can also appreciate the coming home from work late.........on second thoughts no they just drive us crazy. Hope you make up soon hun. BTW I work in the semiconductor industry.

Sabs1981 · 06/11/2008 09:13

Just a quick update to all, but promise to write properly later on.

SIL came down to MIL's yesterday so I went over to see her and her week-old baby girl, for the first time. Was feeling so apprehensive beforehand and told DH to stay by my side. Went with a big basket of pink and white flowers for her.
Felt so emotional when I saw her, she's so cute and tiny, like a little doll. But I kept my emotions to myself and just had a little cry when i got home. All I could think about was whether my lost angel would have looked like her. But SIL let me change her nappy and clothes. I thought I would feel really bitter, but I didnt, just sadness for me, but happiness for the whole family.
Now off on training all day, with a friend who is pregnant, but spends the whole time moaning about how hard it is being pregnant. What I would give to be in her shoes! Last time I saw her, she kept on insisisting on knowing why I was off on sick leave for 2 weeks so I just told her I miscarried, and then just walked away, because I couldnt handle her reaction. Havent seen her since.
Wish me luck!

VillageMum · 06/11/2008 10:08

lilac, hi ((waves)), glad you're OK!

Sabs, I'm so with you (what I wouldn't do for all that pregnancy nausea and hardship!) Think you've handled your pg friend really well - now she knows what happened, and it's up to her to deal with it sensitively. Reading about you changing your SIL's newborn's nappy and clothes has made me cry. Such a simple thing but it stands for so much.

scamper, mm, I also still feel sad a lot of the time. Whenever I think it's starting to get better, a bad day arrives and I find myself ambushed by grief. I'm trying to get on top of work again (I write) but my edge has been dulled. I'm trying to find my way back but it's hard.

mm, semiconductors! Not sure I even know what they are - will look it up!

Dh and I did make up (chastely).

barbie1 · 06/11/2008 13:29

vm glad you and hubby made up!

curlyweerly i hope you are home relaxing after the op today.....

Hello to everyone else, my cold is still here and such bad pains in my belly, spotting has stopped today...so no idea what the hell is going on again this month..

I totally freaked myself out today, i took the dog to the coast, the same walk we always do. It was cold and grey and the sea was crashing into the shore and there was nobody around so it was bliss...suddenly i had the overwelming feeling that the baby i lost was a girl, no idea where it came from but i couldnt stop thinking about it..i thought about so long i didn't realise how far i had walked but suddenly the dog was back at my side crying and not wanting to leave, there was nobody ahead so i thought i would keep walking but something stopped me, and i had the urge to turn back towards the car and run....seriously i ran and ran until i could run no more, but kept looking behind me...it was so weird all my senses where hightend and i seriousy considered calling my mum in devon to tell her where i was incase she didn't hear from me in the next hour. I really thought something bad was going to happen...it didnt of course but i returned to the car shaking and tearful.
So what do you think happened there then?? now i cant stop thinking about the baby girl and im scared to do that particular walk again!

VillageMum · 06/11/2008 15:14

Oh barbie, how frightening for you; do you think it could have been a mild (or not so mild) panic attack? Dwelling on the possible sex of the babies we've lost is totally normal but also very distressing. That seems to have been a very intense moment for you; maybe all sorts of feelings that have been bubbling under the surface reached a peak just then? Many many ((hugs)). I hope you're feeling a bit better now; will be doing the school run in a mo but will be back later if you need someone. xx

VickyJane77 · 06/11/2008 16:06

Hello ladies, I'm feeling rather tired today, think I'll have an early night tonight with a hot chocolate.
I hope you're feeling ok now barbie, sounds like you had quite a fright.
vm, glad you made up with hubby, nttc is so hard, I know we are waiting until after Christmas, but it does seem such a waste using condoms doesn't it.
Hope everyone else is doing well today, and thinking of you curly.

barbie1 · 06/11/2008 16:21

Thankyou girls, im perfectly fine now, i have no idea what came over me but i do know that i will stick to the local park from now on!
vickyjane oh hun i hope you are not coming down with something? im feeling a little better, being able to breathe makes all the difference
Lol at using condoms, send your hubby away like mine, best form of tntc ever!

CircularRainbow · 06/11/2008 16:27

Hello everyone, hope today has been OK so far..

curlywurlee - hope the op went ahead as planned today and that your (physical) recovery doesn't take too long. Will you be able to stay at home and be looked after? It will take time for things to heal but getting the op out of the way is the first step...

barbie - your horrible boss, what a terribly insensitive comment to make. Just wait until you are 6mths pg AND still turning in good results! Hope your next dog-walk is better; perhaps you need a good long sleep to really kick those Autumn blues..

scamperT - acupuncture sounds too 'needly' for me but I hope it works for you!

lilac - hope today has been better for you.

Hello to everyone else and until next time...

mm1509 · 06/11/2008 16:38

barbie are you ok hun, like vm said it could have been a panic attack or just a combination of all the emotions you have been both feeling and suppressing over the last couple of months. You have been handling so much between the mc and dh being away, I really wish someone was there with you, I hate the thought of you being alone right now. Do you feel any better now? Oh hun I wish I could come down there, open a bottle of wine and just let you get it all out, sending you the biggest virtual jugs I can. I am working again tonight so will be able to check in later to chat. Thinking of you xxx.

vm not surprised that you don't know about semiconductors, basically production and testing of microchips. The industry has been linked with mc, now I don't directly work with any of the chemicals involved however I do have concerns over the byproducts of some of the equipment around me. If you google semiconductors and mc I am sure you will see where my concerns come from.
Sorry to hear you are still sounding sad, if I am honest they only thing that got me thru my first mc was falling preg again. It was all I could think about and you could even call me obsessive about ttc. Obviously you know how the story went and I now know I have to deal with the emotions of mc without blanking it out with a bfp, although I do feel as if I am in a better place now to deal with them............or am I kidding myself on. Have you thought about something in memory of your lost baby, it is something that is going thru my head a lot atm. I normally am not a big fan of tattoos but am considering getting something small and discreet as a permanent reminder that I have all the time. You take care hun xxx

mm1509 · 06/11/2008 16:40

Hi to vickycircular and all the rest of you lovely ladies

barbie1 · 06/11/2008 16:57

mm right on the weekend i come up how about getting a tattoo done together? i still want the star on my wrist but havent had the time or anyone to go with to get it done!
You always make me smile, thanks for worrying about me. I am ok, wish i knew why i felt that way this morning, prehapes the dog crying frightened me, and thinking about the baby was something totally different...poor you having to go to work, im currently relaxing after getting a bout of energy and finishing the bathroom

circular im glad your day is a good one, im with you on the whole needle thing! not sure if its something i could do as im scared senseless of them!

VillageMum · 06/11/2008 17:09

mm, wow, the semiconductor issues seem complex... Do you feel better now that you're getting a proper health and safety check? It's easy to get paranoid about mc triggers, I know (every once in a while I freak out about sitting in front of a laptop literally ALL DAY - what risk does that carry, I wonder?) but equally it's good to eliminate anything that can be eliminated. Oh mm, if I'm totally honest, then I have to confess that the main thing that's keeping me going now too is the thought of getting pg again - and that is in spite of us having deliberately not conceived this month so as to have 'time out', my trying to refocus on work, my taking exercise to lift my mood... these things have helped to some degree, but who am I kidding? The only thing that really feels worthwhile and positive is getting pg again. It just seems like the only life-affirming thing. Not true, I know, I know, but there you go - there is this great sense of something missing and nothing except another pg will restore that. Doing something in memory of my lost baby... well, this is what I'm doing: after I found out I was pg I started a new novel (I'm a writer). After I miscarried it seemed almost too painful to carry on with this book because it triggered so many memories of writing it while pg, and of feeling at one with the baby. But I've decided that I will finish it and that this will be my memorial to my lost child. We started it together, so to speak, and though I have to finish it alone that's one meaningful thing I can do. (I'm not brave enough for a tattoo!) You take care too...

barbie, glad you're feeling better!

VickyJane, our problem is that we've never really taken to condoms, so abstinence is the deal for us (or not - that's how we conceived last time !)

barbie1 · 06/11/2008 17:17

vm your post brought tears to my eyes re starting the novel together and it being a memorial to your lost child...You wont finish it alone, you will finish it with new found friends, a greater sense of love and support and hopefully a new pregnancy all brought together by your little angel.....

barbie1 · 06/11/2008 17:18

now the tears are rolling down my face

CircularRainbow · 06/11/2008 17:21

vm - wow a writer! That sounds interesting and you're your own boss too! Out of interest, what is your genre? Good luck with your book, finishing it will be a lasting memorial to your lost baby.

mm/barbie - getting a tattoo would certainly be a permanent gesture of remembrance to your lost babies - although mm, you'd have to hold barbie's hand tightly due to the needle at the end of the tattoo gun

Jonesy68 · 06/11/2008 17:29

Hello. I wonder if I can join your thread?

Like Barbie I have had an MC at 12 wks when I should have been having the scan and seeing little jumping bean instead. V sad and disappointed as also had MC in June at 8 wks.

This time v confusing as pg sac there with all that shld be there for PG at 12 wks but sac empty. I don't understand and while I'd rather not see a lifeless foetus there, this is hard to get my head around. I felt PG for all the time, nausea, little bump, extreme tiredness etc. How come nothing inside sac and how come sac there?

Didn't need ERPC op which was booked for tomorrow as bled like a mutha yesterday and passed it all so no need. Took the sac etc that came out (sorry if TMI to docs today so can be sent off for analysis.

Be grateful for any advice. You all seem very caring and I am sorry for all your losses too x

VillageMum · 06/11/2008 17:30

Oh no barbie, I didn't mean to make you cry! I'm really moved by what you wrote there - yes, I've also thought that having a new passenger on board while finishing the book would be really wonderful... and knowing all of you has been a lifesaver I never even anticipated. Going back to what your awful boss was saying the other day about work quality and being pg - well, I actually found I wrote and worked better while pg, so there!!

Circular, I write literary fiction (the stuff that barely sells!) and literary journalism. Not The Da Vinci Code, sadly...

Jonesy68 · 06/11/2008 17:32

BTW villagemum I choked reading about your novel and think that's such a lovely thing to do. I have a tattoo on my left wrist with DS's initials and was going to tattoo the new baby's on my right wrist at some point. Hope to still be able to do that one day although as I'm 40 now, perhaps time isn't on my side. We'll see. The way I think of it is that I think if there's a baby out there for me it will find me.

barbie1 · 06/11/2008 17:33

jonesy68 im holding out my arms to give you a big hug, of course you can join, sorry for your loss, awful isnt it. If you ever get the chance i would go back to page one and reread thread, most of your questions will get answered and any of your thoughts will of been written by someone else so you know you are not alone...

barbie1 · 06/11/2008 17:35

vm damn the tears wont stop ! so an writer eh? im going to have to be more careful with my spelling etc now [blush} have you had any of your novels published???? i want to get my hands on something you have written!

CircularRainbow · 06/11/2008 17:39

welcome jonesy68 and sorry to hear of your sad loss but glad that you've found this thread where you can share your experiences with like-minded MNers. I too had a mmc and started bleeding two days before my 12wk scan; I had a scan a day before my 12wk scan but there was nothing there . I had an emergency D&C that night due to excessive blood loss.

In your case, now that you have passed the sac you can at least start to heal and recover physically, which is a very good start. The emotional side will take longer to heal but this thread is good therapy and will help you on your journey.

btw - are you 40yrs old (the 68 in your name?)

VillageMum · 06/11/2008 17:42

Jonesy, I'm really sorry you've been through this twice in such a short time. I've heard of other ladies having the same experience as you (sac but no baby)- I think it's called a blighted ovum, horrible term. It's where conception occurs and the fertilised egg implants but then does not develop. The pg homrone in your system make you feel pregnant. It's sadly very common and can happen to anyone. How are you feeling now? Sending you strength and hugs. The girls on here are fantastic and will hold your hand whenever you need them to... x

CircularRainbow · 06/11/2008 17:43

Ah, you are 40yrs old - SNAP; well don't feel too old because, let's say, my days of being 40yrs old are rapidly diminishing....

VillageMum · 06/11/2008 17:49

Jonesy, our posts must have crossed... well, I'm 39 and I'll be ttc again, so come and keep me company when you feel ready! I also have one ds like you.

barbie, my first novel was published this summer - in the same month I fell pg; it's been quite an eventful year. Too shy to tell you what it is and then anyway my cover will be blown and I will no longer be VM! Don't worry about spelling BTW, you spell perfectly! x