Hi everyone, I’ve been reading through your post and they have been very helpful not to feel alone and also feel a bit hopeful.
I was told on Thursday that my pregnancy was not viable at 9weeks MMC. had some brown discharge at implantation, then it stopped, then about 10 days of brown discharge (which I wasn’t sure what it meant but bc it wasn’t red they said to watch it). Then I started having symptoms so I figured things were ok. Two weeks ago I had a little bleeding and had a scan the next day. They found a gestational sac measuring 8weeks and a fetal pole measuring 6 weeks with no visible heart beat. They diagnosed it as PUV pregnancy of unknown viability and programmed a scan 14 days later. On the first scan the nurse that talked to us in that little room, played it 50/50 and that surely my dates were wrong. She mentioned misscarriage but barely.
all of this caused a lot of strain amongst us. My husband thought that I was still pregnant and everything was going to be ok and I knew. I knew the moment I kept having that discharge. I knew even more after seeing the giant sac with a lifeless fetal pole. So this has caused me to feel really alone in this. I feel like I have been grieving since that first scan but then my body doesn’t seem to get it. In fact my symptoms basically stopped after that first scan, just my breast hurt but they hurt differently.
the nurse who spoke to us after the second scan was much more senior and explained things better. Although because of my age (42) she kept mentioning that my eggs are not good. That the chances are really low. I felt this was not ok to be saying, it has thrown me on a loop of feeling even more miserable. I can’t go back in time, and this was the moment when we decided to start ttc.
also I should add that since that first red bleed, I had a week of really dark brown discharge (some days heavier). Then this week I passed mini clots when having a bowel movement and 1 just randomly. I have also had some more red blood. Some cramping in these days but still nothing happening. I’ll get some cramping and feel like it might be starting, but then it stops.
they didn’t offer me surgery as they don’t do unless further along. They offered me medication or waiting. I am going to take the medication route although I’m scared. I’ve had really bad period pain in the past, like make you faint and throw up. Plus my iron levels tend to be on the low side. So I decided to go to the gp on Monday, get a full blood test done to check my levels. In the meantime, I have continued to take the prenatal that has iron and I am eating red meet regularly. I also want to ask for a codeine prescription in case I need it.
im scared, im not going to lie. Im scared of the physical and emotional pain. I’m scared of all my eggs being unviable. I’m scared of the strain this is putting on our marriage (my hormones are everywhere, I get so angry at little things, I am extra sensitive. I’m scared of loneliness, I haven’t told anyone and don’t want to and feel like my husband is sort of there but doesn’t really get it.
I called Samaritans today, and a man answered and it wasn’t helpful at all. I then called 111, and again a man answered who said upfront I don’t know how to help, I need to put you through to a woman. Whilst he did that he left the mic on so I heard how he refers to me and didn’t like it and hung up.
I have cried so much, and I know I still have a long way.
I am sending you all lots of light to guide your way. Thanks for reading me 🫶