Hi everyone. I have been lurking and reading on and off for the past week or so but its been a bit too painful to post until now. It has been helpful to hear about your experiences though and feel less alone. I recognise a few names on here and am so sorry that we are going through this.
I found out two weeks ago at a private scan that the baby had passed away at 7+5. We had been trying for two years, had been given a mild male factor diagnosis and were expecting to pursue IVF treatment post COVID-19 before we got pregnant naturally. I knew that it was possible for something to go wrong but I think genuinely thought that our shitty luck had passed. But clearly not.
I was planning on surgical management but had to wait more than a week and the miscarriage started by itself last Friday. I ended up in hospital due to heavy bleeding. At one point I went into shock due to having some 'product' (I hate that term) stuck in my cervix- I passed out in the hospital toilets and woke up to a whole load of doctors and nurses trying to get me out of there so that they could remove things. I remember only thinking about how close my head was to the toilet brush and how gross that was. I think it was days afterwards before the horror of the experience actually hit me.
I was in hospital overnight- there was some concern that I might have needed a blood transfusion but I was able to avoid that as last scan confirmed that the miscarriage had completed. My blood count lowered by a fifth so I'll be on iron pills for a while. The scan also found multiple small fibroids including one in the womb lining although I have been told not to be too concerned about that right now (which is easier said than done).
I can feel myself recovering physically and gaining some strength back but emotionally I have been all over the place. For some reason, I prefer the bouts of crying to the hours spent feeling numb and just completely erased. Feeling nothing is worse than feeling everything for me.
The worst part is the loss of hope. Even though I understand why they do it, at first I felt really annoyed at everyone- friends, family, professionals- encouraging us to try again as soon as possible. Even though I am desperate to finally start a family, it felt like it was devaluing the loss that I had just experienced. We wanted this baby so much and I just wanted the space to grieve that loss. Now, a week later I have mentally signed on to the idea of trying again (we were given a sensible plan by the consultant at the hospital who happened to be the medical director of the local fertility clinic) as I know it is what I really want. But emotionally, I've lost faith and feel like it will never happen. I used to look at people with families and even at the most difficult times of trying to conceive, I believed that we would get there one day. But right now, I just don't see it. I hope that will change over time.
Sorry to go on so much- I didn't really have any words to describe my experience until now when I apparently have all the words! I hope everyone is recovering in whatever way works for them. Hope to speak soon x