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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

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First Pregnancy Missed Miscarriage (Part 4)

923 replies

Kiki061190 · 08/08/2019 07:53

Hi ladies!

Our previous thread is now full so I’ve made a new one 😘

OP posts:
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Catconfusion · 29/10/2019 10:08

@MrsMGE I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Do you know what, sometimes really going there with the negativity and the fear can actually help you come out the other side. I'm not sure if I said before but I took a photo of myself ugly crying and decided this was rock bottom and I never wanted to be this low again. People often use the 'good vibes only' cliche and it can actually cause shame when we're feeling bad like it's somehow wrong. You've been through so much and you have every right to feel shitty and scared. I do hope you're feeling better soon but for now ride it out. Big hugs! Xx

MrsMGE · 29/10/2019 10:40

Thanks @Catconfusion. You did say about the photo, yes. I just see that I'm feeling down every month now (and now also poorly in between because of various triggers) and it's not going anywhere. I really didn't think it would succeed this month, and of course it hasn't. So I'm not one of those women who have stopped hoping and bam, it happened. It didn't. And it didn't happen when I was all hopeful and positive either. Nothing is happening at all. How can one possibly keep going like this? It feels like a torture tbh, I can't win, no matter what approach I take mentally and no matter how much DH and I look after ourselves physically. I was gonna do the gym, but screw this, I'll get drunk and even have a cigarette tonight (I haven't smoked for years, but I'm just done now) xxx

Anny27 · 29/10/2019 10:58

Hi ladies, i hope you dont mind me jumping in just feeling a bit lost at the moment.

I am currently 9+2 but my scan on the weekend showed baby was 6+1 and no heartbeat so suspected missed miscarriage. Have another scan on friday to confirm and then guess will learn the next steps.

Just feel really sad especially as this is first pregnancy :(

SunStruck · 29/10/2019 17:07

@MrsMGE I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling so shit! TTC IS really shit. Nothing we do or not do is ever right! It's just a long, anxiety-ridden journey even if we manage to get the elusive BFP.... I'm guessing you might have gotten AF today - screw being healthy and just have that big glass of wine! Life is too short 🍷

You have a solid plan in place for getting some help for MH as it's really tough to go through this on your own, and until then just vent here as it is a safe place and we all get it. Big 🤗

Catconfusion · 29/10/2019 18:27

@MrsMGE it's so hard when you're feeling regularly down. I'm sure it feels out of your control to some extent too down to triggers. Hopefully the council long will give you some strategies to help. We're all here as @SunStruck says so vent away! Xx

@Anny27 I'm so sorry to hear your news. I was very similar - 10 weeks with baby at 6 plus 1 and no heartbeat. That was February. I then had another early loss straight after. I would definitely advise waiting a cycle if you have ERPC. Four months after that I fell pregnant again and I'm currently 16 weeks. It is a tough road ahead but please know there is plenty of support here for you on this thread. I hope you get your rainbow soon! Xx

Catconfusion · 29/10/2019 18:28

@MrsMGE *counselling

Anny27 · 29/10/2019 20:13

@Catconfusion thanks for your reply :) thats wonderful that you are 16 weeks along with your rainbow baby!

It took us 4 cycles to conceive this one so hoping it wont be too long the next time either. Yeah we are keen to ttc asap obviously but seem some conflicting stuff about waiting 1 full cycle vs not. Do you think getting pregnant right after the first miscarriage might have contributed to the 2nd one then?

Kiki061190 · 29/10/2019 20:46

@SunStruck No, not a clue what baby is! We’ll hopefully know on Monday. It’s great you are keeping so fit, I always found exercise helped clear my mind. So glad you are keeping well!

@MrsMGE So sorry you feel down. I agree with @Catconfusion that sometimes it’s better to just feel it out. You’re allowed to feel the way you’ve feel, it’s been a tough year! Thinking of you ❤️

@Anny27 So sorry for your loss, you’re in the right place as we have all been through a similar experience. I lost twins in May which was my first pregnancy too, it was also a MMC and I had medical management. I fell pregnant 2 months later and am almost 16 weeks pregnant now. I definitely recommend waiting a cycle to try again. Your cycle can be a bit off after a MC, allow your body to heal ❤️

OP posts:
Catconfusion · 29/10/2019 20:49

@Anny27 unfortunately I do. Our doctor said we could try straight away but when I had the second loss I was sent to hospital with a suspected ectopic. The gynae doctor I saw thankfully told me not ectopic but said in his opinion the lining is often not recovered after an ERPC for at least one cycle. This means you can conceive but it might not implant properly. Some ladies are lucky so you could just try and see what happens. Several ladies on this thread had something similar happens so it does seem common. I have to say though it really mucked my hormones up to have two back to back losses.

I'm glad I had a gap before this pregnancy because I needed more time than I realised for the emotional recovery. I think if the second pregnancy had continued it would have had far more mental health issues. It's been an anxious time anyway, even with a gap but it would have been harder.

Don't let my experience put you off an ERPC. Most people have a very positive experience. It seems overall far less traumatic. Of course it is an individual choice. Feel free to ask away on here if there's any questions. I think between us we've experienced all options. I hope you're getting us much rest as possible and the next week goes as quick as it can. Xx

ELM7 · 29/10/2019 21:52

Hi hope you don’t mind me joining this conversation But you seem like you are giving each other great support.

We unfortunately found out today (thinking I was 10 weeks with my first pregnancy) that our babies have no heart beat and I say babies because we also found out today that we’d been expecting twins. Going back tomorrow for op as I decided I couldnt deal with the wait of miscarriage naturally.

Just feeling numb at the moment but know it will suddenly hit me like a tonne of bricks

Anny27 · 29/10/2019 22:03

@Kiki061190 its such an awful time isnt it! Not sure if i will need medical management yet but i think i will given that baby stopped growing 3 weeks ago and no sign of anythinf yet. i think we will need a month just to get over things as well and also we might take a little holiday end of November before trying again.

@Catconfusion that makes a lot of sense about the lining not being thick enough. Another lady going through the same thjng on another thread was pregnant one month after ERPC and she has now lost that baby so there is definitley a trend i have seen :(

@ELM7 so sorry about the loss of your twins ❤ sounds like we are going through something similar atm. I am 9+2 and my baby has no heartbeat and probably stopped growing a few weeks ago but going for a scan at the EPU on friday to confirm and then figure out next steps. Thats good that you have the op fairly soon xx

MrsMGE · 29/10/2019 22:41

Thank you @Catconfusion. It is out of control, indeed, AF is one of the triggers and I recognise now that this is why I'm feeling so poorly today. I think a good thing is that I've learned to recognise my triggers (at least most of them, I hope). Now it's onto learning to manage them until they disappear. I strongly believe that this is a temporary phase in my life, I just need some help. It appears I have to wait for a few months, just hope I have enough strength to see me through.

I had two glasses of red today, it's really helped me actually. It is nice to let go of the rigid approach sometimes. @Kiki061190 You're absolutely right, for the first time I've adopted this approach of letting myself live through feeling bad. It is what it is, it will pass, it needs to be lived through. It's not easy, but that is OK. It's not the end of the world.

@SunStruck I am very conscious not to make out my issues are in any way comparable to losing another baby. Let's be honest, that is utterly heartbreaking and going through it multiple times is the absolute worst. It's not easy to have MH issues following baby loss, but another loss is on a different level and there's no question about this in my mind. I remain in awe of your strength and I really wish I could be that strong, but I'm not at the moment. Maybe in time. I'm ashamed to admit that it crossed my mind that I'd rather have a diagnosed fertility issue or even another miscarriage because at least I'd be getting somewhere, I'd move from where I've been stuck for ages. This isn't what I really think, of course. But waiting to conceive after the MC with no success does strange things to your brain. I am still desperate to find some answers, when the reality is, there probably isn't anything to find. It is this feeling of helplessness that is most disheartening and it kills me every day a little bit more, as nothing is changing.

To the ladies who have just joined, welcome and I'm sorry you're finding yourselves here. Also sorry I am not as supportive as I perhaps was in the past, I'm not having the best time and I don't want to freak you out. I am thinking about you though and sending you love at this hard time ❤️ xxx

SunStruck · 30/10/2019 01:34

@ELM7 @Anny27 welcome girls, so sorry to hear you've found yourselves here! This is a perfect and safe place to get support and to vent though ❤️ I also recommend one cycle between ERPC and trying again, I went for lots of scans after my ERPC and my Dr said lining definitely not thick enough to start trying (I'm going private as I live abroad which is why I'm getting more scans). This was end of May. I got pregnant again last month but just had an early natural loss, and this time I don't plan on waiting a period between as it was all natural rather than surgery. A lot of Dr's recommend waiting a cycle just because it will be easier to date. I intend to track ovulation though so won't be difficult (I use OPK as well as temping so is very accurate). I feel good this time around as it was natural, quick and my temp has gone back to normal just a week after, while my temps were up for a month and a half after my ERPC (I did have to have another because I had retained products, but this is a rare complication and I'm sure won't happen to you guys).

@MrsMGE grief is grief, it is the same no matter of how many or how few losses you've had! Please don't think you should feel less 'just' because you've had one. You know period is your trigger, so you'll be more equipped to deal with this emotion next month if it happens ❤️ I've come to terms with that it's just going to be a longer road for some women, and I'm included in this group. When I started TTC it wouldn't have occurred to me. When I realized this, I started stressing less. Again, unfortunately, I do think it's down to luck. I might be less lucky due to age but I'm sure it will be our time soon, and there's not much I can do inbetween apart from trying to be healthy but not go overboard.

The reason I'm not that down this time around is because no fetal pole was seen, just sac and yolk sac measuring way behind. So in my mind, there was no baby (yet). Last time I saw and heard heartbeat, it was a very different feeling. Also this time, I didn't allow myself to get my hopes up that much so was easier to swallow when it happened.

It has crossed my mind if something is really wrong with me to have two losses, but then I look at @Catconfusion and other ladies who had 2 or more, and I'm certain my rainbow will be here soon(ish). Until then I'm trying to enjoy myself, as motherhood is forever and I am a person who really value independence and to be able to do whatever I want when I want to (this trip coming up, having wine on the weekend, go to a spa and use their hottest sauna...). I think it helps I've never been a 'baby person', I definitely want children (2 max or I'll go insane 🤣) but I've never been dying to become a mum because I love freedom. I love my pets to bits and they are my fur babies and add so much to my life.

Now I obviously want kids otherwise I wouldn't be on this board, but the above thinking have kept me sane because while I want kids I'm also terrified, life as you know it will end, and I'll try to enjoy the ride of just caring for myself and DH now inbetween TTC....

SunStruck · 30/10/2019 01:48

@Kiki061190 hopefully the little one will stay still for long enough this time 😅

@Catconfusion how are you holding up, have you gone back to work now? I know you couldn't work when you had HG. You must feel like yourself again! ❤️

Is the elusive 2nd trimester as good as everyone says?! 😆

MrsMGE · 30/10/2019 01:52

@SunStruck Really interesting comments about your coping strategy. I very much like them and identify myself with them, I really think this is a very good approach to have.

Personally, I was exactly the same as you. I first thought I could have a baby when I was 26, but I wasn't ready for it. I needed to qualify, get married, buy a house and travel the world in between, in other words to live, just for me, because that was "my time" after years of being tied up with university, professional qualifications, moving countries etc. So I have no regrets, I would have been extremely resentful if I hadn't done that and all of my friends were very jealous of my lifestyle, saying how they wished they had children a bit later so they could do the same as me. But then, once I hit 30, something has changed in my thinking and I've started yearning to be a mum. I have actually made lots of effort, savings and planning (nesting, generally speaking) to be as ready as I could be, and I have realised that this is what I have really, really always wanted most in my life deep inside. I was totally ready emotionally then, but not financially, so we've decided to wait till I was 32. When I then fell pregnant, I was over the moon, it was like all my biggest, secret dreams came true. People probably tend to think I am very professional, focused and career-minded, generally I have the "male" leadership traits (although I think they are gender neutral). However, in reality, I am very maternal and warm, but it's not for everyone to see. This is at the core of why it's hit me so hard and why I am where I am now. Motherhood has always been a focal point in my life and being in this situation really is causing me a great pain now. My greatest fear that it will never happen for me is out again. In combination with my past and the triggers I have it is difficult to live with every day.

I feel I was born to be a mum and I can't imagine my life without a baby. There, I said it. Xxx

Catconfusion · 30/10/2019 04:13

Hey @MrsMGE I think that's a really good way to look at it. Every bad stage of life does pass to make room for something else. It's great you recognise your triggers as well which I'm sure will help with finding coping strategies. AF is a horrendous time when ttc. All those hormones and agonising over why it hasn't worked. I'm glad you had some wine. I honestly think it has medicinal qualities. Xx

@SunStruck it's really great you're seeking fun and enjoying that independence. I have no doubt you'll be a Mum soon and of course everything will change.

From all the reading I've done recurrent miscarriage seems pretty rare. I just think it can take a long time to recover from an ERPC and mmc. I honestly think my second loss was because my body wasn't ready rather than recurrent issues. It could be your body needed longer. As I've said before Chinese medicine doctors believe mc is harder on the body than childbirth. Also try not to worry about age. You're still likely to have good fertility. Many younger ladies take a long time to conceive and indeed have mcs so it's likely just bad luck rather than a decline in fertility. You're doing all you can to cover bases with progesterone and aspirin etc so you have a very good chance next time will be the one. Remember I was third time lucky and it's likely you will be too! Xx

SunStruck · 30/10/2019 04:18

@MrsMGE I completely understand where you are coming from, I also felt something inside me change when I saw the heartbeat the first time. For the first time it's actually not just about me anymore, and it was a warm and fuzzy feeling. I've spent 35 years doing what I wanted when I wanted it, I also focused on career, traveling and got some money behind me to be able to live a comfortable lifestyle with DH (we're in the same profession). We are definitely ready for this next step, just like you are. I also have more 'male' traits in terms of working in a very male dominated environment, definitely not nurturing environment in any way. One guy I worked with told me 'I can never imagine you being a mum' because I'm doing quite well and am quite tough at work 🙄 he doesn't know what we're going through of course. In private I'm very caring about friends, family and pets and have a big heart. I do think I'll make a good mum, I feel me and DH have good values and good families and we can't wait to start this new journey together.

That being said, I really am certain we will get there one day, and that day is probably closer than we think! I'm enjoying just being the two of you for the time being while TTC.

You WILL become a mum @MrsMGE! The road is just going to take a bit longer for us than for those who conceive in the first try but really nothing is showing this won't happen to us. We have been pregnant before! ❤️

Catconfusion · 30/10/2019 04:29

Oooh, meant to say @SunStruck the sickness has died down. I still feel a bit nauseous but it's totally manageable. Week 16 now. We saw the midwife and heard the heartbeat yesterday which was special. I definitely feel like my skin and hair are much nicer. At times I just feel normal apart from my big belly so definitely better than the first trimester which as you know was pretty horrendous in my case. Xx

MrsMGE · 30/10/2019 06:38

@SunStruck I would like to have your positive attitude. Reading about this is giving me some light though, so thank you for sharing this, I am really grateful ❤️

Re TTC, I am theoretically the second youngest woman left active on this thread atm, and yet the only one who still hasn't conceived at all since the MMC, even without ERPC. Age really doesn't determine things. I agree with @Catconfusion, unless there is an underlying issue, it's got to be the time needed for our bodies to recover, firstly to get pg and secondly not to miscarry again. Or just good/bad luck. No one really knows, it's the land of what ifs and maybes, hated by so many of us when we're stuck in it. But yeah, I wouldn't say age is that relevant.

Can I just say, I think the guy who made that comment to you is a right d**K! This is not something he or anyone else should ever feel entitled to say. You may have certain impressions about people, but of course a lot of people put a mask on in the professional environment, because they feel they have to, maybe it's to protect themselves, maybe it's easier with clients, maybe most colleagues do and it's the environment that "requires" it. So he may well not know the real you and why did he feel the need to comment?

You know, I used to wear that mask, but after all this, I took it off. I personally conclude now that this isn't healthy long term, and whilst it isn't about walking around and whining about the poor hard done you every day either (the "Meghan Markle syndrome" - she's right, but people take it the wrong way), it is about being yourself. I've embraced now that a lot of bad stuff happened and for me it was better to be open about it to limit the amount of awkward questions and comments from others that would hurt me even more. I think it has worked and actually most people reacted very well and were very supportive. I feel I have bonded with them much better, they've opened up about their personal issues too, and now they (finally?) see me as a human being. I'm not just the senior professional above X people, I am a person who they trust and want to speak to, and dare I say it, like (at least some of them!). We work very well together and admittedly, they are much closer with me and do a lot more for me without any kind of faffing than they do for my male colleagues. I think we've built up this mutual respect because we know what each one is about as a person. I'd never ever not listen to them if they need to go home early because something happened because I know and understand that they struggle having a mum with dementia or a husband dying of cancer. I get it is hard. Equally, they sometimes see I don't want to talk or I could do with a cuppa, and they pause for me, sometimes bringing me a box of tissues or giving me a hug. I never worked like this before, but you know what, it is so much better to be real, I find, and it is still professional. It requires a big change in the culture of the particular business, however xxx

Anny27 · 30/10/2019 09:44

Thank you @SunStruck @MrsMGE

And thinking of you with your op today @ELM7 Flowers

I know of a few of my friends who have had MMC who i have reached out to (both of who now have 2 beautiful DCs) and they have been so supportive.
I am hopeful for the future and hope that we can conceive again soon.

@SunStruck i havent decided if i will temp again. I got quite obsessed and stressed with it when we were ttc but on the other hand it is very accurate and helps me know when i can expect AF or not!

Kiki061190 · 30/10/2019 09:49

@MrsMGE @SunStruck I agree ladies, sometimes we feel like we’re being punished for wanting some stability before having a child. I’m 29 but people would always comment on my handbags etc and say how are you going to cope when you have a child? I’ve worked hard my whole life to buy a home, renovate it and buy myself a few nice things along the way. That doesn’t mean I don’t want children honestly some people! The people who work with me and know me are beyond excited because I’ve always helped them and encouraged them and almost been motherly to them. Also yes the second trimester is so good! I started feeling better week 14. I’m 16 weeks tomorrow and go for my whooping cough jag and flu jag tomorrow morning. I had my midwife app yesterday and she was delighted with my bloods etc and said my bump is measuring to the cm where is should which is nice. The hardest thing about a loss is not know or being in control of when you will get pregnant again, it’s ok to be down and be upset about it. It’s a very real issue we don’t talk about enough, it’s not as easy as everyone thinks. That guy in my work I told you months back told me his partner and him have been trying, they’re still trying. They’re over 6 months with nothing yet. I can see how it’s beginning to effect him, it’s important we support and be there for one another. It’s not all rainbows and roses making a baby. It’s bloody tough work and we’re warriors for getting through what we have! Sorry for the big never ending rant there 😂 I’m just writing all my thoughts!

OP posts:
ELM7 · 30/10/2019 16:19

So back home after a long day. Hospital staff were amazing other than the surgeon unfortunately struggled with her choice of words when she told us twice she’d get me sorted! Just felt an insensitive way of putting things

Glad this step is over now to get my head round things and grieve our losses. Know there will be some tough times ahead

Thank you for the warm welcome. Nice to know but alone and to hear from people who actually do understand how you feel

SunStruck · 01/11/2019 04:50

@MrsMGE @Kiki061190 completely agree with you ladies! It's difficult having to put up a charade at times but I don't work in an environment where I feel comfortable being open about TTC unfortunately. About that comment @MrsMGE** , someone shouted out to me "so when are you going to have kids?!? Not getting any younger!" Across half the office (just in a joking way, it wasn't malicious) and I replied "haha not yet, maybe later". Which lead the other colleague to say he could never imagine me being a mum 🙄 it's fine and I can take it, a lot of men don't think (these are all men).

I feel like my career has slowed down a lot, and I'm unhappy about that. I actually want to change job badly but I've been with my company for 4 years and out here there's no laws about sacking women if they find out about pregnancy (probation is 6 months out here) which is why I've put that on the back burner. I want the security of being somewhere I know my job inside out, doing fairly well and will get a good maternity pay/leave (which is very short btw, 3 months). So I've heard from an ex colleague whom left recently that my boss had said to him that I'm 'safe' because I'm TTC which means that I won't go anywhere. Backstory to this is that we've had A LOT of people leaving my company recently due to poor management.

This made my blood boil! I've decided to book in for a meeting with the boss next week to ask for a promotion, screw it I'm just gonna go for it and see what he says! Technically I'm overdue a promotion, I've brought A LOT of $$$ into the business since I joined. I'm going to lay it out black and white what I have done, why I deserve a promotion and that I'm currently unhappy at work because I feel there's no progression.

It's difficult navigating professional life with TTC and the constantly putting life on hold!

How are you ladies? @MrsMGE are you feeling a bit better and what's you're plan of action?

@Kiki061190 @Catconfusion happy to hear all is well on your end, and well and truly out of the woods! It must be a relief, and I hope you can enjoy the rest of the pregnancy 😊

@ELM7 oh I'm sorry she was so insensitive! I hope you're feeling okay now physically, and look after yourself! Allow time to grieve and heal.

As for me, I'm going to buy a pregnancy test today and maybe do one tomorrow morning just to hopefully get BFP so I can expect my ovulation to kickstart again!

MrsMGE · 01/11/2019 06:54

@Kiki061190 @SunStruck All this comments are massively sexist!!! Imagine anyone coming up to a guy wearing a Ralph Lauren polo and commenting "Ooh, you've SPENT some cash on it, are you not saving up for a family?" or commenting "So when are you going yo be a dad" to a 36 yo man? It's a disgrace. A) It's none of their fucking business. B) Comments like this usually come from men who are trying to make out they are superior to you or from women who have been stuck in this thinking for so long they actually think it's OK to say this and all women should accept this. Rarely from women who are just bitchy and trying to put you down. All three are wrong on sooo many levels! I only had a few comments like this in my life, one was from a bitchy partner of one of DH's friends who hasn't achieved much at all in terms of education, job and frankly isn't a supermodel either, so not sure where her superiority (or rather inferiority?) complex comes from. Anyway, she's 30 and she's been bragging about how she got pg first month of TTC, then didn't have any pg symptoms, just popped her perfect baby girl out in less than 3 hrs and she's now all lovely and healthy, and she (the mother) didn't have any baby weight to lose... At that point I was a bit sick in my mouth. She continued that they don't know if they could afford another because childcare is so expensive (they have two grannies looking after the baby so she doesn't pay anything, went part time and sponges off the state - including my fucking taxes!). And then she went "So, when are you and (my DH) start trying then, time is ticking?". She asked that on the train full of people on my way to work. I gave her an evil stare in the eye and said "When the time is right for us. We both work to provide for our children, and not be reliant on others." Burn. She shouldn't have asked. Three months later I had a miscarriage and she was one of the first ones to come with her condolences. I said "Thank you" and that was it. Never spoke to her since.

The other one was a guy at a networking event who didn't know me and actually looked at my RLL by Lauren as we were standing in a circle sipping on our drinks and said "Oh, no wonder you can afford such handbags, lawyers are so expensive!" and I replied "Yes, no wonder I can afford these handbags, I'm good at my job.". I then asked him about the area I specialise in, very relevant to his business, turns out he didn't have any basic protection in place and yet he was going for a huge investment round. A man with a" distinguished career" in his 50s. Clueless. So he was listening with interest and then started talking to me like to an equal. That was quite visible and funny, I could pinpoint the moment the penny dropped and he's realised there's quite a brain behind my not the worst looking face and he should show some basic human respect instead of being condescending and patronising from the very beginning.

We live in the world where too many people put others down to make themselves feel or look better at someone else's expense, usually because they haven't got anything else to offer. @SunStruck I'll be honest, living in the area where you are and working in this kind of environment would drive me nuts, I just couldn't do it and no money would convince me. How are you actually coping? Is it the same everywhere? If I was you, I'd be going for that promotion and if they don't give it to you, just move somewhere else, regardless of TTC. It doesn't sound like you'd have security or better maternity terms anywhere else regardless of the length of your employment, is that right? You might as well jump ship now and then again in the future, presumably there is more than one competitor you'd consider working for?

MrsMGE · 01/11/2019 07:34

*these not this

@ELM7 I'm glad this part is behind you. You're not alone having to listen to insensitive comments from health professionals, my sonographer told me under the same breath "Sorry this pregnancy will not progress" and "At least you got pregnant quickly" so yes, the understanding and empathy just aren't there. Look after yourself now and take each day as it comes. Xxx