Supposed to be 12 weeks today and having first scan - instead am in the darkest place of my life

[InDreamland]

I just needed to write this down as I'm feeling like my whole world right now has crashed around me.

I've posted similar on other threads about my experience recently.

It's taken DH and I 5 years to concieve (natural conception) and the last 4 years have been so difficult - getting AF every month and a few BFNs when AF was late. Investigations didn't show anything wrong with either of us. It has been so painful having all the comments from pretty much everyone about not having kids etc etc. Then at the end of May we suddenly got the BFP we'd be so desperate and longed to get. It was such a relief.

Cue some anxiety and excitement all at the same time. Only a few people were told because I either needed support or was because they were people who needed to know - my parents and sister, my best mate (she's been on this long journey with me and shares the same pain with TTC), closest work colleague (she has been on a similar journey herself), my boss and gym trainers. I dared to dream about what life would be like with our baby from January. I was planning the people we would tell next week about our happy news but had agreed nothing would go on Facebook as we wanted to keep things as private as we could given our difficult journey and also not wanting to upset anyone who was going through their own fertility challenges like we had been. Knowing how seeing all those announcements made me feel I didn't want to do that to anyone else no matter how close or not I was to them. You don't always know what private battles friends and acquaintances are trying to deal with.

On Tuesday I ended up at the EPU to receive the worst news possible. Have to go back on Tuesday next week to confirm mc (apparently they cannot do it from first scan). The past few days have just been awful and I feel like I'm in the darkest days of my life.

Today I feel even worse. Right now we should be at the hospital about to go into our 12 weeks dating and NT scan. Today I'm supposed to be 12 weeks exactly.

I feel so low like I've never felt low like this before. I'm angry with the world but feel justified in feeling like this. I feel cheated and short changed. Like it is all my fault but I don't know what I've done that is so bad to deserve this. At 38 years old I don't think I'll ever get pregnant again. I can't take anymore comments from people about not having children yet and feeling like I'm being judged. I can't cope with seeing pregnant people, hearing pregnancy or birth announcements. I can no longer do the fake smiles and pretending I'm excited or over the moon for others when inside I'm just dying, screaming and crying. I can't do this anymore.

Sorry for the doom and gloom but just needed to get this down somewhere.

[Botanica]

@Angelina40 my heart goes out to you. It's absolutely horrible isn't it, and these situations cut so deep and make it so much worse. I really feel for you.

I miscarried in April and was back at the fertility clinic this week for another IVF cycle. When I arrived I took a chair in the empty waiting room, and a few minutes later I had a lady and her mum come out of the ultrasound room and sit right down next to me with scan photos everywhere, going on and on and on, about having a girl, what to call it etc, with little awareness of anyone else in the room. It's still all so very raw and this just tipped me over the edge so I had to leave and stand in the corridor sobbing.

I recognise the excitement of seeing your future baby on scan pictures but FFS, it wouldn't hurt to have some tact and sensitivity for others.

You're sat in a fertility clinic, so it's sort of obvious that not everyone is here to get good news... surely???

They sat right down next to me, spilled all the photos out, despite a practically empty room and then gave me the evils when I was obviously upset and had to leave.... I know I sound like a killjoy but it hurt so so much.

I know if I am ever lucky enough to be back in that situation I would be so much more aware of how other people around me might be feeling and what they are going through.

My thoughts are with you and wishing you lots of strength and courage x

[Angelina40]

@botanica I’m sorry i thought I’d wrote you a reply I really hope you get your wish it’s so cruel how these babies are so wanted and people manage to have them who don’t .. I would wish you luck but I’m scared I jinx you ..I obviously haven’t got any luck at the moment. People don’t know what’s going on with other people and to be honest you don’t realise how many people are struggling because it isn’t talked about .. thinking of you xx

[InDreamland]

Thank you @K0013.

It's been a difficult day today. A lot of sobbing. This is so hard, I just want my baby back. I'm supposed to be 22 weeks tomorrow. Life really sucks.

@Angelina40 I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It's so difficult coping with other people's pregnancies when you've just lost your babies that were so loved and wanted. Please take all the time you need to heal emotionally and physically from this. Sending you lots of hugs. I hope you have lots of good support around you. Hope you will some day soon have your healthy baby in your arms and can take them home with you. Do also tell your lost ones that you love them, I still speak to my lost little bean and tell it that mummy loves them, especially every Sunday since I went back to church and light a candle, I have a moment to tell my baby I love it so very much and always will.

@Botanica I'm very sorry you also had to experience that at the clinic. That was incredibly insensitive of them but at the same time maybe they've never experienced your pain and grief and just don't care about others and how they're feeling. Giving evils was bang out of order and just mean. Some people just don't have any compassion. I remember being at the EPU waiting for my scan to confirm the mc , I was already in bits and a girl comes out and starts moaning to her mum and about how inconvenient it was that she had to go back for regular tests because of her blood type throughout her pregnancy and all I thought and wanted to scream was shut the f* up and at least you're still pregnant, my baby is dead! Thankfully I didn't but I could feel my anger and bitterness rising amongst my grief. Some people just have no social skills or discretion knowing where they are and likely others sitting there are grieving.

[Angelina40]

I’m so sorry I really wish I had a magic wand sometimes Xx much love 💕

[InDreamland]

Me too @Angelina40. Wish I could wave a wand so that all those women who would make amazing mothers could have their longed for children and families.

[Angelina40]

@indreamland I’m quite hopeful we will all get our wish someday Xx

[InDreamland]

I really hope that does come true @Angelina40.

I've really struggled the last 2 weeks again and today has been terribly hard. I'm supposed to be 22 weeks pregnant and keep crying. I'm exhausted from the grief. I feel like such a useless disappointment and failure. I've been told that I'm not being punished but I feel like I am being. I think I am being irrational but can't stop myself from being this way. Every week we get closer to Christmas and the due date in January and it hurts so much. I so desperately want to be pregnant again and have a child to bring home but at the same time I cannot replace my little bean that I lost. Sorry I'm rambling.

[Angelina40]

Awww @indreamland I just wanna give u a big hug I am so sorry I can’t take all this pain away for you I don’t want to sound patronising but maybe you could have some counselling .I totally agree with you about replacing your baby you can’t but When your pregnant next time im sure you will feel a lot better about yourself as my mum pointed out to me today everything is working and it will just take time and I think you just need to take some time for yourself and stop putting all this pressure on yourself (also been said to me ) YOU ARE NOT AND I REPEAT NOT a failure you are having a very tough time I don’t know why we have to suffer like this I’ve actually had a hard life and keep thinking what next ?? But I shit u not this is the worst pain along with losing my dad who I hope has my twins with him .. I’ve actually convinced myself he wanted them with him in heaven cause this world is pretty shitty and I’ve got my nephew my husband n my dog n family .. I’ve talked myself into remembering I was happy before I was pregnant so can be happy again eventually.. everything is still very raw your bound to have bad days but you will have good days too ( now who’s rambling) I’m gonna go to sleep before my husband divorces me .. please just remember we are all in the same boat it’s nothing we have done and we don’t deserve it but we will have to be strong and muddle through as best we can Xx 😘

[InDreamland]

Thanks @Angelina40. I am having counselling. Had 3 sessions (get 6 free). Spent whole of my session on Thursday sobbing. I'm sure one day I will cope better. Thank you for your support here, especially when you're going through this yourself. Really hope you get your baby soon x

[Justincase87]

It's been 4 months exactly since I found out our baby had died and I do feel like I'm moving forward, I feel so utterly sad when I think about what's happened, but it's not a constant like it was before - yesterday was hard, I went shopping and there were loads of 'my first Christmas' decorations - I still haven't see our friends who are expecting, but did have cuddles with another friend's little boy, I think it's harder with the ones who are expecting because she is where I should be, and it breaks my heart that our little one didn't survive. We will all get through this and find peace, take one day at a time X

[InDreamland]

@Justincase87 I'm so sorry you have been finding it hard. I understand, I too have statted seeing baby's first Christmas things and feel so sad when I see them. I'm glad though that it is getting easier to cope with. I really hope that one day soon you will have your happy healthy baby

[InDreamland]

It's 10 weeks now since my mc happened and I feel like it was just yesterday. Can remember the physical pain and knowing that was the end of my pregnancy. 5 years of dreams and hopes that were coming true ripped from inside me. Whilst I am "getting on with life" I'm only going through the motions, almost in a daze at times, struggling to focus on things and energy levels are shot. One day soon I really hope DH and I will have our baby but I'm not sure if I have the strength to have more disappointment or heartache.

[Wonkydonkey44]

Op I have been where you are now and at 40 fell pregnant with my daughter . Please don’t give up hope , we had 4 miscarriages before her including a Mmc at 12 weeks . Sending loads of positive thoughts x

[InDreamland]

Thank you @Wonkydonkey44. Sorry for all your losses. It must have such a difficult time. Glad you got your baby eventually. I hear so many stories similar to yours which should give me hope but I always think that I'll be the tiny minority who never get their family.