Supposed to be 12 weeks today and having first scan - instead am in the darkest place of my life

[InDreamland]

I just needed to write this down as I'm feeling like my whole world right now has crashed around me.

I've posted similar on other threads about my experience recently.

It's taken DH and I 5 years to concieve (natural conception) and the last 4 years have been so difficult - getting AF every month and a few BFNs when AF was late. Investigations didn't show anything wrong with either of us. It has been so painful having all the comments from pretty much everyone about not having kids etc etc. Then at the end of May we suddenly got the BFP we'd be so desperate and longed to get. It was such a relief.

Cue some anxiety and excitement all at the same time. Only a few people were told because I either needed support or was because they were people who needed to know - my parents and sister, my best mate (she's been on this long journey with me and shares the same pain with TTC), closest work colleague (she has been on a similar journey herself), my boss and gym trainers. I dared to dream about what life would be like with our baby from January. I was planning the people we would tell next week about our happy news but had agreed nothing would go on Facebook as we wanted to keep things as private as we could given our difficult journey and also not wanting to upset anyone who was going through their own fertility challenges like we had been. Knowing how seeing all those announcements made me feel I didn't want to do that to anyone else no matter how close or not I was to them. You don't always know what private battles friends and acquaintances are trying to deal with.

On Tuesday I ended up at the EPU to receive the worst news possible. Have to go back on Tuesday next week to confirm mc (apparently they cannot do it from first scan). The past few days have just been awful and I feel like I'm in the darkest days of my life.

Today I feel even worse. Right now we should be at the hospital about to go into our 12 weeks dating and NT scan. Today I'm supposed to be 12 weeks exactly.

I feel so low like I've never felt low like this before. I'm angry with the world but feel justified in feeling like this. I feel cheated and short changed. Like it is all my fault but I don't know what I've done that is so bad to deserve this. At 38 years old I don't think I'll ever get pregnant again. I can't take anymore comments from people about not having children yet and feeling like I'm being judged. I can't cope with seeing pregnant people, hearing pregnancy or birth announcements. I can no longer do the fake smiles and pretending I'm excited or over the moon for others when inside I'm just dying, screaming and crying. I can't do this anymore.

Sorry for the doom and gloom but just needed to get this down somewhere.

[InDreamland]

Had my first counselling session yesterday. It was more of a getting to know me and understand what happened and how I feel and what I'm struggling with session. Gpt next one in 3 weeks. Hopefully that seasion will be more helpful.

I'm still crying a lot, can't seem to have a conversation with many people without starting to cry.

I'm supposed to be 16 weeks today. Feel so empty. All I want to do is curl up in bed.

[MrsGriff8]

So sorry OP, it's still horrible isn't it. I'm glad you were able to go, hopefully it'll soon start to help you. Thinking of you

[InDreamland]

Thanks @MrsGriff8. I hope you are coping as well as we can given the situation we're in. Life really does suck.

I was saying yesterday to some people that I know I have a lot to be grateful for and I'm not ungrateful for them but it's this baby that I love so much that I'm grieving for and have wanted for 5 years and to have it ripped away from me is just too painful. I feel so robbed amd cheated and like there's no justice or fairness in the world.

[Pegs11]

Hi InDreamland, I'm so very sorry for your loss. They say time is a great healer.... I'm more of the opinion that time makes things easier to bear. All of your current feelings - the despair, hopelessness, guilt, fear etc - are normal and I think it's healthy that you are feeling them, it is all part of your way of processing this.

You are right, there isn't much justice of fairness in the world... and if you rely on those things existing, you will always be disappointed. What I think is this: Things just are the way they are, and the question to ask isn't "why did this happen to me", but "what can I do with this experience?" But you don't need to ask that right now. You are still processing the shock.

Everything we go through, the good, the bad and the ugly, moves us along in our life in one way or another. Every crazy experience we have reveals more to us about what it means to be human. It's not to punish us or single us out, it's not because we are special or different somehow... it is just the human experience.

This will shape you in ways you cannot yet foresee. Go with the flow and let it 'do its thing'. One day you will find answers. I predict that they will just be very different from the questions you are asking now. Take care xxx

[keebo]

Hi InDreamLand, I've just read your experience on here, I'm so sorry for how you've been feeling. I've just had my 2nd MC on Thursday, my first was in April and a couple of weeks afterwards my beloved Granny died. 2018 has sucked so far but I've learned a few things about grief. Two things have helped me, perhaps they'll help you too.
At my Granny's funeral the shortest reading had the most impact: Grief is just love with nowhere to go. For me, seeing my grief (for both the unborn baby, now babies, and Granny) as love, enabled me to view the feeling in a much more positive light. Who doesn't want their heart filled with love?
Secondly was a theory of grief (I don't know where I read about this or I'd send a link, I hope my explanation is clear). Imagine your life as a circle drawn on a piece of paper. When grief hits, it consumes that whole circle - and doesn't it? That circle, your life consumed by grief (which we should really call love), never changes, instead time means your life builds on outside the circle and you start creating a new, bigger circle around the outside. At times, due dates, anniversaries, your life will shrink back to the size of the consumed circle (but will expand again in time). I find this idea of expanding life rather than shrinking grief/love (which other theories seem to suggest) is important because continuing your life isn't diminishing the life that wasn't, and certainly doesn't make it any less important. Instead, the grief/love remains as an acknowledgement of who is no longer with us but our own life must also continue. It's an effort to build the larger circle though, that's for sure. This week my achievements in this have been getting home from holiday (yes, my MC was whilst being away, thankfully within the UK), making dinner and picking some over-ripe cucumbers. Small steps! Today I'm going to try doing some washing (both of me and clothes) and buying a house-warming gift for a friend.

I don't know if either of these ideas will help you but if they don't, there will be others that do. Keep going, that's the only way to find a happy ending - and there will be one.

[InDreamland]

@Pegs11 thank you for your lovely comment. I know what you say is true and as time goes on I'll feel it. I hope I will feel stronger as time goes on.

@keebo I'm so so sorry for your losses, I cannot even begin to imagine how it must feel. Your words though about grief and love are an amazing way of looking at our losses. Thank you! I hope that for you each day the small steps become bigger ones and you find the strength to cope with your experience.

I am finding some comfort each Sunday for the past few weeks when i light a candle in church for my baby - I feel so much closer to him/her. I still cry and feel my heart is so heavy but one day i hope that I can embrace life again.

[kiwiblue]

Hi InDreamland, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. You sound incredibly brave. You are doing so well.

I had a very similar experience to you. Years of TTC, a MMC right before my 12 week scan. I struggled hugely. I had counselling (I see you are doing that too), I found it did help a lot. I also think it's good you've been open with people where possible so you can get support.

I did get pregnant again, only two months after the miscarriage, which I was very surprised by, and I had my now DS. And it really had been years with absolutely no success before the MC.

I'm thinking of you and wishing you strength in this very difficult time.

[duvetfan]

I am so sorry for your loss. Please, please do not blame yourself. I beat myself up as I went out and got very drunk not knowing I was pg, I had a mc at 7 weeks. The bottom fell out of our world. We did recover and luckily had DS1. I then lost another pg at 7 weeks and it hit me like a train as I had been 'good'. I only then let myself realise it was not my fault. A lot of pregnancies mc in the first 12 weeks and most of us will never know why but it not your fault. Cry, eat chocolate do whatever you can to try and ease the hurt but it is awful and you need to be kind to yourself and take the time you need to grieve and that is different for everyone. You will get through this but it won't doesn't feel like that now.

[InDreamland]

@kiwiblue and @duvetfan thank you foe sharing your stories - I'm really sorry for your losses but nice to hear you have your DS's.

I am really feeling so messed up at the moment. I'm normally super organised and on the ball. I've only gone and double booked us for some things next weekend. I feel like such a complete total loser and useless idiot. I'm angry with myself and just fed up and hate the fact I can't even organise myself properly. I'm just not thinking straight or functioning properly. Biggest failure that walked the earth.

[duvetfan]

You are far from being a failure, you are a woman grieving. You don't need to be super woman. The fact that you are even thinking about next week shows how strong and brave you are being. I took a week off with my first mc as I was a mess, I could not have left the house. Second time I kept going and I wish I hadn't, I was still grief stricken when I fell pregnant with DS2 and I tortured myself at what should have been a wonderful time. Give yourself whatever time you need. The problem is we never talk about miscarriage and as a woman you feel like you are responsible as you are the one carrying. Please don't be harsh on yourself, you are doing so well but it isn't going to feel that to you at the moment.

[InDreamland]

Thank you @duvetfan. I just feel so much pressure to be back to normal to "forget" if I can engage in some sort of distraction and I'm really struggling with it. I don't know how everyone else on here had coped and managed to get back to normal routine. Having so little time off for you must have been so difficult - I have 4 weeks in total off. Then last week wasn't effective at all and worked from home all week as couldn't face the office and sobbed every day - often when on the phone or straight after a call. I've just had another breakdown after writing my last post. I'm tired but struggle to sleep properly. Are others who've been through this still wrecked like me 4 weeks after miscarrying and 5 weeks after finding out their baby has died?

I feel like I'm in some smoky dark universe going through motions like I'm not really there. It's like a horrible nightmare i just can't wake up from.

[InDreamland]

Barely slept last night and now sitting on a train waiting to leave (1.5 hour fast train out of London) to get to a meeting in another part of the country. First time I'll be seeing some of my colleagues in a month since I've been off work and I feel so tearful and sick. I don't think I can do this.

Why has this happened to me? Why does this happen at all?

[duvetfan]

Sorry I have no access to mumsnet in work, it's blocked. How did your day go? It's so hard. Honestly I still cry thinking about it and then I feel ridiculous because I have been lucky enough to have 2 ds which I by no means take for granted. It sucks that it happens at all and its worse when you don't know why because you just want answers. It's so common, you are not alone but that doesn't make it easier as you feel so isolated and can't work out why. You have a lot of hormones which will also be making it all the more intense. Maybe talk to your GP, mine was very understanding and gave me a lot of support.

[kiwiblue]

What you're feeling is completely normal. You're grieving and it is very hard. It feels so unfair, especially when you've waited years for this. What helped me the most was counselling and opening up to family members and friends. MC is very common but not talked about, which means that when you are going through it you feel so alone. How was your day?

[InDreamland]

Thanks @duvetfan and @kiwiblue - it's so sad that you have also experienced this but at the same time grateful there are people out there who get what I feel and think. Today was hard - apparently I came across fine but guess I managed to hide how terrible I feel. I just didn't want to be there, didn't feel like laughing along with everyone else. The journey home was torture. There was a pregnant woman sitting opposite me on the tube carriage all the way to my stop - just feel like the universe is rubbing it in my face and saying look at what you are incapable of doing like I'm just being taunted. As soon as I got in my front door I just sat on the floor in the hallway and cried.

I just want my baby back!

[duvetfan]

Well I think you should give yourself a huge pat on the back that you made it through the meetings and that you came across fine. That is a huge achievement in your situation. I found the pregnant women/women with babies hard to handle. With my first I'd had to sit into the scan room which was in a sectioned off part of the hospital that did the 20+week scans, I was losing my baby and they were all heavily pregnant and some had children with them. I had 2 colleagues who both announced pregnancies at the exact same time I was miscarrying. I remember only too well how bloody painful it was, I was happy for them but devastated for me. It does get easier, it takes time, I don't think it ever goes away. Even though I was pregnant when my due date for my miscarried pregnancies came round I still felt very sad and bereft. It takes time to heal and what you are feeling is totally normal. Take each day as it comes and try and armour yourself for when people make thoughtless but well meaning platitudes.

[InDreamland]

Oh @duvetfan that just sounds so awful what you went through. I remember feeling so sick when ladies came out of their scan saying loudly that everything was just perfect whilst I'd lost mine, I just is like a kick in the teeth and rubbing salt in open wounds. Pregnancy announcements and seeing pregnant women killed me whilst I was TTC for 5 years and now it's a million times worse. I'm hoping counselling will help me with how to deal with the unhelpful comments and insensitive questions.

[duvetfan]

Thank you InDreamLand it was hard but it got better. I haven't had your journey though, we were only TTC for 18 months, I think part of the grief is also based on the fact that, like you, I lost my first pregnancy. It leaves you with so many questions as well as the gnawing pain. After the first mc I wanted to wait to try again as I was too afraid that I'd go through it again and was terrified. I'm sure counselling will help but again it will take time. You have had a long and so far painful journey but remember that you will get through it and mumsnet is great support and even though I mostly lurked, knowing I wasn't the only one made it a little easier, as much as anything can.

[InDreamland]

@duvetfan how long it took you to concieve doesn't make it any harder or easier, it was still your first much wanted and loved baby. Like you were I'm also scared of another mc even if I ever do get pregnant again which I'm not confident will ever happen. I can't cope with the pain of being unable again to get pregnant or if I miraculously do then having another mc.

I just want my baby back right now. Today was supposed to be my 16 week midwife appointment so feeling super sad again.

[InDreamland]

I'm still having nightmares and waking up anxious. Told someone who offered to talk of I wanted to that I'm finding it better at the moment to only talk to those who have actually experienced what I have and actually lost a baby. Hope she didn't take it the wrong way but I cannot listen to more of the same unhelpful comments which are well meant but actually upset me more because people just don't understand what I'm going through. This really is like grief I've never felt before and it's all consuming.

I've gotta face the tube again today, going to have to keep my head down so I don't see any pregnant women otherwise I will be a wreck.

[AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight]

I'm sorry to read this, InDreamland. Life has been very cruel to you

I've had six mcs and reacted differently to each. A couple of them left me feeling very bleak, much as you describe (though I should add that I have been lucky enough to have had three children interspersed with the mcs, so haven't experience the cruelty you have- the last run of three mcs before my third baby was difficult at times, though). Like all grief, the nature of it changes, and the intensity, even if it doesn't 'go away' (that's too simplistic an idea IME).

[InDreamland]

@AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight thank you for sharing your story with me, so many mc's is so sad. You must be very strong to have coped with so many and to carry those memories around with you. Glad though that you have been blessed with 3 DC.

I am so desperate to have even one DC, well I do but my baby is in heaven rather than with us here.

I went back to the office today and I just couldn't cope. Barely did any work, spent much of the morning in the ladies crying then a couple of my colleagues coaxed me out and took me out for some air. Hated every second at work. Doesn't help that everywhere I go on my commute to and from work there's pregnant women and prams and babies.

I just feel like an emotional wreck and it's embarrassing.

[InDreamland]

Today was another difficult day. Why is it that everywhere I turn there seem to be pregnant women everywhere?! It's really like I'm being mocked and tortured. Thankfully I've managed to not cry in public but it's so hard. Tomorrow I should be 17 weeks. My poor little baby couldn't make it even when they were so loved and wanted by mummy and daddy - I miss my baby so much even when I was only nearing the end of my first trimester when I had the mc. I keep thinking about the plans I had made in my head for our baby. Everyone who's said this will always stay with me is right, I mean I know I'm only 4 weeks and 3 days post mc but I just know this will always be with me and I'm a different person now.

[InDreamland]

I'm definitely better when I'm hiding at home still. My bad days are when I see people. Wish I could just hide away forever. I am just still not feeling like I can cope and go out without feeling tearful and uncomfortable.

I think AF has arrived today but it's very very light ..........mixed emotions ..........

[Justincase87]

I'm so sorry you're still struggling - it's been almost 3 months for me and I still struggle - I feel like I should be over it by now, but I'm not, and all I want is to get pregnant again, but then if I do I can't imagine carrying a baby to term, I feel so stuck.

Tomorrow we have to go and see friends who told us a month ago they are expecting - I have no idea how I'm going to cope watching her bump grow and knowing that my baby should have been growing up with theirs.

I wish I had some answers for you, but at the moment I'm just getting through each day, it's tough and I'm scared I'll never move forward, but I have a small amount of hope I'm clinging on to. You're not alone x