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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Supposed to be 12 weeks today and having first scan - instead am in the darkest place of my life

214 replies

InDreamland · 13/07/2018 10:00

I just needed to write this down as I'm feeling like my whole world right now has crashed around me.

I've posted similar on other threads about my experience recently.

It's taken DH and I 5 years to concieve (natural conception) and the last 4 years have been so difficult - getting AF every month and a few BFNs when AF was late. Investigations didn't show anything wrong with either of us. It has been so painful having all the comments from pretty much everyone about not having kids etc etc. Then at the end of May we suddenly got the BFP we'd be so desperate and longed to get. It was such a relief.

Cue some anxiety and excitement all at the same time. Only a few people were told because I either needed support or was because they were people who needed to know - my parents and sister, my best mate (she's been on this long journey with me and shares the same pain with TTC), closest work colleague (she has been on a similar journey herself), my boss and gym trainers. I dared to dream about what life would be like with our baby from January. I was planning the people we would tell next week about our happy news but had agreed nothing would go on Facebook as we wanted to keep things as private as we could given our difficult journey and also not wanting to upset anyone who was going through their own fertility challenges like we had been. Knowing how seeing all those announcements made me feel I didn't want to do that to anyone else no matter how close or not I was to them. You don't always know what private battles friends and acquaintances are trying to deal with.

On Tuesday I ended up at the EPU to receive the worst news possible. Have to go back on Tuesday next week to confirm mc (apparently they cannot do it from first scan). The past few days have just been awful and I feel like I'm in the darkest days of my life.

Today I feel even worse. Right now we should be at the hospital about to go into our 12 weeks dating and NT scan. Today I'm supposed to be 12 weeks exactly.

I feel so low like I've never felt low like this before. I'm angry with the world but feel justified in feeling like this. I feel cheated and short changed. Like it is all my fault but I don't know what I've done that is so bad to deserve this. At 38 years old I don't think I'll ever get pregnant again. I can't take anymore comments from people about not having children yet and feeling like I'm being judged. I can't cope with seeing pregnant people, hearing pregnancy or birth announcements. I can no longer do the fake smiles and pretending I'm excited or over the moon for others when inside I'm just dying, screaming and crying. I can't do this anymore.

Sorry for the doom and gloom but just needed to get this down somewhere.

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fudge2018 · 02/08/2018 23:10

Hello everyone. New here and feeling terrible. 42 and tried getting pregnant just under a year. fell pregnant and should be 11-12 weeks now. was diagnosed with diabetes and also have thyroid complication so was under extra watch by consultant and midwife. had EPU scan today and informed baby size is 5.5 weeks and have a follow up scan on 9/8... told to be prepared for bad news. In shock earlier and tears ... and now i’m absorbing the information ... i’m sure this means my baby has stopped growing or isn’t growoh my gosh enough. i’m devasted. OH is very supportive. still... i feel so old and exhausted from this ... i feel like i’ll never be mum. any advise please?

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fudge2018 · 02/08/2018 23:15

I’m so sorry for your loss. i’m going through something similar. please don’t blame yourself. i’m racking my brains out thinking what i did or didn’t do. it’s exhausting. but i know i love my little baby to bits and so do you. i liked the idea someone else gave to take a break and another to be kinder to yourself.

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InDreamland · 03/08/2018 09:51

I'll be phoning counselling today @WooYa as I really need to talk through all these crazy thoughts and emotions going through my mind. I've got a good friend visiting me today too. I'm just so tired still and think it is the impact of all my emotions as I'm having crazy dreams still which I think are my anxieties from the mc and the 5 years TTC. The waiting isn't helping. I think DH dies prefer to keep it in, he had a really tough time growing up and don't think he talked much about it to people. Even now he tells me stuff from his childhood that I'd not heard before and in all honesty I just really feel for him and amazed how he managed to grow up so level headed and lovely and he is so strong but I'm worried this could be the thing that breaks him.

@fudge2018 I'm so so sorry you find yourself here. It's just an awful thing for anyone to go through. At this time nothing I can say can help or make you feel better because it's so raw and you'll be going through so many emotions which you will need to work through in your own time and pace - this is what I'm learning from this experience, it's a super shit time. In all honesty I will never be the person i used to be again, I was a mother from the moment I saw my BFP and loved my baby so much, that will never leave me. Sounds like you are feeling similar and trying to process everything which is going to take time, you will have very dark days and up days, please make sure you get the support you need at you go through this. MN has been amazing for support. I absolutely understand your anxieties about never having a baby to bring home, it took us 5 years to get pregnant so I'm also finding it hard to believe it'll ever happen for us. When you're ready look into getting counselling so you can talk through everything with a professional. Sending you virtual hugs Flowers

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fudge2018 · 03/08/2018 10:32

big hugs to you too. Had tomphoke in sick at work today ... could not face anyone at risk of breaking down in the office x

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InDreamland · 03/08/2018 11:31

@fudge2018 you definitely need to take all the time you need to heal physically and emotionally. Unless someone had been through a mc themselves they will have no idea of the grief you are suffering and even those who have been through it may have forgotten the intensity of the grief of they've moved on now and maybe now have all their babies - as I experienced. I've been off for 4 weeks now and absoutely dreading going back to work next week as I'm still crying and I know as soon as I speak to anyone I'm just going to break down. I've called the counselling service but no answer so left them a message. Hoping to hear back from them today as I'm getting more and more anxious. Make sure you do take it easy and do what you need to do x

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InDreamland · 03/08/2018 14:51

So I am supposed to be 15 weeks today. 3 weeks since I started this thread. I still feel incredibly sad but think I have made some progress - I've left the house even if I hide behind massive sunnies so I don't have to make eye contact with anyone and feel safer hiding, I've walked out (having left the house), gone back to church, organised a few bits at home and feel like I'd achieved something, responded to friends and colleagues and told a few more people about our loss. I feel like I've climbed a mountain ............lots more bigger mountains to climb and biggest hurdles yet to come.

I had a response from the counselling service and I should get a call on Monday, they're just allocating a counsellor to me.

I have a friend popping round for a visit and enjoy the sun in my garden this afternoon for a few hours and then I'm going to my sister's for dinner.

I still want to cry a lot and still am in shock that I no longer have our baby inside me. I'm still angry and feel life is unfair. When you try to be a good person and do everything right then for this to happen I just can't understand why I am being put through this hell. I hope by the end of the year I will feel more strong.........ready to try and cope with the due date..........25th January.

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WooYa · 04/08/2018 13:38

You're amazing! You've come so far in these 3 weeks and (even though I'm a complete stranger and it's a bit oddHmm) I'm so very proud of you.
Be angry! You're allowed to. Make sure you (and DH) feel your feelings and talk through them. DH might find it easier to talk to you when you've got through the worse, like I've said before, he might not want to add to your emotions. Always try and give him openings where he can talk to you openly and freely.
For little beans due date... pick a lovely spot, light a candle, release a balloon with a loving message attached.
You've made it this far, you will make it further x

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InDreamland · 04/08/2018 21:19

Thanks @WooYa. I've still had a little cry a couple of times since last night but at least I'm sort of doing some more normal daily routine things. Returning to work will be the big test, I'm so so so anxious about it. I'm still having strange dreams and wake up anxious/upset but I guess that is normal. I just feel so sad and hate seeing pregnant women and babies because I feel so sad, jealous, angry and cheated/robbed. It's just so painful seeing everything I've lost. I don't think I will ever recover from this and be able to cope with seeing pregnant women and babies without feeling this way. I'll eventually get back to regular life but it's empty and unfulfilled.

DH has said he still feels sad. Breaks my heart. I will definitely organise something special on the due date.

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InDreamland · 05/08/2018 23:34

I've crashed again today, cried this morning and tonight. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and is such a painful journey. Today I found out more people I know or am connected to have had mc's, some multiple mc's and it makes me more scared for the future, a childess future because I'm sure I'm going to never be able to get pregnant again or if I miraculously do won't be able to carry full term.

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bluemoonchances · 06/08/2018 00:01

It sounds like you're really struggling OP to come to terms with both your MC and also a potential childless future. You've been TTC for a few years so I won't patronise you and ask if you e had all the fertility tests and treatment etc. In infertility there is a thread called Uber barrens which is for people who have TTC for years, had MC and are facing childless futures. Feel free to join us in there if you need support from a group of women who really do understand. Xx

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GrumbleBumble · 06/08/2018 00:08

Flowers oh sweetheart please be kind to yourself. This is not your fault, shitty, crappy things happen to lovely people. Crackheads and smackheads get beautiful perfect babies. Life is hard on some of us. Your posts have taken me back to my miscarriage after years of trying. The physical pain wasn't too bad but God the emotional hurt. I think I snarled at the poor woman doing the scan when she gave me a sympathy smile and "I see lots of women here and the next time I see most of them they are having a healthy pregnancy" talk. It took me many years and lots of treatment to get pregnant again but when I did that one stuck in there all the way - dragged out by C-section at 42+4. Have an unMN hug.

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InDreamland · 06/08/2018 17:32

@bluemoonchances thank you, I may pop along soon. So sorry you're on here too, it's just the shittiest club to be in but full of the lovelist supportive ladies.

@GrumbleBumble thank you too for understanding, it's so so hard and feel it's the ladies on MN who are really feeling what I do although there are a couple of people I know who have had multiple MCs/fertility issues and know the pain. It's exactly what you said that I'm finding hard (on top of the grief) - how is it fair that bad things happen to nice people but yet shitheads and crackheads get healthy babies? I just cannot get my head around it, there is no logic and flies in the face of sense. It's lovely that you finally got your DC!

So I returned to work today but hid at home to start gently catching up. Managed to still break down in tears twice! How am I supposed to be able to go back into the office when I'm like this? I feel so pathetic and weak. I'm such a loser. I have now been allocated a counsellor but have to wait up to 2 days for her to contact me and arrange our first session.

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Azra12 · 06/08/2018 17:38

So sorry to hear of your loss, it is in no way your fault so please don’t blame yourself
Flowers Look after yourself

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Botanica · 06/08/2018 17:49

I've been here too, a similar situation, lost my first baby at 11 weeks in April after multiple IVF rounds. I'm 40 and feel exactly the same about it not happening again in the future. I feel like that was my chance and now it's gone.

I wanted to post to let you know you're not alone in feeling this way. The grief is devastating and raw. Four months on there's not a day I don't wake up feeling the pain of missing that hopeful joy of what life was going to be like and wondering if I can get through another dark day.

But you do. You keep fighting and you keep trying. That's the only way to keep the dream alive and make it a reality. The grief is agonising but somehow we have to find our way through.

Wishing you lots of strength and courage.

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minmooch · 06/08/2018 18:33

You will get there. You will find purpose and meaning and love and laughter again, I promise you. It just takes time. A whole lot of grieving. And time. I e had multiple losses, still birth of twins and lost my son aged 18 from cancer. You think you will die at times from the grief. You cant imagine how people survive such pain. But you do. I'm 4 and half years down the line from losing my son. He will forever be missed. His life, my life. For me it's finding a new way of life. But I am doing it. Because there's no other choice really.

But it takes a whole heap of time. You need to be gentle on yourself. You need to tell others to allow you to grieve in your own way.

I use my thread in bereavement as a diary. To get my thoughts out so they don't go round and round my head. When I read back I see how far I've come.

There's nothing else but time that will help you and the love and support of those closest to you.

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WooYa · 06/08/2018 19:39

Stop being so hard on yourself @InDreamland ! You started work - that's great. If you don't go to the office - the world isn't going to end. You're still grieving and processing everything so be kinder to yourself. You're doing amazing Flowers
Try not to worry too much about the future. There's no reason why you can't have a baby. You need to live for now and get through this. You just need patience x

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InDreamland · 06/08/2018 21:48

Thanks @Azra12, I can't seem to help felling this way at the moment but hopefully by next year I'll be in a better place emotionally.

@Botanica I'm so sorry for your loss, it's so sad. Thank you for sharing your story too, it's so hard dealing with both sub-fertility and then losing a baby. Hope you get a BFP and healthy full term pregnancy soon.

@minmooch I'm so sorry for your losses. It's so terribly heartbreaking you've been through this. As someone I know said, you never get over it. I'm also using my thread here too help me get everything down and so grateful for a the support from everyone.

Thanks @WooYa. I thought I'd done so well to start work again but it's just the breaking down in tears and not being able to control it that's worrying me. I can't be doing that in the office but I know I will end up sobbing. I do believe that all the emotions and upset that have built up over the past 5 years have just exploded. Hopefully once I start counselling I can get help with that.

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MrsGriff8 · 07/08/2018 08:40

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I found mn and this thread the day I too was diagnosed with mmc. I haven't felt ready to post until now but wanted to say how brave and inspiring you and other ladies posting on here are.

I'm also finding my 'progress' hasn't been linear like I'd hoped and each time I think I'm doing better (going back to work etc) it backfires. Be kind to yourself, as hard as it it right now. Grief is unpredictable.

Thinking of you Flowers

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InDreamland · 07/08/2018 17:31

I'm so so sorry you find yourself here too @MrsGriff8. Sorry for your loss. It's so awful isn't it. I only keep posting on here because although it's on the www I feel it's my safe space because it's anonymous. I need an outlet to say how I really feel, especially when I'm just so low. Hopefully I will get some counselling starting soon which fingers crossed helps.

I too am up and down, one minute I feel like I can function like normal but then the next I'm breaking down in tears. Broke down 3 times today so far, should take shares out in Kleenex. I am supposed to try going into the office tomorrow but not sure how I can keep it together - I just don't want to be sobbing in front of everyone.

All I want is my baby back. I'm supposed to be 15+4 amd instead I'm empty. All the talk from people I know about how I did actually manage to (finally) get pregnant amd I will have a baby one day is not helping. I want this baby back! Then I want "getting pregnant again" to be our second living baby. I know loads of people have their happily ever after stories and rainbow babies but I just do not believe I will be so blessed or lucky.

I really wish I wasn't in such a miserable situation.

I really hope you heal faster than me @MrsGriff8 because this is so horrible.

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1sttimeunicorn · 07/08/2018 18:10

Dear @InDreamland
I just wanted to say you aren’t alone. You have experienced a monumental loss. But it’s not and doesn’t have to be the end of your journey.
It took me several painful years and I lost 3 previous babies before my DS was born. He’s now 15 months.
I also went through the feeling a failure thing in every aspect of my life. I fell into depression and sought counselling. I felt bitter towards everyone I knew who was pregnant or had a child.
The thing is, unless you have been through miscarriage, you don’t understand it. I met some wonderful women through mumsnet who had all experience the same. Our ages ranged from 28 to 45. We had all had recurrent miscarriages, some had lost IVF babies also.
All of us now have babies.
Some have two.

You can and you will get through this.
Flowers

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MrsGriff8 · 07/08/2018 18:57

@InDreamland I know what you mean, DH and I tried for almost 5 years before this and couple of people have said 'At least you know you can now. Just try again'. I know they mean well but that's so not the point Sad

@1sttimeunicorn I'm so glad you were able to have your DS after all the heartache. I know what you mean, it's a different kind of pain that you only know when you know. It's good to hear that it can happen Flowers

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InDreamland · 07/08/2018 23:17

Thanks for sharing your story and understanding @1sttimeunicorn. I'm so close to telling people who clearly don't understand what I have gone through, not just the mc but the 5 years of disappointment not getting pregnant, then tell me all kinds of things or try to give me helpful advice or tell me what to do - to shut up but that will just mean I lose friends or alienate myself at work. I know people mean well as @MrsGriff8 says but they just don't get that they're actually making me feel worse not better. I'm so pleased you have your baby now, it's nice to hear how others who have gone through similar have their happy ending.

@MrsGriff8 how do you deal with or cope with people who say that? I'm so close to saying something that's going to make me very unpopular.

Starting counselling on Thursday, first session booked. I really really hope it will help me.

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MrsGriff8 · 08/08/2018 00:24

@InDreamland I don't deal with it as such, just passed over it and not responded. I figured that the couple of people who've said it have been trying in their own way to be comforting, and even though I wanted to snap back it wouldn't help me in the long term. In our case we didn't tell many people about the pregnancy in the first place, so there's been less conversation about it than some people end up having. I'm not sure if that's good or bad!

I agree that some kind of counselling may help. I've been thinking the same. I hope it helps you get some peace

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InDreamland · 08/08/2018 07:47

@MrsGriff8 that's what I'm kinda trying to do at the moment, jusy not really responding too much to what they say. Guess that is what i need to continue trying to do. Maybe counselling will give me some techniques to use that help me control my emotions better. Very few people knew about the pregnancy but have told quite a few about the mc. Some people at work were told after the mc what happened as they were all contacting me and needed space so my manager explained and said i need space which is why I wasn't responding to them. Then I told a few friends that I knew would be supportive.

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InDreamland · 08/08/2018 23:43

Another day, another load of grief and anxiety.

Anxious that I can't seem to get myself to function "normally" at work and feeling guilty for the time I had off even though I know I really needed it.

Then this evening decided to do quick review of part of our finances to try distract my mind and as interest rates rose affecting our mortgage (not negatively I might add as we overpay and so monthly repayments gone down - only positive thing since mc) but of course all that happened was I ended up thinking again about what could have been ............because last time I did a finances review was only 6 weeks ago to double check if needed to save any more for maternity leave, then how much baby stuff like prams and cots etc would cost and whether we could still afford to overpay the mortgage when little bean arrived. Just had such a sad stabbing feeling that it's all gone. All that excited planning had just be ripped up.

Everything I do that is a "normal" activity all I think is how different it would have been if baby was actually still alive and inside me. Somehow I link everything to baby.

Sad

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