Supposed to be 12 weeks today and having first scan - instead am in the darkest place of my life

[InDreamland]

I just needed to write this down as I'm feeling like my whole world right now has crashed around me.

I've posted similar on other threads about my experience recently.

It's taken DH and I 5 years to concieve (natural conception) and the last 4 years have been so difficult - getting AF every month and a few BFNs when AF was late. Investigations didn't show anything wrong with either of us. It has been so painful having all the comments from pretty much everyone about not having kids etc etc. Then at the end of May we suddenly got the BFP we'd be so desperate and longed to get. It was such a relief.

Cue some anxiety and excitement all at the same time. Only a few people were told because I either needed support or was because they were people who needed to know - my parents and sister, my best mate (she's been on this long journey with me and shares the same pain with TTC), closest work colleague (she has been on a similar journey herself), my boss and gym trainers. I dared to dream about what life would be like with our baby from January. I was planning the people we would tell next week about our happy news but had agreed nothing would go on Facebook as we wanted to keep things as private as we could given our difficult journey and also not wanting to upset anyone who was going through their own fertility challenges like we had been. Knowing how seeing all those announcements made me feel I didn't want to do that to anyone else no matter how close or not I was to them. You don't always know what private battles friends and acquaintances are trying to deal with.

On Tuesday I ended up at the EPU to receive the worst news possible. Have to go back on Tuesday next week to confirm mc (apparently they cannot do it from first scan). The past few days have just been awful and I feel like I'm in the darkest days of my life.

Today I feel even worse. Right now we should be at the hospital about to go into our 12 weeks dating and NT scan. Today I'm supposed to be 12 weeks exactly.

I feel so low like I've never felt low like this before. I'm angry with the world but feel justified in feeling like this. I feel cheated and short changed. Like it is all my fault but I don't know what I've done that is so bad to deserve this. At 38 years old I don't think I'll ever get pregnant again. I can't take anymore comments from people about not having children yet and feeling like I'm being judged. I can't cope with seeing pregnant people, hearing pregnancy or birth announcements. I can no longer do the fake smiles and pretending I'm excited or over the moon for others when inside I'm just dying, screaming and crying. I can't do this anymore.

Sorry for the doom and gloom but just needed to get this down somewhere.

Sometimes there just are no answers.

I was fortunate to have 2 DS with my first husband. With my second husband we had 8 miscarriages and lost twins at 21 weeks. No answers. We were just unlucky.

Then my eldest son died from cancer at aged 18.

None of that happened because I was bad, or didn't do enough. We beat ourselves up. You have enough to grieve without blaming yourself.

Be gentle on yourself. Be kind to yourself. Grieve the loss of your little one. Although it seems impossible now you will find your way through.

I am so sorry you are going through this OP
I had a MMC and after trying to conceive for 5 years. It was devastating and like you I thought I will never be happy and hated seeing pregnant women. By that time we have gone through one failed IVF cycle too. I thought I will never be a mother. Please take care of your self. I binged watch a TV show and cried for several months. Just let others know when they ask and I find MC happen to lot of ppl but they never speak about it unless you tell them. Time is a great healer and you would be able to think about it feel sad about it but not cry uncontrollably. When I got pregnant with my daughter I didn’t know and drank a lot and went on a desert tour on a camel’s back when we were on holiday. I was terrified when I found out about the pregnancy.

Thanks @toasterstrudle @minmooch and @Lokki. I'm so sorry for your losses too, it's so sad. I am trying and have forced myself to go to the gym again but I have cried on the way home both times. I can't help feeling so inadequate and like I've failed. It's nice to read the stories of others who've been through similar and then had successful pregnancies but I just don't believe I'll be so blessed. It's good though to know otgers also took a while to not cry anymore. I'm so scared of bursting into tears at work or randomly on the train or something.

I'm supposed to be 14 weeks tomorrow and feel so empty and incomplete.

Just RTFT and I'm so so sorry for your loss OP. I can't think of anything useful to add that PPs havent already said, but I do wish to send you positivity, strength and love at this awful time for you. Please take care xx

Thank you @StewPots.

I spoke to NHS counselling service today to be assessed and may be referred for counselling with specialist charity providing counselling. Will hear on Monday. Hopefully it goes through and they can help. Have spent more time crying today - life just sucks.

I am so sorry OP. Look after and be kind to yourself

Thanks @ CaMePlaitPas. I can't believe it's 2 weeks and a day now since writing my original post and the pain is no easier to cope with. I'm now supposed to be 14+1 and I'm still thinking and mourning what might have been. My little baby gone. Really struggling when I force myself out of the house.

Heyy @InDreamland sorry I've not been back for a few days but I've been thinking of you... I'm glad to see you've been out - even if was hard! At least you got there. It's further than you was last week ☺️ it's great that you've got through to a counsellor, it will benefit you to have someone in 'real' life to talk to.
Also... don't be daft! Your husband loves you! You'll both get through this, just make sure you are talking and spending time together. x

Hi @WooYa, thanks for checking in. I'm hoping it's good news om Monday and I can be referred to the specialist charity for counselling. I am trying to brave the world but finding it really difficult to go anywhere busy or where the last time I was there I was pregnant. I don't know how I'm going to be able to cope with going back to work next week. My husband is amazing though, just love him so much, in a strange way I think this has actually brought us closer together.

Hi dreamland just reading your post I’ve had 2 miscarriages going through one now we found out our first at 12w started bleeding so went to EPU did a scan blighted ovum stopped growing at 6w. Started to mc never had a mc before but have 2 kids 12&10yrs if felt like labour contractions did 3 days dosed to the max with paracetamol and ibuprofen didn’t touch the pain had to ring the dr for codeine was great. So wanted to be pregnant again we started ttc took 6 mths it took its toll on us emotionally so was so happy when we got pregnant. Everything was fine no symptoms no bleeding got in to see midwife at 8w this time instead of 11w so got our 12w on 25/7 so at 12w+3 the exact date we prev mc we were told at the scan there’s no heart beat measured at 9w. 💔 can’t believe it’s happened again, I too am 38 and back to square one. I’m abit scared to ttc in fear of mc again.
I’m hope your doing ok and conceive again soon xxx

Fingers crossed for you could you have a word with your boss/manager and explain that you will come in but might have to go again? It might be worth going to work, just to see if you can? It could be good for you to be out and be distracted (for want of a better term). It will be strange and probably a bit awkward (depending on where you work) but it might do you good in the long term.
I'm so glad you and DH are closer. I know it can be the worse time in your life and knowing you have each other is amazing. x

@Gcw10 I'm so sorry for your losses, it's so terribly sad, no words can describe how sad. I really hope you have good support around you. Thanks for sharing your story, it's not easy to talk about what's happened to us but all the lovely ladies on MN help so much. I know this is a long road to healing physically and emotionally, the emotional (and spiritual) will be the hardest part. I hope you (and all of us on here) have a healthy pregnancy and baby in the very near future. If it helps, there's a lovely group (chat thread) in the conception section of ladies TTC after pregnancy loss who are a great support too x

@WooYa thanks, I may ask to work from home for a couple of days. Then go into a different office to start with where I know less people. I just really don't feel at the moment I can cope with everyone in the office I'm based out of. I went back to church this morning (DH who very rarely goes came with me this morning) and it was hard and had to really hold back the tears. I did light a candle for my baby though. I need a lot of healing spiritually too I realised this morning

My natural miscarriage was 2 weeks ago today and I'm still crying. At least today I heard back from the NHS healthy minds service who have referred me for specialist counselling through charity which offers pregnancy loss and perinatal counselling. I have contacted them to try and access their service ASAP so waiting to hear back from them now.

I'm also still really tired, waiting for my blood test results from last week, GP hadn't had them back when I checked this morning.

I feel like I'm up and down like a yoyo at the moment.

Sorry I keep posting on here but feel like I need an outlet.

Just read this thread OP I am so so sorry for your loss do keep posting if this is an outlet that helps please use it. Thinking of you

I think it's wonderful you have somewhere in real life to go and you can always come on here... I'm here Would talking to your vicar/priest ( I don't actually know what they are called ) help? I find the have some weird calming aura about them. I'm not religious but I found talking to the priest who visited my school when I was younger, weirdly calmed me down.
2 weeks is no time at all so don't you worry about still crying! You could also be tired because you're still grieving. Strong emotions have a habit of wiping you out. Plenty of rest and bubble baths for you.
Fantastic news about counselling! Hopefully it will help you further. Come on here to talk/vent/rant. I'll do my best to help you through 💛💛

@mommybear1 thank you, I feel like this is the safest place and where I feel most comfortable getting my thoughts and feelings down at the moment.

@WooYa thank you again so much for being here and reading and responding to my crazy posts. I don't want to bother my parish priest, also, I know he won't judge but at the same time I feel strange if I talk to him about this - might be because when he joined the parish he asked me if I had kids and I said no and I remember thinking he must think we're using contraception (Catholic), we haven't used contraception since getting married as we've been trying since we got hitched but priest won't know that. I did feel a little better than lighting a candle yesterday after mass but also emotional. I considered speaking to him but also don't want to bother him as he's busy and about to go on holiday so we'll have a cover priest for the next month. I think I'll call my GP for a same day appointment to ask for more time off work, I don't want more time off but feel I need it, I just don't feel at the moment like I'll be able to focus on work or go to work without having a break down. Just worried people expect me to just be better and go back to normal. My life will never be normal again - well that's how I feel.

You're welcome ☺️
Could you talk to your cover priest? Maybe him/her leaving in a month might enable you to open up more? Good call ringing your GO back too... if you go to work when you aren't ready then it could make you worse in the long run.
Your life won't go back to normal. This is your new normal now and you have changed as a person so you normal is something new. In time you will hurt a little less and cry a little less and come through strong. Then your new normal can begin.
Ignore other people. They have no idea what you are going through - yes some may have had miscarriages or lost children but they aren't you. People will be more wary of you and they might treat you a bit weird at first but that's just because they don't know what to say and don't want to upset or offend you.
How is your DH? My own DH asked me what I was writing the other day so I told him about you and what has happened. He looked heartbroken and said he wouldn't know what to do in that situation.x

@WooYa, thank you, you're so right, this is my new normal, sad as it is and I need to learn to cope better with it and others will need to get used to me. It's funny how different people react and a few of the ones I expected to be the core of my support have said the wrong things, I know they meant well but it was just not what someone who's been through a mc wants or needs to hear. I might see if I can talk to the lovely lady at church as we often get a chance for a chat after mass. Maybe if the opportunity arises I'll ask the priest for a chat, or I'll wander up there on Thursday or Friday morning and see if I can chat to the priest if I feel ready to do it. I've sobbed so much again today down the phone to work but thankfully they're so supportive and to my GP when I was there this morning. I'm signed off until the end of the week now and i really hope I can get myself in a state where I feel I can at least ease myself back into work from Monday. I am now om antibiotics as GP called the gynaecologist who was concerned I may have an infection/endometriosis so have that until next week then have to take a HPT, if still an issue or get a positive HPT I have to go back to the EPU. I'm slowly trying to do things I do outside work normally and it is hard but I'm forcing myself to at least do something - one of the gym trainers tonight said to me that it's amazing I have managed to go back already and everyone there really cares about me which was so sweet, I know they do care, they're all so lovely. DH seems to be okay, I am worried about him as he's never been great at showing his emotions. When we found out baby had died 3 weeks ago it was the first time I had ever seen him cry in the 9 years we've been together. It's heartbreaking. He seems to have got himself back to normal now routine wise and smiles and jokes about but I am worried he's struggling inside to cope with our loss as he's so desperate to be a dad. He's got so much love to give, you should see him with our nieces, he's brilliant with them and you can see how much he loves them. He would be an amazing dad. Was your DH quite affected by our situation? x

Hi dreamland. I've read your story and I just want to say please don't say your not being strong. You are so strong. You are dealing with this, you are grieving. You are aloud to feel heart broken and distraught.
I know your pain. I had a miscarriage last night after everything going perfectly. I was the happiest ive been in my whole life and it's all been taken away from me in an instant.
I was on holiday and had my dd age 8 with me and I felt totally trapped as I couldn't talk about it, I tried to hide my face from her because I was in tears. I didn't sleep the entire night. I had to face people the next day and I was like a zombie, I couldn't function with grief.

You sit there and watch people laughing and getting on with their day, people shopping, going to the bank etc....and in your mind the world has stopped. Everyone is just one big blur and you can't concentrate on anything but your own grief. We have to untell everyone now and I feel like a complete fool, I feel embarrassed, I feel like I've let everyone down and I have no control over what happened to me.
I know your pain and we are all in this together.
We have to grieve and then we pick ourselves up again and we slowly start again. It's the only way....dont lose hope.

Enjoy your partner and focus on your relationship and try to enjoy yourself again. Take up a new hobby or try keep busy.
I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm so sorry your going through this. I wish I could give you a big hug.

Oh goodness @Elderflower78 I'm so so sorry for your loss. Your post must have been so difficult to write with things being even more raw for you than mine is now. You sound so brave to be able to have still got on with things especially with LO to look after. You are very strong. You are so right about that feeling you have and being in a daze and a blur whilst everyone else seems to just go about their daily business as if nothing has happened and yet you're screaming out inside that your baby has died and you're more devastated and heartbroken than words could ever describe. I can absolutely relate to what you say about feeling like a fool and embarrassed - I wish I could make you feel better but nothing I will say can because despite everyone on MN telling me it's not my fault, I've not let anyone down etc etc and being so lovely unfortunately I still feel all those things but know (or hope) in time those feelings will get less strong and I will learn how to cope with the grief and all the negative thoughts and feelings I have.

I am waiting for a counsellor to be assigned to me so I can start and hopefully that will help the healing process. I would urge you to speak to your GP and ask for a referral to counselling too as it may help you with your grief. You can probably self refer on NHS Healthy Minds. Sending you virtual hugs and I really hope you have support around you and can get some professional support too x

I think you should go to church to talk to your priest today or tomorrow, if anything it will get you outside and in the fresh air. Just keep forcing yourself to do things,one thing at a time, then one day you won't have to force as much. Literally nothing but time will help heal you.
Your DH might feel the same as you, in the way you feel it's your fault and you've let him down. He will definitely not want to pour all of his feelings on you when he can see you struggling and he might find it easier to keep it in for now. There's still a chance for him to be the great dad you see.
My DH didn't really say anything when I told him but he came back the day after and asked after you. I think it affected him more than he knows, he must have gone back to when I was pregnant with DS - I wasn't allowed to do anything that would be seen as getting excited (buying things, decorating) just in case and he told me one day that he panicked everyday that something would happen. xx
@Elderflower78 I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm sorry you're going through this too x

I'll try and get up there tomorrow @WooYa, I had a lot of things to sort out in the house today which has kept me distracted. Feeling organised though and like I've achieved something which I think means I've made some progress, even if it does mean I've been more comfortable still in my own company. I know I need to push myself more in readiness for properly going out to the big wide world next week. I just feel safer alone, at home or in the company of a few select people I'm most comfortable with. I did go for a short walk up to the high street this morning as I had something to pick up so I have left the house - still feel safer hiding behind big sunnies. I've had strange flutterings and cramping in my tummy area today which is annoying me - I'm still spotting. I asked my DH how he was feeling lastnight and he just said he doesn't like sitting around at home doing nothing. I really hope he's not suffering in silence. I so desperately want to give him a baby (2 actually - we'd love to have 2 children). Your DH sounds very caring. I think guys may be more anxious about pregnancy than they like to say, mine was very cautious and didn't want to tell anyone until after the scan and everything at 12 weeks was ok. I'm still waiting for a counsellor, think I'll call and chase tomorrow as I know I really need to talk through all this, all the emotions from the last 5 years of TTC and failing has all come up to the surface with the mc, all the hurt, disappointment, anger, upset and feelings of being inadequate and a failure added to feelings of jealousy and resentment .......I've become so bitter. I think emotionally I'm just completely exhausted and broken.

You'll feel this way for a while I'm afraid. Definitely chase up counselling, you'll feel better when you've got an appointment and you can talk to someone who can help you. Fully opening up can help you in so many ways. It's just shit waiting isn't it?
Don't push yourself too far @InDreamland but I'm happy that you're getting further each day.
My Nana always said 'tidy home, tidy mind' and I've found that to be true, often when in peak anxiety, having a tidy home really helps.
DH tries to think he's a 'manly' man but I see him! Your DH might the kind of person who just prefers to keep it in? x