Supposed to be 12 weeks today and having first scan - instead am in the darkest place of my life

[InDreamland]

I just needed to write this down as I'm feeling like my whole world right now has crashed around me.

I've posted similar on other threads about my experience recently.

It's taken DH and I 5 years to concieve (natural conception) and the last 4 years have been so difficult - getting AF every month and a few BFNs when AF was late. Investigations didn't show anything wrong with either of us. It has been so painful having all the comments from pretty much everyone about not having kids etc etc. Then at the end of May we suddenly got the BFP we'd be so desperate and longed to get. It was such a relief.

Cue some anxiety and excitement all at the same time. Only a few people were told because I either needed support or was because they were people who needed to know - my parents and sister, my best mate (she's been on this long journey with me and shares the same pain with TTC), closest work colleague (she has been on a similar journey herself), my boss and gym trainers. I dared to dream about what life would be like with our baby from January. I was planning the people we would tell next week about our happy news but had agreed nothing would go on Facebook as we wanted to keep things as private as we could given our difficult journey and also not wanting to upset anyone who was going through their own fertility challenges like we had been. Knowing how seeing all those announcements made me feel I didn't want to do that to anyone else no matter how close or not I was to them. You don't always know what private battles friends and acquaintances are trying to deal with.

On Tuesday I ended up at the EPU to receive the worst news possible. Have to go back on Tuesday next week to confirm mc (apparently they cannot do it from first scan). The past few days have just been awful and I feel like I'm in the darkest days of my life.

Today I feel even worse. Right now we should be at the hospital about to go into our 12 weeks dating and NT scan. Today I'm supposed to be 12 weeks exactly.

I feel so low like I've never felt low like this before. I'm angry with the world but feel justified in feeling like this. I feel cheated and short changed. Like it is all my fault but I don't know what I've done that is so bad to deserve this. At 38 years old I don't think I'll ever get pregnant again. I can't take anymore comments from people about not having children yet and feeling like I'm being judged. I can't cope with seeing pregnant people, hearing pregnancy or birth announcements. I can no longer do the fake smiles and pretending I'm excited or over the moon for others when inside I'm just dying, screaming and crying. I can't do this anymore.

Sorry for the doom and gloom but just needed to get this down somewhere.

So sorry, @InDreamland. I’m also having really messed up dreams at the moment.

I seem to be going backwards - the temptation to stay in bed and ignore the world is getting stronger - but for me I’m worried that’s going to make things worse. I’m going to try some mindless domestic tasks like clearing out the kitchen cupboards to try and distract myself.

Did your GP/anyone at the hospital talk to you about counselling?

I really feel your pain through your post. I hadn’t been trying for so long believed I was pregnant for as long but I had a very light bleed around 6 weeks, prayed hard and still felt positive, EPU scan couldn’t find a heartbeat but said it could be too early if dates were off, I went home still so full of hope for the outcome we longed for but like you had horrendous bleeding/contracting/so weak and pale etc we knew it was over at 7 weeks.
Even after all that I still took a pregnancy test a week later “just in case” even though there was really no way a baby could have survived that.

We have a box for our sweet Jellybean and wrote them letters, I had even knitted booties and a hat already so that’s in there etc. On Jellybean’s due date and the day we lost them I still have a cry for what could have been but never was.

I now have a three year old and a one year old and they’re everything to me, but Jellybean will always be our first baby to us.

Actually my youngest has a rare form of dwarfism and when the geneticist was drawing up a family tree when we were getting him diagnosed she drew a branch for Jellybean and I cried afterwards because it meant so much to me.

I’m younger than you but my mum had a miscarriage at 38 and went on to have me at 39. I know mothers older than this too, don’t feel like this was your last chance.

I’ve been right where you are though in the blaming yourself, thinking why me?! Seeing what other people have and wondering what you’ve done that you don’t deserve the same. It’s such an incredibly painful time and I also couldn’t imagine how I was ever going to come out the other side.

But know that you will. This pain won’t go away but it will lose its intensity. For me I was a complete mess and “went off the rails” with alcohol and recklessness for months. I couldn’t be around my husband, I couldn’t be around most people.
Then I managed to pick myself up and paid a lot of attention to my marriage. I fell pregnant with DS1 and I’ve finally felt like me again.

Sorry this was so long but be kind to yourself, lean on each other and don’t pay attention to who you need to reply to etc just let everything except your own well-being take a back seat right now

@ronniemipperton I'm so sorry you're going through this too. Glad you're trying to break the cycle and doing something productive. You've made the first step. I too feel like I'm going backwards. The dreams are scary, like I just can't ever let go of the fact my baby is gone, I can't accept it. I have managed to drag myself put of bed despite the fatigue and exhaustion and actually washed my hair (it was gross!). I might try to bake something today after Ocado has delivered - baking is something I always enjoy and was looking forward to doing plenty when baby was old enough ........something baby will never get to do now. No-one spoke to me about counselling - did you get offered it? I don't know what to do about it and don't want to be a bother.

@Condragulations thank you for your post. It's nice to hear you had your happy ending with your 2 DC. Thank you for understanding the pain I'm going through. I really hope one day soon I will be in a better place like you are. I will never forget my little bean though.

@InDreamland sorry for the slow reply (and well done on washing your hair!). Baking sounds like a good idea.

Sorry to hear no-one spoke to you about counselling. At my hospital (Lewisham) they have a Women’s Health bereavement counselling service, they gave me a short leaflet about it which basically says any time you think counselling would be helpful, give them a call and they’ll arrange a free session (or a number of sessions). Even though it’s women’s health they make it clear you don’t have to go back to the same part of the hospital which I think is really good. I haven’t called them yet but may well do. As well as that the nurse in the EPU at my hospital told me that she’s recently set up a support group for people who have gone through miscarriage, so you could see if there’s anything like that at yours as well as counselling.

I’m not sure if either/or are offered in every hospital but definitely worth asking - maybe try giving them a call (when you feel up to it) and asking if any counselling or support groups are available. I promise they won’t think you’re being a bother.

@ronniemipperton thanks for your reply. How you managed to get some kitchen organising done. I did manage some baking ...... still don't want to see anyone or go out of the house.

I did try calling the midwife team this afternoon to cancel my 16 week appintment but it just rings and rings then rings off without even voicemail. I also had a read of the info that came with my maternity prescription exemption certificate and it says that even if I have a mc I can continue to claim free perceptions until the certificate expires.

I've looked online at my NHS trust website and can't find any counselling services on there so may call my GP on Monday as I think I will need some proper professional help.

@InDreamland Oh that’s a shame that your hospital doesn’t offer anything obvious - but GP is a good idea. Maybe they can cancel the midwife appointment too? I couldn’t face calling the midwife but it’s a mobile number so I’ve sent a text - haven’t had a reply so may need to sort that out later.

That’s good about the maternity exemption certificate being valid - I threw mine away along with everything else. Shouldn’t have been so hasty!

Well done on the baking. I have ended up back in bed but did a lot of kitchen sorting first so don’t feel too guilty about it.

Hi, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I just wanted to send you love and support from someone who is in the same situation. I'm currently miscarrying my baby (I should be 9 weeks today but think he/she died at about 6 weeks). It's just so sad and there's nothing anyone can say to make it better. Sending you a virtual hug and handhold. x

Hi Op
I am so sorry for your loss. It struck a chord with me as I went through this, this time 5 years ago. It was dreadful and I didn't think I would recover emotionally, I felt crippled by grief. But I did recover and I did feel better, I planned nice things to do, and treated myself. 5 years later I have a DS and a DD, (I'm 45) so don't lose hope, you will feel better in time, step by step. Hugs to you xx

You are not a failure! Life is just shit sometimes. Call your GP took book in to talk to them, they can help you ☺️ I'm glad your up and moving - getting up is sometimes the hardest thing. As pp said - don't worry about replying to people., they will understand that you need time and they will still be there for you when you start coming through the other side and need them. X

I'm so sorry OP. my husband and I had been trying for 2 years and got pregnant in January, only to find out it was ectopic and I spent 3 weeks at home trying to get my head around it. Husband was wonderful but felt helpless so I'm glad you've booked a weekend away.
I did some baking too, I found it did help for a while. My best friend then told me she was pregnant and we would have been due at the same time, it absolutely killed me.
It takes time but things will get better I promise. Don't give up hope

@ronniemipperton thanks, I will try my GP but they're not the most helpful either, lady time I had to turn up in tears in a real mess (was 7 weeks pg at the time) for someone to agree to help me. Can't help feeling like we've not been given all the info we need with the mc, don't gey me wrong the stag were all very nice but info wise no counselling services offered and also everyone else on MN seem to mention being told to take a HPT 2-3 weeks after mc to make sure HCG levels gone when and no longer pregnant but we never got told this. DH just said he thinks they've missed out a few things for us in terms of follow up support. It's impressive you managed to sort out the kitchen cupboards, think it's actually more impressive than my baking. So it's ok you went back to bed. I have had a little doze on the sofa, I think physically we need to still need to fully recover.

@gingerlou84 I'm so sorry you find yourself here going through this too. Hugs to you! Really hope you can recover and find the strength to get through this and have the support you need.

Thanks @KellyMarieTunstall2 sorry for your losses and thanks for sharing your story. It's nice to hear others have been through this and have their happy ending. Hopefully I soon will have the same happy ending.

@WooYa thanks, I will give my GP a call on Monday and hope they're helpful. I am so up and down at the moment. If I get an appointment at the GP it will force me to leave the house and walk to the high street but I have to walk past Jo Jo Maman Bebe which will upset me - I was looking forward to shopping in there in the next few weeks. I still can't believe this is happening. It's like a nightmare I can't wake up from.

@Roomarmoset thanks for your post, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, it happens to too many people, one loss is one too many. I hope you stay strong through your friends pregnancy and when het baby comes, it's so hard isn't it.

Reading your post made me remember just what it is like InDreamland, I'm sorry for everyone who goes through this - it was the blackest hole for me and physically the most painful thing I have experienced.
I was 38 when I had a mc, I was still 38 when I had my daughter. I got pregnant again soon afterwards. I have a box with the lost baby's things in it and 9 years later I still haven't been able to look in the box. My daughter tells me the lost baby was her, and she just came back for another try. There is hope.

It is a horrific experience. I wish bad things didn’t happen to good people but they do. I can remember wanting to scream and shake a pregnant woman who was smoking as I walked out of the hospital following our bad news scan. How could she not know how lucky she was and why would she hurt her baby like that? It felt so unfair that I did everything right but my baby wouldn’t make it to that stage. I didn’t say anything just started crying again and I’m so grateful I didn’t. It was my grief and pain thinking not me. Those feelings were overwhelming at first and I felt I wouldn’t be able to try again. Like you, I felt that I’d let my husband and family down. The truth was that he thought I was so brave and so amazing to keep going.

Within a couple of weeks I changed my mind about trying again. Now is not the time to make decisions. Give yourself the space and time you need to heal. Know that you are grieving and part of that is blaming yourself and others even though nobody is to blame. Keep talking to your husband. While you are the one dealing with the physical pain, he will be wishing he could take it away and grieving too.

If you do change your mind about trying again, there is hope. Fertility can often be increased after a pregnancy. You have time. I know those facts aren’t much comfort right now. You don’t want a baby - you want your baby. It may help reassure you if you decide to try again.

I agree about making decisions. You are full of hormones and have little control over your thoughts. How you feel now will not be how you feel in a few weeks.

@FaFoutis and @blondephantom thanks for sharing your experiences and your supportive words.

Yes, I know that feeling of wanting to shake (or in my case smack and scream at) a pregnant girl who was moaning to her mum out loud in the EPU about because of her blood type it'd be so inconvenient to need going for tests for the next 5 and a half months .......... all I wanted to scream at her was shut up and at least she's pregnant. Then outside there was another one pregnant smoking. Makes me so angry and upset.

I feel like I've got so many issues right now. I hope like you say in a few weeks I'll feel better.

I have came up yesterday with a red small pin prick type spotty rash all over my limbs. Could this be related to the mc? Or should I be worried it's something else?

Hey @InDreamland how are you and DH this weekend?
That rash could be a heat rash or an allergic reaction - have you swapped washing powder/shower gel? x

Thank you do much for asking @WooYa. Think we've been ok. I have had quite a few crying sessions and felt really low but it's only been a week (tomorrow) since I completely miscarried. I still haven't left the house, I just can't the world - I'm scared of breaking down in tears the moment I see a baby or pregnant lady.

I've not changed anything that I ciuld have reacted to. I do get eczema and since the mc have gone back to using my steroid cream and taking antihistamine which has helped the eczema but the rash is still there.

I'm going to try calling my GP tomorrow as I'm worried I've not really been given sufficient info compared to what other ladies on MN I've read have been given. The EPU didn't offer or mention counselling nor did they advise me to take a HPT at any time which I understand everyone else was told to take one 2-3 weeks after the mc to check HCG levels had dropped.

I called my GP this morning and managed to get an appointment. As soon as I mentioned I'd had a mc I was given an appointment straight away. I had to brave the world though and left the house for the first time since I was at the EPU Tuesday last week. Thankfully with this heatwave it meant huge sunnies hiding half my face which helped.

I just broke down when I spoke to the doctor. He gave me details to do a self referral to NHS counselling and sent me for more blood tests for my exhaustion although think they'll come back normal. He told me that I didn't need to do a HPT because I'd had a scan that confirmed the mc and no retained products. He also thinks the rash is my eczema which has been exacerbated by the mc stress and the heatwave. He's also referring me back to fertility clinic we were going to before I got pregnant.

Later this afternoon I got a call from another doctor at the surgery who said he knows I saw his colleague this morning but he just got the letter from the hospital advising about my mc and that he calls all his patients who've had a mc to check on them. We discussed what I'd talked about with the doctor this morning and he said he'd make sure the referral to the fertility clinic was done and also told me to ensure I chase my self referral for counselling as it's important I speak to someone asap. He said if I don't feel up to rerurning to work next week he'll sign me off for longer and to let him know although the distraction may be good. I said I need answers but he said often it's unexplained and no-one knows why it's so common and that I'm not the only patient he's had to speak to today about mc.

I feel like I'm up and down, one minute I'm feeling better and the next I'm sobbing so much. I just cried loads last night in bed. Poor DH is worried and being very sweet. I don't know when I will get a day I don't cry and I'm worried I'm going to just break down when I go back to work.

I think I went out too soon today. Ended up crying on way home.

Feels like I'm taking one step forward and two steps back. Don't know how I'm going to manage going back to work next week.

This is definitely the worst experience of my life so far. I just want my baby back

take it one minute at a time.

Don't force yourself back into work too soon. Can you talk to them about a phased return maybe? So only in for the mornings for a week?

A hand-hold from here.

Thanks @Mogleflop, my boss is on holiday but will call the cover who I get on well with and talk about my first few days back as I really at the moment can't face the office.

Also keep thinking that DH would be happier with someone who can give him babies as I clearly struggle taking 5 years to get pregnant then miacarrying rather than being able to give him a full term healthy baby. He says he won't and he loves me but I can't stop thinking he might be happier with a fertile woman who can carry full term. I feel like the biggest failure and disappointment.

Called to chase my NHS counselling self referral today and they can fit me in for a telephone assessment tomorrow morning. At first they said there's a long waiting list but when they looked up my referral details they could suddenly get me an assessment in the morning so must have been a priority case.

Be kind to yourself. I had a missed mc in April and had the surgery. It took me at least 6 weeks before I didn't cry about it anymore. I still occasionally get sad at milestones such as twenty weeks etc. My friend is due when I was so I think that makes it hard too. We are lucky I'm that we have one child already. But still was a very dark time for me and my husband. Take it one day at a time