Supposed to be 12 weeks today and having first scan - instead am in the darkest place of my life

[InDreamland]

I just needed to write this down as I'm feeling like my whole world right now has crashed around me.

I've posted similar on other threads about my experience recently.

It's taken DH and I 5 years to concieve (natural conception) and the last 4 years have been so difficult - getting AF every month and a few BFNs when AF was late. Investigations didn't show anything wrong with either of us. It has been so painful having all the comments from pretty much everyone about not having kids etc etc. Then at the end of May we suddenly got the BFP we'd be so desperate and longed to get. It was such a relief.

Cue some anxiety and excitement all at the same time. Only a few people were told because I either needed support or was because they were people who needed to know - my parents and sister, my best mate (she's been on this long journey with me and shares the same pain with TTC), closest work colleague (she has been on a similar journey herself), my boss and gym trainers. I dared to dream about what life would be like with our baby from January. I was planning the people we would tell next week about our happy news but had agreed nothing would go on Facebook as we wanted to keep things as private as we could given our difficult journey and also not wanting to upset anyone who was going through their own fertility challenges like we had been. Knowing how seeing all those announcements made me feel I didn't want to do that to anyone else no matter how close or not I was to them. You don't always know what private battles friends and acquaintances are trying to deal with.

On Tuesday I ended up at the EPU to receive the worst news possible. Have to go back on Tuesday next week to confirm mc (apparently they cannot do it from first scan). The past few days have just been awful and I feel like I'm in the darkest days of my life.

Today I feel even worse. Right now we should be at the hospital about to go into our 12 weeks dating and NT scan. Today I'm supposed to be 12 weeks exactly.

I feel so low like I've never felt low like this before. I'm angry with the world but feel justified in feeling like this. I feel cheated and short changed. Like it is all my fault but I don't know what I've done that is so bad to deserve this. At 38 years old I don't think I'll ever get pregnant again. I can't take anymore comments from people about not having children yet and feeling like I'm being judged. I can't cope with seeing pregnant people, hearing pregnancy or birth announcements. I can no longer do the fake smiles and pretending I'm excited or over the moon for others when inside I'm just dying, screaming and crying. I can't do this anymore.

Sorry for the doom and gloom but just needed to get this down somewhere.

Your body is not useless, you are not a failure. You are surviving a terrible experience of long term infertility and loss. Whatever your future may hold (and I very much wish for you that it contains a much wanted child) you have shown more strength than you probably thought possible and are weathering the storm. Good luck with TTC but also with making peace with everything that has happened to you. It is shit, and you are allowed to feel shit about it all but well done for looking to the future and whatever it may hold.

Thank you for your kind words and understanding @AltCarbon. I am working on trying to cope with the grief. I'm so angry with myself, my feelings I know are natural reactions to what has happened and what I've been dealing with over the past 5 years but I'm so mad and disappointed in myself not just for not being able to get pregnant for 5 years then when I do can't keep the baby/pregnancy for 40 weeks and birth but the way I feel. All my emotions are so negative - being angry, bitter and jealous and feeling like life has been so unjust towards me when I shouldn't (but I do) feel resentful towards certain individuals, more specifically a nasty cousin, for just being able to have a baby when she wants to. I am questioning why someone who's been so horrid deserves a baby but I don't. I must be even more nasty than she is but so oblivious to it to be punished like this. I don't like what I've become and I am struggling to cope with that and trying to be a nice person again.

I'm 7 weeks today since my natural mc and just don't feel motivated still to do much and TBH feel like there's an expectation for me to now just be back to normal. I'm just not functioning well mentally still, can't focus like I used to. I'm also more irritable and intolerant of things and people.

This really is a long dark road. I just have no interest in things. Don't want to engage in much conversation with people. When I do talk to anyone it feels like such an effort. I'm still crying 7 weeks on from the mc. I really wish no-one ever had to experience this.

I'm so so sorry for your loss. Reading this just brought back a whirlwind of emotions for me and my losses were a long time ago. It never leaves you but I promise it gets easier to live with. It's a fucking awful grief and the taboo on top where you aren't supposed to grieve...I remember it all too well.

I hope you find peace and happiness OP, God knows you deserve it.

Cut yourself some slack my lovely. It's only been 7 weeks. You should still be pregnant and it will be difficult to change your mindset possibly until after your due date.

I've had many miscarriages, and stillbirth of twins in late pregnancy, as well as losing a child to cancer.

Grief is horrible. It's not just the loss of a pregnancy but a much wanted and loved already child. It's your hopes and dreams as a family that have been shattered. It will take more than 7 weeks to feel any sort of normality.

But as you can see from my list above I have had a list of tragedies. You do find a way of moving forward (note not moving on from). You grieve and grieve and grieve. Until you find a way to grieve alongside your life. But it takes time and gentleness. That gentleness on yourself may only come after the anger has lessened a bit.

Writing all your feelings is a good thing. I talked and talked and talked my way through my losses. You will get there (wherever there is). Hold tight. Breath and only do what you can for now. Try not to worry about how others are expecting you to be. Xx

@enbh and @minmooch I'm so sorry for your losses. It's so sad that so many of us have lost babies. Thank you both for your kind words and understanding. It's comforting to know others get why I feel like this and why I am the way I am now. I must be a really good actress though, one of my colleagues said I am coming across really well at work despite what's happened and when I say I just don't feel I want to be there. I'm only a couple of says away from what would have been the 20 week milestone and it breaks my heart I'm not pregnant anymore and feeling my baby inside me. You're right that I'm not just mourning my baby but also the family I'd planned for. Life really sucks.

@indreamland Firsr of all I am so So sorry for your loss please do not blame yourself though I’ve gone through every step of my last few weeks and I’ve nearly sent myself crazy
I’m currently in hospital .my miscarried twins died at 6 weeks I’m now awaiting surgery to have them removed because the medical way didn’t work I know exactly how low you feel and there’s nothing anyone can say to make it any better . Please just take time to grieve I’m so sorry life is so cruel .. I am 40 don’t have any kids and was told yest while I was lying bleeding your still young you can try again people don’t know what to say and tbh honest I never thought this would happen to me dh keeps saying well at least they weren’t further on but i still had their life mapped out 😭all hopes and dreams now gone .im nearly 10 weeks I didn’t want to wait for natural miscarriage as we’ve had scans for the past 3 weeks and it’s killed me .. please know that I am very sorry I don’t know what else to say but had to say something ❤️

@angelina35 I'm so so sorry for your losses. Your story is so sad. I wish you a speedy recovery physically and hope yoy take all the time you need to heal emotionally too. You're right that there are no words that can help. It's just the worst thing a woman can go through. Hope you have lots of support and if you feel up to it to access some counselling.

I found yesterday at work so difficult, I don't even know why exactly, I just felt so tearful and had to hold tears back all day. I'm supposed to be 20 weeks today .......half way milestone but all I am is empty and jist hating this. My poor little bean.

Why is it that I can't escape pregnant women and prams? Had someone this morning walking up and down past me about 50 times with a baby in a pram .........I just felt like it was being rubbed in my face like saying "just to remind you constantly what you so badly want but cannot have and oh yeah, you were so close but yours didn't make it".

This is so hard. Like the world is mocking me. I'm supposed to be 20 weeks and it just hurts so much. Tomorrow will be 8 weeks post mc and I'm just finding it difficult to not feel like the universe is plotting to make me miserable.

I'm 3.5 months post miscarriage and I'm still struggling but I have days where I have hope now, it's our first anniversary in a month so I've planned a night away - I'm dreading Christmas but I'm trying not to think about it right now - I still haven't managed to see our pregnant friend and I have no idea how I ever will, but again, I can't focus on that right now - I'm scared I'll never get pregnant again, or that I'll just keep losing my babies, but I have no evidence for that, it's just thoughts which aren't reality - it's funny that I've never thought about it as the world plotting against me, but it's reminded me how uncaring mother nature is, if it was based on how good of a mother you would be, neither of us would be in this situation, our babies would be so loved and cared for like so many are not, mother nature can be cruel, but that's nothing to do with the kind of person you are, I promise you that, I hope that we can both look back on this thread in 6 months time, and feel like we've moved forward - you are not alone

The thing that got me through seeing either pregnant women or those with young babies was that I didn't know what their journey had been to get where they were. They too may have suffered miscarriages or stillbirth. If I thought they too may have known tragedy then I could cope with their joy.

@Justincase87 it's so sad isn't it. I really hipe you can enjoy your first anniversary trip away. I understand dreading Christmas, I am too, I would have been 8 months, baby was due 25th January. I share your hope that in 6 months time we can look back and feel like we've moved forward. It's so difficult and I'm exhusted from pretending to be able to just get on with life. I just still want to curl up at home and not have to actually have to hold a conversation with anyone.

@minmooch I know I don't know their journeys but it still hurts. It's the being reminded of what I have struggled so hard to get for 5 years then lost and I so badly want a baby, I want my baby back. It's nothing personal against the parents but I just feel like I can't cope with constant reminders of my pain and grief. Like rubbing salt in open wounds.

Had another cry today. This is so difficult.

Waiting for the grief to become easier to manage and cope with.

Keep thinking I should be half way through my pregnancy now. Not looking forward to Christmas or New Year knowing I should be 8 months then.

I should have been having my first scan today as well. Instead I find myself two weeks into the worst physical and emotional pain I've ever experienced, I've effectively lost my job as I was totally unprepared to interview for it, and my partner has been sacked because he took a few days off to recover from his pain of the miscarriage.

I was in A&E last Sunday because of haemmoraging, worked from home on Monday and came in on Tuesday, had to stand during a staff meeting as no one even thought to offer me a seat despite all being told what happened.

I'm so sorry we're all having to go through this. Be kind to yourselves.
Life just sucks sometimes :(

@shelly000999 I'm so sorry for your loss and what you're going through! What happened with work is terrible for both of you. For you, given the emotional and physical state you were in and being pregnancy related you should talk to your HR department/union or staff rep if you have one as they need to be careful about dismissing someone or them suffering a disadvantage because of a pregnancy related illness which yours is! As for your DP that sounds terrible. Had he been in the job long? My DHs employers were really good with him. Sounds like something dodgy going on there - hope they followed due process. You really need to take the time you need to heal emotionally and physically from this. It's all still so raw for you so you need to put yourself first. Take more time off work if you need it - visit your GP and get a sick note that clearly states miscarriage on it so that there is no doubting why you're not well enough to attend work let alone interview to keep your job! When you feel up to it also look into counselling. Take care of yourself

AF arrived today. Just reminding me of what I can't have. Why does life suck so much?

Wish none of us needed to be on here.

I feel like I can't function properly. I'm forgetful. I have little motivation and am just going through motions doing the bare minimum I have to. Wondering what I need to do to become a mum and a live baby and what I have done to deserve all this heartache.

OP so sorry

I just recently miscarried, went in for first scan and there was no heartbeat or movement. It seems he stopped growing about 2+ weeks ago. This is my first miscarriage and it is heartbreaking. I’m so sorry for your pain. I was already vlogging my pregnancy and decided to continue as so few people really talk about it. I’ll include the link for my post the day after he came out of me. I hope you can find comfort in the fact you’re not alone.

OP I’ve just caught up on your thread with tears in my eyes. I am so so sorry about your loss.

Miscarriage is an awful thing to experience, physically but more so mentally and emotionally. I have had multiple losses and I just wanted to reassure you that it does get easier, it might take you a long time, but you will find a new happy. You probably won’t ever be the person you were before, but there will be a new normal for you.
I still think about my lost babies and grieve on their loss/due dates. It’s still heartbreaking.

I hope you find the counselling helpful and in time, can move on with life in your own way.

Be kind to yourself.

I feel your pain. My 12 week scan was due this Thursday coming would have been 13 weeks.

First baby first try, Wednesday I started to bleed Thursday EPU was told a MMC. Baby only made it to 6-8week but my body was still telling me everything was fine till 12 weeks.

Heart breaking.

Thank you @dovegrey18.

@Girltravelor I'm so sorry for your loss. It's heartbreaking isn't it. Hope that you find strength to cope with the pain over time. It's so terribly sad so many of us are going through this grief.

@ChristmasAccountant thank you for your kind words, understanding and support. I'm so sorry for your losses too. One is heartbreaking, I cannot imagine how you must feel having more.

@Funnybunnyfluff I'm really sorry you find yourself here. Do make sure you take all the time you need to heal emotionally and physically from this. I hope you have support around you at this really terrible time.

I've tried to distract myself this weekend with varying degrees of success. Shed a tear this morning and I'm not sure I'll ever stop crying for my baby. I will always love my little bean and will always wonder as time goes by what the pregnancy would have been like had it progressed and then how they would look and their personality once born. I'm dreading Christmas, New Year and the due date in January. I'm dreading life without having my own children.

The past few weeks I've still been feeling low and tearful. 9 weeks on though and at least I'm getting on with most routine things now. I still feel angry, hurt, bitter, jealous, cheated and disappointed and like a massive failure. I don't think those feelings will ever go. I need to find a way to cope better and control my emotions. Whenever someone at work mentions babies, children and maternity I want to run away and cry. Can't help thinking that right now I should be over the half way point of my pregnancy now but I'm not

Sending you big hugs indreamland. Life is so cruel at times, take care of yourself xx

Just been for my scan to check all of the remnants of the twins have gone .. sitting in the waiting room waiting for my appt beside a woman .. the woman’s daughter comes out chuffed to bits very loudly announced her twins are fine and at her next scan they want the names picked she doesn’t know what they are yet then begins to get the photos out ... I had to leave and go to the car park and cry .. that should be me .. instead I have to hide away and grieve for What could have been .. this is not this girls fault if I was her I’d be exactly the same I’m not jealous .. I’m angry .. I want to know why ?? Why me ?? Why my husband ?? What have we done to deserve all this .. by the time I got in the scan room and the dr asked me how I was,I was hystericaland I know I am gonna have to get used to it I’m gonna have to pull myself together I thought I was getting better and maybe go back to work .. Confirmed after today too early to even think about it @indreamland sorry I’m only getting back to you now I deleted my account as I was in such a state after the procedure life is very cruel to us all at the moment but as people keep telling me .. next time will be your time .. I just hope they’re right .. thinking of you I’m also very sorry for everyone else ♥️ our babies are in a better place and hopefully there’ll know how loved they are .. all I want for us all now is a happy ending .. I know I go on a bit but thankyou so much for this thread cause although it’s horrendous circumstances I realise I am not alone Xx