Supposed to be 12 weeks today and having first scan - instead am in the darkest place of my life

[InDreamland]

I just needed to write this down as I'm feeling like my whole world right now has crashed around me.

I've posted similar on other threads about my experience recently.

It's taken DH and I 5 years to concieve (natural conception) and the last 4 years have been so difficult - getting AF every month and a few BFNs when AF was late. Investigations didn't show anything wrong with either of us. It has been so painful having all the comments from pretty much everyone about not having kids etc etc. Then at the end of May we suddenly got the BFP we'd be so desperate and longed to get. It was such a relief.

Cue some anxiety and excitement all at the same time. Only a few people were told because I either needed support or was because they were people who needed to know - my parents and sister, my best mate (she's been on this long journey with me and shares the same pain with TTC), closest work colleague (she has been on a similar journey herself), my boss and gym trainers. I dared to dream about what life would be like with our baby from January. I was planning the people we would tell next week about our happy news but had agreed nothing would go on Facebook as we wanted to keep things as private as we could given our difficult journey and also not wanting to upset anyone who was going through their own fertility challenges like we had been. Knowing how seeing all those announcements made me feel I didn't want to do that to anyone else no matter how close or not I was to them. You don't always know what private battles friends and acquaintances are trying to deal with.

On Tuesday I ended up at the EPU to receive the worst news possible. Have to go back on Tuesday next week to confirm mc (apparently they cannot do it from first scan). The past few days have just been awful and I feel like I'm in the darkest days of my life.

Today I feel even worse. Right now we should be at the hospital about to go into our 12 weeks dating and NT scan. Today I'm supposed to be 12 weeks exactly.

I feel so low like I've never felt low like this before. I'm angry with the world but feel justified in feeling like this. I feel cheated and short changed. Like it is all my fault but I don't know what I've done that is so bad to deserve this. At 38 years old I don't think I'll ever get pregnant again. I can't take anymore comments from people about not having children yet and feeling like I'm being judged. I can't cope with seeing pregnant people, hearing pregnancy or birth announcements. I can no longer do the fake smiles and pretending I'm excited or over the moon for others when inside I'm just dying, screaming and crying. I can't do this anymore.

Sorry for the doom and gloom but just needed to get this down somewhere.

I'm so sorry for your loss @Justincase87 and that you're still struggling to cope 3 months on. One thing I've learnt is that we all need to give ourselves time to heal and not expect too much from ourselves and others just have to give us time and space when we need it. This really is just the most rubbish time of my life ever.

I hope seeing your friends today wasn't too painful. I know that feeling of struggling to cope with seeing pregnant women and babies ........I've struggled for years as took us 5 years to get pregnant.

I still feel like my heart has been ripped out and trampled on.

I hope you will get your rainbow baby soon! x

I'm struggling to cope with AF which arrived yesterday. It's not like my normal AF. Feeling sorry for myself.

@Justincase87 I wonder if it might help you to take a break from your friends with kids? I personally have found it a helpful thing to do. I need to protect my mental health and being exposed to babies/pregnant ladies was not conducive! I wrote a card to my best friend explaining why I needed to ‘lie low’ for a bit, she was very understanding and has totally backed off until I’m ready to reconnect. This might be something to consider doing. X

I wish I could completely avoid pregnant women and prams and babies but unfortunately it's impossible. They're everywhere I go.

Feeling tearful again this morning. I miss my little bean! I just want my baby back with us, I know I was still in the first trimeter towards the end but I felt such a strong love and bond.

Whilst I'm now almost going about doing "normal" things I don't feel "normal". I still feel like I want to run away and hide.

I know it’s impossible to avoid babies/pregnant ladies entirely, but could you maybe hold off from making arrangements to see friends who have kids/are pregnant, just for a bit, until you’re feeling less raw?

I think it’s totally fine to run away and hide, if that’s what you feel like doing. That what I do when I’m feeling crappy. I just wait it out until I feel like rejoining the human race. Do you feel like you’re under pressure to get back to being ‘normal’? Can you perhaps instead just do the absolute bare minimum you need to do, for now...? Just an idea x

@Pegs11 unfortunately it's impossible for me to avoid them, it's actually less family and friends at the moment who are pregnant/have kids that I need to avoid as I'm staying off Facebook and those I tend to see don't have them/aren't pregnant yet. It's generally kust everywhere I go. I definitely feel the pressure to just return to "normal" and I don't think I will ever be back to my old self, this is my new "normal" which is one where I just feel rubbish about myself, my situation of not being able to give my husband and I the child we so desperately want and just generally feeling like a total failure. I'm not sleeping properly so I'm tired and physically I still feel like I've fallen apart and nothing works. My AF that started on Friday seems to have tapered off already which means on day 4 it's almost non existant which is really not normal. My brain isn't functioning, we left the house yesterday to go out and had to go back 3 times because I kept forgetting things we needed - this is really unlike me .......... today is 5 weeks since the mc and I still feel so lost and broken.

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, @InDreamland. I am not surprised you’re not on top form at the moment, you are still grieving and processing and that (necessarily) takes energy, so you’ve every reason to be tired and forgetful at the moment. Please don’t beat yourself up.

Where do you feel the pressure is coming from to get back to normal? Other people? Yourself? Or both?

You need to be kinder to yourself and reset your expectations.

It is totally normal to be feeling how you do. It's devastating, yes, but normal. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling this way. It is not out of the ordinary.

So many other thousands of women losing their pregnancies at end of trimester one, will be feeling exactly the same, right now, many also after many years TTC, and many also after years of gruelling fertility treatment. Myself included. You are not alone in feeling like this. We are all crying and we are all struggling.

You don't need to be a hero for anyone. Nor be a victim. All you can do is take one day at a time and do your best, for yourself, to get back on your feet, at a pace that is right for you. There is no expectation.

Things won't be the same no. They can't be.
Please don't beat yourself up about how you are feeling and your own personal recovery process. Just take it as it comes.

Thanks @Pegs11. Just feel like it's pressure from everywhere. I feel stuck and can't drag myself out of this darkness. Everyone is getting on with life and I'm going nowhere because my life has stalled as my baby was ripped away from me. Stuff needs doing at home and at work but I have no energy to do them. I have no enthusiasm for life anymore. It's such a miserable existence.

@Botanica, thank you for your comments and I'm so sorry for your loss too. Whilst I'd never wish this upon someone it helps knowing I'm not alone even if I feel it. I just hate what I've become. I've turned into a really angry, bitter, jealous and resentful person. All that mixed with my grief and not being able to understand why this is happening to us. I'm worried about my DH, think he's had a delayed reaction, he was upset but think because he had a lot he had to focus on he sort of picked himself up and got on with things but now those things are completed it's hit him in like a second wave and think he's struggled to focus and sleep too - not quite as bad as me but still affected.

I also feel like I'm letting people down, including myself. I'm worried people will get bored and impatient with me whilst I try and pick myself up and start thinking ill of me because I'm not what I used to be.

@InDreamland, it sounds like you have sunk into depression, and that can be difficult to pull yourself out of without a bit of help and support. When did you last visit your GP? I think you should let them know what’s going on with you currently. Also have you had any counselling recently? I know none of those things will bring your baby back, but it might help set you on the path to getting a little bit of YOU back. Xxx

Thanks @Pegs11. I have my next counselling session next week so will talk through more with the counsellor then. I don't think I'm quite in depression at the moment as I can laugh at some small things, it's just generally I feel so sad and lost but I am only 5 weeks since my baby left me and so not sure I can really be any better than this. I am going out and about now although it is difficult but at least I am doing it so hopefully that is a positive sign. If I get worse though I will definitely see my GP. Despite how low I feel I do feel I've made progress from what I was like 5-6 weeks ago.

I managed a full day in the office today but admittedly spent majority of it in meetings with only a couple of people so easier to handle. The commute both ways was really hard. Pregnant women everywhere making me feel so sad and robbed why can't I just have a baby?

I'm supposed to be 18 weeks tomorrow. Does everyone else who has had a mc go through this? Counting every week they should be? All those milestones you thought you'd be at. Goodness knows what I'll be like on the due date.

Another day trying desperately to hold back the tears. This has got to be one of the cruellest things life can throw at people. Then when I'm out it's a constant reminder of what I can't have ..........pregnant women everywhere, in my face, like life and the universe is taunting me.

I’m so sorry that you are feeling this way, the rawness and anguish comes through in everything you say. I’ve had 3 miscarriages and the hardest thing to do is to stop counting the ‘should haves’ and accept what has happened. Your post is screaming that you are not ready to do this yet but I hope that with your counsellor you can begin to let go. Letting go is not forgetting, or even about moving on, it is about accepting what has happened and acknowledging that it has changed you. The Miscarriage Association have some good resources and a helpline if you need to talk and when you are ready they have lots of suggestions of ways to memorialise your loss if that is something you feel would help you. www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/your-feelings/marking-your-loss

Thank you for your post @AltCarbon amd I'm so sorry for your losses. I'm just not ready yet emotionally to accept what has happened.

I had another blow just now getting home from work. Just opened a letter from NHS, I had a gynae appointment for the fertility clinic booked in for 6th September which I had booked a couple of weeks after the mc, at least I felt I was doing something proactive. Letter says clinic cancelled and given me a new date for 3rd October! A whole month later! I don't need this delay, I need to see someone quickly and the NHS have just messed my head up more. The world and universe are working against me, punishing me and I just feel like I'm never supposed to have a family. It's just not fair. I can't even make the rescheduled appointment because I have a full work diary which means I'll probably not be able to actually get to a clinic for another month so November. I may as well just give up now. Obviously the universe doesn't want me to have children and is trying to torture me.

I was really looking forward to this weekend but now it's ruined.

So much for going away to try and 'heal' at a spa. Pregnant women in my face I feel they are following me around. Also came down with a horrid cold Saturday morning.

How can I escape the constant reminder of losing our baby? When will life start being kind to me? Our baby is so very much wanted and loved but ripped away yet so many people don't want them but can have them. I can't get my head around it. Surely 5 years was a long enough wait for our little miracle but I got a short taster of it and then had it stolen from me. I can't help feeling cheated and robbed. 6 weeks today I lost my little bean and feel like I will never learn to cope with the grief and our loss. Plus all the anger and bitterness is so strong now - I've turned into a nasty person. Feel like I want to run away and not have to see or speak to anyone apart from my DH.

@InDreamland I was thinking of you and wondering how you were getting on. It's totally shit isn't it I totally understand how you feel about babies everywhere and the constant reminder. Where I work people come in a lot with babies and it's so hard. I had a meltdown at work the other day because there had been so many and I just thought, why can everyone else's body manage it and mine can't? Thinking about it afterwards I realised that any of those ladies may have previously been through what we have, or maybe someone else was also seeing those babies and feeling the same way I was. There's more of us around than I thought, and while I wish nobody should have to go through this it can help knowing that we're not alone.

Please don't think you're a nasty person for feeling this way. You're not at all, you're grieving and trying hard to process this as best you can. There's no rule book and no right way to feel

I'm genuinely concerned for your mental health OP. Are you in contact with any miscarriage charities, or seeking counselling? Have you been to your GP regarding how low and awful you feel?
From a place of concern you really really to seek help. You are spiralling I to depression.
Your situation is horrible. Your baby was longed for for a very long time and so not only are you grieving for your baby, you are grieving for all of the years you've wanted the baby. I'm not being harsh, I've been where you are. It is a horrible lonely place, everyone around just carrying on, getting pregnant at the drop of a hat, well that's how it feels. In the past 6 months I've had to come to terms with the fact that I can't have children. I've tried for over 8 years and have had MCs. Coming to terms with the fact that child aren't going to be part of my future was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I still grieve for the child I won't be having. I can tell you that once you find your way through the darkness, and you will, your outlook will change. Me and DH cope by doing lots of stuff together, investing time in enjoying each other's company, it's just us now after all, for many years to come hopefully!
I find it hard spending time with friends who have young children but I also know that's ok for me to feel like that.

Please go see your GP.

@MrsGriff8 thank you. You're so right, that's how I feel about my body, like it's just failed, useless, let me down. You make a very valid point, there's so many of us out there, it feels like such a lonely place. Wish you didn't have to go through this too.

@bluemoonchances thanks for your post and your concern. I do have counselling with a specialist charity and next session is this week so I'll definitely be telling her all about how I feel at the moment and my reactions (internal as well as external) to all reminders of everything. It's terribly sad that you too have been through this. I have been proactive and booked in lots of nice and cool things for DH and I to do together and also stuff with friends (already organised us hosting NYE with very good friends). I am trying so hard.

I'm so glad to hear that you are seeking help, and having special time with your DH. It's soooo hard but I promise you will come through this xx

From my own experience, I think you will naturally arrive at a pivot point where you decide you want to start looking forwards not backwards.

Some time after my loss (April), I realised that my negative mindset was not going to help me conceive again (and replace that gaping whole in my heart and womb). I deleted the pregnancy apps on my phone, stopped counting the weeks and days (although key milestones are always with you), and blocked my pregnant friends on social media.

I knew that the longer I stayed in devastation mode, the longer it would take my body and mind to be ready to try again. And without time on my side (I am 40), I had no choice but to force myself to start to look forward and prepare to try again.

It's not easy and I admit that I had a major meltdown this week. I was on the plane flying out to desperately needed rest and relaxation holiday, yet was seated on a full plane with a baby in front, behind and to my side. There were a further five babies on the plane. No options to move seats. I tried to hold it together but it brought it all back, where I should have been, how big my bump would have been, how I would have felt preparing for the birth etc. Cue unstoppable tears, a panic attack and having to sit out the flight sobbing into the air hostesses shoulder. I wasn't expecting it, but sometimes it just hits you. And that's ok.

But I have to focus on life ahead or I am giving away my dream to grief. Yes, I lost my baby, but I've firmly decided I don't want to lose the chance of another. I have to move on. It's so hard, but I have to.

You are not alone x

Thanks @bluemoonchances.

@Botanica I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. It really is so rubbish isn't it. I know deep down that one day I will eventually cope better.......but never forget. The grief will always be there but will be easier to manage. It's so hard trying to escape from the constant reminders. The whole idea of the bank holiday weekend away was to try escape and get some R&R. I found the only safe place to be away from the constant reminders was in the spa pools where pregnant women cannot use. It must have been so awful for you almost feeling trapped on a plane unable to get away from it. Glad it sounds like you were looked after by the crew. I have 3 trips abroad booked between now and Christmas, 2 short haul city breaks with different friends and a long haul beach destination with DH which was supposed to be our babymoon! The short haul trips are generally business routes so hope I'll escape any babies and the long haul we're flying in business where usually there are less children so hope I escape them on there too. If there are babies I know I'll break down, especially as it's supposed to be our babymoon. I have started thinking about TTC again but in such a negative mindset about whether I'll ever either get pregnant again given how long it took or if I miraculously do then anxious about another mc. I'm writing this on a train with loads of babies in the carriage ..........feels so shit. This whole experience really has changed me. I hope you get your rainbow baby soon x

Just called up bookings line for my gynae appointment that was cancelled and rescheduled for a month later. There is nothing at all available sooner. I'm so angry and upset. Going to look into going private.

I'm really hoping counselling session will help me today. I still feel safer hiding away at home and not having to speak to people. I hate the really sad feelings I get when I'm out as inevitably someone is pregnant or has a baby.

DH and I are TTC again now but I just don't believe I'll ever get pregnant again or if I miraculously do then anxious I won't keep it again. I want to be pregnant again but at the same time I want my baby back who should be 19 weeks tomorrow and I should be starting to get a bump now.

Good luck op. Don't get your hopes up for feeling better after the first session, it's a long process, but you're doing amazing by putting yourself on the path x

Thanks @bluemoonchances. This was our second session. DH may not come to anymore with me. I do find it helps to talk, problem is sustaining the thoughts and feelings as it's so easy for something to trigger the sadness, anger and bitterness again. I need to find myself again, what I was before I completely re-planned my life when I found out I was pregnant. Need to decide what my future will/might me. Need to learn to cope with and control my emotions when I am constantly reminded how useless my body is and what I almost thought I'd have in January and now not going to.