Supposed to be 12 weeks today and having first scan - instead am in the darkest place of my life

[InDreamland]

I just needed to write this down as I'm feeling like my whole world right now has crashed around me.

I've posted similar on other threads about my experience recently.

It's taken DH and I 5 years to concieve (natural conception) and the last 4 years have been so difficult - getting AF every month and a few BFNs when AF was late. Investigations didn't show anything wrong with either of us. It has been so painful having all the comments from pretty much everyone about not having kids etc etc. Then at the end of May we suddenly got the BFP we'd be so desperate and longed to get. It was such a relief.

Cue some anxiety and excitement all at the same time. Only a few people were told because I either needed support or was because they were people who needed to know - my parents and sister, my best mate (she's been on this long journey with me and shares the same pain with TTC), closest work colleague (she has been on a similar journey herself), my boss and gym trainers. I dared to dream about what life would be like with our baby from January. I was planning the people we would tell next week about our happy news but had agreed nothing would go on Facebook as we wanted to keep things as private as we could given our difficult journey and also not wanting to upset anyone who was going through their own fertility challenges like we had been. Knowing how seeing all those announcements made me feel I didn't want to do that to anyone else no matter how close or not I was to them. You don't always know what private battles friends and acquaintances are trying to deal with.

On Tuesday I ended up at the EPU to receive the worst news possible. Have to go back on Tuesday next week to confirm mc (apparently they cannot do it from first scan). The past few days have just been awful and I feel like I'm in the darkest days of my life.

Today I feel even worse. Right now we should be at the hospital about to go into our 12 weeks dating and NT scan. Today I'm supposed to be 12 weeks exactly.

I feel so low like I've never felt low like this before. I'm angry with the world but feel justified in feeling like this. I feel cheated and short changed. Like it is all my fault but I don't know what I've done that is so bad to deserve this. At 38 years old I don't think I'll ever get pregnant again. I can't take anymore comments from people about not having children yet and feeling like I'm being judged. I can't cope with seeing pregnant people, hearing pregnancy or birth announcements. I can no longer do the fake smiles and pretending I'm excited or over the moon for others when inside I'm just dying, screaming and crying. I can't do this anymore.

Sorry for the doom and gloom but just needed to get this down somewhere.

Thanks everyone. I really am just feeling like there's no way out of this. The bleeding is still being very light and slow.

DH and I have booked a spa break for the August bank holiday weekend when hopefully the physical side for me will have settled down. At least i hope it will have settled by then.

I just keep asking myself what i did wrong. Why me? How can it have taken 5 years to get pregnant but then have it just end like this.

I'm still feeling so low this morning. Can't face the world with people happy and smiling and pregnant. My body is doing stuff i just can't understand. I just feel like a complete total utter failure. My DH is being so amazing through this despite also hurting but I just feel like I've let him down. I think by getting excited, looking up car seats and prams, telling the few people I did about the pregnancy, making mental plans for our son/daughter, looking to get our finances in order etc i just jinxed it. I shouldn't have done anything.

No you didn't jinx it. Everyone makes plans when they're pregnant. You telling people, getting excited, planning things had nothing to do with the MC. Think of it the other way if it helps. For the short time your baby was with you s/he was loved and wanted.

I can't help but feel though that I am somehow being punished for something. Like I must be so horrible to deserve this, even more awful and evil than terrorists who seem to be able to have kids and some people I know who are just so mean and cruel but can have kids and happiness.

Our baby is still so very much wanted and loved but s/he is never going to join us.

InDreamland, I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I wish I could help in real life somehow.

I had early losses and we've never managed to have a child. It's taken years to start to come to terms with it, and there are many days I'm not there. I don't like announcements or judgment either.

Logically, I hope you come to realise that nothing you did could have caused this. You're not horrible. You're not unworthy. From the way you write you're clearly a lovely, kind compassionate person, and would have been a brilliant Mum.

Women just aren't able to spontaneously lose pregnancies or stop them from happening. If that were true there'd be no unwanted pregnancies or babies or abortion clinics ever.

Right now you're searching for answers and meanings and it's so much easier to blame yourself than hear that life is just shit, for no reason at all, and especially so for some people. But you couldn't have done anything differently at all.

Let it out, don't bottle it up. Talk here, talk to your husband, talk to your little one even. Talk to a counsellor if you can, sometimes it helps.

[post edited by MNHQ at posters request]

I just wanted to echo what pp have said. None of this is your fault. You have never done anything wrong and do not deserve this. Sometimes these things happen for no reason at all. It’s hard to accept that there is nothing to blame, no reason for it all.
You sound so very lovely and your relationship with your dh sounds very strong and loving. Booking a break away was absolutely the right thing to do.
It will never get easier, no words will help and there will be some times that will be harder than others, but you will get through it with the support of your dh and those family and friends who know your journey.
Best of luck for your future, whatever path it takes

@Mogleflop thank you for your kind words. I'm so sorry to hear of your losses too, it's so sad we have to go through this.

@Chocolatecake12 thank you too for your kind words.

The support from everyone on here is so amazing. Right now I feel terrible physically. Had a scary moment earlier with racing heart, felt really sick and hot then passed something large on the loo, I could feel it slipping out of me iy was scary. Couldn't see what it was. The bleeding has stepped up a gear too and getting period like cramps only worse like with back pain - I don't normally get bad period cramps, well not since my teens and early 20s. Also can't believe how much I'm crying. I don't feel like I've got the same strength everyone else seems to have on here.

Thanks again to everyone on here who has posted words of support. I really do appreciate it x

How are you doing today op?

Thanks for asking @Chocolatecake12, I'm not great, not in pain but absolutely exhausted today and had another few cries. I just can't see how anyone recovers emotionally from this after thr physical side has passed. I'm back at the EPU tomorrow for our second scan to confirm what we already know given how much clots and lumps and bright red blood I've lost since Friday night. I just wanna hide and now haven't left the house since Tuesday last week.

Sorry you find yourself here @InDreamland I like you blamed myself as my baby stopped growing at 6w3d I found out when I should be 8w. That was in May I've had 2 periods since feel like I'm being punshined, don't understand why I'm not getting pregnant but petrified it'll happen again.
I don't think I could go through the physical and mental pain again. I had medical management but started to loose the baby the day before I was up all night in pain.
I hope it goes as well as it can at EPU, I thought I'd be fine as I already knew but the 2nd scan made it real.x

It’s so hard. I know how you feel. It’s like the world is ending but everyone else is getting on with their lives while you are in the darkest place imaginable. I’ve been there.

We’d been trying for four years and had started fertility treatment when I got my miracle BFP. I was devastated when I went for a scan and was told I was having a miscarriage (yet had to go back 7 days later to have it confirmed).

I was 35 and cried a lot. It had taken so long and I had so many plans. We went on a three week holiday and I sat on the beach and cried some more.

A year to the day of that miscarriage I gave birth to my beautiful funny DD. A few years later cheeky DS came along.

Have hope and don’t write off the future.

@Michelle0507 and @SaltySeaBird I'm so sorry for your losses but thank you for sharing your experiences. @SaltySeaBird it's so nice to hear your similar story but that it had a happy ending eventually. @Michelle0507 I hope you soon will have the baby you long for. Please get support, maybe speak to your GP and seek out some counselling

So yesterday I wrote about my experience on Sunday night and stupidly thought that I had gotten off lightly with the mc. How wrong I was - that must have been the teaser taster of what was to come.

Lastnight I got mild backache which then moved and spread to my front and the pain intensified to what I can only describe as feeling like i was being ripped apart from inside. Thankfully I went to sit on the loo early on, about 20 mins after the pain started to get worse. I've never felt pain so excruciating. The ordeal lasted almost 4 hours. I felt so much slipping out of me it was awful and have to say looked like something out of a horror film at the end. Poor DH could only watch and wanted to call an ambulance but I couldn't bear the thought of actually being moved when I was in so much pain. By the end I was exhausted and DH thought I'd passed out as i just flopped on him after the final "contraction". That's got to be the worst experience of my life so far. Is labour worse than that?

I've got my second scan to confirm mc at the EPU this morning and not sure how after last night I'm going to be able to hold it together. I feel so empty. I just want my baby but after last night it's definitely over.

How much longer does the bleeding last? I'm still bleeding a bit but never ever want a repeat of last night.

Hi @InDreamland - sorry you've been going through this. It sounds like the worst is over though - I had similar when I miscarried the first time - I was flopped on the toilet floor exhausted too towards the end. It sounds like you have passed most of it, so hopefully bleeding and pain will die down now. Don't be scared to call the EPU if it gets worse again though as it's a horrific thing to go through and having had the surgical management the most recent time I'd take that any day over doing it naturally!
In terms of is labour worse or not; honest answer is yes and no for me. I had back to back labour with my DS so it was possibly more painful than average, but I'd say labour was worse as it went on longer, but the actual pain wasn't much worse and the fact is that you get a baby at the end and that makes it all so different and so much more bearable. Miscarriage is cruel so imo it hurts more in many ways as it's just such a horrible thing to go through. The limbo of waiting until you are able to move on is horrible too, but I've just had my first period post surgical management and hopefully things are back to normal now, so I'm feeling much better about it all. Hopefully it won't be long for your body to get back to normal, but give yourself time to recover emotionally. I still get emotional about my miscarriages now and I know I still will for a long time, especially if we don't get a baby in the end, but you are much younger than me, so you had a much better chance of getting there soon xx

I’m so sorry this has happened. Ur story is very like mine. Took ages to get pregnant and had a little spotting, went to 12 week scan and only a black hole was shown. No baby. It was awful. Had to go back next day for ‘clearout’. Then it took us years of trying. Dr tried different fertility drugs and even went through one round of IVF. After that I F we had the choice of paying for next set 6 months later or waiting a year for the next NHS set. We decided to blow the money on a big holiday in USA and wait the year. lol and behold I can back from holiday, pregnant !!! Very nervous throughout whole 9 months but baby born healthy. It was a very long hard struggle but now watching my 13 yo DD, I’m thankful.
U need to take time to grieve, individually and as a couple.

@Hobbes39 and @Ladybug666 thank you for being so supportive. Right now I feel so exhausted, numb and empty, my little bean baby is gone and I can't believe all my hope is gone. I can't stop thinking about what might have been, all the plans I'd started making in my head for our baby, all gone. DH seems to be moving on quicker than me and already thinking about getting pregnant again. Just the thought of it fills me with dread, I can't go through this again, I can't deal with losing another baby but at the same time I desperately want my baby.

It's nice to hear your happy ending @Ladybug666. I hope you get your baby soon @Hobbes39 x

Oh OP 😢 it does sound like the worse is over and I'm so sorry you're going through this maybe planning ahead is helping your DH? He probably won't have a clue how to feel anything but helpless. X

Thanks @WooYa. Yes maybe, he wants to try and keep his routine as normal as possible whereas I'm still in bed and physically I feel like since Monday night I have no strength or energy in my muscles. Is this normal after mc? I'm just utterly exhausted. Am taking iron and bloods for iron levels came back all normal yesterday thankfully.

Emotionally I just don't know how I'll ever move on.

You're emotionally and mentally drained so you stay in bed :) maybe invite DH in to watch a film? It will do you good to spend time together not talking but being together.
Time will help you heal enough to know and love your little bean and one day the pain will just be a little less x

Thanks @WooYa. I might just ask him to do that tomorrow. I don't think he quite realises what I'm going through, I know it's his baby loss too and he is upset about it but he's not experiencing the physical side of the mc too. It's my body that couldn't get pregnant for 5 years then when I did fall pregnant my body failed to sustain the pregnancy and our baby died. I told him that this evening and he's being more gentle again now.

How long did everyone stay indoors for after finding out about their mmc and/or actually having the mc? With the exception of going to medical appointments? Since Tuesday last week I've literally not left the house apart from to go to the EPU and can't face going out and facing the world but I know I'll have to at some point but I just can't. I'm not even responding to sone text messages from people as just can't bring myself to converse with them without getting upset. The only friends/ colleagues I've been able to have contact with are those I know have experienced same/similar ......

It's great that you're talking and although no one can fully understand how you feel, it's good that he's trying.
Do you maybe feel up to going to the shop? Or a walk to a park? I found taking a book to the park in the middle of the day when it's quiet helped. X

@WooYa he is being a darling and I'm lucky to have such a loving husband. I almost agreed to go out today but just couldn't face it in the end.

I'm finding myself feeling so angry at the world. Why me? Why do I deserve such misery and heartache? It's not fair.

My sister and I have a cousin, without going into too much detail this cousin in a nut shell since were were young has always got everything she wants, incredibly spoilt, in fact my sister and I were forced to give up our stuff (toys etc) to give to her just because she wanted them! Despite her dad being rich and able to afford anything. We live on opposite sides of the globe so barely saw the family growing up. Then as we got older on the rare occasions we did see family as we flew over to visit she was a complete total nasty bitch towards both of us for no reason at all. Just was nasty and evil and did it openly in front of the family and our parents - said and did horrid stuff which was really upsetting. She has also behaved disgracefully with other stuff which has also upset her family and our extended family. Yet.............. she is rewarded for her behaviour with a baby, she used the pregnancy and baby to get other stuff she wants out of the family - line a pawn which is manipulative! How is this fair? Why does she deserve a baby and I don't? Why is it me who loses my baby? Why did my baby die and not make it?

I just don't understand why someone so outwardly and blatantly horrible can have so much privilege and joy and I can't? Am I even more horrid than she is?

It's shit isn't it? I'm sure you're a lovely woman and your DH is lovely too (you could also be crazy but I won't judge ) and shit things happen to good people. I felt like this too, I was the last one in my friends to give birth and the empty feeling I had playing Auntie then passing baby back was horrible 😢
Just know there's every chance you can have another baby.
Time is supposed to heal all wounds - it doesn't but it will hurt less. We're here for you ❤️

Thanks @WooYa. I feel like I'm going crazy.

I also feel like a total complete and uttwr failure. As a wife, because I can't give my husband the child he wants so much, as a mother because I couldn't keep my baby alive inside me, as a daughter because I can't give my parents a grandchild, as a sister because I can't give my sister the niece/nephew she was getting excited about and as woman I have just totally failed.

Thanks for all the love you show. I feel like the ladies on MN are the only ones who understand what I'm going through.

I just can't get my head around why shit stuff happens to good people. My best mate is so lovely. Kind caring and lots of love to give. She too has been trying for years to get pregnant but so far nothing. It's so unfair. I just feel like life punishes nice good people but for what!?

It's a week on since I wrote my original post and I still feel like I'm in some hideous nightmare and won't wake up from it. Supposed to be 13 weeks today. Instead I now have an empty womb where my baby was. It's only 4 days since my complete natural mc at 12+3 and 10 days since we found out baby hadn't survived at 11+4.

Why me? Why us?

I feel exhusted still - physically and emotionally.

I had a dream last night that I was holding my newborn baby but when I woke up I was just more upset at realising it wasn't real and I really have lost my baby.