Recurrent Miscarriage Support Thread - Thread 17 - Tests, treatment and trying again

[Flower29]

Information, support, hand holding, tea, sympathy and a hell of a lot of combined knowledge - all welcome as we try to make sense of the RMC roller coaster of tests, NHS admin, heart ache and (hopefully) happy endings!
Please start with a recap of your stats

Baking I 100% didn't take it as criticism I know that it's not for everyone (price/distance/time). It frustrates me so much that so many women are tagged with 'unexplained' and believe that's exactly what it is. There has to be a reason. If drug addicts, alcoholics and malnourished people can conceive and carry without issue it goes without saying that normally healthy people should be able to too... There has to be an underlying reason.
While I wholeheartedly support the nhs and understand it hasn't got an infinite pot of money, when you're faced with an issue it won't rest for it all seems so unfair!

Just - don't feel guilty - you've been where they are, experienced their feelings and so are full of empathy for their situation. I'm sure they are super happy for you

Seeking I think that's it, I might learn more that worries me rather than anything I can act on. I read The Mind Body Fertility Connection and the conclusion I took from that was I wasn't going to get pg without a course of hypnosis.... Not particularly helpful, as I now feel like maybe we should have tried it.
Even if we had the time and money for the immunology stuff in London, I'm not sure how that would work with an nhs ivf cycle, so there doesn't seem any point. Why does it have to be so difficult? Oh for the days when I thought having unprotected sex could end in a baby!

Just do they know your history? I find pg women very difficult to be around, but if I know they have some understanding of where I am due to their own difficulties, and therefore don't take it personally if I avoid them, it makes me feel better.

Hey all. Thanks for the reassurance and empathy. I've gone v. negative haven't I! Can't help it sadly - just going to take it easy till Wed. I've got a bit dependent on the emotional support of DH I think and am finding being away hard going - even just for a few days. Which is odd as in the past I've thought nothing of swanning off travelling without him for months at a time. I guess rm makes you a bit needy. Back tomorrow though.

Just - I do feel for you. That position must feel awkward. I would bear in mind that most of us seem to see pregnant women who have struggled more positively than 'generic' pregnant ladies.

Ha ha to 50 shades. Sorry to those having issues with regard to marriage. It took us 11 years before we got married. It was also a bone of contention after approximately a decade!!

Just I understand that feeling so well. As you know, I have posted bump photos on fb, knowing that I have friends going through mc and fertility issues. I am full of "survivors guilt", but am coming to terms (slowly) with the idea that you can celebrate your own pregnancy, and it is ok.

Just, as seeking said don't feel guilty, you have earnt your bump and I'm sure without thinking about it you're being sensitive.

Discussion about boob sizes made me chuckle. I'm normally e cup but went upto a H when I was pregnant/ breastfeeding and remember having a mother of all tantrums when I couldn't get a pretty nursing bra. Would love to have that issue now but for what it's worth they have gone back to pre pregnancy size.

Feeling a bit peeved with myself as after 5 months of not ttc and being good and keeping Mr Girlie at arms length, with a week to go to our appointment we were say we say less than restrained last night. ??

Pretty unlikely that I was ovulating but will kick myself if I now fall pregnant.

barking I started reading The Mind Body Fertility Connection that just kindly sent me yesterday. I agree that it's very hypnosis centred, but I think there's a lot in there that can be done without hypnosis. It was interesting for me to reflect on possible "emotional blocks" (I listed about 10!!) and I am going to try to work through some of those and also try some of the meditation and imagining. I know for sure that I have struggled with being able to imagine having a baby - in fact I have often actively blocked this process as it feels too painful. There are a few other past feelings knocking around that are complicated too. I am now going to do everything I can to communicate to my body that I want to be pregnant! So yes, I am now the crazy lady imagining my uterus as a snuggly, safe and cosy place!!

just I feel like that too. When I joined this thread we were all in more or less the same boat, with baking as the wise sister who was guiding us through. Now we have quite a lot of pregnant women but lots more still in the raw hell stage. I don't know how that feels. I think I would like to have seen more positive stories at that stage though. I really wanted there to be an answer and a fix, and certainly I was cheering on tanny and tiny every step of the way when they got pregnant ahead of me.

Have we made a plan for this week? Is wed a good day?

Thanks Ladies. I know you're right, but I did feel awkward when it happened.

Barking, I read the mind/body fertility book and did have a course of cognitive hypnotherapy, which I actually do think helped. Certainly with the PTSD element of all of the medical procedures and fear of scans and hospitals etc. The mantra 'this time is different' which was embedded in the recordings she gave me to go to sleep to between sessions, and some visualisations of me having internal dials and levers for things like hormones, blood and anxiety etc which I could 'turn up' and 'down' was quite helpful.

Just bought some bra back extenders off amazon as I can't afford to keep buying new bras. Afterwards, perhaps they can be put to good use as some kind of sustainable fishing nets or something.

I might dip back into it Flen, try some of the positive affirmations going into the ivf! I did try for the iui, imagining myself pg etc, which was then harder to accept when it failed, so it's a fine line.

One of the first things my therapist challenged me on was that fact that I routinely referred to my body as 'an idiot', which isn't really a place you've want to put your potential children. Seems obvious, but I think I needed to have it pointed out to me.

xpost just. That's interesting. I'm currently throwing money at acupuncture, and I think that helps with my mental state as well. It's a fine line between stopping yourself throwing yet more money at it, and feeling like you haven't tried everything yet. I had a similar course of treatment years ago when I had ME, a lot of the visualisation, changing the way you think, blocking and addressing negative thoughts etc was very familiar to me. I thought I already had the skills and could apply them in this situation. I've also gone down the Catching Rainbows route (has anyone else on here come across that website?) and she gave me some positive affirmations and some meditation tracks focusing on ttc after mc. I figured I was already doing a lot of what he advised, so going for the hypnotherapy on top of it was overkill (and very difficult to fit in around working hours as well as expensive). I'd be interested to know what you thought related to me situation though given you tried it.

Longest, I've felt the same. Sometimes I have a pregnancy niggle and i wonder how it feels to read about it if you're still in the thick of tests and loss. On the other hand, I find this a safe space, full of wise and caring advice that I'm not ready to give up. I hope I tread the line of tact and sensitivity well enough most of the time.

barking and just, what the book seems to say is that the shifts need to happen on a deep level, not just consciously (and that's where the hypnosis comes in...) I have therapy weekly anyway so do have a place to talk stuff through, but am going to try the meditation and imagining as a way of getting to that deeper level. Maybe?! just I totally relate to the body being an idiot thing. I guess there are a lot of attitudes that come about over the process of miscarriage either as a response to it or a way of coping that sometimes we aren't fully aware of.

my situation not me....

just and longest I find the presence of pg women on here reassuring. It also gives me the comfort of knowing that if I manage to get pg, I will be able to still be here to get the support of those who understand how terrifying it is after the bfp. I'm on the conception board on a thread with other women who have been trying more than 3 years and been through hell trying to get pg, and it's amazing for the support through infertility, but that would be an entirely inappropriate place for me to start stressing about being pg. I do occasionally get about various things, but there is no one on here who has had an easy journey, just different sources of pain. I might be running out of options and I'm feeling a massive pressure now we are literally at the end of the road with our one ivf after more than 3 desperate years, but I've 'only' had two mc's, and can't imagine what it would be like to go through it 5 times. My cut off is enforced, we can't get pg naturally, and don't have the resources financially or mentally to start throwing tens of thousands of pounds at further rounds of ivf but it must be very difficult to know you can get pg but have to make a decision at some point to stop trying.
That was a very long winded way of saying I don't think anyone who is pg on here is remotely insensitive about it!! On the contrary it's a massive inspiration to have you all around (and I generally hate all pg women with a passion ).

Barking, I found it good in terms of 'doing something' and I let her read my blog before agreeing to start treatment so that I wouldn't need to spend time (and money) in sessions explaining my history. Then I had 4-5 sessions over 3 or so months with recordings to listen to in between. I did most of it in the school summer holidays as I wanted to spend the time 'getting my shit together'. I was also having acupuncture the whole time (I started tutoring her son for his A Levels, so at least that was free). I still have the recordings to listen to if I need to, but I haven't done for a while.
I really do believe that there is something going on with the mind/body stuff, especially as two of the times I've conceived have been in the month before I have investigations booked (HSGs etc.). I think I 'let myself off the hook' thinking 'well it won't happen anyway, and I'm going to find out the reason why next cycle', so something must have 'relaxed' enough to let it happen. I found the bit about your tubes constricting (like you might clench your fists in a stressful situation) really interesting. Also the idea that your subconscious just wants to protect you from more pain of loss, so you really want it in RL, but your subconscious is just saying 'are you serious? We don't want any more of that pain and disappointment.' Of course you can never really know what it was that you did that made the difference, but I'm glad I did try it.

Flen it was that deeper level stuff that worried me. I'm doing everything I can that I'm aware of, and after the last mc I had a couple of counselling sessions at the clinic that opened my eyes to things I hadn't realised I was upset about, but it's not getting to that 'stuff I don't know is happening' level. Maybe I need to get DH to read the book and give me a second opinion (wish me luck there..)

Thanks just, it made sense to me too, the body subconsciously protecting you from harm. I might chat to my acupuncture lady, see want she thinks and whether she could recommend anyone.
I'll go walk the dog now and stop hogging the thread!

boozle we'll hand hold together then. Yikes! Mine is at 9 am so at least it gets it out the way early. What time is yours?

just that's a good pair you've got going! Hope they are containable. Where do you get your bras from? The bigger sizes seem so ugly, I'd like to find a pretty one if I can.

Oh and just I'm still very awkward about my 'good news' so know just what you mean, a girl at my work is six weeks behind me and has told everyone. Lots still don't know about me, must think I'm getting fat or had a boob job haha! X

Cat, thanks. I was obliged to give up on 'pretty' bras years ago (I was a 34G before getting pg in the first place (I'm a 12-14 dress size; very 'hourglass'). I have bought some of these non-wired bras (as the underwires were digging in) www.bravissimo.com/products/lingerie/soft-cup-bras/. They're not too bad. I did go to mothercare to look at their bras but they only go up to G cup. Their maternity shirts and tops were a joke, too. I'm all about the stretchy/jersey tops now, trying to look smart enough for work...

Everyone at work knows as they have advertised and recruited for my mat cover (things need to be done ages in advance in teaching), so people were seeing the vacancy on the school website and then asking me outright as I'm the only person who does that job.

I agree with barking I want to hear the positive stories, I definitely find it helpful and want to hear about your progressing pregnancies - gives me massive hope. And longest with regards to unknowingly upsetting the people you were talking too, we were discussing on the last thread how you feel happy for pregnant ladies when you know they haven't had an easy ride - I'm sure they feel the same too. And again you will be hope for them as you've been there.

I find the fact that people on here are pregnant inspiring rather than a bad thing. It gives me hope that I'll get there and because everyone has had different treatments to get there, gives lots of inspiration for things to try.
It is difficult that we are a rmc group with two distinct subgroups, with and without fertility issues, and i hope I'm not insensitive to the group with them. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you all and i know you go through a very different journey.
I did find myself feeling horribly guilty when i got the bfp last week. Strangely i feel like It's almost a relief that I've lost it in terms of the board, as i don't have the guilt anymore. I know that's a really unhealthy way to think but I've become so reliant on you all that I just felt awful that others were feeling bad because of my bfp. I'm hoping that when I'm next trying, nobody else will be at the same time (hopefully because you'll all be already pg!)

I'm very new to this thread but wanted to say that knowing sone ladies here are pregnant gives me hope. If I get pregnant again, it'll be my 6th time. If it fails, I really don't think I have the emotional strength to go through it again. My MMC at 11 weeks was and still is devastating. It is truly wonderful to know people do go on to have successful pregnancies.

I agree with what others have said, I find it gives me hope that others on this thread are pregnant after having been through so much. I think that having had the experience of miscarriage makes you all more sensitive, which means a lot to me.