Recurrent Miscarriage Support Thread 16 - tests, treatment and trying again

[Justonemoretime]

Information, support, hand holding, tea, sympathy and a hell of a lot of combined knowledge - all welcome as we try to make sense of the RMC roller coaster of tests, NHS admin, heart ache and (hopefully) happy endings!
Please start with a recap of your stats :)

brummie, it's perfectly normal and ok for you still to be grieving. Please don't feel there is some magical time limit on this. It does get easier. For me, that started to happen when I was able to look forward again after my appointment with rmc, but don't be too hard on yourself that you're not there yet. It's still very soon.
I still struggle with actually meeting pregnant people, although at least in my mind now I've started to think it might be ok to see them (if they weren't completely insensitive! ), so I'm hoping that's a step in the right direction. You will get there and you won't feel like that forever. In the meantime, you don't have to 'just get on with it'. Do whatever feels right

Brummie that's tough, and Flower and March are right. It takes as long as it takes. Grief isn't time limited and for me comes in waves. Triggers are everywhere. They lurk in all sorts of random places, and make venturing into unknown environments and situations fill you with dread.

It will get better, and eventually will just be another part of what makes you special, but for now please don't feel that any of this is wrong or let others impose their judgements on you.

Black days happen to us all x

Brummie my first miscarriage was summer 2013 my second miscarriage was summer 2014. I still can't cope with pregnant women. Especially those that would have been due the same time as me. Tonight is the baby shower of a close friend of mine. I'm not there. I would have been due this month, I can't face her 'last night if freedom before baby arrives'. I got counseling at the fertility clinic after the second miscarriage following the iui. I spoke to the counsellor at length about completely falling apart every time I saw a pregnant woman and particularly those who had bumps that would have been the same size as mine. I asked how I could cope with this. She basically told me I needed to be kind to myself. If I didn't want to go out and socialise with pregnant women I didn't have to. There was no reason to force myself to do something I didn't want to do or feel ready for. She made me feel a lot better, it was as if she gave me permission to behave in a way that would protect myself regardless of whether anybody else might think I was being ridiculous and should get over it. Obviously your main problem is the colleague and you can't choose to avoid work altogether but you can do everything within your power to make the situation as bearable as possible, and don't feel like you need to apologise for any of it. It's about being kind to yourself.

Thanks ladies puts my mind at rest a little.

Whoop boozle we'll be 20wk scan buddies then, I'm very nervous too so we can hand hold!!! Still almost no bump showing which stresses me out too.

Brummie I had progesterone treatment and took from 7 DPO this time. I have progesterone related fertility issues and took from day 16 before but my new consultant felt that may have been part of my mc cause as she said it can thin the lining if taken too early.

Sorry to hear you're not feeling great. It is so very hard and people who say you have to accept there are pregnant women "everywhere" simply have no clue how you're feeling. We're all here and understand your pain though because we've been there. My counsellor said it's ok to feel jealous and angry sometimes and that helped me a lot. Remember your feelings are as valid and as real as anyone else's xx

cat Progesterone can thin the lining?! What?! I've been taking it since treatment, so essentially since ov. I don't understand how it could thin the lining given it essentially stops the lining shedding?

Barking your counsellor sounds great. It really helps to talk to someone like that. My mum always says "be kind to yourself" and my counsellor says it's ok to say no to things.

I actually decided to stop trying to please other people some time ago (while remaining kind and considerate of course) and it's the best decision I've ever made. I don't have to pretend about anything anymore and I'm very open with people about why I won't go to things. Mostly they are very kind, especially if I'm clear and firm.

Hope the 2ww wait isn't too draining and the UTI is on it's way out now. I've got my fingers, toes, arms and legs crossed you get a BFP xxx

Posts crossed barking! I think it's different with IUI or IVF as you have the other drugs to combat it but when it's a natural cycle she said I should wait until 7dpo. Problem is it's hard to know what to believe as my other consultant always said sooner I took after OV the better. With IUI I know you are always told to take from OV so don't worry!!! Xxx

Gosh it's such a minefield isn't it? I did wonder why not take it for the whole cycle if it's a case of the sooner the better. I took agnus castus throughout my wtf cycle and till I got my bfp in the next cycle. It's supposed to boost progesterone.

The two times I've had hrt I've very heavy AFs and I've put it down to the oestrogen in the first 14 days of the cycle (got just over 2cm lining thickness when they scanned just before AF! This made me think it was hormonal not damage that was causing short and light AFs). Its oestrogen that builds up the lining and progesterone that stops it being shed, and, I think also makes it go though the right changes to enable implantation to take place (decidualisation?) Barking, I'm sure the protocol you're on is right for you. One week to go. x

Longest as just said, it's the oestrogen that builds up the lining in the first half of the cycle, progesterone is only produced after Ov, which is why it wouldn't be prescribed throughout the cycle.
I really don't see how progesterone could make the lining thinner, but it's easy to make me panic right now!!

Hurrah AF turned up this morning. Bang on 28 days after ERPC.

That's late for me as normally 24 days ish. But pretty good by all accounts.

I am pleased because hopefully this means everything is returning to normal. And my next AF will be on or around appointment time so we can be ready to rock and roll and start again

The thought of trying again makes me happy but also makes my heart sink.

I miss DTD just for fun!!!

Brummie, so pleased. Hopefully your hormones will start to settle and you will feel more positive and able to plan, be proactive and move forward. x

Catching up in bits through day...

flen sorry for bfn. I am an IC tester, always the same brand, and get through copious amounts, digging out the bin, shining torches on them, holding against different colour backgrounds to better see any shadow of a line.... Still hoping its just too early for you though.

brummie hugs for all of it. Hope the half days help - sounds like a good plan. Dont worry about dtd, like you say it would be unlikely to happen this month, and even if it did, we cant control everything and some things just have to be left up to chance. I echo everything others have said - there is no time limit on grief and you feel how you feel x

Thanks all for your comments. It helps so much that you all understand why its so gutting not to get results.

just and cat hand holding for scans!

Thanks all. I also have a stinking cold this morning so relieved to be in my pjs in my own house. Not at my parents house facing a drive home after probably a crappy night last night facing pregnant friend and anticipation of pregnant colleague tomorrow.

Pj day today me thinks

Just and cat we'll all be hand holding for you. But the hand holding on here full stop is amazing.

People have held my hands and I hope when I'm a bit calmer, a bit happier and in a positive place, I can hold someone else's hand.

Tanny is this your last week before mat leave??

That's good news brummie. Fingers crossed for a bfp soon though I know it's terrifying. Thanks for the info just. Ov doesn't happen for me until cd28 so maybe it's oestrogen I am short of. Who knows? Hopefully it doesn't matter now.

Barking I hope your uti is better. Off to see my friends having iui today. A lot riding on this cycle for them too as they have limited funds. I understand a bit more about what it entails thanks to your posts.

Another friend is due this month and struggling with what might be antenatal depression. Tbh it's hard for me to understand what she is going through. It would have been my due date the day before her and I can't imagine feeling the same.

This fertility/pregnancy/childrearing business certainly knows how to keep us on our toes eh?

Hiya all.

Sorry for the absence. I've reverted to the thinking patterns of a three year old with my current tactic being 'if you don't think about miscarriage, it can't happen'. Therefore have been avoiding mumsnet quite a bit in favour of perusing the baby section of next. However with three days to go till the 8-week scan to confirm what's going on, the nerves are very much escalating. I'm also quite possibly the most irritable I've ever been. People who know have text to ask how I'm feeling which on one level is very kind and thoughtful. However I'm struggling to know what to say that isn't "how the fuck do you think I'm feeling". I've come in to work today and yesterday to do some unpaid overtime both because I desperately need to catch up and because I'm enjoying the opportunity to distract myself in peace. Very me me me. Sorry.

Tanny - congrats on starting mat leave. It's always so genuinely helpful to hear the positive news from people further down the line as it reminds us that positive outcomes are likely to happen.

Likewise, Belle, don't worry about sounding bad. Again it's so good to hear that there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

Sun - glad your rmc appointment was so positive. The others are right - it's lovely that your consultant was able to be open and supportive about the nk stuff. Sounds like you'll be well looked after there.

Baking - glad to hear little Faith's EEG is normalising. Praying that it all ends up being 'bad luck' as opposed to having an underlying cause. Your strength and ability to care for others at such a time continues to humble me.

Sorry for the bfn Flen. Agree with the others that digis aren't terribly sensitive. Mine turned to positive five days after first response this time.

Cloud - glad your appointment went well too and that DH stepped up.

Bootles - I'm so sorry you didn't get any results. To say that must be frustrating feels like such an understatement - you must be gutted.

Glad AF has arrived Brummie. 28 days isn't bad for a wtf cycle - impressive. Glad work are being reasonably supportive and your colleague is sensitive but ultimately 'she is pregnant'. Your statement that you are grieving three babies really struck me. Sometimes I think we do such a good job of being strong we forget the reality (me anyway - I shouldn't generalise to the rest of you).

Hugs to the rest of you. Sorry to those I've missed. Memory totally failing me.

I thought I read that someone got a bfp this week but now can't find it - am I right and if so who is it?! Looking for a 12ww buddy.

Oh and may I rant about something. Bloody timehop on Facebook. Not content with having put smug statuses up once, people feeling the need to rehash them for all to see. Tomorrow marks the two year anniversary of my first loss at 11 weeks. It's also the day my close friend had her daughter. She doesn't know it happened the same day, I just let her know a couple of weeks later without giving a date (after smiling through all the celebrations). But the timehopping of the countdown to the birth is driving me bonkers. Grrrrrr

Longest - I'd struggle with that too. I know recurrent miscarriages don't give us the monopoly on sadness but I'd really struggle with that.

Congrats on AF Brummie I'm hoping mine arrives next week. So are you waiting til next cycle or trying this one? Sorry if you already said. Also sorry you're struggling with pregnant women. I haven't seen too many thankfully but I do need to stop staring at babies when I'm out and about!

I had an awful nightmare last night where I was in a hospital to see consultant and they just refused to help at all. Was asking that they would at least test the embryo if I mc'd a third time and it was a point blank no, would look into causes at all. I started going into great detail why it was so important to try and test it. Was so frustrated and desperate but she wouldn't listen. Weird, think I was wearing green gown too.

To top it off I have tonsillitis. Boooooo.

DH and I are off to use Groupon for afternoon tea and Spa now. Hopefully relax for a few hours.

Interesting sting reading about the progesterone and linings though. I've always had short cycles and light AF so wondering if I'm not implanting properly. Lasts one position was too low.

Have a good day all xx

Hi Jady we are waiting to see the consultant first - we were told to wait. Plus I'd really panic if caught and then couldn't have the help because I was already pregnant, at the moment I don't trust myself to hold on to them at moment.

I have really short light AF's too!! I'm worrying this is part of problem. My cycles are short, but I also ovulate early too - around day 9 so don't think that is problem.

So am really hoping progesterone might help. My acupuncturist is trying to see if he can lengthen my AF by improving the lining. I'm also drinking raspberry leaf tea and pomegranate juice to try and improve too! Could be a waste of time but I feel like I am doing something,

So with AF starting today, hopefully next AF will be just after rmc appointment and we can try from then. That is my plan anyway...

Enjoy afternoon tea, how very fabulous!!

twilight if it gets too much, just unfollow, so you are still friends but you don't see their posts. I've unfollowed quite a few people. aahh I miss the fb pics of pissed people on a Saturday night. Now it's just scan pics and baby photos

Come back drunken fb posts - all is forgiven!!!!!

Aw twilight good to hear from you. Hand holding for your scan. First trimester is achingly slow eh? It was bythesea who got her bfp this week.

jady tonsillitis sucks. Hope you manage to enjoy the spa anyway. Have spent the morning in kwikfit which is not very glamorous but at least car is fixed. Dd goes to outdoor nursery in the woods on Mondays which is a pita on the bus.

Good news on the AF brummie. Always nice to know your body is doing what it should again.

Nice to hear from you twilight. Good luck for the scan this week X

Just back from dd's swimming class and another effing pregnancy announcement. That's all the mums in the entire class that is either pregnant at the mo or has had their second since Christmas. I'm so fecking sick of it

Sorry, meant to say sorry about the tonsillitis jady. hope it clears up soon and that your AF arrives to this week

A thought on seeing pregnant women. I notice that I'm able to celebrate and root for anyone that I know has struggled. DH's cousin is a fellow 'unlucky 1%er', now 20 weeks pregnant (just is that you? ) and I'm thrilled. Similarly, a woman at work is my age and like me has a 4 year old then massive gap. Like me she conceived in Nov and unlike me she hasn't lost it. I haven't seen her yet (back to work tomorrow) but knowing the journey she had (years go conceive) somehow means it it OK.

Thing is we are the youngest couple in our NCT group. Out of 8 couples 2 struggled to conceive the first, another 3 had miscarriages at 12 WK scans before their first baby. So at that time we were the blissful, naive ones who had had an easy time. How things have changed they mostly got 2nd children now.

I'm waffling I know. I suppose my point is that it's OK to accept and acknowledge your own feelings. Negative to responses to a bump just show how raw your pain is. That's all. But a bump you can see may not be the whole story.

Sending much love to those of you who are struggling, seems to be a lot this weekend. Xxxx

AndCounting, am I 20 weeks? On Wednesday and my 20 week scan is this Tuesday so I will be 19.6. Am I your DH's cousin? No idea?!
Ikwym about the 'rules' we have for the different pg women we know. I guess everyone has their own story we might not know about. But you're allowed to feel what you feel, and not be made to feel guilty on top of it.