Recurrent Miscarriage Support Thread 16 - tests, treatment and trying again

[Justonemoretime]

Information, support, hand holding, tea, sympathy and a hell of a lot of combined knowledge - all welcome as we try to make sense of the RMC roller coaster of tests, NHS admin, heart ache and (hopefully) happy endings!
Please start with a recap of your stats :)

Hugs flower. So hard when all you can see and think about is bumps.

Cloud, Glad you had such a positive consultant appointment. I think sometimes it helps to say everything again anyway, as the notes don't always tell the whole story, so glad you got to tell it and that your oh contributed. Sounds like a positive step forward and I'm glad he was still very positive about your chances. Fingers crossed this is your year x

Sorry to hear that Flower Completely natural for you to feel that way though. All the women in my company have been invited to a baby shower for a colleague (small company). It was done sensitively to me, but still you wish it were you. hugs I don't think the circumstances particularly matter, my colleague is married with 1 DD already and I'm not married myself. Feelings of jealousy may still arise and overwhelm you.

flower The colleague sitting next to me who is pregnant has started doing that thing where she strokes increasingly bigger bump - made me stop in my track And then I just had an email today from a friend that her baby arrived on Monday You can't really escape it... Some days it's not so bad, on others it destroys you. Jealousy is totally normal, do not beat yourself up for feeling that way!

longest If the referral for the MRI takes too long, we will look at the private option, but I would prefer to stay with the NHS, simply for the fact that finances are a bit stretched... I haven't even told DH what the consultant yesterday will cost

In any case I want to get this 2ww out of the way first anyway! 5 DPO today...

Great news bythesea here's to a happy and healthy 9 months!!!

baking we will all be thinking of you and little Faith tomorrow. Hope you can start to take her off the meds and the MRI gives you good news. As always you're being an amazing lady!!!

Hey. Sorry for disappearing for a while.

I just found myself in a bit of a panicky place and needed to be a bit proactive and calm the fuck down. Job done (sort of) and feeling a bit more serene.

I'm sure you can all identify with that feeling that you get so caught up with TTC and the need to carry a healthy pg that you don't stop to question what it'll be like when you have another human to look after. I think it just really hit home that I was still in denial that there was a baby coming, and instead of having 9 months to prepare, I had 6 weeks!

So, I feel like I'm getting there. Hospital bag has been packed (and unpacked thanks to jealous 3 yr old) and all the other bits and pieces have been found and dusted off. I still have my head in the sand about money but this is next on my list.

I am exhausted and finish work tomorrow and have the luxury of a week before having DS home with me too.

I feel bad writing about all of this when so many of us are still in the throws of tests and loss, but the trauma doesn't disappear once you get past the danger zone, and this is still the safest place I have to deal with that.

I promise not to hog the thread with my stuff after this me me me post...

It's good to be back, even after a couple of days x

Tanny, totally understandable. Glad you're feeling better.
About the trauma that says with you, there was a colleague who was pg last year who (although she is lovely and was actually having a pretty tough pregnancy) caused me to have cry in the ladies' a few times (unbeknownst to her). She brought her baby in today and a few people said I should go and see her and have a hold, but I still couldn't and hid in my office. Even as I was doing it, it struck my that it was odd behaviour, given the circumstances. Its hard to unlearn some behaviours.
Baking, sending you strength and good luck vibes to get though the next few days and hopeful that you'll get a good result and can begin to wean Faith off the meds.
Cloud, glad your appointment went well. Its good to have a plan.
Waves to everyone.
Just back from parents evening. Knackered.

Hey all.

Baking good luck to Faith tomorrow. Big hugs.

Well I've survived day 1. I'm exhausted and a bit fragile. I didn't get upset - and everyone at work has been lovely and very genuine.

But it's very obvious that due to my pregnant colleague that I do need to "get on with it" and that my return "must be very hard for her too"

She was lovely actually and asked lots of questions about next steps so I did feel like she was acknowledging what had happened. How did I feel etc - rather than burying her head in sand and it being awkward.

And she quietly vanished this afternoon, and I saw a private appointment in her diary so it was almost certainly a mw appt. but she quietly slipped away without making it obvious. On 1 hand I'm grateful, on the other hand I feel sad for her , but on the final hand (not that I have 3) but i also felt sad and envious. And yes a bit bitter. But that's not her fault.

I think post mc AF is on way. Tinged cm and cramps. Which would be a relief because it means things are functioning.

But being back at work has reminded me what I've now lost.

So feel very low and fragile tonight and actually just drained

Brummie I'm not at all surprised you feel drained. I hated returning to work after a mc as it felt all wrong. It's totally understandable to feel the way you feel towards your colleague. I felt stupid amounts of jealousy for every pg woman I saw and for those who got pg on here At least she is showing sensitivity towards you and not dismissing how you might be feeling. Rest up and try to take it a step at a time.

Just it's daft, but it's there!

Hugs brummie you've done really well to get that first day under your belt. It can't have been easy, especially with your colleague expecting. Be kind to yourself and have treats along the way. I'm sure you will be the one darting off to mw appointments soon.

Waving hi to Tanny! Happy you're doing ok, was considering sending you a PM to check on you but didn't want to pester...

What you have said sounds completely natural to me and if you can't be honest here then where can you be?! After years of dreaming of being pregnant I'm now struggling with the reality of the body changes and I hate my huge boobs

Remember that things will fall into place when baby comes and you will continue to be a great mummy. In the meantime enjoy your week at home and pamper yourself a plenty. You've earned it

Well done for getting through the day brummie. Such a hard time for you but it does get easier. Glad that your colleague is acknowledging it and also being as sensitive as she can be. There's nothing worse than everyone just looking awkward but not daring to actually say anything. I'm sure af will bring mixed emotions but hopefully will feel like the start of the next phase.

lovely to see you back tanny. Totally understand how that must feel. We are all a little bit broken by this and i think it's going to be hard for me to break the habit of negativity when I get to that stage too. Glad you can still talk to us about this all. We're all going to get to this stage so it's good to be prepared by hearing how you and other people get through it.
Glad you are starting to get a little bit prepared for your new arrival. We're here to chat whenever x

Bythesea- fab news. Made a very tired lady happy ????

Will check in tomorrow properly off to crawl into bed ??

brummie well done for getting through the day, it's so hard having everything else carrying on as normal when everything is but normal for you

tanny glad to see you're feeling a bit better

Aaahhh Tanny so lovely to hear from you. Big hugs , hope you are hanging in there. We are all rooting for you!!! xx

On my return to work after mc4 when I was off 2 weeks some guy sitting near me asked if I was better but he obviously had no idea why I'd been off, then some other guy pipes in that he has been under the weather and must be something going round...
I just categorically stated they didn't have what I had and nothing was going round and went to hide in the toilets...

Well done Brummie. It is draining being back but can only get better from here.

Welcome back Tanny! Glad you're feeling more serene. At toddler gymnastics yesterday I overheard one mum tell another she had an 18 year old and a three year old and that she had tried in between but nothing happened until her little miracle finally arrived. I actually cried!

Baking I will be thinking of you tomorrow x

Glad you got through today Brummie and good to hear from you Tanny, hope you are now looking forward to your maternity leave...whoop!

Read today some advice on mourning and how sometimes it's not helpful to hear that time heals as it can be at a time when the only thing left from your pregnancy is your grief so you may not want that final part to leave. Really hit home for me and had a little cry, brought home that everyone's recovery is individual and I'm not the big failure I've been feeling.

Waves to all

Brummie, well don't for getting through it. Its always tough going back, but the next day and the one after that will hopefully get easier. Glad at least that your colleague is being sensitive. Hopefully you can negotiate the coming months without much trauma.

well done!!!! sorry, auto correct fail!

Jady no one here is a failure. We are all dealing with invisible grief and loss. Time helps, I do believe that, but it doesn't heal, just knocks off some of the rawness. After my MCs I sometimes felt like I had this gaping wound that no one could see. My heart goes out to you and everyone in that horrible raw stage.

Thank you for the welcome! And pleased you don't all think I'm batshit crazy a bit oversensitive.

Thanks Tanny. Apologies if that was a bit dark. It was actually a positive experience in helping to drum in that we can put too much pressure on ourselves. Hoping it helps others too. It's okay to sometimes take a step backwards.

You're def not oversensitive, who wouldn't be panicking with such a short time to prepare!

baking thinking of you tomorrow, with absolutely everything crossed. Will also be crossing everything for the starvation bit before her MRI - I presume they will need to sedate her hence the need for the starving, but poor faith and poor you. Is she on any solids yet? Will you be able to stock her up on something filling? You are a strong woman I know, but am sending you strength and positive thoughts x

brummie day 1 is done. Well done. Hoping each one gets a little easier.

cloud that appointment sounds really quite positive all round, and I'm glad that you weren't fobbed off. Really glad. I hope this helps you to go fowards and really go for it each month - who knows, it could even be this month...

jady hope AF comes soon. I'm sure others on here will have had the experience of a long wait post mc, it can be quite normal as I understand it, but must be soooo frustrating.

monten glad you have a referral to gynae, its something to work with at least, and hope you end up not needing any fertility input. I entirely relate to the feeling of wanting to run away (liking your ideas by the way - don't discount them altogether!). I just want to take DS with me, and leave everyone else behind, and just escape all the stress. I'm not really having a chance to process the last mc, but never had the chance to process any of them really, and think it is now coming back to bite me.

Thanks all for your kind words, yes I should try and plan something for me. I'm my own worst enemy as I hate leaving DS when I'm not at work - which is 'only' part time, but that's how I feel. Ugh I think i'll go to bed, start again tomorrow.

Tanny carry on telling us about these late stages of your pregnancy - I truly do want to know, it brings me, all of us, hope. Plus you're lovely and all your wobbles have to go somewhere, so make it here where we all know we'd be exactly the same.

Baking thinking of you all today. It sounds as if Faith is a chip off the block, and will strive to beat this. After my experience of a relatively low dose of steroids, I have every sympathy with the gnawing hunger, so I really hope she can reduce soon. Big hugs.

Cloud I'm so pleased it went well with the consultant. Being heard and feeling understood is such a breakthrough. I felt that way when I saw Prof B, and it stays with you. Really pleased you enjoyed BDing! Of course, it's a scientific fact that you're more likely to conceive when you've had fun (OK, maybe not scientific exactly, but always made me feel better to think I'd conceived when the earth moved!)

I hardly slept last night. Am so uncomfortable. Was secretly hoping to be snowed in today, but there's not even a light dusting. Bloody South West. Grumble grumble...

baking thinking of you today, hope it goes as well as it can.

tanny it's good to have you back, and glad to hear you've found a little serenity! I was also wishing for snow today, I second your grr!

bummie well done for your first day back, it''s such a big step even without the challenge of a pregnant colleague in the mix.

I am going to be testing tomorrow morning. Even typing that makes me feel a bit sick. Not doing massively well at managing my anxiety this week, swinging between extremes of "maybe, just maybe I am" to "there is no way on earth I possible can be." Lots of deep breaths...

Flen fingers and toes crossed for you for tomorrow. Tomorrow must seem so far away right now, hope you can keep busy until then.

Baking hope it goes well today

Tanny got excited with the flurry of snow yesterday. So disappointing. Checked the weather report and no sign of snow... Grrrr

Who was it recently who had tested positive for the TPO antibodies and been accepted on the TABLET trial? Going for my test this morning and just wondered how long it takes to get result.