Recurrent Miscarriage Support Thread 16 - tests, treatment and trying again

[Justonemoretime]

Information, support, hand holding, tea, sympathy and a hell of a lot of combined knowledge - all welcome as we try to make sense of the RMC roller coaster of tests, NHS admin, heart ache and (hopefully) happy endings!
Please start with a recap of your stats :)

I thought I was coping very well up until half an hour ago, my Dh had Skyped his sister and I practically ran into the kitchen to 'clear the dishes' just to avoid her. She is 12 wks and also announced her pregnancy after us on Xmas day at my MILs. I just can't bear to talk about it this time round (apart from certain friends who helped me last time) and almost feel embarrassed that I'm incapable of having another baby when she seems to be managing fine and she is older than me (I'm 29 and she is 38 and she seems quite laid back and blasé (think that's the right word) about age related risks etc). Also heard snippets of conversation like dh saying we're both 'fine' and her saying 'so you can just try again then when the hcg is back to normal'. No I'm not fine, just coz I'm trying to be braver this time and don't wear a tshirt saying I feel like shit, I actually do feel a minimum level of shitiness each day and like a bit of a failure too. And as for trying again, doesn't she realise it's not as simple as that emotionally, if we don't decide to wait for testing then I'll constantly be thinking if this happens again (which I'll probably think it will) it will be my fault as I could've done something to find out a cause and potentially prevent it.
Sorry for the epic post, I just needed to tell people who would understand. Just feel I have crumbled now.

flower so sad to read your post and know just how hard it is . My sister in law and brother had a baby last year a week ahead of my mc'd baby's due date and it crushed me. People will tell themselves that you're okay because it's what they want to believe, even when it's clear you're not. Do you have any counselling at all? I found sessions with my counsellor really helped me and took away the guilt for how I was feeling. Might be worth you trying. Also please don't be hard on yourself. The mcs are not your fault. Hugs xxxx

The anxiety is very natural tanny we'll all be here when you're ready to post again. Got everything crossed baby doesnt make you wait too long. Can't wait to hear all about your new arrival when he or she is ready xxx

flower let it all out my dear. It is every kind of rubbish. I know how you feel there's something uniquely awful about a pregnancy that would have kept pace with your own. Be kind to yourself. (I think any snippit in those circs would hurt like hell)

Very sensible to stick to your friends who helped you last time. (I have safe friends like that too). You are in some really raw pain right now Keep yourself safe for a bit.

As for the what to do wait or carry on. There's no right answer. And nothing is your fault.

Much loving kindness. X

Thanks, barking
tanny what girlie said. Time to enjoy some normality for a bit. Your time has come my dear. X
Welcome serena, sorry for your losses.

Huge hugs flower. Some wise ladies ahead of me. That is a tough situation. You're coping with it as well as anyone could. X

flower I totally get it, I still haven't actually talked to my sister who is exactly the same amount of pregnant as I would have been. I just can't cope with it, especially in the throws of testing, trying etc. It's too raw. I feel ever so guilty about it, but also think I just need to keep myself ok at the moment. Take care of yourself.

Completely understand too flower. Just do whatever you need to do for you to feel ok again. And if that means not seeing or speaking to them then that's fine. I'm sure they will one day understand and that at some point you will find it easier than it is just now. Hugs
I'm going to see my friend Tomorrow who is due mid Feb, the day after I would have been. Not sure I can say I'm looking forward to it, but it doesn't seem as impossible as it did a few weeks ago. Decided to go now rather than after the baby is born, as I'm not sure I can cope with that yet. We all just have to do what we can do and no more and hope it gets easier x

Hugs flower - as others have said, there is something uniquely difficult about the pregnancy that's timed with yours. Do whatever you need to do. I know what you mean about getting so angry about people thinking you're fine when you know you're anything but. catlover is very wise when she says people want to believe you're fine.

brummie don't be too hard on your friend. It's never a good idea to say 'I know how you feel' but it usually comes from the right place, i.e. people are just trying desperately to show empathy. And infertility is grief, of a different kind perhaps, but grief all the same.

Longest I completely agree - it's the fear that it may never happen for us that I find the hardest thing to bear. That makes me feel like a bitch, because I find that harder to deal with than the grief for my lost babies. But it's the truth.

Good luck tanny - I cannot wait to hear all about your little wriggler when he/she arrives!

Good luck tomorrow march, that's tough.

CD9 here, had first shag of the cycle. I can't believe we're still here!! It feels like we have been TTC for ever. Desperately trying not to kill our sex life completely but getting rather sick of pretending to be up for it all the time! Sigh.

Thanks so much for all your kind comments. It really does help to be able to tell you lot and know I'm not alone. It sounds like most of us are having to deal with people close to is that are pregnant. I think I just need to take things a bit slower as I'm obviously not doing as well as I thought and I've been trying to get back to normal this week by going to my usual toddle groups etc which was hard as there were lots of babies there.
I've been seeing a counsellor since my last mc but cancelled my last session as it was day after I found out about this one. Might be a good idea to rebook it now.
Just watching The Hotel and that is cheering me up!

Flower, I've found its just as you think you're doing fine that something comes along and trips you up to remind you what's happened. I had the exact same wobble back in December and couldn't face a close friend and their child. I'm surprised a month on how different I feel, so please be kind to yourself x

Ok found my ideal man to drooling after not being into Ewan. Watching Jeremy Piven in Mr Selfridge ??

Flower big hugs - I feel for you. I cried today as well, I feel like such a failure too. Even though I know we aren't.

I guess I shouldn't be hard on my friend, she's not a close friend, plus she has 2 children now - but at the moment I just feel like nobody really understands how raw I feel. I know I'm being unreasonable

Hi, yes I've heard some about prof Quenby. We're going to see what the consultant has to say a week tues and fingers crossed I'll have more answers.
It's good to know you're out there with support.
Thanks

baking bet you've been tempted to break dry January in the circumstances. Hand holding for MRI and EEG..next week I think? Sure Mr Baking would rather be at home with you guys at the moment. Hope Faith is continuing without further spasms x

Tanny, lovely Tanny, all heavily pregnant women go into a weird overdrive, if I remember rightly. All you can think about is the birth and the baby. Even without your history you would probably be anxious - with it, its entirely understandable that you have returned to the anxiety that accompanys pregnancy for us. You are doing so so well. We'll be waiting when you are ready to check in again xx

brummie don't berate yourself. I'm not sure you have to be reasonable all the time, and I definitely agree its never good to presume how someone else feels. You are allowed to feel raw and in pain over tbe loss of your baby. Infertility...RMC...both are shite positions to be in, with differences and similarities. For those who have had both, like barking and cat, I really can't imagine how hard that is.

flower sorry you are having a crumbling day. Its ok to have those. Repeat after me : 'Its not my fault. I am coping with a difficult situation. I will get there'. Hope tomorrow is a better day.

The conversation about loss of pregnancy/baby/fear of never having a baby...its such a personal thing and probably experienced differently by all of us, depending upon our situations and circumstances. For me, I think I have felt all of the above with different losses. No 3 was anembryonic (T22) so there was never a baby as such, but I'm not sure that made the loss any easier - the fear it will never happen, and the crushed hopes and dreams were devastating. No's 2 and 5, I felt the loss of those individuals more, having seen them moving with arms and legs and everything. No.2 in particular, which was a tfmr at 13 weeks, left me reeling. Yet through all my losses I have had my DS to keep me afloat, and if I never have another ,I will still have had him. Whilst the desire for a second is as strong as the desire I had to have him, I would have struggled an awful, awful lot more without him. Then all the months in between, all the negative tests (and I get pg fairly easily,) they are another kind of dreadful disappointment and hard-to-bear let down.

I may be rambling but I think what I am trying to say is that there are all different kinds of impossibly hard, on this quest we are all on. And thank goodness we are able to come here and support each other.

barking keep busy indeed, and we'll be here when you're ready to come back. Crossing everything.

Gosh I know I will have missed loads, but back from a weekend of long shifts and struggling to see straight. I need to go to bed earlier...

Also 'brummie', I'm not sure I was making much sense last night. I was trying to say too much, whilst too tired. I know what you mean about not being understood, and really, no-one can understand unless they have experienced a mc, let alone more than one. But we do understand how it feels. Hope today is a little better x

I cannot keep up with this thread!

tanny Do whatever you need to do. We are here if you need to unload or a virtual handhold. You are in the home run now and have lots of other things to focus on. I'm looking forward to hearing happy news from you about the arrival of baby tanny!

Hugs to everyone, sorry for not namechecking right now!
I have my consultant appointment on Wednesday, currently wondering if this is the right thing to do... But I think it'd be good to talk to someone about this all who -hopefully- has all the facts there in front of him... I am worried though that he is going to say something along the line why on earth are you still trying to have a baby at your age - had that he will have a point!

In spite of this, I am just coming out of SMEP - after getting an unexpected +ve OPK on Friday (CD11), we have now dtd every day since Thursday, and, to be honest, I am shattered!
However, on the positive side, in spite of being knackered, I have actually enjoyed it, for some reason, it felt less like a chore than it has been in the past! Which is a really good thing, whatever the outcome.

Well done cloud hope you see the fruit of your labours and that the appointment on Wednesday proves to be worth waiting for.

Thanks bootles we are back at hospital tomorrow just for checks, then EEG on Friday and MRI next Tuesday. Faith is doing ok at the moment, no seizures for the last few days, but she is HUNGRY, and tired, and irritable (and so are we) Really hoping her EEG is normalising on Friday and we can start weaning her off the steroids. She's on a 20x higher dose (for her bodyweight) than I was on for the NK cells and I felt pretty crappy on it, so I do feel for her.

Hugs for flower and brummie sorry you are having constant reminders.

Good luck to all those 2WWing!

Sasha I am sorry you feel crappy. 22 month olds are hard work. So are 41 month olds to be honest as we had a similar drama this morning. Tbh I admire you for not shouting more often!

Baking I am really pleased Faith has had no more seizures in the past few days, but can really sympathise with the fact you all feel crappy. I hope the EEG is positive and the MRI next week.

Bootles I think you're one of the wisest, most eloquent posters around. I am keeping everything crossed that you get some answers from your results.

Cloud good on you! Hope the appointment is informative and helpful.

Feeling better today after Wolf Hall and an early night. Dh is still not very well and the doctors are a bit like "well, it's not cancer, what are you complaining about?" which is a bit unhelpful. For our relationship if nothing else as he is a dreadful patient and he would say I am a dreadful nurse. Bit knackered. Am owed some time off in lieu and was going to use it for half term but might actually just take the odd day off when dd is at nursery and put my feet up, and send her to holiday club for half term instead. Is that bad? None of her friends' nurseries are closed so it would otherwise be quite a full-on week. x

Not bad at all!!! when I go on mat leave my DH will take one or two days off so we can spend the last time just the two of us before newbie arrives so DD will still go to nursery...

Lots of love to every one... I know, I've been there... some days I think there should be a badge to wear on or near the bump to say "i am pregnant now but I lost many, don't hate me"

flower i once heard my husband say to his mum that we were 'fine' and i wanted to scream the house down. We werent fine, neither of us and she took that fine to talk to me about my SIL trying for their first baby, in about 17 different conversations in one day and how excited she was. And his fine ended in his brother telling him on xmas day (exactly a year from our first MC) that his wife was 6 weeks pregnant. If he'd told them that we were both massively struggling (and if he'd been open and told them that he was dreading xmas) then i like to imagine that perhaps those conversations might have waitied a little longer until we were both stable enough to hear them. Men do seem to prefer to say theyre OK, though.
Shut off from whoever you need to at the moment, that was my default method and i stuck to the friends who i knew could help me, i will do that again should i need to.
Hi everyone else, apologies ive not read through the last page properly.

I have a question for any ladies re herparin/fragmin/clexane. I am not bruising, is this weird? I banged my shin yesterday and expected a big bruise but nothing, nothing round the injection sites either. I was told to expect it, maybe this means i need it after all?

ourday How long have you been doing the injections? It might not be immediately happening. Bruising is a side-effect, and with every side effect, not everyone necessarily gets them! You might be lucky...

I only occasionally bruise where I've injected it and so far no extra bruising when I bash myself (which is pretty frequently as I'm very clumsy!) when it does bruise it's pretty impressive though.