Why do my kids see my cheating estranged wife as amazing

[iamthemanny]

My wife left me for a work colleague due to an ongoing affair last July. Lives with the affair partner since last September.

Does anyone else see their kids obsessed with their mother and affair partner and the betrayed spouse losing out and blamed.

It is killing me. I was also the Stay At Home Dad.

Advice really appreciated.

Just a double income home (especially if theyre school/nursery aged) would free up money & also change their mother's mind set from "having to pay the bills" to at least having somebody to discuss budgeting with.

& its possible she's (the mother) is putting things in place to give them a better life - I know its unpopular to deviate from the 'kids don't care about money/stuff when they have parents who love them" but it's not realistic really.

So you do say Mon, tues, wed

And she does thurs, Fri, sat, sun

Except one week where you do all bar one day?

Or what?

Seriously, go back to work full time, get your self respect back and put them in wrap around or get a child minder to supervise, they are almost old enough to be in the house themselves anyway.

When you say no, I can’t do the previous set up because I have a full time job she might change her tune or mediator might rule she has to. Right now you are accommodating the set up.

Basically she’s the Disney dad and you’re the reliable mum in this scenario.

You see the same pattern with cheating husbands. The solid, reliable safe mother and the kids chasing after Disney dad’s affection. They don’t want to be dumped, so they to chase his approval, they can’t show him their pain, as it might put him off them, so you get it all.

Yes I can guarantee if it was a sahm the comments would be focused on - make sure you go through and screenshot all the bank accounts, how much is his pension, what does he pay for, has he been contributing to your pension…. And basically advising how can you bleed the no good bastard dry whilst keeping total or almost total custody and control of kids.

Fun.

Spot on.

💯 @Mirabai

^This @iamthemanny

I wouldn't say that is generally the case when the DC are 11 and 13 and the other parent has asked for 50/50. The advice is generally that they need to become financially independent and find a full time job. I didn't realise OP had a job as he said up thread that he was a SAHP. But I agree with your advice that OP should find a full time job and push for equal weekends. Although the DC are getting to an age where they will soon be old enough to come and go as they please without any agreement needed.

Overcompensation for the sense of abandonment they feel. Denial that their mum is anything but perfect. They'll see the reality as they get older

She cheated on them all. husband and children.
The children will be afraid that their mother will disappear out of their lives for good so do their best to keep her happy. But that will change as the children grow older and wiser and realise how selfish she really was and how Dad was the trustworthy reliable one. It WILL happen.

I'm very sorry for what you are going thru. I know put the kids first she cheated on you not the kids is true. But you are human of course you feel that way and you are entitled to those thoughts. Mine is similar but it wasn't cheating. But truth be told I would be so down that after being the rock after the dv done to my dc she still behaved a thousand times better for him then me. Was kinder was nicer all of it. Give yourself some grace you are navigating a lot.

Why do you only work part time though? The kids are basically teens, a huge number of parents work full time plus, from maternity leave onwards.
I would hate to be paid ‘maintenance’ by my DH to subsidise my earnings, the thought of it makes my skin crawl. I think this must be the source of a lot of your resentment. Is it achievable to increase your hours or look for a full time role? I think you’ll be a lot happier working full time.

I've so been there and still am. My kids are now adults who still worship their father, who is a convicted sex offender.

Best I can suggest is keeping your dignity by not saying a bad word about your ex and her partner.
That has worked for me as, I feel, I was able to force people to respect me no matter how grudgingly.

Gosh, OP. With each of your posts it is becoming harder and harder to decipher why on earth your ex wife would have cheated on you, and why your children might be failing to express the requisite gratitude at your being "their rock". Your comparing yourself to a poor woman driven to suicide by online unkindness on an epic scale is particularly endearing. All the best to you.

I think it’s fine and fair for OP to seek every other weekend rather than one in four. But given his XW is working full time, I would imagine that chores and homework supervision are also happening at the weekend. There may be weekend football/ballet/friend meet ups to cover too.

As for kids being delivered bathed… they are 11 and 13, hopefully they are washing themselves!

• “leave child off to a birthday party and go to get nails done“

what the eff???

This. OP, go full time, do week on/week off for the kids; you'd have your own money and time with them. Build your relationship with them rather than worrying about their relationship with her.

It's natural for them to defend her if they feel you are angry or upset with her. She's their mother, half of who they are. At this age criticism of her is criticism of them.

It's good that everyone is getting counselling. Everyone sounds like they need it. And my advice, your tone is worrying. Contempt and anger drips out of it. That's a lot of wasted energy and if you want to move on, any sensible woman will avoid that energy like the plague. Angry men, especially men who are angry at women, are to be avoided.

@TheSilenceofTheMajority

I would wager that it is a combination of mental health, access to benefits/maintenance - it may not actually be worth it for him to work full time if a low earner or he may not be capable of it at present.

He brought up Caroline flack. And I also haven't accused him of being to blame. I have only commented on the effect his bitterness will have on his children.

Perhaps calm down so you can read properly.

I have not said anything that I wouldn't say to a woman.

I disagree that the OP is getting a rougher ride than if he were a woman. There are many people responding that they understand and empathise but he doesn’t like it when is he called up on his misogyny and when someone treats him with other than kid gloves (welcome to Mumsnet, people often tell you what you don’t want to hear.)

There are practical things he can do (e.g. retraining/upskilling through into work program with local council, increase hours at current position) to improve his present situation.

A previous post referred to the fact that his stbxw has set herself up to be the Disney parent, taking mostly weekends. That is absolutely unfair and needs to be redressed.

A lot of people have been in his situation and can offer practical, sometimes hard, advice on how to improve things but his constantly referring to suicide really comes across as manipulative and a massive red flag.

Op

it seems like you cut contact with a cheating parent when you were a child. How old were you and was that an entirely free choice?

Your children are not you, they may not be reacting like you did with your cheating parent, but that doesn't mean they love you less.

There is a sense that OP feels doubly betrayed, firstly his kids are not standing by him, and secondly in not doing the same as he did as a child they are not standing by his decision to cut contact with cheating parent.

So he is kind of doubly isolated, with the earlier trauma much more of an issue in his present mental health than he thinks.

The bitterness is not all to do with ex.

OP I would advise you strongly to seek trauma counselling because if you don’t you may damage relations with your children much as your family dynamic was destroyed as a child… nobody wants that.

I disagree that the OP is getting a rougher ride than if he were a woman.

Oh come on.