Why do my kids see my cheating estranged wife as amazing

iamthemanny · 2024-04-04T13:53:21+00:00

My wife left me for a work colleague due to an ongoing affair last July. Lives with the affair partner since last September. Does anyone else see their kids obsessed with their mother and affair partner and the betrayed spouse losing out and blamed. It is killing me. I was also the Stay At Home Dad. Advice really appreciated.

Eloraa · 04/04/2024 15:06

She’s their mother. She will always be centrally important to them.

And she cheated on you, not on them.

ClawedButler · 04/04/2024 15:06

I wonder if there's an element of them feeling more secure in their relationship with you, so they don't feel the need to 'big it up' IYSWIM. On the down side it means you get all the tired strops and moans and rants and "Mum lets us do XYZ" complaints, but it also means that they don't feel the need to put their best face on for you. You're the one they (perhaps unconsciously) depend on. You're the one they and their emotions are safe with.

As their mother has left them, they might feel that they need to be on their best behaviour so as not to push her even further away. They may feel, in the moment, that as Mum and her new partner do more of the fun stuff and you do more of the boring day-to-day stuff that they like being around the new couple more. But that's a child's perspective. It's about immediate wants, not needs. Mum's more fun, let's go there, Dad's boring and makes us brush our teeth.

It's really tough to be made out to be the bad guy somehow. But you know your truth. And in time, so will others. Meanwhile, your kids have a fun parent and a safe parent - but I wonder if Mum will always be so fun? What if, one day, the kids aren't allowed to do something? Dare they even speak up about it? What if they complain and push Mum away?

I'm only guessing, of course, but there is definitely something to be said for being the parent that kids can trust, can fall back on.

FrenchandSaunders · 04/04/2024 15:10

How old are they and do they live you with your mainly or her?

Jokl · 04/04/2024 15:17

Because they are children and she is their mother. What happened between the two of you shouldn’t have any sway on their relationship with their other parent. It sounds very painful indeed for you, particularly as they seem so keen on the AP, like adding salt to a wound, but sometimes that’s just how life goes.
what do you mean when you say you’re blamed?

Medschoolmum · 04/04/2024 15:32

She's their mum. Most young children probably think their mums are amazing, whether they are or not.

She was clearly a shit wife, and I'm sorry about that. But perhaps she is an amazing mum to them?

I'm sure that the kids love you to bits too, even if they don't always show it!

Whatismypasswordthen · 04/04/2024 15:33

Are you criticising the mum in front of them? Even if you're not, perceptive children may well pick up on your resentment and yes, that could make you the bad guy. The only solution is move past recriminations; affair or not, the marriage wasn't working. You may not have chosen it to end, and not this way but you do need to find a way to make this new situation work for everyone, including yourself. Maybe you're not easy to be around at the moment - understandable, maybe some support would help you see a different version of the future.

Ilovelurchers · 04/04/2024 15:47

Firstly, I am sorry your wife cheated and sorry she left you. It must be hard to come to terms with. I hope you have support and, in time, can see the positives in the situation, and that you are now free to meet somebody who truly appreciates your worth.

Regarding your kids, they love her because she is their mom, and really would you want that to change? If they seem to "prefer" her to you then just be aware that can change over time anyway - my own daughter used to be obsessed with her dad when she was little, regularly tell me how much more she loved him than me, etc. But she is much closer to me now. It's natural for this to change as kids grow.

I get that it hurts if they have a positive relationship with the AP. Every time my daughter criticises her dad's girlfriend (who he left me for) a tiny part of me exults in it because that's human nature. But overall, what's most important is the kids' happiness, so if they have a good relationship with the AP actually it is for the best.

Is this all very raw and recent?

Original poster

iamthemanny · 04/04/2024 18:11

Eloraa · 04/04/2024 15:06

She’s their mother. She will always be centrally important to them.

And she cheated on you, not on them.

I am aware of all those points. I was looking for advice not facts.

OP posts:

Original poster

iamthemanny · 04/04/2024 18:13

Whatismypasswordthen · 04/04/2024 15:33

Are you criticising the mum in front of them? Even if you're not, perceptive children may well pick up on your resentment and yes, that could make you the bad guy. The only solution is move past recriminations; affair or not, the marriage wasn't working. You may not have chosen it to end, and not this way but you do need to find a way to make this new situation work for everyone, including yourself. Maybe you're not easy to be around at the moment - understandable, maybe some support would help you see a different version of the future.

I have a counsellor and vast support. As someone once said. A bad marriage does not start an affair. Bad decisions do.

I am trying to move forward.

OP posts:

Original poster

iamthemanny · 04/04/2024 18:15

Ilovelurchers · 04/04/2024 15:47

Firstly, I am sorry your wife cheated and sorry she left you. It must be hard to come to terms with. I hope you have support and, in time, can see the positives in the situation, and that you are now free to meet somebody who truly appreciates your worth.

Regarding your kids, they love her because she is their mom, and really would you want that to change? If they seem to "prefer" her to you then just be aware that can change over time anyway - my own daughter used to be obsessed with her dad when she was little, regularly tell me how much more she loved him than me, etc. But she is much closer to me now. It's natural for this to change as kids grow.

I get that it hurts if they have a positive relationship with the AP. Every time my daughter criticises her dad's girlfriend (who he left me for) a tiny part of me exults in it because that's human nature. But overall, what's most important is the kids' happiness, so if they have a good relationship with the AP actually it is for the best.

Is this all very raw and recent?

Thank you so much, a voice of empathy and experiencing the same is much appreciated.

OP posts:

LeoTheLeopard · 04/04/2024 18:22

I’m also sorry that this has happened, and have been the cheated on one., so am on your side.

A bad marriage does not start an affair. Bad decisions do.
This is way too glib for me. Was it a bad marriage? For her? Would it be any less painful if she had ended the marriage to be alone and not with him? Possibly more, because then you don’t have the salve of it being a character failing in her.

In our case I tell the kids I want them to have a good relationship with their Dad, and his new gf (not aware that he ever cheated with her!). Whatever I think of him, I won’t cause them more stress. He denigrates me to them, but now they just get up and leave.

was she a good mum before the split?

TheShellBeach · 04/04/2024 18:28

Your children will sense your feelings about the AP, so do try not to be negative about him.

Children always love their mums, so that's just how it is.

Original poster

iamthemanny · 04/04/2024 18:32

ClawedButler · 04/04/2024 15:06

I wonder if there's an element of them feeling more secure in their relationship with you, so they don't feel the need to 'big it up' IYSWIM. On the down side it means you get all the tired strops and moans and rants and "Mum lets us do XYZ" complaints, but it also means that they don't feel the need to put their best face on for you. You're the one they (perhaps unconsciously) depend on. You're the one they and their emotions are safe with.

As their mother has left them, they might feel that they need to be on their best behaviour so as not to push her even further away. They may feel, in the moment, that as Mum and her new partner do more of the fun stuff and you do more of the boring day-to-day stuff that they like being around the new couple more. But that's a child's perspective. It's about immediate wants, not needs. Mum's more fun, let's go there, Dad's boring and makes us brush our teeth.

It's really tough to be made out to be the bad guy somehow. But you know your truth. And in time, so will others. Meanwhile, your kids have a fun parent and a safe parent - but I wonder if Mum will always be so fun? What if, one day, the kids aren't allowed to do something? Dare they even speak up about it? What if they complain and push Mum away?

I'm only guessing, of course, but there is definitely something to be said for being the parent that kids can trust, can fall back on.

Thank you, some very interesting points to think through.

OP posts:

Original poster

iamthemanny · 04/04/2024 18:33

FrenchandSaunders · 04/04/2024 15:10

How old are they and do they live you with your mainly or her?

I agreed to 50:50 split, 11 and 13

OP posts:

Beamur · 04/04/2024 18:33

Advice?
Keep working on getting over what happened, try not to be bitter. Don't compare yourself.
You're their Dad and your time with your children is the important thing to think about now - not your ex and certainly not their relationship with her.
Things will get better. Try to be content with your children having good relationships with both of their parents.

IncompleteSenten · 04/04/2024 18:35

What is it that you are looking for from your children? What do you feel you need from them?

Arthurnewyorkcity · 04/04/2024 18:39

This was me as a child from age 9. In my case, I hated the break up of my family but my mum was positive. My dad used to slag off my mum constantly and her affair partner. I was just a kid. I didn't care who did what, I just wanted to be in a happy home. My dad's was sad and negative (as an adult I get why) but he should have fronted it and definitely not slagged my mum off. I am half my mother, it felt like a rejection of me

CeeceeBloomingdale · 04/04/2024 18:41

Because they aren't party to all the information you have, she's their mum and they love her unconditionally. They no doubt also love you, it's not a competition and don't make them choose. Also I know you've been through it but try not to bad mouth her to the kids or be bitter.

cerisepanther73 · 04/04/2024 18:48

#@iamthemanny

They feel more comfortable secure with regards of yourself,
as you haven't run off with someone else and created waves leaving a emotional bombshell in wake,
like your wife obviously has,

In regards of your wife your children feel proberly on emotional eggs shells not to say or do anything that could upset her a bit,
as they don't want to push her away any further,

They are like this with you as they are projecting and deflecting the quite deep emotional turmoil and uncertainty right now happening in their lives..

Meadowfinch · 04/04/2024 18:48

What advice are you looking for? If you are the SAHD, presumably you spend plenty of time with your dcs, and they love you and are comfortable and relaxed with you.

It also sounds like they like going to their mum's which is how it should be. Maybe a bit more exciting because it doesn't happen every day.

This is the Disney-Dad syndrome that millions of single mums face. I look after my ds 345 days & nights a year. I changed all but three nappies, got up every night. I sorted all his clothes, helped with homework, taught him to swim, to ride a bike. Sat with him all night in paed ICU when he caught swine flu and his dad had had a skinful and was too mean to call a cab. Organised schools, sorted bullies, welcomed school exchange partners. Ensured he has access to his karate class. I home schooled during covid, coped with every illness, sorted every cut knee because his dad just couldn't be arsed. DS thought his df was marvelous.

You just have to grin & bear it. Be glad they have a good relationship. Be glad your child is happy.

Your child will work it out eventually. Mine was 14 when he said 'daddy is a bit selfish isn't he'.

NarwhalsJustDontLetEmTouchYourBalls · 04/04/2024 18:48

And she cheated on you, not on them

Yep, she cheated on you, not them. However whilst doing so, she devastated their father, upset them and probably caused them anxiety and stress, now drags them between 2 homes, and had brought massive amounts of drama into their lives. They now have to spend 50% of their time with a man who stole their mum and sent a wrecking ball into their dad’s life. A man they can’t trust and won’t feel comfortable being around.

I’ll tell you exactly what your DC are doing. They are surviving. They’ve seen their mum dump them, and you, and they’re scared. They don’t want to put a foot wrong and upset her.

when they are older they’ll love her, but dislike her and her sleeze ball

Original poster

iamthemanny · 04/04/2024 19:12

IncompleteSenten · 04/04/2024 18:35

What is it that you are looking for from your children? What do you feel you need from them?

Some realisation that I have been their rock through this 💩 show

OP posts:

TheShellBeach · 04/04/2024 19:19

iamthemanny · 04/04/2024 19:12

Some realisation that I have been their rock through this 💩 show

Show quote history

Honestly, they're too young to have that realisation.

In about 8 - 10 years, they'll know, and they'll tell you.

Until then, they're still children really.

Meadowfinch · 04/04/2024 19:20

I know it's hard OP. I've ground my teeth flat at the various things I've put up with over the years, but please don't ask your dcs to take sides. It's just not fair on them.

Your time will come.

CalisthenicsOnDemand · 04/04/2024 19:21

OP you'll get better advice on Reddit parenting threads.
There are so many variations of your post from women, and commiserations/frustration at the Disney Dad. But because you're a man, people are being all calm and rational.
You don't get the sympathy you're looking for here.