Why do my kids see my cheating estranged wife as amazing

[iamthemanny]

My wife left me for a work colleague due to an ongoing affair last July. Lives with the affair partner since last September.

Does anyone else see their kids obsessed with their mother and affair partner and the betrayed spouse losing out and blamed.

It is killing me. I was also the Stay At Home Dad.

Advice really appreciated.

I don't condone cheating.

But I think that the OP wishes his DC would behave as he did when he was a child, and he blocked all contact with whichever of his parents left their marriage.

That's unrealistic. And he sounds terribly bitter.

I’m going to try again here.
I’m in your position and I understand (ex husband sees kids less frequently though and never overnight). Broad brushstrokes on the divorce but I got fucked over, and our beautiful house had to be sold, we’re now in a rented flat.

Would it help you to actively decide not to be bitter. The reality is this has already happened and given that time moves in only direction, it is possible to make the decision to move on. She is unaware of any comment that you make, and she has no more interest in your opinion on any topic than she that of any other randomer in the street.
You only have one life, and souring it would be such a shame because it is unnecessary.

The next paragraph is said completely with compassion for your situation-
So she fucked you over in your opinion. So what? You are never ever going to get restitution, and looking for it just lowers yourself in her estimation, and in ever wider circles from there.

It is perfectly possible to choose to be happy (it’s just a habit). It’s perfectly possible to not give headspace (also just a habit)

That’s my honest advice

1. choose to be happy and not bitter
2. choose making the very best of this new life and new opportunity that you have.
3. practice choosing happiness, and rejecting bitterness
4. practice not giving her headspace.

Thank you. All you say is what I am trying to do. In school holidays, when I always looked after them is now very hard as I have 50% but this is first time away with AP. I have no interest in ex. It is what morals are now being shown to my kids, and the impact on them. But saying that, I am now struggling to be the father my kids need.

thanks 👍

you are quite right. Thank you. The grenade will be launched shortly.

Good grief, why does everything have to be a fight with you?

Yes, no-one knows what happens behind closed doors. Perhaps I have been on the receiving end of an abusive wife. But having tried to sort problems out and be stonewalled, it makes me wonder how long the affair went on.

if she wanted to end it then this is not the way. The lives destroyed, the effects go far further than me. 100k wasted on legal fees, just one example. What my children will go through as adults when they fully get it no one knows.

Thank you, my mental health deteriorated as the marriage got worse. I went to see a counsellor in 2019 as it was considered all my fault. Which it was not. Like many men, and women. The lure of the dollar and status in a multi-national becomes like a drug and one’s identity.

I do think that everyone should get that's fair in a divorce. One party shouldn't be able to walk away with everything they want, at the expense of fairness to the other party.

If OP has been primary carer to the dc, then that has come at a career cost,and obviously earnings loss. So maybe he should get to remain in the family home until the dc are adult or be awarded a greater share. That's something to discuss with the solicitor.
Ultimately the aim is to live well and without bitterness, but I think that's easier to achieve if there's been fair financial and child residency settlements. Both parents need to be able to house the children adequately and it's not fair on them if they lose their home and stable environment. Especially if the OP is financially disadvantaged and can't match what they've lost.

Thank you so much for that. When term starts and my kids are back tomorrow it will be easier. I appreciate your support. 😎👍👌

Why would you do that? Grief occurs in these situations. One of the strongest emotions grief brings is anger. After hours of being educated on this by professionals it does not become easier. It is also not linear.

Well done, that is so hard to do. I am able to do that 95% of the time.

Again, if you saw what I was being thrown, you would fight to get your children back, and a home that is not an insult to your children just so your ex and AP can laugh at you.

Have you ever thought about offering advice professionally?

She simultaneously seems to be doing 50/50 and weekends only.

Ooh, very PA.

None of us are perfect and we're all human. Give yourself a break. You've been through some horrible shit yet continue to be a stable and supportive person for your kids.

I too worry that the ex's narcissistic traits will rub off on the kids but so far that hasn't happened. What I will say is that constantly worrying and scrutinising everything she does will get you no where. It won't stop the kids loving her, it won't change her behaviour, it will only drive you mental.

The ex has made "anonymous" calls to our work places that could have gotten us sacked, made false reports to the council resulting in visits from environmental health, multiple letters. She's threatened me at the kids school, cost us thousands in lawyers fees due to lies, withdrawn permission for a holiday the week we were going then threatened to report us for kidnapping. It's been constant for the last 3 years I've been with DH. Yet I have to put on a smile in front of DSD at transitions and not react when the ex makes passive agreements comments. It's hard. It's beyond hard sometimes and sometimes I just want to say "ya know what, your mum is actually a fucking arsehole and here's why". Sometimes it's hard not to snap back. Sometimes it's hard not to punch her lights out. Get your anger and annoyance out to your therapist. Keep your head high and trust that you're doing your best for those kids.

Circumstances and motivation to cheat are often very different between men and women though.

Oh look, people defending cheating. And apparently men and women are treated the same better, someone said?

People cheat because: they're entitled, don't care the other person feels, can't be bothered to let any issues, enjoy having options sexually and thinking they're desirable, don't want to leave their cushy lifestyle etc etc etc

Women are always angels and if they cheat, you're probably an abusive deadbeat and had it coming.

OP cannot “put a stop” to the family home being sold. He can try and get to a final financial settlement which may well give him a greater share of joint assets, but that doesn’t mean the house won’t be sold.

He is doing 3-4 weekdays and 1 out of 4 weekends. Yes, fairer would be EOW and half the weekdays each, and that should happen, but it’s not quite the stark split you have here. (I also question whether weekends are necessarily “nice and easy” with secondary school kids, but there we go)

And she has moved in with the AP, so quite hard for him not to meet the kids!

I don’t condone her cheating. But that has no impact on the settlement and residency going forwards.

Exactly- a cheat is a cheat is a cheat.

Or maybe because they feel trapped, are trapped, are abused, scared to leave for their safety ect ect ect.

Just because you think life is black and white and fits into a neat box, doesn't mean it does.

Not really, there's no excuse for shitty cheater behaviour. Doesn't matter if you're a man or woman it's not excuseable

I didn't say it was excusable but motivations are often different.

Or maybe because they feel trapped, are trapped, are abused, scared to leave for their safety ect ect ect.

So trapped. Yet you had time to go out and shag another man.

So abused that you have time to do this, and instead of fleeing, go and shag around and put your safety at risk further.

Even if this is applicable to a minute number of women it's not e case here. So take your 'thinking outside the box' (victims blaming) elsewhere. Op came for support not made up conspiracy theories about his relationship.

You listed all the reasons you believe people cheat. I was pointing out the other possibilities. You don't believe that's possible and that's your issue.

Whilst I agree that cheating is not good, I believe that there are far worse things that you can do to a spouse or child than cheat.

I truly find it baffling that some people will defend cheating to such an extent. Even if you've cheated before, it makes no sense to defend it.

Unless you're never planning on having another relationship yourself (so dgaf), and are generally an unlikeable person who doesn't care what anyone else thinks of you.

Feel bad for you op, randoms insinuating you're a bad person when you were the one who was betrayed and left heartbroken.

@SheilaFentiman I know of people who got a court order to remain in the family house until youngest child turned 18. I don't know how common that is or whether it would be in the OP's best interests to do it but not totally impossible if the circumstances are right.

If I'd had an affair and left my dh, I wouldn't be pushing to sell their home from under the kids - I'd consider that they need the security of 'home'.
And I'd not be moving in with my affair partner straight away either. Kids deserve time to become accustomed to the new reality before having to accept spending 50% of their time living with a total stranger. One who's colluded in the breakdown of the family unit no less.
Even if OP was the shittest husband , I still think her behaviour is selfish AF!