Why do my kids see my cheating estranged wife as amazing

[iamthemanny]

My wife left me for a work colleague due to an ongoing affair last July. Lives with the affair partner since last September.

Does anyone else see their kids obsessed with their mother and affair partner and the betrayed spouse losing out and blamed.

It is killing me. I was also the Stay At Home Dad.

Advice really appreciated.

I agree. This thread has been a real eye opener for me!

The Op is getting a lot of sympathy and good advice.

He is reacting aggressively and making misogynistic comments to posters who are telling him something he doesn’t want to hear ie try not to be bitter and angry in front of your dcs, don’t expect your dcs to never speak to their mum again, don’t put YOUR feelings into them.
Posters are rightly pointing out that his attitude sucks and insults shouldn’t be tolerated.

he’s allowed to be bitter, he’s allowed to be fucking angry, he’s allowed to be hurt that the kids don’t hold her to account for ruining his life. Hes allowed to think that all women are awful and he’s done with them.

He is. But he isn’t allowed to project those feelings onto his children. Or he shouldn’t anyway.

And yes, people would and do say the same to women on here. The narrative is always “don’t slag your ex off to the dcs/don’t project your negative feelings about your ex onto your dc”.

You doing the whole week and her flouncing about at the weekend is not comparable

"Flouncing about"?

"Ladies" isn't banned, but it's a sexist put-down.

We are women.

Flouncing about"?

I was going to say the same!

Op said he’s a sahd and his ex has a high powered job. I’m guessing that’s why she has them at the weekends? If she is the one financially supporting everyone she needs to be able to work, no?

I agree he should try to get some weekends too if that’s what he and the dcs want.

You know what your opinion of misogyny looks like

In your opinion

@TheShellBeach

Week parenting

• prepare school lunches and home cook everything
• organise uniforms and clothes
• multiple baths for bedraggled children post school or nursery
• do all homeworks/teaching
• doctor’s appointments
• dental appointments
• school appointments
• haircuts
• extracurricular activities
• and so on…

Weekend parenting

• receive child likely already bathed with a bag of clothes
• take child to an activity Saturday morning or leave them to watch tv
• leave child off to a birthday party and go to get nails done
• or have a nice afternoon out followed by family meal out
• see family or muck about in the park on Sunday
• hand child back and pour wine

Week parenting is the drudgery and much harder work, all the admin, teaching and responsibility. Weekend parenting like a kindly aunt or uncle stepping in to take kids for a sleepover for the fun stuff. Sorry if that opinion is controversial but it’s what I think.

If childcare is 50/50 she is not only a weekend parent.

Although I deprecate some of the language you've used on this thread, @iamthemanny I do think that you and your ex need to revisit the custody arrangements for your children.

She needs to let you have some weekends, and she needs to do some weekdays.

As you say, it may be another court battle, but it would be fairer IMO.

@Robinni I am aware of the different roles that prevail when there is weekend contact versus weekday contact. There was no need for the lists.

I was objecting to the term "flouncing about" which you used in a previous post.

@Constantdistractions

Then she must do more holiday time then?

In which case - pay £300 a week for children to be looked after between 9 - 6, collect, feed, bed… then revert to weekend parenting style.

I grant you if this is what she is doing it is giving OP 50% of his time to rebuild life.

Really, if he feels he is missing out on all the fun and is worn down by the drudgery, then he needs to renegotiate the custody agreement, implement a shared calendar and get her to take responsibility for some of the admin.

Is it a financial thing - they're lives with her must have changed dramatically if she was the full time earner & having am affair with a colleague

Firstly please don’t think that the fact your ex can spoil the children is everything . Time ,care and support don’t cost money . And that’s what they need atm .

Also you might find they are putting on a brave face and are harbouring resentment about their mother , but there is no way they will show that and deep down they will be scared of anymore eruptions or change or pain. A relative of mine went through the same situation and I always wondered how she had coped , but it was not until years later that she said she had never fully forgiven her mother .

i hope you can get the times of access sorted so you do get some weekends but you helping them through school and homework now is invaluable and of course they won’t appreciate that now but hopefully they will later .

However hard it is a new house will be an adventure , put on a brave face , get them involved in all the decorating and making it homely

This wont be easy at all but resentment and anger will eat you up if you are not careful . Your life will be different now , but no teenager really appreciates any parent until they are older unfortunately .Don’t expect too much of them .

Might be a bit of colloquialism going on.

But what I mean is the ex appears to be haughty, going about her life as she wishes in a bouncy and exaggerated manner with absolutely no regard for OP and his rights in life - perhaps as she was in the marriage, taking it for granted that he will deal with all the ‘hard’ parenting stuff while she appears for the fun and adoration.

So yes I do think that is flouncing about.

https://en.m.wiktionary.org/wiki/flounce

@Jk8

Perhaps if the new partner is a high earner and able to contribute, the mother doesn’t have to work so hard and is less stressed out…. Which kids would see as new guy good, Dad bad.

Maybe she has them weekends and holidays . There are many ways to arrange 50 50

The guy is a stay at home parent to an 11 and 13 year old. Most parents manage that working full time. He's hardly had the raw end of the deal.

I actually think you're projecting here.

I agreed with the OP that the custody arrangements were unfair.

I didn't suggest that his ex was "flouncing about" though. That term also sounds sexist to me. I can't imagine it being used to refer to a man, somehow.

That is how I feel completely. Thank you.

I have 1 weekend out of 4
3/4 week days

have asked for a fair
2 days each in week every other weekend. Ignores mediator. So very few options left.

or I keep as is and keep my part time job and she pays me maintenance longer.

kind of what many ladies have. Or the ones I know

No. I work Mon Weds Friday. In a profession, but part-time. But have let her career take off by stopping mine 11 years ago.

Very wise words, thank you very much.

He did say he is working, not sure if that is full or part time.

Also says the kids are in therapy, which doesn’t bode well, there may be other things going on?

@TheShellBeach

It absolutely can.

My DH is a KING of flouncing.

I think purposefully does extra hours to avoid anything remotely responsible.

I am probably projecting, but I can empathise when workload relative to children is unbalanced.

.........kind of what many ladies have. Or the ones I know

Don't you know any women? Because "ladies" is such a sexist, divisive term.