Why do my kids see my cheating estranged wife as amazing

[iamthemanny]

My wife left me for a work colleague due to an ongoing affair last July. Lives with the affair partner since last September.

Does anyone else see their kids obsessed with their mother and affair partner and the betrayed spouse losing out and blamed.

It is killing me. I was also the Stay At Home Dad.

Advice really appreciated.

No. I work Mon Weds Friday. In a profession, but part-time. But have let her career take off by stopping mine 11 years ago.

You are no longer married. She’s now living with another man. You don’t owe her didly squat. You’ve enabled her career to date, and now, you no longer have to do it, because she’s gone. You aren’t her support network, her partner.

Do nothing to enable her to face an easy life.

If she wants 50/50 and she’s not paying you anything, then make sure she doesn’t get to be Disney Weekend Mommy, and she gets to do her fair share of parenting drudgery that goes on in the week. She’ll have to start doing pick ups and drop offs, sick days and dental appointments. Let her and her affair partner suck up real parenting and not just the fun bits.

You really, really need to push back on this.

@NarwhalsJustDontLetEmTouchYourBalls the kids are 11 and 13; they may well not need pick ups and drop offs.

My DC are teens and I’m busier now than I’ve ever been with them. They’ll still do extra curricular activities, meet up with friends, parents evening, exams, orthodontists etc.

Make exW do 50% of all this. Don’t let her cherry pick the best bits. Get your solicitor to sort this out.

Loads of people think that teenagers practically look after themselves but it's not true. And OP's kids are going through a lot of life changes right now - maybe it's not the right time for OP to be fully focussed on his career. They already have one selfish parent, the OP is their stability.
His kids might still need a lot of support.
My dd is about to start a course in a college that she can't get to on time unless I drive her to a bus stop that's halfway there. Teenagers often need a lot of time and running around after!

Why is the mother constantly labelled selfish?

She left a husband she was not happy with. No one posting on this thread really knows why.

She continues to support her children, both in terms of the time she gives and financially.

Am I missing something?

The kids shouldn't even know why the marriage ended. Mine didn't find out until they were adults that their stepmother was the ow

They found out as she told them, after announcing it to be at 6am one morning, took them away in the car, told them to turn all phone trackers off and I had to call the police, as I had no idea where she was going with them.

That must have been hard to learn, even as adults. Sorry.

"She left a husband she was not happy with. No one posting on this thread really knows why".

Exactly. For all we know she was trapped in a miserable, possibly even abusive, marriage and it was only meeting the other man that gave her the motivation and practical support to break free. We just don't know, though given the glimpses into the OP's personality that some of his posts offer, I wouldn't rule anything out.

Oh do give over.

what rot.

Said no mumsnetter to a cheated on woman. Ever.

she cheated on him then took the kids away without any discussion or agreement

Why is it so hard to believe a woman could be in the wrong for having an affair?

And why are we so predisposed to immediately think the worst of men?

She was in the wrong - it is adultery.

If she was unhappy in the marriage she could have ended it and then sought a new relationship. Because that is what decent people do.

As it comes across to me, her DH has mental health problems and is a SAHD with part time income. He isn’t contributing much financially and was probably very draining for her mentally. Not to mention the stress of being the main breadwinner and having to work so hard with two kids.

So along comes mr high earner with good health. Solving all issues and it’s new and exciting to boot. Only at one point things will normalise and his faults - because he will have some - will appear. No one is perfect.

She is entirely self interested and left because she couldn’t cope and wanted an easier life.

OP sorry both if that is on the money or falling short of the mark… I don’t know, only you can explain what happened… and it’s really none of our business.

I do think it is terrible that she cheated and broke up your family the way she did, for whatever reasons. I hope you can make peace with that and find happiness again.

And why are we so predisposed to immediately think the worst of men?

Well I think that's obvious.

@TheShellBeach

Well a lot of them are dicks.

But, the OP has come here for help, just like any other person.

I don’t think we’d be immediately standing up for a male adulterer, condoning his behaviour and trying to validate his reasoning….

I just think we should treat OP like everyone else.

Why are so many defending the cheater? Just because she's a woman doesn't mean it wasn't a dick move and she's an asshole for what she did, how she did it and a bigger asshole for introducing her cheating buddy to the kids straight away, again asshole for giving no leeway on the 50/50 visitation. This is all stuff we would vilify a man for doing so why does she get a pass? Why are people saying she was probably miserable etc when the usual answer would be to deal with it like an adult and tell your partner it's over before you cheat. The guy sounds depressed and emotionally struggling, if he was a woman we would be supportive (even if they gave attitude and not the greatest responses)

Yes, you’re missing the part where she cheated.

If she’d simply left her husband. it would be very different.

Circumstances and motivation to cheat are often very different between men and women though.

No. They’re very different between individuals. But all of them are cheats.

No, she is trying to stop the financial support and kick us out of the marital home into sub standard housing. When you know the entire picture you may not be writing what you did.

Some of the things she has done using the kids would make your blood boil.

Why?

The only difference is that her husband would be (maybe) be slightly less hurt

According to this guy he is a stay at home Dad that works part time. He's pissed off with his kids for not cutting their Mum out of their lives, pissed off his ex took over childcare 50/50 and pissed off she is a weekend Mum. I agree that women cheat for different reasons and would take everything he says with a pinch of salt.

She's not actually doing 50/50 though is she? So far she's doing the nice easy weekends. And selling the family house (I'd put a stop to that OP), which is her children's home, at a time when their lives have already been upended. And introducing the children to her affair partner (grim imo).

My DH's ex cheated on him multiple times and he eventually left after she assaulted him infront of their DD who was 2 at the time. She is by far one of the most vile people I've ever met.

When DH and her first split the 2 older kids (13 &14 at the time) seemed to be taking the ex's side. They didn't know the reason from them splitting but it transpired that she had been badmouthing my DH and had fed the kids a pack of lies about which influenced their attitude towards my DH. She also acts more like a friend than a parent to them to win favour, ie lots of fast food, no bedtimes, getting to skip school, allowed to smoke and drink underage.

We're now 4 years down the line. My 17yo stepson now lives with us full time and barely sees his mum. When he turned 16 he began to see her for who she was and it all came out about the lies he'd been told. My 6yo DSD is already beginning to see through her mum's bullshit.

DH and I continue to not badmouth her infront of the kids despite some of the despicable things she has done. We continue to provide a stable environment for them and to support them as best we can. That's all you can do really. Keep being their rock. Parenting can be a thankless job sometimes and just because they don't seem to show appreciation for what you do doesn't mean they don't appreciate you.

'How old are they and do they live you with your mainly or her?

I agreed to 50:50 split, 11 and 13'

Yesterday they were. That seemed to change at some point yesterday afternoon, coinciding with posters describing her as a Disney Mum.