Why do my kids see my cheating estranged wife as amazing

[iamthemanny]

My wife left me for a work colleague due to an ongoing affair last July. Lives with the affair partner since last September.

Does anyone else see their kids obsessed with their mother and affair partner and the betrayed spouse losing out and blamed.

It is killing me. I was also the Stay At Home Dad.

Advice really appreciated.

Where has all this money come from for court fees when you have not worked?
Stop basing your life’s work on hating your ex and make the best of your own life now. Move on.

That's so awful. The poor kids. My DSS17 now lives with us full time after living 50% at his mum's became unbearable for him. He's spoken quite ill of her, says she's an embarrassment and not what a mum should be. She's let him down numerous times but on the odd occasion she calls and asks to see him he goes running. It's like he's scared to say no to her. Such a shame.

None of us know you OP.

We're basing our views on the way you've written your posts on here, many of which were actually deleted.

This is true.
Earlier in the thread @Robinni was very supportive of you. OP.

Absolutely.
And no misandry, either.

The OP is seeing misandry where there is none.

I'm trying and failing to think of a time when anyone has used the word "misandry" and hasn't been at least sexist, normally misogynist.

It's like "reverse racism". Pretty much always used by people who couldn't recognise racism if it bit them on the arse.

I disagree with the view that she "only cheated on you". When she cheated she also cheated on her kids and put their security and happiness in jeopardy for her own happiness.
A decent person and a decent mum would have spoken to you to discuss what was wrong in the marriage, gone for counselling together or found a way to end the marriage in a better way.
She didn't, she prioritised herself above her marriage and her children and you are right to feel upset and angry.
As others have said though, you now need to do your best by your kids. The time will come when they will see her actions in a different light. But don't let her shabby behaviour affect your own behaviour towards them or your own integrity.

You are still your children's rock and you always will be. They will see that for themselves in time.

As @Jonisaysitbest says, she cheated and broke up the family - I'm in the same position. The sun shines out his arse and I have such anger inside me about it, I try very hard not to show it but I get OP. Fig all we can do about it other than get on with our lives, I'm holding onto the hope one day my dc will understand the enormity of what he did. I hope you are Ok x

I have this with my ex husband. He wasn't a pleasant dad to our 2 daughters. He left in July last year, then introduced his 'new' girlfriend at Christmas. I found out they'd been having an affair. The girls don't know that, but i believe our eldest suspects. Our youngest thinks her dad can't do anything wrong and she's very defensive and secretive of him. Turns out he was prying her for information about my private life and using it against me.
I had a really tough couple of months with her attitude towards me, especially when she'd return home from staying with him. She even wanted to go live with him, which broke my heart. But, when she told me she loved his new girlfriend and how alike they were and she wasn't like me at all, well that was horrendous to hear. I've now managed to turn all that around and we're back on track with her behaviour, thankfully.

@Jinnie75 How old are your girls?
It's so hard isn't it and so hard not to feel resentment towards the ex.
My exH isn't with an OW now although he was unfaithful during our marriage. Our kids (girls) don't know this and it's been the biggest struggle for me to swallow it all down when they big up "fun time" Dad. Who they see maybe once a week if he's not too busy...
And he's so unbearably smug whenever I see him because he's got a younger, childless partner (doesn't want kids) and the money & freedom to do what he wants.
I deal with it by absolutely raging on paper and then ripping it into tiny, tiny pieces....

@Jonisaysitbest my girls are 13 and 15. I hear you! It's so hard knowing what he has done and having to keep it from the girls. His whole family know too! When he left 6 years ago to 'find his head', he was gone for 3 months. I took him back and then found out he'd gone off with someone else. When he left, for the second time, last year I know he had someone else. I then found out his family knew about he 1st affair and that they didn't know I knew. They were devastated that they had kept that from me. So, this time when I raised suspicion that he was having an affair, they came forward to let me know for sure.
My ex is that same! Smug face when he sees me, especially when he's got his girlfriend in the car. He's living his life and thinks he can dictate what goes on in mine because the girls live with me. Absolute dickhead! I've spent months being bullied by him and it's really affected my mental health. Now 6 weeks in taking Sertraline and it's helping me not take any shit from him!

It's not a great look and it's probably pointless but I do hope that Karma is waiting in the wings

Another thing that’s important to acknowledge is that were absolutely allowed to voice negative opinions and thoughts about people who have utterly fucked us over.

we DONT say it to the kids, we know this, but it’s absolutely essential for us as human beings to acknowledge that we’ve been badly treated and we’re entitled to our anger.

so LET @iamthemanny rant and rave on here if it helps, we afford the same courtesy to the ridiculous amounts of women who have been cheated on and their lives ripped to pieces.

is he bitter? Possibly, but walk a mile in his shoes and then come back here and be fluffy unicorns and sunshine.

@Jinnie75 When you say your younger daughter said she preferred the girlfriend and how alike they are - this could be because deep down she feels a sense of rejection from her dad. Could be she is now looking at the woman he has chosen as a "replacement" and trying to like her and find traits that are similar in herself as a reaction to that rejection. I only say that because a close friend of mine said she felt like that when her dad left her family home when she was a teen.
My kids, on the other hand, do sometimes show signs of being jealous of their dad's new partner & all the time he spends with her that they don't get.
It's a complex relationship between daughters and their dads and it does irritate me to see my exH playing fast & loose with something so precious. But then he always did because he is an inherently selfish man.

Thank you for your kind words and honesty. I am moving on, I do love my kids. However, it destroys you. like you say. Anyone, regardless of sex, who has walked this road knows what it is like.

Like a broken clay jar. You have to pick the pieces up and glue them back together one by one, until it is fully restored. This takes time, patience and for me weekly counselling.

stay strong. 🙏

Yes. It happened to my late husband.

His children were grown and away from home, so didn't know about all the time their mother was spending with a work colleague and they bought the lie that DH had abandoned his poor wife. They also bought her story that she'd only become close to her colleague after being abandoned.

2 yrs after he left, his ex gave him the 'opportunity' to return - just at the point where he was able to apply for a no fault divorce. I don't know whether her affair partner was aware of that one.