When ex moves to other side of the country ..

[wigwoo]

Hi all

Just interested in what others have done in similar scenarios.

I live with my 13 year old DD and my ex moved 150 odd miles away a few years ago. The contact in place is EOW weekend. I do one drive, he does the other. Always been a PITA but I do it to maintain contact.

Now he has moved even further away, we are talking a 5 hour distance, 10 hour round trip.

What arrangements would be fair?

My concerns are :

1. my DD - I feel for her that she has to do these long frequent drives as it is especially as occasionally she will want to do things with friends. I also don't think she should be subjected to being stuck in a car for that long on short periods.

2. my ex's relationship with me is acrimonious

3. I don't even think meeting half way is right. Firstly my DD still has to do these long journeys and secondly I do a weekly hobby every Sunday which means I have to stop. This hobby is only on Sunday afternoons and is my only joy that I do for myself. Obviously if i had to give it up so I could do a halfway drive I would. But it's the only thing that has kept me sane through a tricky few years and the one thing aside from my DD that makes me happy. It's not available to do any other day. Plus i feel aggrieved as it's not me that's moved. I've stayed in the same place all of my DD's life and my ex is moving further and further away.

I don't want to stop contact but what on earth can I do. It's such a long way now. I don't even know if I can afford such a jump in petrol costs too.

I mainly feel for my DD, and she doesn't like the current journey as it but we do it regularly.

What suggestions do anyone have?

Thank you :)

Have you spoken with DD and asked how she feels about the journey?

That really is key here. If she is unhappy about that for a weekend then that is your ticket to DD doesn't want to come due to the journey, I don't agree it's in her best interests so you need to find an alternative.

I would be emailing him to say that actually, the distance will not work for you and dd, you will sort something out to split half term. My dd gets the train to her father, not a chance I am driving a 8 hour round trip on a Friday night. She sees him 3 weeks a year now, suits them both.

OP you touched lightly on the safety aspect of such a long drive after a day's (week's) work.
Would it be possible to frame a refusal to do the drive in terms of that you do not feel safe to do such a long drive and the risk is too high.
My ex moved over 400 miles away and does all the travel. He also refused any local options (think it's a need to integrate her with his new family plus have new wife do the caring). It was mostly school holidays and the odd weekend here in a hotel for birthday/special occasion. He has a child maintenance variation (I bet no one is subsiding your petrol OP!!).
In short regardless of how the court puts the DD interest first I can't see how they can override your safety.

Ot much too add but do look up the journey time on Friday evening and screen shot it.. i bet it us more than 5 hours.

Do ask your dd exactly what she wants and you will support her.

I wouldn't drive 10 hours in a day especially after a days work. Assuming you finish at 5 even if you met half way that would mean she wouldn't get there till gone 10..

Your Dd hasn't been considered at all in this. move.

@Pinkpaisley

Are you scared of him or are you scared of the courts?

Can you try to stand back for a moment and look at this as an outside observer? Pretend it’s not you? ... from our here it is really obvious that you are not breaking the order - he is making the order worthless.

More him I'm say.

I guess it's because I know from past experience what he will do. As the current court order says I must bring DD EOW. So until I get the hearing what can I do?
If I don't bring her then he will accuse me of breaking the order and he will then do something so that he in turn breaks the order, I've learnt the police can't do much if that happens.
I nearly had a heart attack through stress last time he did it and I'm surprised I didn't go insane.
I know what I would say if it were someone else but I've lived in fear for 13 years , probably irrationally so, and it's hard if shake off.
I've tried to help myself by getting anti depressants and seeking therapy to be stronger but really he has emotionally abused me for years.

Just stick with DD doesn't want to come for just a weekend when it's such a long journey and at 13 it's her decision. I guess we need to take it back to court.

Don't take her until there is a new court order?

Presumably DD can face time/phone him if she wants to?

Thank you, might go with that whilst we get a new court arrangement,

Thank you for all your help

Are you worried he will keep her? Make sure everything is written.

Tbh I don't think you should do anything
He's made the selfish disision. I think your probably find it will resolve itself. There's no way he will maintain this level of commitment. After a weeks work driving all that way and back again. No one could maintain that. Let him try it, give it a month or 2 and it will start dwindling. He will be coming to you wanting to change the arrangements.
Sometimes silence is golden.