When ex moves to other side of the country ..

[wigwoo]

Hi all

Just interested in what others have done in similar scenarios.

I live with my 13 year old DD and my ex moved 150 odd miles away a few years ago. The contact in place is EOW weekend. I do one drive, he does the other. Always been a PITA but I do it to maintain contact.

Now he has moved even further away, we are talking a 5 hour distance, 10 hour round trip.

What arrangements would be fair?

My concerns are :

1. my DD - I feel for her that she has to do these long frequent drives as it is especially as occasionally she will want to do things with friends. I also don't think she should be subjected to being stuck in a car for that long on short periods.

2. my ex's relationship with me is acrimonious

3. I don't even think meeting half way is right. Firstly my DD still has to do these long journeys and secondly I do a weekly hobby every Sunday which means I have to stop. This hobby is only on Sunday afternoons and is my only joy that I do for myself. Obviously if i had to give it up so I could do a halfway drive I would. But it's the only thing that has kept me sane through a tricky few years and the one thing aside from my DD that makes me happy. It's not available to do any other day. Plus i feel aggrieved as it's not me that's moved. I've stayed in the same place all of my DD's life and my ex is moving further and further away.

I don't want to stop contact but what on earth can I do. It's such a long way now. I don't even know if I can afford such a jump in petrol costs too.

I mainly feel for my DD, and she doesn't like the current journey as it but we do it regularly.

What suggestions do anyone have?

Thank you :)

[quote Pinetreesfall]@wigwoo sorry forgot to say - the court was v focussed on what is right for the CHILD him or herself and not the adults or makeup of the wider family.
My son never spoke in court but was quite clear what he wanted![/quote]
Thanks for that,

I agree that it should be solely child focused and hope it works out to what my DD wants. I'm sure a judge won't want to hear about any impact on my hobby lol.

I just hope it can be worked out, I also don't want my DD to resent trips to her dads just because she can't see her friends. She's already going that way tbh and I try and smooth it over and then ages find.

*and then she's fine

That doesn’t mean you have to start making this trip. He is moving. (And it doesn’t sound like he was forced to make this move in order to provide for his child) I would be shocked if your court order requires you to deliver her 5 hours away. All you likely have to do to be in compliance is have her available.

@Pinkpaisley absolutely this.
OP - The court wouldn't see that amount of driving fair on your DD (or you) EOW.
Court told me if my son doesn't want to go that's fair enough - I can't physically manhandle him onto a train - I just have to make him available. I think it it easier the older they get thankfully.

@Pinetreesfall you moved your child 300 mines from his dad and he has to do the driving ant your son has to get the train ... wow

My ex moved back to his home town 85 miles away. He comes to see ds (12) once a week. He drives down & back which he resents and moans about. He tried to insist that I meet him halfway but I refused.
I do everything else, 10 school runs a week, parents evenings, sports day, dr, dentist, hair cuts, Shoe shopping, play dates. Plus all care & covid home schooling,
Also I don't want ds to spend every weekend on the motorway.
Ds goes to stay with him two or three times a year in the holidays.
It means ex is in my house for some hours every weekend but I go shopping or meet up with friends.

As the move hasn't yet happened, I would now send an email stating that given the imminent move, that a discussion regarding contact needs be had, focussing on what's in dd's best interests. Literally saying the above and spelling it out! So it can, if necessary, be used in court.

I would reiterate that eow is still on offer, but it's not in your dd's best interests to be travelling 10 hours (plus rest stops?) eow and so you believe that for these to be maintained, a locally based hotel or staying with locally based family is appropriate for dd.

If this is discounted, then I would be pragmatic and offer 1 week at Christmas, Easter and the summer usual allowance. Plus the May Bank Holiday weekends, August Bank Holiday weekend, and half of the half term weeks. Though its piecemeal, that still offers a significant chunk of more quality contact. If he disagrees at that point, then let it roll to court.

Be aware though, that with that level of distance between you, he will be able to claim a reduction on maintenance if going via cms for the travel, so your maintenance will likely reduce. And be aware he may well use the eow pattern as the basis which will obviously reduce it far more! So be sure to have agreement/evidence in email to submit to rebut this.

I wouldn't be remotely suggesting that you'll do half the travel. I also wouldn't be suggesting that she travels alone that distance on train yet. Especially if she's immature emotionally, that's not in her best interests.

@Happyd yes I moved for work and to escape constant violence from my ex so yes the court felt it perfectly reasonable that he should do the driving.

@BusyLizzie61

As the move hasn't yet happened, I would now send an email stating that given the imminent move, that a discussion regarding contact needs be had, focussing on what's in dd's best interests. Literally saying the above and spelling it out! So it can, if necessary, be used in court.

I would reiterate that eow is still on offer, but it's not in your dd's best interests to be travelling 10 hours (plus rest stops?) eow and so you believe that for these to be maintained, a locally based hotel or staying with locally based family is appropriate for dd.

If this is discounted, then I would be pragmatic and offer 1 week at Christmas, Easter and the summer usual allowance. Plus the May Bank Holiday weekends, August Bank Holiday weekend, and half of the half term weeks. Though its piecemeal, that still offers a significant chunk of more quality contact. If he disagrees at that point, then let it roll to court.

Be aware though, that with that level of distance between you, he will be able to claim a reduction on maintenance if going via cms for the travel, so your maintenance will likely reduce. And be aware he may well use the eow pattern as the basis which will obviously reduce it far more! So be sure to have agreement/evidence in email to submit to rebut this.

I wouldn't be remotely suggesting that you'll do half the travel. I also wouldn't be suggesting that she travels alone that distance on train yet. Especially if she's immature emotionally, that's not in her best interests.

Thank you for this, sounds sensible advice.

Re the cms he reduced it himself anyway once he has his new baby , what he gives is barely a spit in the ocean.

Thanks everyone for all advice so far, all very useful to me especially as I can't afford legal representation.

I don't think you should be putting up with this at all.

I wanted to move (long story won't go into details) but would have meant me and kids dad 20-odd miles away which in wasn't happy with!

He's moved, it's on him to keep up contact.

@moofolk

I don't think you should be putting up with this at all.

I wanted to move (long story won't go into details) but would have meant me and kids dad 20-odd miles away which in wasn't happy with!

He's moved, it's on him to keep up contact.

It's not nice for my DD that he moves further and further away from her with his new family.

I'm sure we will sort something x

Meh, have no extra advice to offer, just wanted to say, how crappy of him 1. to move so far and 2. to expect you and your DD to have to suffer as a result (long journeys). I hope you can work something out x

@Amber245

Meh, have no extra advice to offer, just wanted to say, how crappy of him 1. to move so far and 2. to expect you and your DD to have to suffer as a result (long journeys). I hope you can work something out x

Thank you.

I don't really know what to do as we do have a current court order with current arrangements about me doing the first drive and he returns her EOW with no mention of location and he is such a bastard that he would use this court order to make me continue despite the fact that he has now moved 300 miles away.

Getting court orders etc take time and will happen after his move so I feel stuck, like he's daring me to break the court order knowing my hands are tied.

@Pinetreesfall so you moved to a new job, o And the abusive ex-partner however you're still happy to send your 11 yrs son there on his own on a train ... 😳

Write out the schedule of what this would look like?

Would you leave Friday after work? Let’s say you managed to leave right at 5 and didn’t hit any traffic.
5-10 drive her there
10-3am drive home
She settles in by 11 so sleeps 11-8?

Gets a full Saturday with dad. You lose your Saturday to sleep.

For Sunday I assume he is supposed to have her home for dinner since dd at a school night, so by 6pm maybe? So they have to leave at 1pm and he gets home at 11.

For 10 hours in the car she gets a day and a morning with her father. You get home in the middle of the night on friday or more realistically close to dawn.

Or you leave Saturday morning. Say 8am? Arrive at 1? She gets Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning with dad.

There is no judge in the world who is going to say you withheld access.

At 13 your DD opinion would be taken into account. That journey EOW would be ridiculous.

Can you make some suggestions to your DD such as going for a long weekend every school holiday or the first weekend of each month?

What is the train journey like? Would it be better for you to do your leg on the train to his nearest main station rather than you driving it.

Or offer to deliver her to his old address EOW??

We've got a similar situation and they see their dad for one weekend per month. Makes more sense all round.

5 hours? Yes a judge would go for holiday contact for that and at 13 she'd have a massive say too. 10 hours minimum travel on a weekend, every other weekend, is ridiculous and as the one who moved away (twice) he cannot expect you to facilitate this. The fact you e shown willing for so long on an already lengthy journey is good testament too

@Pinkpaisley

Write out the schedule of what this would look like? Would you leave Friday after work? Let’s say you managed to leave right at 5 and didn’t hit any traffic. 5-10 drive her there 10-3am drive home She settles in by 11 so sleeps 11-8? Gets a full Saturday with dad. You lose your Saturday to sleep. For Sunday I assume he is supposed to have her home for dinner since dd at a school night, so by 6pm maybe? So they have to leave at 1pm and he gets home at 11.

For 10 hours in the car she gets a day and a morning with her father. You get home in the middle of the night on friday or more realistically close to dawn.

Or you leave Saturday morning. Say 8am? Arrive at 1? She gets Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning with dad.

There is no judge in the world who is going to say you withheld access.

Thank you,

I mean imagine being a kid and having to do that EOW after school and then again a day or so later, I'd hate that and I know my DD won't like it.
I know courts don't care about the parents which I understand but as you say imagine working a full day sat at a desk to be sat at a car for 10 hours in the early hours of the morning, I would dread to think the risk involved.

I'm just really upset because if I don't go with what he wants he will force me to obey the current court until we can get to court.

@RandomMess

At 13 your DD opinion would be taken into account. That journey EOW would be ridiculous.

Can you make some suggestions to your DD such as going for a long weekend every school holiday or the first weekend of each month?

What is the train journey like? Would it be better for you to do your leg on the train to his nearest main station rather than you driving it.

Or offer to deliver her to his old address EOW??

I actually mentioned it to DD 'lightly' and she does agree EOW is too much now but would be okay with maybe once a month and occasional holidays. I don't even know how the once a month is going to work but if that's what she wants I'm willing to find a way. But I actually don't think my ex would like that idea and if we don't agree (ie I don't agree with him) he will call my bluff and tell me we need to stick to the court order. He's going that way already in the emails I've received, FYI he also only advised me of this move a day or two ago which is taking place in the next few days! It's his contact weekend coming up..

@RandomMess

At 13 your DD opinion would be taken into account. That journey EOW would be ridiculous.

Can you make some suggestions to your DD such as going for a long weekend every school holiday or the first weekend of each month?

What is the train journey like? Would it be better for you to do your leg on the train to his nearest main station rather than you driving it.

Or offer to deliver her to his old address EOW??

Sorry, forgot to answer your question on the trains. It takes 3.5 hours one way.

His old address is too far from where he is moving too and no one will be there (and that's already a good 1.5 hour drive one way)

@TheSongOfTheSea

We've got a similar situation and they see their dad for one weekend per month. Makes more sense all round.

Thanks for this, how do you do it? Do you share one drive and ex does the other? It halfway points?

@midnightstar66

5 hours? Yes a judge would go for holiday contact for that and at 13 she'd have a massive say too. 10 hours minimum travel on a weekend, every other weekend, is ridiculous and as the one who moved away (twice) he cannot expect you to facilitate this. The fact you e shown willing for so long on an already lengthy journey is good testament too

Yes I hope it doesn't go against me that because I've already agreed to a long drive to the current location, that I should continue going forward. I'm ok with holiday contact but would hope the judge would allow me some of those too, as I'd like the opportunity to take DD on holiday etc. I'd be ok him having more. Currently it's more a 50/50 split on holidays.

My DD would simply refuse to do this. She loves weekends. She gets annoyed if I want her to come to the shops! Can you just let your DD decide? I don’t know how court orders work, but my 13yo is bigger and taller than me, so if she decided she wasn’t going somewhere I would really struggle to make her and a 5 hour journey for basically 1 day.., she would totally refuse that.

He’s moved, so in effect he’s changed the arrangements and the requirements, not you? Can you just let him try court? It’s not reasonable to expect a 13yo to do that journey over a weekend, and then be well rested enough for school on the Monday...