When ex moves to other side of the country ..

[wigwoo]

Hi all

Just interested in what others have done in similar scenarios.

I live with my 13 year old DD and my ex moved 150 odd miles away a few years ago. The contact in place is EOW weekend. I do one drive, he does the other. Always been a PITA but I do it to maintain contact.

Now he has moved even further away, we are talking a 5 hour distance, 10 hour round trip.

What arrangements would be fair?

My concerns are :

1. my DD - I feel for her that she has to do these long frequent drives as it is especially as occasionally she will want to do things with friends. I also don't think she should be subjected to being stuck in a car for that long on short periods.

2. my ex's relationship with me is acrimonious

3. I don't even think meeting half way is right. Firstly my DD still has to do these long journeys and secondly I do a weekly hobby every Sunday which means I have to stop. This hobby is only on Sunday afternoons and is my only joy that I do for myself. Obviously if i had to give it up so I could do a halfway drive I would. But it's the only thing that has kept me sane through a tricky few years and the one thing aside from my DD that makes me happy. It's not available to do any other day. Plus i feel aggrieved as it's not me that's moved. I've stayed in the same place all of my DD's life and my ex is moving further and further away.

I don't want to stop contact but what on earth can I do. It's such a long way now. I don't even know if I can afford such a jump in petrol costs too.

I mainly feel for my DD, and she doesn't like the current journey as it but we do it regularly.

What suggestions do anyone have?

Thank you :)

I don’t have any experience in this area, but I would say that’s unreasonable to do EOW. As your daughter gets older she will want to spend weekends with friends more and more which is perfectly natural and fair enough. So that’ll cause an issue. And you should be allowed to do your hobby, again that’s fair enough. And that’s without the petrol costs you’re now incurring, which must be considerable.

In your position I think that I would talk to your ex and suggest that your daughter only makes this very long journey in the school holidays. When it comes to every other weekend I think that your ex should be the one coming down. Is he from the place you live? Do his parents or any other relatives live there than he could potentially stay with EOW?

This isn’t fair @wigwoo and I imagine it’s starting to take over yours and DDs life, which isn’t fair.

Thanks for response. Yes I met him here in my City and he was living here and he moved around 3 years ago. He does have family still living in my city.
When he moved as far as he did that did cause a lot of upheaval for us as it was, me doing the drive every other weekend straight after work in rush hour to ensure contact was maintained and he did the leisurely drive on a Sunday. But I just feel this latest move is a step too far.

I would never stop contact at all it but it just sounds like whatever I do is going to be of great inconvenience to both DD and I. I know courts aren't too bothered about the parents and what they want and its rightly all about the child but even from my DD's perspective it's not ideal for her at all.

Maybe I could offer something like one a month (Friday and I get a hotel overnight) or just do the halfway once a month and then split the holidays 80-20. I do want some holidays with my DD so we can actually go on holiday!

Id be telling him to fuck off at this point, selfish asshole.

Suggest he has her for some holidays.

And no, i wouldnt be paying for hotels because a dick of an ex couldnt be arsed with the realities of parenting.

@RachelRaven

Id be telling him to fuck off at this point, selfish asshole.

Suggest he has her for some holidays.

And no, i wouldnt be paying for hotels because a dick of an ex couldnt be arsed with the realities of parenting.

Thank you

I'd love to tell him to fuck off!

Some Holidays is a good shout but not sure he or a judge would go for that :(

Surely a judge wouldnt expect you to stay in a hotel?

And it would be less selfish for him to come to you and stay in a hotel.

Lol no not the hotel part that was me thinking of how else to do the drive as I'm sure even if on occasion I'll have to do it. God I hate driving too lol.

Im gonna have to try and research similar case studies I think

@RachelRaven

And it would be less selfish for him to come to you and stay in a hotel.

He wouldn't even have to, he has family here.

Other side of the coin is he has now settled with his partner, her children and their own DD who is my DD's half sister.

What would your daughter like to do?

As he has moved so far away I think the default judgement would be he has to do the driving to come and get her. Maybe suggest he gets a hotel room in your city and pick her up and take her out for days. You shouldn't have to take her to him as he moved away.

@GroggyLegs

What would your daughter like to do?

If she had her way she probably wouldn't go as frequently as she does as it is, I think that's mainly because of the journey and wanting to do other things on those weekends and has said she wishes her lived closer.

@ElGuardiandenoche

As he has moved so far away I think the default judgement would be he has to do the driving to come and get her. Maybe suggest he gets a hotel room in your city and pick her up and take her out for days. You shouldn't have to take her to him as he moved away.

Yes this is an option, thank you.

Even if he did all the driving (which I know he won't agree to do) I'm still concerned my daughter having to be stuck in a car for most of the weekend so I think I'm going to have to say the EOW can't continue unless he comes to my City like you say on occasion and does something here.

5 hours away means either he travels to her if he wants to maintain EOW or visitation switches to part of school holidays. He should be responsible for all travel.

A judge will listen to your dd at 13. And she doesn't want to be doing this journey so frequently.

Your daughter is old enough to have a say in this and your EXH is in danger of losing contact with her. But that is down to him. Holidays as mentioned but otherwise it doesn't work. 5 hours is too far. There are otherways to stay in touch.

I wouldn't do it.
It was his choice, knowing that he has a child that he is living a long way from, especially in the light of her not feeling that keen on the current arrangements.
Would going by train work? (You putting her on at one end, him collecting her at the other - I realise this may not be possible.)
Alternatively, you could look into visits being less frequent, but DD going for longer, perhaps in the school holidays.
At her age, your daughter has the right to choose how she wants this to be. Any court in the land would consider her wishes.
You can only go so far to accommodate your daughter's relationship with her dad, and in my view he has not really considered her in his decisions.
I really feel for your girl if she would still like to see her dad regularly - he's put her (and you) in a very difficult position.

Your daughter is now of an age where her thoughts on the matter will be taken into consideration.

Aside from that a 10 hour round trip isn't sustainable EOW.

Your Ex has made that decision and frankly it's not (at that distance) incumbent on you to maintain contact by ridiculously long round trips.

Go see a solicitor wrt changing the access arrangements.

Thanks all.

I think my DD is worried about hurting his feelings and is quite immature for her age so may say it's fine to any authorities without thinking about the implications. We are close but she has told me this before, I've told her if she's asked to be honest and not to worry about hurting mine or ex's feelings as our feelings don't be hurt and it's about making sure she is happy. And that's all I want. I'd do anything for her if I knew it was what she wanted and in her best interests.

He's such an awful individual to deal with, I am actually quite scared of him (emotional abuse) and he'll try and get his own way.

@mineofuselessinformation

I wouldn't do it. It was his choice, knowing that he has a child that he is living a long way from, especially in the light of her not feeling that keen on the current arrangements. Would going by train work? (You putting her on at one end, him collecting her at the other - I realise this may not be possible.) Alternatively, you could look into visits being less frequent, but DD going for longer, perhaps in the school holidays. At her age, your daughter has the right to choose how she wants this to be. Any court in the land would consider her wishes. You can only go so far to accommodate your daughter's relationship with her dad, and in my view he has not really considered her in his decisions. I really feel for your girl if she would still like to see her dad regularly - he's put her (and you) in a very difficult position.

Yep and he has blamed me for parental alienation where up until now I have done everything go maintain contact , often driving a 3-4 hour round trip on a Friday straight after work.

I feel for her too. She's also made new friends and often wants to do things with them at the weekend.

The train is a good idea but maybe not for at least a year or two as she's a little immature for her age

I moved 300 miles away from my ex. Contact has just been decided in court (4 years after moving) and judge decided my ex does the driving there and back and then next time my son gets the train. He is nearly 13. Due to distance and friendships, sport etc here contact is one weekend a month.
Do not sustain what you're doing!!

@Pinetreesfall

I moved 300 miles away from my ex. Contact has just been decided in court (4 years after moving) and judge decided my ex does the driving there and back and then next time my son gets the train. He is nearly 13. Due to distance and friendships, sport etc here contact is one weekend a month. Do not sustain what you're doing!!

Thanks for this. Really good to see what others have done in similar circumstances.

I'd be ok with that. Does your ex get more holiday time as a result? I wonder if a judge would rule differently given that my DD's half sister lives with my ex.

I wouldn’t cope with all that travelling EOW and if he has moved away isn’t the onus on him to maintain the contact by travelling to see her.

Can you go back to court to put in new arrangements?

@wigwoo no extra holiday time. It was left to be agreed between us - mainly because of my son's age (v close to your DD age) and the court realised he's obviously getting older and wants more say in what he wants to do, spends more time with friends etc.
My situation is slightly opposite to yours in that I have two younger boys but my ex just has a partner (no kids together) so court tried to balance the continuity of my son's relationship with his half brothers while also maintaining the relationship with this father.

@wigwoo sorry forgot to say - the court was v focussed on what is right for the CHILD him or herself and not the adults or makeup of the wider family.
My son never spoke in court but was quite clear what he wanted!

@ineedaholidaynow

I wouldn’t cope with all that travelling EOW and if he has moved away isn’t the onus on him to maintain the contact by travelling to see her.

Can you go back to court to put in new arrangements?

Yes will have to go to court but I think that'll Take time and his move is imminent :(