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Original poster

Ex H knows I have been out with another man

223 replies

Pinkchampagne · 01/10/2007 00:26

He got DS1 to phone me on my mobile tonight, then got DS2, then spoke to me himself, asking where I was (he could hear background music), to which I said "Out with a friend"
He said "Put your friend on the phone then"
I told him it was none of his business who I was put with, and he laughed, sating "If only your boys knew"
He then text to say "Give him a kiss from me"

I know he is going to be a real git about this now, and worry he may get more difficult about having the boys so freely.

I know it shouldn't bother me, but I was quite shaky after all that.

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ScaryScaryNight · 07/10/2007 11:09

PinkChampagne, hard as it may seem, but you will NEVER get the loving supporting family you so obviously crave. Is the upset you feel with disappointment after disappointment with your folks beginning to affect your kids and your mood in general?

Can you move out of the area? Can you not just stop involving them when you know the outcome!? why are you putting yourself through this?

FGS, just stop trying to talk to your mum. Why does she even need to know about cards and roses and such details when you KNOW what she will say?

BecauseImWereWolfit · 07/10/2007 11:16

I know it sounds silly (and it's not meant to be trivial, even if it sounds like it!) but I'd like to take over the role of being your mother.

I'm probably old enough

I know I don't know you, but I really feel that you deserve someone who will love you and respect you for who you are and not for what they think you should be.

And I only have boys, would like a girl ...

I just can't believe that someone who is supposed to be your mother would behave in this way.

Upsadaisy · 07/10/2007 11:17

Pinkchampagne just read through the thread and wanted to give you a

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 07/10/2007 11:27

Thank you.

Mum found out about the card & rose because she came round to give me my birthday present, and she started looking through my cards. The rose was on the table, so she saw that right away.

I told mum that I had been on a few dates with someone, because I wanted it to come from me rather than ex H.

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Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 07/10/2007 11:32

I don't think any upset re my familys attitude to all this is affecting how I am with the boys.

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madamez · 07/10/2007 11:33

Pinkchampagne: I think it might help you at some point to have a talk with Women's Aid or similar. Your exH's behaviour is quite worrying: he is stalking you and telling lies about you, this sort of behaviour can escalate.
I appreciate that your useless family are complicating matters, but I can also see that it's hard to cut them off (and you may not want to do so entirely because your DCs want or need a relationship with both grandparents and their dad) but you need to develop just a little bit of a selfish streak. You are a human bieng with the right to a life of your own.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 07/10/2007 11:45

My boys adore their grandparents, so I couldn't cut contact completely.

Wouldn't have thought of womans aid now that I am out of the relationship.

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Freckle · 07/10/2007 11:47

I think it would be a good idea to contact Women's Aid, PC, because you are still in abusive relationships, with both your ex-H and your parents.

Ex-H knows that he can get to you through your parents and directly and he is doing this. Your parents are colluding with his behaviour and all 3 of them are trying to control you. It seems as though they are now working on your sister to join them too.

Perhaps talking to WA might give you some more perspective and strategies to deal with them.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 07/10/2007 13:06

Ex H has just dropped the boys book bags back to me, and said "I know you were out with another man last night, and I'm ok about it - you deserve someone nice"
Very odd, and very out of character.

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Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 07/10/2007 13:36

Had a quick look on woman's aid site, but it is all centred around domestic violence, which I am not suffering with.

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fawkeoff · 07/10/2007 13:43

this may well mean that he is having a nice time with this woman that your not supposed to know about, yet in the meantime he is happy for your parents to carry on thinking that he is all hurt and wounded because you are a cow blah blah blah.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 07/10/2007 13:50

That or he is playing a game, where he is trying to come across like someone wonderful & understanding, while buying me presents etc, to try & guilt trip me.
One second he is phoning & demanding I put my friend on the phone, then going quiet, but stirring it up with my family, and now appearing all understanding. It doesn't add up.

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BecauseImWereWolfit · 07/10/2007 13:55

It does add up - he's doing it deliberately to unsettle you.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 07/10/2007 13:58

He said "I know you were out with another man the other night" not last night. He knew where I was last night.

He gave me an ipod for my birthday, literally a day after finding out I was out with another man.
Now he has switched to cool & understanding, after sneaking to my sister.
It is all a bit strange.

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Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 07/10/2007 13:59

He's up to something, isn't he?

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fawkeoff · 07/10/2007 14:00

yeah he is playing mind games with you, just ignore the lot of them, and if the family will never accept a new man in your life then they have no reason to even be informed about it

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 07/10/2007 14:10

Yes you're right. I won't be talking to any of them about my personal life, and I will make sure I never introduce any new men to my dad!

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tribpot · 07/10/2007 18:24

But you're still playing into their power games, PC. I know we're talking hypotheticals, because things are not that serious with new bloke (yet) and you're not looking for a long-term relationship (yet). But to acknowledge that your dad has the 'right' to deny you ever introducing a new man to the family is to accept his power over you.

All I'd say is, don't do until you're ready, and warn the bloke to expect major flack. But this is your life, and you get to choose who is in it. AND you get to choose who is introduced to your dad in good time. Yes, he may act like a complete arse about it, that's his problem.

It's all just part and parcel of his losing control over you. Don't buy into it.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 07/10/2007 18:29

I don't feel it would be fair on the man to be introduced to dad though, tribpot. He has made it very clear that he won't accept them, and he will either ignore or be rude to them.

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pinkbubble · 07/10/2007 18:31

Oh PC, have just read what has been going on!

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 07/10/2007 18:37

Yes, more fun times, bubble!

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tribpot · 07/10/2007 18:37

Indeed, but the time will come, PC, when you want to make a commitment to another guy. I really am talking long term, here, I know it's the last thing on your mind now.

At that stage you will have a choice to make. That's all I'm saying. Don't worry about it now, but your dad doesn't get to dictate who you end up with, nor whether you are 'allowed' to introduce said person to your family. They are your family, it's your choice at the end of the day.

pinkbubble · 07/10/2007 18:50

You can introduce him to me and I will give the once over! (see whether I need to have another sleepless night over him!)- that sounds good doesn't it!!

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 07/10/2007 19:46

Lol, you're ok, bubble, you don't need to be having sleepless nights! He's not staying late tonight because I'm exhausted.

tribpot - I understand what you're saying, but it will be a long while before I introduce another man to my dad!

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Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 08/10/2007 15:48

I went and totally blew this morning.

Mum nipped round with DS2's old travel cot because one of my friends is borrowing it.
She told me that my sister is shocked and angry that I have been out with another man because she thinks I have given ex H hope of us getting back together, which is total rubbish. I have always been very clear that there was no chance of us getting back together.

I am so angry that my whole family think I am some cow, and all feel pity for him, when he has been doing all kinds!
My sister knew about ex H and the barmaid, way back in June, yet no-one seems to think there is any wrong in that because he's a man, but I'm not allowed to move on.
When I said this to mum, she said "Well you threw him away"

I ended up totally losing it, and mum was telling me to calm down, and I was very tearful.
I can't believe my family & their attitude to all this!

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