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Original poster

Ex H knows I have been out with another man

223 replies

Pinkchampagne · 01/10/2007 00:26

He got DS1 to phone me on my mobile tonight, then got DS2, then spoke to me himself, asking where I was (he could hear background music), to which I said "Out with a friend"
He said "Put your friend on the phone then"
I told him it was none of his business who I was put with, and he laughed, sating "If only your boys knew"
He then text to say "Give him a kiss from me"

I know he is going to be a real git about this now, and worry he may get more difficult about having the boys so freely.

I know it shouldn't bother me, but I was quite shaky after all that.

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Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 08/10/2007 15:49

He has the whole bloody family feeling sorry for him!

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Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 08/10/2007 16:25

told mum that we had been separated 16 months now, and there is no chance of us getting back together, so they all need to just get over it!
I said that there is nothing stopping them, my sister, and my BIL having a friendship with ex H, but they can't expect me to put my life on hold because it's not going to happen.
They make me so mad sometimes, and I am very upset that my sister is now siding with ex H.

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WillyWooooaaaahnka · 08/10/2007 16:32

Hi PC - have been following this thread, though haven't posted before, and just wanted to echo the sentiment that your family's behaviour is truly astonishing. Even if the separation had been your fault, their loyalties should always remain with you however much they like/are being manipulated by your exh.

I seem to recall a thread not long ago asking whether blood is thicker than water (dp was not father of child) and I think this - along with two or three other threads this week - seems to prove that the answer is an emphatic no.

You're being remarkably strong and I hope you find more happiness with your current (or any future!) beau

Freckle · 08/10/2007 17:34

I think you have to be very straight with you mum. You tell her that she either supports you (and that means no more comments about "well he's a man so it's alright, but you, being female, are just a slag" or words to that effect) or she gets out of your life.

You do have the option of moving away because your family is truly toxic and they are all having a detrimental affect on you and that means on the boys too. You don't want them growing up thinking that it's OK for men to behave in a certain way but not for women.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 08/10/2007 18:25

I did really blow this morning, and I have been feeling very wobbly all day. They are all feeling pity for ex H, and think I am some nasty cow.
He says he only told my sister because he thought it was funny that he had caught me out with a man, and wasn't trying to get a big reaction. Rubbish!

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Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 08/10/2007 18:30

Don't know if I could just move right away, although it is very tempting at times.

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Freckle · 08/10/2007 18:38

Then you have to stop telling your family anything and ignore anything they may say to/about you.

They are telling you these things because they want a reaction. If you don't give them one, they'll stop sooner or later. Just practise saying "Really?", "Golly" and "Hmm".

Tinkerbel5 · 08/10/2007 19:31

PC your ex didnt catch you out with another man your are single dating another guy which you are able to do, I cant beleive its 16 months since you seperated it seems like it was only 6 months ago with the way he is acting, I think your family are unreasonable and should be on your side through thick and thin, im not surprised you blew up.

HonoriaGlossop · 08/10/2007 19:54

I agree that it's time to not allow them into your life like this. OK, they are your boys' GPs so you want to maintain contact; other than that I think you need to get some strategies to completely block any conversation with them other than about the boys (NOT in relation to your split).

I truly think that you would benefit from an assertiveness training course. I've been on one and they are SO useful. They can give you the confidence to try some new strategies, so that rather than being 'carried on the tide' of other people's agendas, YOU are the one setting the agenda.

I can't say strongly enough how good I think this would be for you. Some local Community Services run them for free I think; also, the Women's Aid might be able to point you in the right direction.

I do think you need to face the fact that you will never have the relationship with your parents or family, that you deserve. I fear all you can do with this situation is make yourself stronger within it.

fawkeoff · 08/10/2007 19:59

(((((((hugs))))))))) you need to tell them to get on with their own lives and stop interfering in yours.you obviously don't have their support so dont disclose anything to them anymore.IMO he is throwing low blows because he knows how much they all kiss his arse, when really he should stop being so pathetic and give everyone a chance to heal.dont even rise to their shit hun x

fawkeoff · 08/10/2007 20:01

you may also want to point out that it is HIM giving everyone false hope that you and him are going to get back together......i stress again, do they think you divorced him for a laff???

Blu · 08/10/2007 20:19

Blimey, PC - have just caught up on this.

Yes, exH is up to something. He is causing no end of trouble gossiping to your family behind your back and then playing the innocent with you. And he said all that stuff about knowing you were with a man the other day just to let you know that he knows....which really is half way to stalking. he's letting you know that he knows...i.e attempting to deny you any privacy or autonomy or real escape from under his thumb, and then making damn sure all your family know...on HIS terms. I am furious that he 'got to' your sister before you did - but he knows that your sister is the only person who (ocasionally) sticks her head up from her own particular heapp of sand and sides with you. So he was all nicey nicey to you because he knoew that he had unleashed the mad pack of hounds that are your family.

You are being brilliant, PC. Miles and miles from the person you were 2 years ago in your strength and clarity about this. If you can find the time and a course, I agree about assertiveness training - it can be a fantastic way of giving you strength in the face of nonsense like this.

Your Mum is revolting - fancy saying that about getting pregnant!

tribpot · 08/10/2007 20:27

Thank god for Blu, I had missed the pregnant comment, WTF was that meant to mean?!?!?! You're only allowed to reproduce if it's with Jesus Christ Superstar, aka your arse of an ex-H?!?!?!

If it wasn't rather irresponsible, I would advise you getting pregnant with new man immediately, just to show them who's boss

As the others have said, you cannot have the relationship you want with your family. Therefore you need to engage in damage limitation and part of that is increasing your confidence and assertiveness. Honoria is spot on. The world is awash with assertiveness training, can you get it through work, for example?

It truly is a testament to your character that with this much negativity you are sticking to your guns. I honestly am amazed by how far you've come, PC. You go girl!

prettybird · 08/10/2007 20:34

Pinkchampagne - you say your dad says "in his eyes ex H is family".

you need to remember that when you are ready to make an ongoing commitment to a new guy, that guy then become part of your family. Both your dad and you then need to make a diecsion as to who family is, and whether you even want to stay a part of it, when they won't accept your family.

It is indeed up to your dad who he considers to be family - but he needs to realise that that might have a consequnece on his daughter who may no longer consider that he is family.

Family is a two way deal.

LIke tohers, I truly beleive that you have a "toxic" family who are doing nothing to add to your quality of life. You need to put yourslef and your sons first and think think about what is imprtant to you and what adds vlaue to your life. As others have said, do you really want your sons learning the sort of warped values that your family (mother as well as father) appear to espouse.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 08/10/2007 21:12

Assertiveness training would probably benefit me, as I am struggle a bit there. It is only when I am pushed that bit too far (like today) that I really lose it & get my point across properly.

I am feeling totally run down with everything now.

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Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 08/10/2007 21:34

Excuse my mistakes in my last post - I was on the phone at the same time!

I am feeling a little calmer than I was. I was thinking of phoning my sister, but if she really is feeling so sorry for ex H, I will end up blowing again, and I need to calm myself down tonight.

Have spoken to a friend, and this guy I'm seeing, which has helped.
He knows all about my family nightmares & he knows about ex H, so I am suprised he is still interested in me!

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Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 08/10/2007 21:37

Think I may pass on the pregnancy suggestion, tribpot!

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tyeanddye · 10/10/2007 12:15

sorry to hear your family are causing you so much pain pc,cant imagine how that feels((((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))))))))

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 10/10/2007 14:19

I can normally let a lot of it bounce off me, but it got a bit much on Monday, especially with my sister also beginning to get sucked in & feel sorry for ex H.

My DS1 is being assessed tomorrow, and ex H is coming along with us.
Not feeling good about everything today.

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bigknickersbigknockers · 10/10/2007 15:08

I can't believe your sister PC, I thought she was someone you could rely on. Your a better woman than I am, I would have told ExH that I couldnt accept his birthday present or if he had me wound up would have told him to shove it up his arse and i dont think I would be quite so gracious as to let him come to the assesment either.
Hope it goes well tomorrow

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 10/10/2007 15:31

It is his son too, so feel I can't really stop him from coming along to the assessment tomorrow.

I think the fact that my sister is now starting to side with ex H, was what pushed me right over the edge on Monday.
He has them all feeling sorry for him because he has been (in my mum's words) thrown away by me!

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Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 10/10/2007 17:42

My mum has just been on the phone & asked what was up with me.
I said I was upset with all of them & their attitude, and she said "Well I worked hard on Saturday night cooking for you, and dad is pissed off with all of you"
I didn't do anything to spoil Saturday night!!
She mentioned again how ex H is a man & men have needs that women don't, when I mentioned how I was fed up with them excusing everything he does, yet act with shock when I so much as go out for a drink with a man.

I have cracked a bit this evening. I can't cope with much more.

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Freckle · 10/10/2007 17:48

Where does she find this bollocks about men having needs that women don't??? She really is living in the dark ages - or is she trying again to excuse her own marriage and what she has put up with from your dad?

You are her daughter and she and your dad (and your sister) should be supporting you. They can have a good relationship with ex-H but they should not be taking his side against you.

Your sister has been got at by her dh. It's clearly easier for her to side with her dh and ex-H than with you. Turncoat.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 10/10/2007 18:19

I don't know where she gets all the nonsense from, Freckle, but it annoys me.
She always has to turn things around to make out she is the wounded one, and try to pile on the guilt too, always backed up by how angry dad is.
I was calmer yesterday, but today I am a wreck of emotions. I really have had enough.

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Freckle · 10/10/2007 18:59

Then close the door and lock it. Put the boys to bed. Take the phone off the hook or unplug it and just chill out. Find something interesting to watch on the television and just glory in the fact that you are in your own home, by yourself with your boys safe in bed and you don't need anyone else.

Other than your new man of course!